Complicated Happiness
– What do you mean, were getting a divorce? Derek, are you having me on or what?
Caroline stared at her husband, utterly baffled. Divorce? After nearly twenty-five years together? They were meant to be celebrating their anniversary in two weeksor was that off now? Everything felt muddled. What about the party, the guests? Invitations had already gone out. Everyone would be coming. The family, all the friends nagging about what they should get as presents. Even Jess, her closest mate, had sent her gift early. Shame she couldnt make it, though; too far to travel and there she was, six months pregnant, not exactly fit for a flight. Best she stayed at home. Theyd meet again soonanother reason for another celebration. Jess, after all, was how Caroline met Derek. Shed been the one introducing Caroline to her university friend, and shed hollered loudest at their wedding, Kiss the bride! hiding from Carolines glare behind the bouquet that Caroline hadnt even thrown, just handed to her.
– Cant see why Toms dragging his feet. Hed be mad to let a girl like you slip by!
– He wont, love, hes just not ready. Besides, what do I want with an undercooked husband? End up bitter and separated in a couple of years? Split the stuff, the kids, the in-laws wholl all adore me by then? Nah, Ill wait until hes ripe for picking. – Youre a bit ambitious for two years down the road! Caroline cracked up watching Jess briskly redo her lipstick.
– I dont do things by halves, you know that! If youre going to go for it, do the whole lot!
– Including kids? Twins, right off the bat?
– Exactly! Get it over with and have the full set ASAP! Theres a history of twins in my familyand Toms, so its not just wishful thinking. – Youll still have to raise that set!
– Raising twos easier than one.
– Is it? Caroline asked, amused. Jess was forever the clever, pragmatic one. Whenever they played up as kids, Jess always managed to stay out of troubleher plans worked, and she looked after everyone in her schemes. If someone got too clever and did their own thing, thats when shed step back and let them get caught.
– Simple, Car! Its healthy competitionthe right type. Someone to play with always. And Ill have Mum of the Year status for raising two at once. Need more reasons?
– Enough, youll probably get everything you want anyway.
She did, only life upped the anteJess had triplets. The universe mustve had a laugh, giving her a real test.
She managed magnificently. By then, Toms lot properly rated her. Jess never doffed her cap to anyone, kept relations calm, and was ready to help if neededwhich mostly meant nudging Tom to muck in, even if he grumbled. Jess would warn:
– One day well need a hand and if were always holding back, well just get two fingers next time, and it wont be a peace sign! You want chips and mushrooms for supper? Then get round to Mum and sort her wardrobe. Be nice, and say Ill do her windows next weekend.
So, when Jess needed a hand with the children, she had two grannies and a granddad ready to jump in anytime. So, Jess gave birth, got the little ones through their tough start, and thought about uni.
– Youve lost it, Jess! How on earth are you going to manage? Caroline was genuinely gobsmacked.
– Whos going to dock marks with a triplet mum? My brain wont go to mush in maternity, and after, Ill have the skillseconomist, solicitor, and everything in-between! Whats not to like?
Jess not only got her diploma, she landed a good job, convincing her employer that her wage would cover a nannyknowing full well the grannies had it locked down.
– Jess, thatll leave you skint, wont it?
– Care, Im not hiring a nannyyet. The grandmas are on top of it, but thats not the bosss business! I need the experience. Paper or not, if you cant actually do the job, wholl take you? Ill manage on basics for a couple of years, then Ill be in a position to choose where I work.
Caroline marvelled at how Jess did everything at once while she was always rooted to the spot, slow at decisionsshed take ages as a child choosing between which tights to wear to nursery.
– But when you do decide, youre bang onyoure a real rock. Jess comforted her. Youre a classic, loveno one more solid.
Solid well, Derek seems thrilled with it! How could he? Why? Theyd been getting on fine. Yes, not having children created a distance, but theyd made their peace with it long ago. Caroline had volunteered in childrens homes, but realised she couldnt take a strangers child innot because she lacked grit or money, but she feared she wouldnt feel like a true mum. She didnt know what enough love was but suspected it was more than just willingness.
– You simply havent met your child yet. Mrs Swift, the director at one of the homes, watched Caroline watching the children around the Christmas tree. As soon as you do, youll know, and nothing will stop younot hardships or anything.
– What if I never meet them? What if Im not meant to be a mother? Caroline set about laying out the presents shed brought.
– Then you arent. Better that, Car, than trying and failing. Because then therell be two unhappy soulsyou and the child. Ive seen it so many times. See little Michael over there? Hes been sent back twice.
– Oh, God! How? Hes only, what, five?
