The Exam
Thats it! Ive had enough! If you dont stop picking at my brains, Im not doing itIm not taking any exam! Ill just skip it! I wont even turn up! Whatll you do then, eh?! Emily hurled her rucksack into the hallways darkest corner and yanked off her woolly hat.
Her mother didnt say a word. She just shook her head and wandered off into the kitchen.
Emily shrugged off her coat, considered tossing it after the bag, but thought better of it. Instead, she opened the wardrobe, hung it neatly, and sighed.
Well, brilliant. Another row and as usual, about absolutely nothing!
Why does her mum always have to poke and prod with questions and advice? What is shea child? Or soft in the head?
She remembered perfectly well that today was her first lesson with a new tutor. There was no need to bang on about it every half hour!
Of course, Emily exaggerated. Her mother hadnt exactly hounded her, repeating herself over and over; shed only asked if Emily remembered that this new English and Literature tutor would be her third this year. But Emily was so irritated about being, as she saw it, controlled, that flying off the handle had become second natureeven when there was really no reason for it at all.
Emily washed her hands and stared at herself in the mirror above the sink.
What a stunner, she thought! Pimples, a button nose inherited from her dad, andoh joyher mums wild ginger curls. Emily had asked countless times to dye her hair, but her mum wouldnt have it! She always banged on about how beauty is cultivated, and that one day Emily would be grateful.
Oh sure! When cows fly and pigs start breakdancing Everyone else is normal and shes a scarecrow in a field. Plaits! Who on earth wears plaits these days?
Emily couldnt help but smile, remembering her mums heartbreak after Emily hacked her own hated plaits off with a pair of blunt kiddie scissors from her old craft boxthe only ones she could find. Grinding her teeth, shed snipped away, imagining her mothers horrified, Emily, why?!
Why? Because shed had enough! People ordering her aboutit was her life and shed do as she pleased!
Everyone harps on about how you should listen to your elders. Why? Why should she follow their outdated rules? She had her own! A life they couldnt even imagine. How could they possibly understand what made her tick? When they were her age, they didnt even have the internet! How did people survive back then? Completely baffling! And theres no explaining to them that things are different now. Nobody needs hours and hours of boring revision. A couple of taps on the phone andvoilà!endless information. Her mum always claimed it wasnt the same, and that the internet could never teach you to be a decent person or talk to real humansbut what did she know? She should try a parenting course on TikTok or something. Might pick up a few tips.
Emily absentmindedly picked at yet another volcano on her forehead and winced. Thank goodness her mother wasnt watchingshed never hear the end of it! Her mum was always dragging her to the GP, warning her that thered be scars. But Emily didnt care! People should value her for whats inside, not her looks. How to explain that to her mother?
Oh! Mother felt like such a grown-up word. Just because her mum gave birth to her, didnt mean she owned her! Emily was not her possession, and being treated like some kind of inconvenient handbag was just not on.
Emily winked at her reflection.
Whats that, Mum? Didnt expect Emily to stand up for herself? Shouldnt have forced her into endless tutoring! And trying to steer her into lawhonestly! Emily already knew more about rights and law than either of her parents. If theyd been half as sharp, their divorce might not have been such a disaster.
Her mother had neither pride nor ambition! It wasnt enough that her father left for a younger model after ditching his fed-up wifehe divvied up their stuff however he pleased, and her mum didnt so much as squeak. Yes, the flat Grandma left was put in Emilys name, but that was only fair! And her mum? Child support for Emily? And thats it? What about compensation for years of her life wasted? Emily wasnt some clueless toddlershe saw everything.
She saw the silent loathing as her mum set out dinner plates; the dry, obligatory thanks from her dad; how he still came into the bedroom in the mornings to get his clothes because there was no room for a wardrobe in his poky study; the alarm her mum set so shed be up before he could see her sleeping. She saw the relief both parents felt when she turned fourteen and finally told them to leave each other be, for everyones sanity. How long was this supposed to go on, anyway?
Adults are weird, honestly! All that We live for you! and You are our purpose in life!
