Dreamcatcher
Again?! Emily, Em, wake up! Shell wake up the little ones! Hold her! Helen slid out of bed and shook her sisters shoulder. Will she ever settle down
Sophie tossed and turned under the covers, her moaning filling the bedroom with a haunting sorrow that seemed to pull at your very soulmaking you look over your shoulder, just to check if anyone was there.
Like some dreadful horror film! Emily groaned as she threw her duvet aside, padding to Sophies bed half-asleep.
She draped her own blanket over her sister, laid down next to her, wrapped her arms around Sophie, and sang softly,
Hush-a-bye, close your eyes, sleep tight and rest your little head Oh, for heavens sake! Helen, theres no hope for lullabiesshes burning up! Get Mum!
Helen hesitated by Sophies bed, sighed, and gave inoff to the parents room. What else could she do? Sophie was as much their child as the others. And if Mum found out theyd kept something from her, shed have both their hides.
The master bedroom was quiet, save for the soft snuffles of baby Samuel in his cot, wedged close beside her parents bed. Helen reached into the gloom, stroked Olivias shoulder gently.
Mum mum
Olivias brown eyes, so like Helens own, snapped open. Her warm hand closed around her daughters fingers.
What is it, darling?
Its Sophie! Mum, shes burning up. Like an oven!
Samuel whimpered softly, and Olivia started humming, just as Emily had moments before:
Hush-a-bye, dont you cry
Her hand was gentle as she slid Helens hand onto Samuels little back.
Rock him a bit, loved one, so he doesnt wake up. Ill go
Moving as if there hadnt been a twinge in her back just yesterday from her tumble off the ladder while cleaning, Olivia rose and tread lightly down the hall to the girls room, listening for any disturbance in the sleeping house.
The house was her pride. How many times had she heard theyd bitten off more than they could chew? That it was too much, that theyd be comfier in a flat in London
Relatives would shrugs, as if it was nothing to toss out,
What do you need with a house so big? Especially with no children!
Every time, Olivias heart clenched, head bowed, as if someone completely indifferent pinned her down. Cant be a mother? Not in your cards? Then youve no right to look the world in the eyeno carrying your fine head proudly for you!
How often had Alex, finding her hunched from another argument with her mother or aunts, pulled Olivia into a hug, amazed at how neatly her cheek found the hollow at his collarbone? Theyd melt together, not just sharing warmth, but each others silent thoughtsso much that it was as if one couldnt feel without the other sensing it.
Pay them no mind. They dont know a thing!
But theyre right, Alex No children
Thats yet to be seen! Alex would grit his teeth, swearing that hed make her dream real, no matter what those gossips said.
It felt like anything was possible so close to London and with enough money. First one clinic, then another, then another Each time, the same answer: Sorry, were not magicians.
Olivia began hiding her eyes, not even daring to tell Alex what she feared was settled. When he spoke of building a house, she found her courage.
Not with me, Alex I love you, you know I do But you deserve a family. If I cant give you a child Ill file for divorce.
Dont be stupid! Alex slammed his tea mug down, burning his finger on the hot cup and hopping in pain around the kitchen. Olivia! Stop it! Im a straightforward man, Ill say what I thinkin plain English! Your mother can shame me all she likes! Uncultured, hot-tempered, fine by me! But let me tell youforget it! Im not letting go of you. Heaven help me, you daft woman! Wouldnt be half so gentle if you werent such an expert at turning my heart inside out!
Me?! Olivia looked up in shock, forgetting shed been about to cry.
Who else? Whats this nonsense? I need you, not anyone else! If there are children, wonderfulif not, maybe it just isnt meant to be.
Of course, this didnt put Olivia at rest. Men say things in the fire of youth, but thenone day, hed regret. But Alex stood firm. Hed waited too long for the one who brought joy to his days.
This marriage was Olivias second. Shed married first at nineteen, and not for love, but as escapefrom a mother who scolded and controlled her every move.
Her relationship with her mother, Lydia, had always been complex. Lydia would one day boast about her perfect daughter, the nextbrutal, as if demons were tugging her strings, forgetting all pride in Olivia overnight.
How did I end up mother to such a disappointment? Sometimes youre a marvel, Olivia, other times What goes on in that head of yours?
