“An Angel” With a Secret
July 7
I was sitting in Mums kitchen this morning, my hands cupped round a steaming mug of tea. There was this giddy excitement in me I couldn’t seem to contain, and I caught myself grinning like a fool every other minute. I just kept going on about HER about the girl whod recently swept into my life and turned it inside out.
Shes an absolute angel! I burst out, gazing at Mum with more enthusiasm than probably ever before. Shes so sweet, so kind, and lovely I honestly cant believe she picked me out. Im just a regular chap, nothing special.
Mum, sitting across from me, listened carefully as she always does. Her face glowed with a warm, knowing smile. Shed noticed for a while that Id been different lately livelier, happier, like someone had struck a match inside me. Now, seeing me like this, she seemed certain: her son was well and truly smitten.
Oh, William, youve gone and fallen in love, havent you? she laughed, leaning back in her chair. When will we get to meet your mystery lady?
I hesitated for a moment, unable to meet her eyes. The truth is, I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted Mum to see just how wonderful this girl was.
Hopefully soon, I said, glancing back up. She says meeting the family is a very serious step, and she wants to be sure were both feeling its right before she meets you.
Mum nodded, clearly understanding the girls caution. She knew not to rush these things relationships need to breathe to grow.
Well, I hope you can persuade her, love, she replied with that gentle tone, reaching out to ruffle my hair into gentle disarray.
I recoiled, pretending to be mortified.
Mum! For heavens sake! I protested, smoothing my hair with exaggerated annoyance. Im not a child anymore!
Mum only laughed, her green eyes twinkling with fondness.
Come on round on Saturday, she offered, steering away from our little mock argument. Ill bake a cake, things should be quiet then gave myself the weekend off, fancy that.
I took a second to mull it over weighing up the pros and cons. Truth is, it was the perfect chance for the first meeting Mum had been longing for.
All right, I agreed at last, determination sneaking into my voice. Ill ask her. Saturday sounds lovely.
For as long as I can recall, Mums been working as a nail technician from home. Shes converted her small spare room into a tidy little studio: table lined with every file, buffer, polish under the sun, shelves filled with colours like a rainbow, a plush chair for comfort. Over the years, shes seen hundreds of women each bringing her own story, her temperament, her way of looking at the world.
Some would barely whisper about what sort of pattern they fancied. Others would barge in, already talking a mile a minute about everything under the sun. Some looked round with that superior air, commenting critically on each tool as if sizing up the staff at The Ritz. But Mum dealt with them all polite but firm, always finding the right balance between friendly chat and keeping her distance.
There was, however, one client who stuck out in her memory. Jessica on the surface, perfectly ordinary. Always smart, never flashy. Shed sit quietly, eyes calm, her smiles small but polite. She always came on time, asked for soft pastel shades, never haggled over price. Mum even grew rather fond of her here was a straightforward, decent girl, not a bit of drama.
But one day, while Mum was painting on the latest design, Jessica suddenly started to talk. She spoke slowly, as if thinking aloud about her own life. And with each word, Mums image of her began to unravel.
Ive got three children, Jessica said, as if remarking on the weather, her gaze fixed on her nails.
Mum actually froze, file in hand. Not in a million years did she expect that.
Really? she asked, carefully masking her surprise. Where are they?
Ones with his father, ones in care, Jessica replied, her voice steady. The youngest is with me, but not for long hell be going into foster care too.
There was a heavy pause. Mum tried to process what shed just heard but Jessica carried on, as casually as if she were discussing a new type of polish.
You see, children can be a decent way to get by. The important thing is to pick the right man.
And then, in detail and without the slightest hint of shame, she described her lifes philosophy. Marriage was never the goal; she targeted well-to-do men, often those already married. Shed start an affair, and once he was attached, shed have a child.
If a mans not free, hell be even more generous, Jessica explained dryly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. He wont want a fuss God forbid his wife gets wind of it. So he pays up child support, and whatever else it takes for me to disappear.
