I will always be there for you
Dont start again! Weve had this conversation a thousand times, why drag it up once more? Emily waved her hand tiredly and turned back to the stove.
Today had been completely cheerless. It started at five in the morning when Oliver shuffled into my bedroom, nudging my shoulder.
Dad! My throat hurts!
Half awake, I pressed my lips to his forehead and any trace of sleep vanished instantly.
Yes, youve got a temperature, mate. Come along! I picked Oliver up and, gently closing the door, headed out. The last thing I needed was to hear from Sarah later about not getting enough sleep.
After checking his temperature and giving him some Calpol, I tucked him back into bed. I looked at the time and realised it wasnt worth even trying to go back to sleep. Best to wait for the surgery to open so I could call the doctor. Once sure Oliver was asleep, I crept to the kitchen, made a coffee, and stood staring out at the garden.
It had been a remarkably snowy winter for Kent. Even now, everything was blanketed in thick, untouched snow, aside from a few scattered tracks from early risers making for the station. Out the corner of my eye, I caught movement and let out a laugh. Mrs. Jenkins cat, Winston, was bouncing around the garden, diving head-first into snowdrifts, only to pop up again a few feet away. What on earth possessed him to go out in this weather? It seemed Winston cared nothing for the cold. He was a fiercely independent little chapabsolutely refused to use the litter box if he could help it. Mrs. Jenkins let him out at the first meow, or the whole block would hear about it if she didnt. Credit where its due, Winston never once made a mess indoors. Yesterday, coming down to collect Oliver from nursery, Id seen him marching to the front door, loudly voicing his complaints on the way.
Come along, then! Youd think he owned me, not the other way round! Hello, Emily! Just look at this rascal! He acts like hes lord and master round here. Stayed late at work yesterday, and this is my reward!
Afternoon, Mrs. Jenkins. Hes quite the character, your Winston.
Oh, hes one of a kind! Must be my destiny, raising serious men”
Id only smiled and walked on. There was nothing to say to that. Mrs. Jenkins son, Matthew, really was a serious bloke. Bright as a button, good sense of humour, too. Pity not many bothered to notice. Most saw a skinny, bespectacled young man, not particularly tall, hardly one to catch the girls eye. Id known him all my life. And as far back as I can remember, Matthew was always nearby, especially back when Mum died.
My mother, Irene, was hit by a car on a zebra crossing. She was crossing perfectly legally, but it made no difference. That was the worst day of my life because I’d always been told that if you did everything right, you had nothing to fear.
Matthew and I were both ten. Id never lost anyone close before and I fell into a daze. I stopped talking, just wept. Any attempt at consolation, Id shake my head and beg silently to be left alone, locking myself in the bathroom whenever I could. Id find the nearest dark spot and doze off, craving oblivion. A psychologist my Dad took me to was alarmed by my state and urged him to act, fearing for my health.
Matthew understood. Hed lost his own father two years before. Maybe thats why he understood me better than any grown-up ever could. He all but moved in with us, and Mrs. Jenkins never objectedshe cared deeply for me and always encouraged the neighbours to help. Theyd bring food, watch me when Dad had to run errands. Never once did Mrs. Jenkins tell Matthew off for staying so late with me. Hed sit for hours coaxing me to do homework, reading out loud, dragging me off to ballet and gymnasticsMums dream for me, wanting me to grow healthy and beautiful. In time, Matthews gentle perseverance worked. I began to thaw. When we discovered a half-blind kitten in the gutter and dragged it back to Mrs. Jenkins, it was the first time since the accident that Id said anythingasking for milk for the foundling. Mrs. Jenkins handed me the little bottle and, whispering under her breath, said, Thank heavens, shes come back to us!
The kitten stayed at Matthews, since it turned out my Dad, Frank, was allergic.
Matthew kept looking out for me. I was so used to having him around, he felt like an extension of myself. Both only children, we found in each other what we were missing: someone to lean on, real friendship, a bond as deep as siblings.
We didnt always have to say what we were thinking. We understood with a glance. Id start a sentence, Matthew would finish it. The adults were bemused, but kept quiet, allowing our friendship, grateful, I suspect, that we lonely half-orphans found something to help with the pain.
Things only changed at the end of secondary school. I grew into an attractive, clever young woman, and the boys started flocking round. Matthew watched in silencebut he knew I wasnt interested in any of them. Until James showed up. I met him one day, slipping on the steps at the leisure centre.
Are you alright, miss? Let me help you! The tall, handsome lad reached out a hand. Bloody ice everywhere! Are you sure youre okay?