Lies, every bit of it! Everyone lives for themselves. No one else matters. Emily could give examples all day longher parents supposed concern for her was all about them. She was a bargaining chip, allowing them to negotiate the best possible arrangements.
Take their current flat: same street as before, new entrance, fewer bedrooms. Used to be three, now its just two, though decorated and furnished beautifully. Her mother traded up for this place by playing on her dads guilt: If youre starting a new life, at least make sure your daughters comfortable! So her dad did exactly as told. Emily had the big bedroom nowmore space than her old box roombut not because anyone cared. It all boiled down to dividing up shared property with minimal fuss. She was a convenient bumper, cushioning the blows between them.
Emily grimaced and, despite everything, grabbed the ointment prescribed by the doctor. It helped, after all. No need to admit her mum was right! The stuff actually dried up spots nicely, and she needed it tonight.
Because tonight would be spent on the rooftop.
That roof, by the way, only showed up in Emilys life a few months back. Back when Benthe most popular boy at school, whom Emily had admired from afar, having no clue how to even speak to himsent her a message: Fancy a walk?
Shed honestly thought it was a prank. Everyone at school knew she fancied Ben. They teased her, but not cruellypeople liked her. Emily never made trouble, always shared answers, and would pipe up in class if she knew her friends werent ready to be called on.
Roberts, I already asked you last lesson! Why are you putting your hand up again?
Oh, Mrs Jenkins, the topics just so interesting! Tell me, do you think Henry VIII really was a tyrant? Was his rule totalitarian?
Even fearsome Mrs Jenkins would take the bait, and class would breathe easyno pop quizzes today, at least.
So when Emily showed Bens message to her frenemy Katie, Katie just snorted, And? So what if he texted? Ask him! Why are you playing the timid maiden? Its not the Victorian era! Girls invite boys out all the time. Stop flapping.
Emily said nothing in response. She couldnt explain the tornado inside her when those words stopped dancing and finally made sense.
She showed up that day as arranged. Life changed after that.
The roof of an abandoned old block that all the teens hung out onhardly the safest place in England, but Emily didnt care. Every time Ben took her hand and whispered, Careful! Mind your step! her heart pounded, and shed count each stair in her head.
Fifteen, sixteen Go on! Thirty-two, thirty-three What are you afraid of? Hes here
On that roof, Ben put his arm around her for the first time. No fuss, just pulled her close, in front of everyone, hand on her shoulder, as if to say, Shes my girl.
No one objected, though Emily spotted a few frosty stares from the other girlsBen had grown up with them, but chose the oddball.
He kissed her up there, too.
That evening it was just the two of them; all the others went to the cinema. Emily wanted to see the film, but when Ben squeezed her hand and promised theyd go together another time, she stayed put, knowing the night would be special.
And she was right. Sometimesoften at completely inconvenient momentsEmily would close her eyes and relive it, Bens voice echoing:
Em, I really like you loads. Im rubbish with words, but youre the best girl Ive ever met Can I
And his warm lips, gentle, a sort of awkward sweetness
Emily closed her eyes again, savouring it. But just then, her mum tapped at the bathroom door:
Em, youll be late Lunch is on the table.
Irritation washed over Emily again. Would this never stop?
She burst out of the bathroom, face set like that meme with the furious, shrieking harpy.
What do you want from me?! I havent forgotten a thing! Just stop hassling me! Hasnt Dad suffered enough from you? Hes left you, hasnt he? Now youre picking on me? Fine, Ill go and live with him! Satisfied? Unless you stop
Emily never got to finish. Her mum let out a strange, long sigh, then slapped her.
Go on then! And when youre back tonight, dont forget youve got a mock English exam tomorrow. Youll need your sleep.
Emily just gaped. Her mum had never, ever hit her. Not once. Not that Emily was all that upsetshe had asked for it, really. But the fact that her mum had suddenly stopped putting up with her rubbish gave Emily pause.