She said all this with a disturbing nonchalance, as if she were teaching a recipe for a Victoria sponge. Every child born this way was simply a method to her once theyd served their purpose, they became a burden.
This is just how Ive sorted my life out, Jessica added, reading the unasked question in Mums eyes. Her voice was eerily calm, lucid, with not a flicker of regret. Judge me if you like. But by twenty-five, I already had a flat in the centre, a fancy car, my own boutique business pulling in a tidy profit. And what do you have? Nothing much. Youre twice my age, and you spend your days doing nails for other, luckier women. I spend more at the café than you earn all week!
Jessicas words stung, but Mum kept her composure. Instead, she drew in a long breath and quietly, firmly asked:
But these are your children your very own flesh and blood. How can you walk away from them?
It was an honest plea, bewilderment writ large on her face. How could anyone so easily cast aside the most precious thing theyll ever have? Little ones gazing up at you, calling you Mum?
Jessica shrugged with a smirk.
Kids need bringing up, and I dont have time for that. Theyll be better in care maybe some kindly woman will adopt them and be their mum. But that’s not going to be me.
She spoke as if discussing the weather or a new nail colour. Mum gave a shiver, but Jessica, noticing her look, suddenly snapped:
Dont look at me like that. I never wanted to be a mother. Im not built for that sort of thing. Changing nappies, hearing babies cry all night its not for me.
Not a hint of remorse only the steady certainty of someone convinced shes right. She draped a leg over her knee, adjusted her expensive sweater, looking for all the world like she was talking about something as everyday as a bottle of hand cream.
Mum set aside her nail tools, feeling every emotion from disbelief to heartbreak swirling within her. But what could she possibly say? Could her words really change anything?
Do you truly believe this is the right thing to do? Mum managed in a near whisper, still hoping to hear the faintest trace of doubt.
Jessica only laughed.
The right thing is what brings me comfort and security. Nothing else matters.
Mum couldnt hide her shock. She stared at Jessica, searching for the faintest glimmer of humanity in those carefully made-up eyes but found only cold calculation. The idea that someone could speak so casually about abandoning her children startled her to the core.
How did you ever come to this? burst out Mum at last, not with anger but pained disbelief.
Jessica shrugged, business-like, as if shed recited this line before. For some reason, she felt like talking, and why not confide in someone who would never see her again? Jessica could easily find another nail technician her wallet allowed for plenty of options. A shame, because Mums work really was second to none. Funny, these home beauty treatments often proved better than the posh salons.
It wasnt even planned, Jessica drawled, gazing at her new nails. I was nineteen and fell head over heels for someone. Absolutely besotted! Turns out, he was married. To him, I was just a bit of fun.
She fell quiet, perhaps reliving that time. Mum didnt dare interrupt.
By the time I found out, I was already four months on, too late for anything else. So I had the baby. My lover well, he bought me a flat, just wanted to keep things peaceful, no trouble for him. He took our son in the end no idea how he explained that to his wife.
Again, not a trace of bitterness. Just the voice of someone whos long since weighed up the pros and cons.
Thats when I realised this could actually work out for me. Why not take advantage when the opportunity presents itself?
She paused, collecting her thoughts. It wasnt so easy to lay herself bare, but her cool mask held firm.
Now I stand on my own two feet, she finished with determination as if convincing both Mum and herself. I dont need help. Maybe Ill even settle down for real, marry a decent fellow, have his children and live ever so comfortably.
She said it with a smile, painting the perfect future in her minds eye. But in her expression, for an instant, Mum spotted something else. Doubt? Regret? Whatever it was, Jessica quickly buried it under bravado.
All the while, Mum kept her eyes on Jessicas hands, meticulously finishing her work. She resisted the urge to speak her mind, to name things for what they were. But she managed to hold back, gripping her tools tight.
Arent you afraid your past will catch up with you? That your secret will come out? Its nothing short of despicable, what youve done, Mum finally risked, more out of grief than anger.
Jessica laughed coldly, tossing her head. There was a chill in her gaze part challenge, part mockery.