If Olivia knew the answer, shed have spoken. Instead, eyes down, shrinking under Lydias scorn, wondering, how can you love someone who always shouts?
If someone asked, Do you love your mum? Olivia would say, Without question! Who doesnt love their mother? Only, as she grew, she realised intelligence and sophistication dont make someone warm. Lydia was sharp, charming, always the centre of any room. Not, however, as a mother.
Mum, why dont you love me? The question escaped a week before her wedding, after Lydia had sniffed at her wedding dress, wondering where Olivia had found that rag.
Olivia had taken a month to choose the perfect plain-cut gown, certain it would pass muster.
Mum, answer me! I dont understand. Your only child. You and Dad seemed content. Whats wrong with me?! Why are you so harsh?
Dont be stupid!
It isnt stupid Whatever I do, its wrong
Do it right, then! Everything will right itself! Olivia! Stop wearing on my nerves! Chosen to marry, then marry! Just dont demand my approval! Its your choice to makedont come running to me if it all falls apart. A mother isnt just there to smother with kissesyou need a sharp word from time to time.
From time to time
Enough! Wait until you have children of your own, then youll know!
Know what, mum?
How hard it can be to love a child; how hard to show them they matter. Did I do so little for you?
Thats not what this is about!
Then what? Your father disappeared into his interests. I did my best. Girls were a mothers job, according to him. If youd been a boy
Thats when Olivia realised what was wrong with her family. Talking to her aunts, she confirmed ittheyd always wanted a son, and Olivias birth was met without joy.
Goodness, how medieval! Olivia walked through the autumn park, mind racing, Boys were valued, girls not. Rubbish If I ever have children, Ill never divide them into right and wrong sort. God help me, let me never do that
The wedding was grand but full of awkwardness. The dress, too tight by the middle of the night, was no longer her dream, and her mother kept hugging her for the cameras.
Isnt this wonderful, darling? You look a picture. Are you happy?
Olivia couldnt say. She nodded, scanning the room for a friend to loosen her corset, unwilling to let slip to her mother or ruin her perfect day.
The marriage barely lasted a year and a half. When Olivia lost her pregnancy, her husband packed his bags and was gone before she was out of hospital.
The flat her parents had bought her stood empty; picking her up, Lydia chirped away at the wheel.
Well let the place, darling! You move back home. Enough adventure! Time to buckle down. Finish uni, and your father and I will find you a proper man. You made a mistake, trusted yourself with such a choice, and now youll pay for it.
Olivia stayed quiet. No arguing. But that evening, she sought out her father.
Dad, if you care at all, let me live alone. I cant stay here right now.
Why not?
It hurts
Oddly, this time, her father understood, and simply said, Thats decided, and told Lydia not to interfere. Even when Olivia later took a part-time job and refused their allowance, he insisted her wages be put in a drawer, just in case.
Olivia finished university, won a promotion, but her personal life floundered. She was not lacking beauty, but she lacked the spark that drew suitorsmore like fading embers, warm but dim.
The reason was clear enough: complications after her loss meant motherhood was almost certainly out of reach. The news broke her. She kept working, going through the motions, but the spark faded, and concerned relatives talked.
Whats wrong, Lydia? Look at the girlshes like a statue! Those lifeless eyes! Something must be done!
Olivia, oblivious to these talks, thought little of the increasing number of parties and family weekends. It was at one of these that she met Alex.
He wasnt a guest. Not by family standardsnot marriage material for Olivia. He was the cab driver whod brought her aunts family to the countryside. He didnt expect the woman in the white coat to step out, bark To town, please! slamming the car door behind her.
Maybe that was the day Olivias patience snappedshed had enough of endless gatherings where as a child, shed have been hauled onto a stool, made to recite for dear mummy. She wanted to rescue any child similarly paraded, grab them and sprint from a house where correct cutlery counted for more than feelings ever did.
Alex asked no questions. He dropped Olivia at her flat, and when she patted her coat pockets, suddenly sheepish:
Oh
Whats wrong? Forgot your purse?
Yes Left it at the house. I grabbed my keys, but my wallets still there.
Dont worry. Give me a smile and were square.
Scowling, Olivia shook her head, cutting him off.
Wait here, Ill just run up.