Of course she wouldnt give in that easily, thoughthat wasnt her style. Bag, coat, headphones She wanted to slam the front door hard enough to rattle the street, but held herself back. She wasnt about to give anyone the satisfaction of thinking shed lost the plot.
She dashed outside, checked the time. Right, an hours round trip, an hour with the tutorthat meant shed only see Ben around six. Perfect. A bit of rooftop sitting, while her mother cooled off and worried herself sickgood for her! Emilys dad usually ignored her mums desperate calls, so Emily would have time to talk with Ben. Maybe hed have some advice. Bens parents were proper chilled: completely hands-off. Ben had his own bank card with a generous limit, the best clothes, and total freedom. His mum claimed she was too busy to fuss and his dad said sixteen was the age to be responsible. They let Ben have a part-time job and gave him charge of his own revision. He was supposed to choose his own future.
Some people just got lucky.
Not like her mum
Her dad called as she approached the tutors road.
Whats going on now? Your mums saying youre about to move in here?
Oh, Dad! Dont start. Why would I want to swap one headache for another? Your Kates about to have a baby, isnt she? Ill wind up babysitting, wont I? Ive got enough on my own!
I see. Dont wind your mum up, or Ill cut off your allowance. Understand?
Thats what I like about you, Dadstraight to the point. Got it!
Good. And give your mum a break. She doesnt deserve all this grief.
He hung up to the sound of ringing, and Emily scowled.
Always the same: at war with each other, but when it came to her, they teamed up like a double act. Honestly, parents!
The new tutor didnt impress. He barely looked up at Emilys philosophising about idioms, snorted, and handed her some book, saying to read the highlighted chapters for next time. She was annoyed at first, but after a few examples he shared, decided this reading wouldnt hurt.
She hardly wanted to come across as a foolBen was clever. She should keep up. Shed watched so many relationship advice videosall of them said the same: A girl must be independent and smart. And, alright, maybe her mum was right about brains being something you built up. Despite everything, her mum had cobbled hers together and got a diploma while waiting for a chance to finally divorce.
Her mum had quit university when Emily was born, planning to go back but getting lost in nappies and sniffles. Emily was always ill as a baby, and there were no grannies to palm her off on. Nursery was a no-goshed last a week, then be home for a month, hating the place, the food, and the other scabby children. She wanted her mothers hugs, thats all. Her dad had once grumbled: You never let her out of your sight. Its not right. Shell never learn to be independent.
When Emily got to Year 3, her mum arranged for the neighbour to pick her up after school, went back to university as a part-timer, and got a job too.
Best decision ever. Otherwise, shed be at home counting pennies. Now at least she had her own small businessshe did up venues for weddings and parties. Emily thought what her mum did was lovely, sort of elegant and womanly. Although, at work, her mum was nothing like the quiet, tired homemaker at home. There she was the boss. Watching her mum direct people, Emily admired her without reservation. In those moments, she saw the strength she wished she had herself.
And yet, parental control: the nightmare that never dies. Emily now agreed with her dadmums could be a total pain. Emily had insisted her mum only come into her room if she knocked, and generally wouldnt stand for interference. But somehow, her mum still managed to quietly keep tabs on everything from the shadows. Not with threats, like her dad, but quietly, kindly:
Em, how are things? Whats on your timetable today? Hungry?
That caring got under Emilys skin so much that sometimes she wanted to scream: Oh, leave me alone! Im grown up now!
Sometimes, in fact, she did. Thered be shouting, stomping, sulkingand her mum would brush it off like toddler tantrums.
Emily raced from her session, eager to melt into Bens arms, forget her parents, exams, and all the rest for just a few hours. Grown-ups going on and on about everythingshe was sick of it all.
At their usual meeting spot by the school gates, Ben was nowhere to be seen. She loitered for a while, then decided to head up to the rooftop alone. Ben wasnt answering her calls, which never happened. Worry crept insomething was clearly wrong.
She climbed the stairs more slowly than usual, suddenly afraid. Before, with Ben holding her hand, shed fly up these stairs. Now, every step felt heavy.