– Six next birthday. First lived with one family for two years, then another for a year.
– Why, though? How could they?
– First, they took him in, then had their own child. Happens often, sad as it is.
– And the second?
– Good family, just overstretched. Had two, took on three more. Michael was the fourth, and there wasnt enough love to go round. Why did they agree to it? No clue. He lasted a year, then just sat in the corner, stopped eating.
– What even water?
– Refused everything. Asked to be taken back. Said he wasnt loved. Psychologist tried for ages, no luck. Returned. And honestly, Car
– Yes?
– Best not to have taken him. I worry for that boyhes so young with an old mans eyes. Trusts no one, expects nothing. I doubt anyonell be able to give him a homeitd take a love Im not sure exists.
That talk had nearly driven Caroline to ask for Michaels file. But Jess sobered her up:
– Are you sure you have the love he needs? If not, think again. Its a child, not a cause for pity. Otherwise you could end up among those that let him down. Want to borrow one of my three? Try being mum for a day!
Caroline declined. She stayed away from the home afterward, supporting from afar, but Michael stayed in her minda reminder: cause no harm. Shed learned that lesson for life.
Caroline hugged her shoulders, shivering. Why so cold? It was only autumn and the heating was on. What now? Should she help Derek pack? Would he need jumpers? Not chilly yet, but English summers passed in a blink. How different it was at her mums in Devon! Never cold, all winter in a light jacket, maybe something warmer just for trips out walking.
She realized, more than anything, she wanted to run home to her mum and lose herself in the moors for a few days. Just the two of them and the wild. But her mum was gone, and soon, so would Derek be
Lord, she didnt want all this freedom, what she wanted was her husbandto have things as before: coffee at breakfast, or in the night if she needed one, all-night chats when sleep never came, unplanned trips to the theatre or the countryside. They never planned things, and their happiest days were always spontaneous. Derek would ring in the middle of a workday and say,
– What are you up to, Care?
– Rushed off my feettwo interviews and banking after.
– Come on, sack it off. Lets get out of here go for a wander.
Shed drop everything. In an hour theyd be walking silently through woods, swapping nonsense, and everything felt right
Now all that was behind her. Past tense, her history. Shed remember, but Derek wouldnt. Hed make a new futurewith that woman who was having his child. A babywas it all about that? Or was their marriage always a lie? She could accept the first, not the secondthat would mean shed failed as a woman, not making him happy enough not to even consider leaving
Caroline stood in the kitchen window, knees drawn to the hot radiator, trying to force herself to move but stuck, shivering so hard the only houseplant Jess had ever brought her shuddered to the edge. When the front door slammed, Caroline pressed her fingers into the windowsill, desperate to break it, then stood, tipped the heavy pot onto the floor, and let out a yell.
Still, no relief. The spilt earth mixed with shattered pottery somehow woke her up. Yesthis was right. Everything was black nowno light left, nothing bright on the horizon. Derek was gone, and the world with him. Shed have to grope blindly through whatever future lay ahead, with no signposts left
Save for one.
Finally, Caroline left the radiator, walked barefoot through the shards and pain to the bedroom and unplugged her mobile.
– Je-e-e-ess
It wasnt cryinga sort of raw, animal yowl wrenched out, and Jess didnt need any explanations.
– Dereks left?
– Y-yes
– Well, Ill see you tomorrow.
– Dont be mad! Dont. I mean it! I cant forgive myself if you or the baby get into trouble Wait you knew, didnt you?
– Guessed. Derek couldnt look me in the eye when you last visited. I didnt get it then, but it all makes sense now. Caroline, its for the best.
– The best? I can’t go on living! Ive lost everything, Jess, everything! The whole of my lifedown the drain. What do I do now?
– Buy yourself a dress.
– What? Caroline nearly dropped the phone.
– You heard me. Get the one you didnt buy because it was too much. Go out, get it. Then show me. Dont sit at home howling! It wont change a thing. Buy the dress, hop on a train or a flight and get yourself here. Well walk in the hills.
– But, Jess, youre almost due!
– And what? Im pregnant, not an invalid. Well have mod cons, not camping, and take it easy. I need it. The twins are off on sports, Toms at a regattaso nows the time. Text me your train, and dont keep an expectant mother waiting!
Jess hung up. Caroline stared at her phone, bewildered. Now what?
The answer crept up naturally. She stood, went to the mirror. There she wasall the years plain on her face. Not a girl any more, hardly an old bag either. Life wasnt over. If Derek thought shed slink away and wallowhe was wrong. Jess was right, as always. Enough.