He didnt wait. By the time Olivia came down with money, the taxi had disappeared. She stood a moment under the archway, then returned, wondering about fates little joke.
Her escape hadnt gone unnoticed. Her mother gave her a full lashing about disrespecting the family, but to her surprise, her father merely reminded her, in future, to at least tell someone she was leaving, to avoid panic.
Alex was back outside the next morningand Olivia, heels swapped for flat pumps, didnt even question it, staring at his familiar car.
Jump in!
He was calm, self-assured, and, as Olivia was taller still, a little comicalshe towered over him.
Their friendship began. Olivia was cautiousherself the daughter of academic and business success, he a cheerful cabbie. Her family would never approve. Yet there was something warm and honest in Alex; she decided to give it a goregardless of her mother.
And did her mother protest! The family quaked at the storm.
Ill disown you! Do you understand? Ill cut you off! Olivia, come to your senses! Hes not for you!
But Olivia dug her heels in. For the first time, she knew what she wanted, and she wouldnt look back.
She told Alex about her troubles long before their wedding.
What do you think? She turned the silly plush toy hed given her in her hands, not daring to meet his eyes. We may never have children Do you understand?
Well, so what? Do folk only get married to have kids? I love you, Olivia. Whether its a bakers dozen or just us two
Its easy to say that now
Try me. My father raised me to keep my word. Thats the end of it. All right?
Registry office, then a party at Alexs parents in Surrey. Olivias mother refused to come; her father appeared at the end, stiffly congratulated them, then vanished again. Olivia, at least, understood what awaited him back home.
Alexs parents, however, greeted her warmlyif not without a dose of honest teasing.
Shes awfully thin, Alex Youll have to feed her properly! If she cant cook, I showed you enoughsort her out! Stop worrying, Olivia, head up now! Lifes shortno need to spend it on regrets! Come help, Im making jamleave the men alone or the strawberries will disappear, and well have nothing left to cook!
Mum! Alex snorted at Olivias lost expression.
Dont you Mum me! I know where last years strawberries went! This year, theres even lesslets not waste time!
Sitting at the kitchen table, Olivia realised she liked it. The home, the warmth, the honest peoplethings her family lacked. There was no question whether shed been accepted: shed already been handed the best jam recipeAlex eats it only at home!
Alexs family exuded the same light as he did. When Olivias situation came up, his mum, Mrs Taylor, dried her hands, hugged Olivia to her wide, pillowy chest.
Oh, my dear Poor thing But thank you, thank you for being honest.
For what? Olivias voice wobbled with emotion.
For trusting us, thats what. Others would have kept quiet. But, listen, children arent just bornsometimes, theyre sent to us another way. You know, I was adopted myself. My parents couldnt have children, but no one on earth was dearer to me until I married and had Alex myself.
Youre adopted?! Olivia stared.
So? Did you think an adopted child was missing something? Listenmy parents never spoke of it. I only learned when Mum was very ill. I was abandoned, but so what? It’s who raised me that mattered. You understand?
Olivia took her mother-in-laws words to heart, tuning out more of Lydias arrows.
The house rose, with Alexs transport company taking off, his family helping with their own hands. Olivia busied herself with new casesher career as a solicitor thrived. But one desire remained unmet: motherhood.
She and Alex completed foster parent training and began looking for their child. They didnt wait long. The phone rang just once from the social worker, but it was Alexs mum who phoned, words tumbling over themselves:
Olivia! The Smiths next door, do you remember? Their mums given up their three The councils taken themgood children, they are, I know them! The older girls are golden, and they look after their little brother. I know you only wanted the one, but thats three. Its a lot of responsibility, but theyre practically family Theyve always called me Granny Please think about it. Itd break my heart to see them in carethey never had it easy, and now this… Oh, I cant stand it
Mum, dont! Alex took the phone whilst Olivia scrambled for her shoes. Make yourself a cuppa and waitwere coming.
So, in a blur of worry and readiness, Olivia became a mother of three in one go.
Seven-year-old Emily and six-year-old Helen were wary at first, but told her solemnly,
You neednt be scared. We can see youre good.
Two-year-old Alex JuniorAJwas quicker to attach, trailing Olivia everywhere, happy to do whatever she suggestedpies, swings, cuddles.