I looked up at my rescuer and froze. Id always insisted love at first sight was a load of nonsense, made up by poets. Now, I realised how wrong Id been.
Im done for, Matthew! Completely done for! Hes just”
What? Matthew scowled, but I barely noticed, caught up in my thoughts.
I cant explain it perfect! I spun round the room. You could at least be happy for your dearest friend!
For my dearest of course! I am happy for you. Matthew forced a smile and made his excuses.
I didnt notice; my mind was elsewhere. James and I were together for more than three years before deciding we were ready for marriage. Our parents were informed, and we booked the registry office.
Shame I need a bridesmaid. Why cant I have a man of honour instead? I quipped, twisting in my wedding dress in front of the mirror.
Matthew, whod driven me to the tailors, was sitting silently as the fitter fussed over my dress.
The grooms not supposed to see the bride in her dress! the seamstress warned.
Hes not the groom! I laughed. Hes my friend.
Friend is he now? the woman mused.
Why not? Matthew jumped in, Cant people be friends? Come on, Emily, we need to sort out the cake, and I really ought to put in an appearance at work today.
Ill be quick! I ran off, and Matthew sank to the lobby sofa with a sigh.
Years on, looking back, I wondered how I didnt see all the things about James that started to irritate meand sometimes outright anger meeven back then. Used to having my faithful knight at my side, I was certain Id always be the princess in the tower: if need be, rescued, cherished, looked after. But real lifes never that simple. Not every prince is the same.
First warning bells rang when I got ill, six months after the wedding. Just a bad case of tonsillitis, but I brushed it off, soldiering through for James sake. It turned into something far worse, requiring proper testssome of them private. James was outraged.
Absolutely not! Thats our holiday money! Youre young and fit, theyre just trying to fleece us!
I couldnt believe my ears.
Are you serious?
Of course!”
Jamesit felt like my throat closed up, just as it had when I was a childIs a holiday really more important than my health?
Youre fine! Stop panicking. A bit of sun and youll be right as rain. Youre just worn out. He hugged me, oblivious that for the first time, I didnt hug back.
Dad paid for the tests without a word against his son-in-lawbut I could see he took it all in.
Recovery took over a year, not complete either. I was left with some heart problems, for which doctors could only offer supportive therapy. So when I found out I was expecting, I was put straight into the high-risk group.
I know this isnt what you want to hear, but please, listen. Pregnancys a huge stress for your heart… Its coping now but theres risk for later.
No question. Ill have this baby!
Well, well do our very best then.
And we did. I spent the last three months practically living at the hospital. Oliver was born on time, healthy, but only Dad and, oddly enough, Matthew, really understood what itd cost me. That was when I really saw just how separate James world was from mine. When he heard Oliver was safely born, James celebrated so hard with his mates he disappeared for three days, phone switched off. Time and again Id ask Dad to check James was alright, before Dad, dark as thunder, would hug me and say, Hes fine, love. No need to worry.
Thats when I knew, finally and absolutely, that this wasnt my fairytale. Id never be the princess in this story. Only James reaction to our son kept me from divorcing him as soon as I was discharged.
James looked at Oliver as if he was a miracle, and, strange as it was, treated him accordingly. Hed get up with Oliver, change nappies, take him to the park, and always made time for him as he grew. Still, there were times when the noise would annoy James and hed ask me to take Oliver off his handsthen a while later, hed be the worlds best dad again. I never understood it. Love you, now move over But most of the time, the good outweighed the bad. For a while, anyway.
With me, though, James and I seemed to live parallel lives, each hardly crossing the others path.
Oliver was often ill when he was small, and I had no time to dwell on lifes oddities. I was dashing between doctors, reluctant to ask James for help because his reaction was always unpredictable. Sometimes hed be the model father, patient and attentive. Other times, a request for a lift to the surgery would spark a row. Tired of these ups and downs, I started doing things myself. Dad helped me get my licence, minding the little one while I was in lessons. Later, he bought me a cheap runaround so I could be independent of James whims.
Dad saw right through James, but kept quiet, waiting for me to speak or decide for myself. Only once, when Oliver was twoafter several days of high fevers, endless crying, and ineffective medicine, Id handed the finally sleeping child to Dad and promptly collapsed on the living room floor, asleep before I reached the sofa. When I woke, Dad said, Emily, you know I wont offer advice or nose about. But you know youre not alone, yeah?
Thanks, Dad. I do know. Im just not ready. And I dont want to talk about it yet. James is still my husband, for now.
Dad nodded silently and hugged me.