Caroline raked her fingers through her hair, wiped away tears, and straightened. Keep movingif she slumped now, shed never get up.
She texted through cancellations, rang the restaurant and florist. Done.
Now, a broom. Properly old-school, forgetting both hoovers in the cupboard, she swept up the kitchen, knowing shed get a new pot some other time.
The red dress fit perfectlya bright, vibrant thing, nothing like what shed worn lately. She preferred dull tones, leaving the statements to Jess. But suddenly, she wanted to shine too. Was she really so boring she couldnt attract attention?
The mirror said otherwisea tired, sad, confused woman, yes, but unbroken. There was still somethingsomething no one could steal. If only she could work up the anger and let it all gobut maybe she understood why Derek left. It had cost him too; theyd grown beyond mere spousestheyd been true friends, and that made it hurt more. Why, Derek?
The journey, with its awkward change, turned out for the bestdistraction to keep gloom at bay.
The trip was a success. She and Jess walked every country path near their little hotel, talking over each other or falling quiet, both afraid to miss anything important. Caroline felt the weight slowly liftJess had a knack for making even the significant seem trivial, reshuffling priorities so what was minor became worth considering.
– Move back home, Car. Whats keeping you? Business? You could do that herenew estate going up, endless need for childrens centres. Your dads still not wellwerent you going to bring him down anyway? Now, you dont have to change a thing. Live with him or nearby; its up to you.
Caroline pondered. By the end, she agreed. It was for the best.
Divorce, sale of their flat and car, tying up all her projectsshe let it go, keeping only memories and the lessons. A few tough meetings with Derek, jaw gritted and hands steady, then deleting his contact for good and swearing to forget.
Devon welcomed her in a riot of spring blossom. She found a flat near her dad, though not under the same roof, as she stumbled one morning across a kindly woman leaving her dads place. Mrs Lovelace, as she introduced herself, smiled so warmly, Caroline instantly understoodbetter for her dad to have a proper companion. Nothing to split, and truly, Caroline felt relief. Her parents had deeply loved each other, but she never felt her father ought to spend his days pining. Seeing him busy in the garden while Mrs Lovelace made tea, Caroline was grateful hed found a reason to keep going.
– Your fathers still quite the catch, you know, love? Mrs Lovelace looked at him with such affection Caroline believed perhaps love did existsometimes simply, sometimes not at all, sometimes hidden until the end.
Maybe that meant her own person might yet appear?
A year passed in a flash. Caroline opened two childrens centres, kept busy enough not to sink into old regrets. She changed everythingher wardrobe, her hair. She finally got a dog, years after shed first wanted one. But still, the old ache crept in at night, and shed find herself in her kitchen turning a cold mug of tea on the table, wishing Derek would walk in and say,
– Bad day? Let me stick the kettle on; you can talk it out.
She knew she should let him go and move on, but some part of her couldnt quite release him.
A call about taxes on her old business almost felt like a blessingsomething new to do and a bit of action. Off she went, sorted it all in a day, and with time to kill before her return train, she slipped back to her old neighbourhood. Why? To revisit places where shed been happy. Or maybe not happy. It depended how you looked at it.
One of her centres was gone, but the other was alive and buzzing. She stood at the window, watching a class draw, the young teacher roaring like a bear, the children shrieking with delight. Good lad. As long as the children enjoy it, thats all that matters.
She wandered by her old home, then the sprawling playground shed dreamt of bringing her children to, and the park she and Derek had haunted at weekends.
She didnt know why she turned into the park but found herself on the familiar path, noticing new benches and a restored fountain.
A man sat near the fountain, pushing a pram to and fro. She stoppedrecognised Derek. His hair was almost pure white now, but that ran in his family. His posture was crumpled, his attention fixed nowhere, absently rocking the pram.
Something in her couldnt leave him like that. Shed always known how to help him. If only hed let her.
– Derek
He flinched at her voice, shoulders drawing up, not ready to meet her gaze.
– Hello, Care.
She sat down, asked,
– How are you?
The banality struck her at once, but she stayed, watching him steady the pram, looking up eventually.
– Not well. Not well at all, Car.
– Why?
More ridiculous, but she needed to know, so she could finally let it all go.
– Because Im alone. Because I ruined everything good in my life over nothing. Through one stupid mistake that cost me everything.
– Thats not true she wanted to turn back the clock, to erase the past two years and hear him say otherwise. You have everything you need. More, even, than you left me with.
She nodded at the pram.
– Boy or girl?
– Girl. Eva.
– Young wife, new lifewhat more do you want?