The string tied Olivia and AJ together was visible to everyone, except, perhaps, her own mother.
For goodness sake! Olivia, what were you thinking! Three kids and from that sort of background!
Mum, Im a solicitor
All your education for this! Olivia!
What?! Patience ebbing, for the first time Olivia raised her voice. Ive always done as you ordered. Now its my turn.
Youve not listened to me for ages! First Alex, now this Your choices, Olivia. Choices
Olivia ended the call, holding the phone as if seeing it for the first time.
Maybe that was when she realised she was finally grown.
One year, then two, then three.
The children flourishedOlivia barely had a free moment. She worked part time, mostly from home, helping clients buy or sell homes, focusing only on keeping her hand in, giving herself to family instead.
It was months before Olivia realised she was, against all odds, pregnant. She put it down to stress or tiredness until Alex found her retching in the morning.
Were going to the clinic!
Why?
Because this isn’t normal!
Alexs mum, Mrs Taylor, busy at the hob, ruffled Olivias hair kindly:
Listen to your husband, dear. You look positively green! Go see a doctor. Mind you, I know whats wrong
Whats that?
You wouldnt believe me, so let the doctor say! And when youre back, Ill make you breakfast. Youll need your strength!
Hearing the news from the GP, Olivia was stunned:
That cant be true! Are you serious?
Now, now, Miss, mind your words!
But its impossible
Tell that to your baby here! Look, see, your impossible on the screen? Still tiny, but there.
Shall I call your husband to have a look?
Please
Olivia wept, looking at the strange black-and-white image shed longed for, once dreamed of but no longer expected.
Samuel was born that winter, bringing so much joy and chaos that Olivia could hardly believe it.
Emily and Helen met the new brother stoicallyone more, one less, as long as Mum had help. But AJ was jealous, clinging to Olivia, desperate for attention.
AJ, my darling, whats wrong? Olivia cuddled him with one arm, cradling Samuel with the other. Im always here for you.
It took time and patience to reassure AJ he was still loved. But only just as he settled did fate deal another handtheir family grew again, suddenly.
Sophie entered their lives, a relative whom Olivia barely knewa daughter of her cousin, living far up north, out of reach except for the news relayed by relatives. So when the call came in the night, chaos fell.
Mum! Slow downI cant make sensewhats happened?
Oh, Olivia! Annieyour cousinheavens, how could this happen?! I knew there was something not right about him, but no one listened! Shes gone, do you understand? And the girl orphaned for life! Whod want the daughter of such a man?
Mum, please breathewheres Sophie?
How should I know?
Mum, I need to make a call.
Olivia put the children in her bed, sent Alex to fetch his mum, and sat by her phone.
Her aunt, more practical, said shed make enquiries. Soon, Olivia knew where Sophie had been taken and was off with Alex in the car, hurrying to the airport, sending a hurried hug to Mrs Taylor and leaving her the house.
Getting Sophie home was not simple. Traumatised, the girl shied from shadows, barely speaking, recoiling from toucheven her own.
Many times, roused at night by the other children, Olivia crept into the nursery to calm Sophies night terrors.
Sophie, youre home, petal. Im here. The girls are right here. No one will ever hurt you.
But nothing seemed to help. Sophie couldnt comprehend what had happened.
Is Mummy coming soon? shed whisper, face hidden against Olivias shoulder, ashamed her cries had woken her sisters.
For now youll stay with us. And Mum Olivia tried to sidestep the truth, per advice, but Sophie worked it out herself.
Shes not coming back, is she?
The directness took Olivia aback. She abandoned the carefully worded replies and looked Sophie straight in the eyes.
No, darling. She isnt.
Surprisingly, Sophie took it quietlyshe wept, resting her cheek on Olivias palm, letting the girls hold her for the first time.
A week passed, then another, but the nightly cries persisted, even after visits to the therapist and the familys best efforts.
Emily and Helen tried everything. Toys, hairclips, even a blouse Helen dearly lovedSophie took it, hung it up, shook her head.
Thank you, but Olivia bought me all I need. I know you love this blouse.
The teddy bear Emily gave her was placed on her desk and promptly forgotten.
It was AJ who helped. Spending the weekend with Mrs Taylor, hed been given a book about Native Americans, and suddenly demanded to go home.