The rooftop greeted her with gusty, not-yet-warm spring wind and silence.
No one was there.
Emily was about to leave, pulling out her phone to use as a torch since it was getting dark, when something moved at the edge of the roof. She froze, heart thumping, choking back a scream as she recognised Bens shape.
Ben
He sat on the edge, legs dangling over, shoulders drooped. Although Emily hadnt known Ben all that long, she instinctively understoodhe was hurting, really hurting. Something serious, maybe even dangerous, had happened. Thats why he sat like that: usually so self-assured, now seeming so small.
The fear that something irreversible was about to happen filled Emily with adrenaline. She quietly put down her bag and walked onto the roof, not daring to call his name.
Hello
She perched next to him on the ledge separating roof and abyss; the ground below was invisible now in the gathering dusk. Emily didnt copy Bens poseher feet stayed firmly on the roof, refusing to look down. Shed been terrified of heights since childhood and honestly didnt know why shed ever followed Ben up here tonight.
Hello Ben didnt even turn his head, so Emily took his icy hand in hers and squeezed.
Youre freezing
Huh? He finally looked up. For the first time, Bens eyes were emptynothing like the ones she knew. It was frightening and fascinating at once.
Somehow, Emily realised, right then, what her mum must feel during their arguments. It was the primal, clawing panic that you might lose someone you love
That was the only thing she could see in Bens limp, cold hand in hers.
How are you?
Emily barely recognised her own voice. She sounded just like her motherthe same gentle, pleading note:
Tell me! Whats wrong? Let me in! I swear I want to help!
And it worked.
Awful said Ben at last, giving her hand a weak squeeze. I feel awful, Em
Somethings happened.
She didnt ask; she stated. That worked too.
Yeah.
Can I know what? I mean, I know were not you know, that close, but maybe you could share?
Ben finally looked at her, so oddly that Emily flinched.
You think were not close?
No You misunderstood. I meant, I feel really close to you, just not sure you feel the same.
Em, youre all Ive got. Literally. No one else in the world.
Emilys heart skipped, then beat double-timehearing that, she thought for a mad moment Ben would hear the wild drumming, triumphant, like life itself.
What do you mean, no one else? What about your parents? she blurted without thinking, still reeling from his words. Bens reaction was instanthe jolted, then shook his head so sharply that Emily gasped.
Careful!
Yeah! Hold me, or better yet, push melike they did!
Who?!
The people I thought were my parents! Theyre nothing to me! Nothing! My mum handed me my documents today and explained how I came to be in their family. EmIm adopted! Get it? Adopted! I always suspected, but today I realised Id been living someone elses life, in someone elses place!
Ben was shouting, and Emily gripped his hand, terrified hed wrench it free and step off the edge.
She didnt doubt for a second that hed been planning it. All his bravado, his posing for an audiencenone of that was real with her. The glossy exterior peeled away when they were alone, and she saw the warm, gentle soul he kept hidden. That made it all the more painful to think of her own picking fights at home.
What was she rebelling against, really? Right now, she had no answer. Only now did she see that all her thrashing for adulthood was pointless. This boy had landed in the deep end, forced to grow up in a heartbeat, but he didnt have the support Emily had, the foundation of family, however dysfunctional.
Ben, Im scared! she finally admitted, dissolving into tears that seemed to bring Ben back to himself.
Oi! Whats this? He reached for her, and she hugged him tight as she could.
Pleasedont! Even if they kicked you out, Ill never walk away from what we have. Youre the most important person in the world to me, Ben!
Im not Ben His voice went dull and strange, so Emily looked up at him through her tears. That wasnt my name
What was it?
Alex. And I had a different last name, too.
That doesnt matter! Whats in a name? You could be the Popedoesnt matter to me! Youre you. Thats all I care about, got it?
Yeah But doesnt mean everyone else will. Em, what do I do? Where do I go now?
Cant you go home? Did they throw you out?
No. My mum cried, begged me to stay. But my dad I hit him.
Why?