– No wife. Emilys gone. Died in childbirth.
Caroline gasped; her anger faded. She pitied the woman whod set things in motion, barely out of girlhood herself. None of it now seemed to matter. Emily, who caught the perfect moment at the Christmas party to pursue her shotno one knew why Derek drank so much that night or why he let Emily take him home. What happened, happened. The result of it slept peacefully now in the pram, which Derek rhythmically rocked to hush her.
They sat in silence. When at last they spoke, their words tripped over one another. They talked so long that Eva awoke, saw the lamps lighting, and watched the stars bursting out in the indigo evening sky.
Caroline stood to look at the child and froze, taken aback by the little face.
– The moment you see your child, youll understand, Car! Mrs Swifts words echoed as if she stood right beside her.
Six months later, that same Mrs Swift led a dark-haired, solemn boy into her office, leaving Caroline alone to talk.
– Michael, do you know why Im here?
– To take me.
– Do you want to live with me?
– Dunno. Doubt itno one ever keeps me.
He watched her without much interest. The slight spark when she asked him if he wanted to live with her went out as soon as she showed her photographs.
– Is that your husband?
– Yes.
– And that your baby?
– No, Michael. Not mine.
The glimmer returned, and Caroline wouldnt let it go.
– She isnt my daughter, but Ill be her mum. And yours, if you want me to.
– Youll send me back.
– Why?
– Everyone does.
– Im not everyone. Do you know why?
– No.
– Because I know what it is to lose everything. To have no one left who loves you. It hurts.
– I know
– Do you know what a mum is, Michael?
– No.
– Shes the one wholl never let her child be hurt like that.
– Do you pity me?
Caroline looked at him thoughtfully and shook her head.
– No. I dont want to pity you. I want to love you. I want you to be happy. And I want Eva, that little girl, to have a big brotherstrong and brave. So nothing and no one can hurt her. Can we do that, do you think?
Michael was silent, looking at her. He saw she was beautiful, smiling, but also that she could be deeply sad. Her red dress was so bright he wanted to reach out and touch itand did.
– Like it?
– Very much.
– I do too. I bought it when I was terribly sad. Know what? It made things easier. Now its my favourite colour.
– I like it, too. Michael stroked the sleeve again, then looked at Caroline. Id like to try.
– No, Michael, we arent trying, were doing. Thats right for us. And I wont let you go again. But youll have to help meI dont know how to be a mum yet. But I want todesperately. For you and Eva. If youll let me. Will you help?
Michael nodded slowly, and Caroline finally breathed out.
And two years later youd find the four of us tramping along a moorland path, a dark-haired, gangly boy looking after a sprightly little girl who kept dashing ahead.
– Eva, there are wolves in these woods!
– No, there arent!
– Yes! And bearsbig, hungry ones.
– Didnt their mum feed them?
– No, not a clue about cooking porridge.
– Our mum can.
– Thats right.
– She should cook the bears some porridge, then they wont be hungry.
– Mum! Eva says youve got to cook porridge for the bears!
– Semolina? Puffing up behind, I caught up to my motley crew, keeping pace with Eva.
– Mum! Eva forgot entirely what caught her attention in the hedge. You cant make semolina. Bears wont like lumps!
– Little minx! I scooped her up and kissed her nose. Maybe you dont like lumps, but the bears would be grateful for any porridgeeven with lumps!
– Give them mine tomorrow! She wrapped her arms round my neck and settled in. And the honey you bought yesterday, too!
– Not on your life! I like honey. Are you walking or being carried?
– Carried!
– Then go to your dad! I handed Eva over to Derek, ruffled Michaels hair. So, Michael, are we really up for bear porridge?
– Mum, not ready to go home yetweve not seen it all! Anyway, if Eva feeds the wildlife, well never get her out of the hotel. Better to keep the bears hungry for now.
I laughed, glancing over my shoulder.
– Eva, well feed the bears later, once I learn how to do it right.
– Okay! Eva agreed so easily that Michael and I exchanged glances.
– Oh, Mum! Michael pulled a face.
– Oh, son! I matched him. Keep an eye on your sister. Or well end up feeding everythingbears, yetis, and creatures science hasnt named yet. Well have to bring them all home, too, because Eva simply wont leave them behind. Theyll need feeding and loving, too.
Laughter rang through the meadow, echoed after us, disappearing into the sky as the new day broke over the moors, promising its own bright light.
Today, as I write, I realise: happiness isnt in certainty or neat plansits finding the strength to keep going, learning to love and to let go. And, above all, to begin again with hope, even when the world seems darkest and the future uncertain.