Ive covered my tracks thoroughly, she replied smoothly. I even moved clear across the country. No witnesses. Friends are clueless. Mum doesnt want to know me, which suits me fine. Who else could say anything? You perhaps? she levelled her stare at Mum, openly mocking.
Mum felt her heart tighten. She put the file down and straightened her back, meeting Jessicas gaze.
Ive better things to do than chase after you and your men! Mum bit back, stung. And Id never spread stories. Its your life, but Ill tell you this: the truth always finds a way out, no matter how careful you are. Secrets have a habit of surfacing.
She fell silent, breathing deep, and then shifted into her professional tone.
Im done now. Is everything to your liking?
Jessica didnt answer immediately. She examined her nails, running a fingertip over the flawless finish. There was no fault Mum never worked half-heartedly.
Fine, Jessica snapped, reaching into her purse and placing several crisp banknotes fifty-pound notes, I suppose on the table. I wont be coming again. Ill find someone else. Goodbye. Or rather, farewell.
Her exit was brisk and final. She grabbed her handbag, straightened her shoulders, and left. Mum watched her go, not saying a word.
The door clicked shut behind her. The stillness that followed was heavy. Only the ticking clock stirred the quiet. Mum packed up her tools in silence, her mind whirring with thoughts about Jessica, those children, and what happiness and responsibility meant to different people.
Sure enough, Jessica never came back. Mum would sometimes remember that conversation, but tried not to dwell on it. Everyone chooses their own path in life, and carries their own choices.
**************
Mum had put a lot of thought into how best to host the meeting with my maybe-future girlfriend. The flat in London never quite felt right too cramped, too everyday. But out at the cottage, its something else: fresh air, lush greenery everywhere, the smell of honeysuckle and grass. We could set up under the apple trees, have a barbecue, sit in the summerhouse. The perfect mood, really, for a first get-together.
The big day arrived. Mum was bustling from before breakfast: dusting, arranging flowers, prepping nibbles. She kept checking the time, nerves building with each glance. For her, it wasnt just a meeting it was the sign Id grown up, that my heart was properly invested, and that perhaps Id found The One.
I could barely sit still, darting from one thing to another: fixing a wonky gate, sweeping the path, fiddling with the chairs out on the terrace. Every ten minutes Id pester her, Is everything all right? Did I forget to do anything? Do you need help with anything else? Mum would only smile, telling me not to worry, though I could see she was as anxious as I was.
Finally, at the promised hour, I threw on a fresh shirt, ran a comb through my hair, and mustered the courage.
Im off to fetch Jessica. Well be back in half an hour.
Ill be waiting, love, she replied, trying to sound calm.
While I went, Mum scanned the cottage. Crisp linen on the table, a bowl of fruit, a jug of wildflowers the sort of homey comfort she was always so good at. She took one last steadying breath, trying to still the butterflies. She knew Id never been this serious before. I rarely brought girls home, and if I did, it was in passing, no emotion. But today Today Id even bought a ring Mum had found out yesterday, lighting up with pride.
Half an hour ticked by. She stood by the garden gate, eyes fixed down the lane. And soon enough, my car pulled in. I got out, walked around to open the door for Jessica, who stepped out tall, graceful, a blonde in a crisp white summer dress. The breeze tugged at her hair as she approached.
I took her hand, and together we strolled up the path. Mum, watching from the porch, thought we made a striking couple. I was beaming, and Jessica seemed almost ethereal.
Up close, Mum peered at my guests face, a prickle of recognition growing. But Jessicas enormous sunglasses made it tricky to make out her features. What an angel, Mum thought, recalling all Id described.
Mum, this is Jessica, I introduced, giving her a gentle nudge forward.
The air was fresh, the garden humming, birds overhead. Mum stepped to greet her, already planning to mention how stunning she looked. But all of a sudden, Jessica stiffened. Her hands moved slowly, almost robotically. She slid off her sunglasses, and instantly Mum could see her eyes the very same ones from that fateful nail appointment, recounting a shattering story.