Why, AJ? You wanted to stay the night!
I must! AJ replied, brow furrowed.
Mrs Taylor simply brought him back. Olivia raised her eyebrows but said nothing as AJ dashed to the girls room, book in hand.
Look! He pointed at a picture. A dreamcatcher! We need to make one for Sophie. Her bad dreams will get caught in the web, and shell stop crying.
Emily clapped, snatched the book:
Show me, AJ! How do we make one?
Olivia was tasked with getting thread and beads; Mrs Taylors two best geese were parted from some feathers, and soon the children were hard at work.
AJ, sitting cross-legged, picked out the prettiest beads:
Blue, like Sophies favourite colour; red, like mine; yellow for Emily, white for Helen
They decided not to say anything till the dreamcatcher was finishednot wanting to jinx their plan.
That night, as always, Sophie woke sobbing, clutching Olivia.
Dont send me away!
Olivia hurried over and gasped:
Sweetheart, youre burning up! No one will ever take you away. I promise!
Not even him?
Who, darling?
Daddy
And thats when Olivia understoodSophie knew what had happened, perhaps witnessed it.
Cursing those whod left her in the dark, Olivia pulled Sophie into her arms, ordering Helen to fetch the phone. We need an ambulance, quick! And get Dad! I need him!
Here, love. Alex came in, touched Sophies forehead. Blimey
Indeed. What do we do till the ambulance arrives?
Old mums way!
He yanked the sheet off Helens bed, dashed to the bathroom.
Helen, get medicineplenty of water! Sophie must drink!
The next half-hour passed as a blur. Olivia fought for her child, certain now Sophie was hers as much as the othersshe had long since accepted her, heart and soul.
The paramedics arrived, said nothing about the harried, tearful mother, her nightgown all but soaked, cuddling the sleeping girl, stifling tears and laughter.
She fell Shes so hot
Who, mum? The little one? Did she hit her head?
No, not the child! The temperature
Ah, thats all? Thank goodness! If anything changes, call the local GP. For now, were offnothing more we can do.
Morning found Olivia in Sophies room. Blinking sleepily, she glanced at the wall.
Whats that? she whispered to Helen, stroking Sophies curls.
Dreamcatcher, Mum! We finished it while you slept. AJs idea from his new book. But I dont think its really needed now.
Why not?
Because Sophie already has one.
Oh?
You. While we slept, she held your hand and didnt cry. So, you caught all her nightmares. Isnt that right?
Perhaps. Do you know what else?
What?
She has more than one dreamcatcher.
How many?
Count! You, Emily, AJ, Dad, me Granny when shes here. Grandpa on the weekends Many Olivia glanced at the kids clock and gasped.
What time is it?
Nearly lunchtime, Mum! Dad said not to wake you.
But Samuel…
Hes fine; Dad bottle-fed him. And Grannys here, both of them! Mrs Taylor says shell stay to help, and Grandpa will come at the weekend. Granny Lydia, tootheyre in the kitchen, arguing, now having tea. Oh, and Mrs Taylor brought us a chick! A real one! Its tiny; AJs glued to its box. Maybe we could get a cat? Or a dog? The house is so big, we dont have a pet. Not like Granny!
AJ peeked round the door, Lunchs ready. Unable to wait, he settled at Sophies bedside, nuzzling Olivias hand for a cuddle.
Mrs Taylor came in, Samuel in arms, nodded, shooed the children to the kitchen.
Ill bring you lunch. Hows Sophie?
No fever
Good! Thank heavens, the poor child. You know, all those doctorskids need love, a home, warmth. Thats the real cure. Oh, whats this?
A dreamcatcher. The girls made it to help Sophie.
Well then. Love, warmth, a real home. The rest is time, Olivia, time heals.
Olivia watched her family, blew softly on Sophies forehead as she slept, chasing away the shadows that haunted her dreams.
Off you goshes ours now. All of ours.
The kitchen rang with childhood chatter, Mrs Taylors warm retort was met with laughter from Lydia, surprising Olivia. From the driveway, Alexs car horn announced his arrival for lunch, and Olivia smiled, cradling Sophie.
Now everything was as it should be Everyone home, everyone their own
Though perhaps, just perhaps, theres still space for someone else. Time will tell.