He tried to lock the door so I couldnt leave. Shouted that I didnt understand anything
And do you? Do you really, truly understand? Are you sure?
What dyou meanwhats left to get, Em?! Bens voice rose again, the pain in it clear.
Why did they decide to tell you now?
Her question hung in the wind, drifting away. Ben curled up on the roofs edge, wrestling with her words.
I dont know he managed, and Emily exhaled with relief.
Now there was a question in his voicea sliver of hope. She was sure hed stick to the roofs edge until he had an answer.
Want me to come with you?
Where?
To your place Ben, well go together; they can explain why they told you the truth now. If after that you still want to come back here, we will. I promise I wont stop you.
Ben looked at her in astonishment. She gripped his hand tighter, pulling him away from the edge.
Lets go!
Ben swung his legs back onto the roof, following Emilys determined tug. Step by step, she led him away from the abyss, making him focus on what to do next, not what lay behind.
Im such a coward
Dont talk wet! Emily snorted, dragging him toward the stairs. Anyone would lose it, hearing that from their parents. Anyone!
Emily stumbled, and Ben caught her.
Careful!
Says you! Emily squeezed his hand, switching on her phone torch. Lets get moving! Lot to do tonight!
That evening stayed with them forever.
A difficult, fraught talk with Bens parents.
A reconciliation, when Ben learned that his real dad was soon getting out of prison, threatening to tell him everything himself.
And the tears of the woman who had raised him, taking on someone elses child after her best friendBens real mumdied so tragically, all down to falling for the wrong man.
My mum my real mum
Yes, Ben, your birth father did that.
And now he wants
He wants to see you.
I dont want to!
We understand, Ben. Thats your right. We thought it better you heard the truth from us, not him. Sorry we had to do it nowwe thought there was another year or two, but hes being released early.
I dont want to see him.
Thats up to you, Ben. Well support any choice you make.
They talked and talked, and Emily realised she and Ben would never return to that rooftop againnot tomorrow, not ever. Something inside had shifted, swapping old certainties for a new future.
When Emily finally got home, close to midnight, she let herself in quietly and tip-toed into the kitchen. Her mum, as always, was stood at her post by the window. Emily wrapped her arms around her from behind, nuzzling the frizzy curls, inhaling her mums familiar perfume until she thought shed burst with it. Then came the word that always meant hope, shedding what didnt matter and leaving only what did:
Im sorry
Her mothers echo was gentle, for her daughters cares were always more important than her own: Me too Hungry?
No, Mum. Thank you You know, I think I passed an exam today.
What exam, Em? Yours arent for months?
I think it was the most important one, Mum Ill tell you another day.
Why not now?
Because Ive got a mock tomorrow and I need my sleepEmily smiled, wrapping her arms tighter around her mum. The words she wanted to say hovered on her tongue, brimming with gratitude and things shed only just begun to understand. But for once, silence felt rightthe sort of silence that wasn’t empty, but full, like a sunrise after endless gray days.
Outside, the citys sleepy lights blinked in the distance. Emily closed her eyes, breathing in time with her motherone heartbeat steadying the next, two generations tangled by mess, love, fear, and forgiveness. Tomorrow would bring more arguments, more apologies. Exams and crushes and old scars would all have their say, but tonight, held fast in her mothers arms, Emily simply let herself belong, without needing to rebel or run.
For the first time in ages, she saw herselfnot as a child or a nuisance or a pawn, but someone quietly, stubbornly strong. Shed made a difference for Ben. Maybe, just maybe, she was starting to understand what makes you grow up after all.
When she finally let go, her mum stroked her tangled curls, her eyes shining.
Sleep, Em, she whispered, and Emily grinned.
Yeah, Mum, she said. I will. And tomorrow you can wake me up early if you like.
They laughedtheir relief quietly filling up the kitchen, chasing away the dark. And Emily thought, as she padded off to bed: maybe, sometimes, what you need most isnt freedom or answers or even to be understood.
Maybe you just need someone waiting at the window when you finally come home.