Jessica turned to me. Her lips trembled, but her words came out sharp, unwavering:
We have to break up.
My heart stopped. I reached for her, desperate to pull this back, but she drew away.
But why? I barely whispered. Whats happened? Were just getting
I dont want to explain, she interrupted, her voice cold and final. Its over.
Without another word, she turned and strode away down the drive. We just watched her go, completely stunned.
A minute later we heard a car slow down on the road. Jessica hopped in with barely a backward glance, and disappeared from our lives.
I slumped onto the step outside, lost. Mum came over, put her hand on my shoulder, but I barely felt it.
Thats when she understood. Her own words, spoken ages ago to Jessica, rang in her ears: Secrets have a way of surfacing, no matter how well you think youve hidden them.
Now those words had come home with an awful clarity. What were the chances my girl turned out to be the same Jessica Mum knew all about? Or was it fate, striking so suddenly to shatter my happiness?
Mum stood by the lane, staring after the vanishing car, her heart breaking for me. There was nothing more to say just time. Maybe, after a while, wed both learn how to go on.
*************
Evening. The quiet out here, so peaceful before, now felt heavy and oppressive. Somewhere beyond the hedge, a neighbours dog barked, startling me back to reality. I glanced up at Mum, my eyes burning with sadness and confusion like a boy who cant see why the world has to be so cruel.
I just sat on the porch, staring out, numb to the orange and gold of sunset. Inside, I felt deadened nothing but aching emptiness.
Mum gently sat beside me. She didnt say anything, didnt press me just sat, solid and kind, the way she always was after a playground fall or falling out with mates.
Minutes ticked by before I finally croaked out:
Mum why? Please tell me why this happened. I gave her everything.
She drew a long breath, and I could tell she was searching for the right words.
Son, she started carefully, theres something you should know. Ive met Jessica before.
I jerked round, baffled.
When? Where?
She came for a manicure months ago. And she told me her story. About her life.
Mum paused, steadying herself. My knuckles turned white where I gripped my knees.
She has children, Will. Three. One with his dad, one in care, and the last was with her, but she said hed soon be going too. She didnt want to be a mum. For her, children were a way to get money, a flat, an easy life. She found men, had their babies, took their support payments, then disappeared.
Each word landed like a brick. My face must have gone ashen. I sat in silence.
When I saw her today, I realised straightaway. And so did she. Thats why she left so suddenly.
Silence between us, broken only by the distant dog and the odd passing car.
But how? She was so gentle, so kind. We were making plans I bought her a ring
My voice faltered. Mum clasped my hand.
I know it hurts. But its better to know now than down the line, when things are even more tangled.
I buried my face in my hands. For a while, I didnt move, then my shoulders began to shake. Mum wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close like she had when I was a little boy, trying to shield me from the world.
Cry if you need to, she whispered softly. Its healthy. The hurt will fade. Bit by bit, it will.
I didnt cry just sat there, pressed into her shoulder as she stroked my hair.
Why are people like this? I muttered. Why play with others feelings?
Not everyones like that, she replied. But some just dont know how to love, not really. They look for gain, comfort, convenience. Real love is too mysterious it scares them.
I released her hand, wiping my eyes. The pain was still there, but somewhere behind it, a sliver of clarity was beginning to show.
So she lied to me? All this time?
Yes. And none of this is your fault. You just met someone who wasnt capable of real love.
The garden slid into twilight, the sun gone. Mum stood, gently tugged me up.
Lets go inside. Ill put the kettle on. Well talk. You need to get it all out. Then, when youre ready, youll start a new chapter. Things will get better not immediately, but they will. Tonight, its fine to feel sad.
I nodded. I didnt know what came next, but at least Mum was by my side. That was enough for now.
The lesson today was a painful one, but as I look back, I see this: the truth, however hard, always finds its way out. And sometimes, what you thought was an angel has secrets you never could have imagined. All you can do is face it, learn, and trust that in time, wounds heal and life begins again.