Through all this, Matthew was always nearby, almost without being asked. Picking up medicine, bringing Oliver to the GP when James was busy or unreachable, taking my car to the garagea solution for any crisis, executed promptly every time. I knew sometimes I was leaning too much on his kindness, but couldnt help myself. He was still the one person I trusted absolutely.
Today, watching snow gather in the garden, I realised Matthew would be back from his work tripand maybe, if it came to it, Id ask him for a lift to the doctor. My car had broken down again and, if anything, it was worse this time. Money was tight. James claimed every penny went into his business. What I earned barely covered essentials, since I could only work part-time between Olivers constant illnesses. Luckily, we lived in my dads flathed moved into his old cottage, preferred the quiet and fresh country air.
I checked the time and called the GP surgery. Thankfully, our doctor was back from holiday and made a house call at once.
I put the phone aside and turned to make breakfast, just as a bleary-eyed James entered the kitchen.
What now? Why were you up half the night?”
Olivers ill, I replied curtly.
So you had to be up all night for that? Oh, whatever, Im shattered anyway. Ill grab a shower, then breakfast please, Ive got a packed day.
Without a word, I set about cooking. I always made breakfast with Oliver in mind. When he was poorly, he craved what Id always called getting better food. Today, it was drop sconesknowing James liked them too meant less fuss.
So, have you spoken to your dad?
No.
Why are you dragging your feet?”
I told you, I’m not going to ask him to sign over the flat, and Im not going to beg. Thats the end of it.
Your stubbornness is driving me mad. I pay for this place, but Im just a visitor here. All you ever do is ask for money. For you or Oliver! I work myself to the bone, havent had a real holiday in a year, and still not good enough!
James carried on grumbling, but Id already tuned him out. At that moment, I felt something inside me snap. That invisible thread that once bound us togethermemories of our first meetings, kisses, the tenderness, our weddings happiest day, Olivers birthvanished. I laid down the spatula, turned to James, and quietly said,
Ill only say this once, so please listen: Today youll pack your things and move out. Were getting a divorce, James. I dont want to live like we have these last three years. And youre as fed up as I am, dont pretend otherwise. Were not going to argue about money or the flat now or ever. We owe it to Oliver to be adults about this. He needs both parents, even if we dont live together anymore.
James stared, open-mouthed. He tried to argue, then fell silent, flung his fork down, and stood up.
Thats it? Think about what youre saying! Ill be back tonightI hope youve come to your senses by then.
No, James. Ive decided. You know what that means.
Yeah, it means youve lost your mind. Whos going to want you now? You and a kidgood luck! Ill be at my parents. Let me know when youve calmed down.
If you say so. I turned my back to the stove, blinking away tears.
James stormed out and soon after, I heard the front door slam. I slumped into a chair and let myself sob, making the most of the quiet while Oliver slept. When I heard his little feet pattering towards the kitchen, I quickly wiped my eyes and served him his plate.
Well, to the worlds best recovering boy! Ready for breakfast?”
Im not that hungry, Dad. Now my head hurts, too.
Maybe drop scones will help with that?
Yes! Oliver grinned cheekily. With jam!
Always!
After the doctor left, prescribing plenty of rest and a course of antibiotics, I was about to ring Dad for help picking up the prescription when there was a knock at the door. Only Matthew ever knockednever used the bell for some reason. Our special code.
Alright!
Hi! How are things? Matthew held a box with a toy carfunny how I couldnt recall the last time James bought Oliver anything. Every birthday or holiday, I took care of the gifts. But Matthew, every time, came with something for the boy.
Olivers sick again. Would you mind staying with him while I pop to Boots?
No trouble. Actually, why dont I go? Got a list?
I rifled through my bag and handed over the piece of paper.
The second he left, my phone rang.
Mr. Green?
Yes, this is Emily Green.
This is Maidstone hospital. Im afraid your fathers been admitted.
Whats happened? My fingers gripped the phone so hard my hand hurt.
Hes had a heart attack. Hes stable but his condition is serious.
Im coming.
Panic. I barely knew where to start. Dad had never complained of heart problems. Suddenly, it struck me how easily you could lose the most precious person in your life in an instant.
Almost by instinct, I rang James.
James
What? Changed your mind, have you? Now you expect me
James, Dads in hospital. Heart attack.
And? So what do you expect me to do? Didnt you just tell me you want a divorce?
I stared at my phone, stunned, then hung up.
Matthew was back from the chemist in no time, finding me fully dressed in the hallway.
Where are you off to?
Hospital. Dads had a heart attack.
No more needed saying. Matthew dashed back for his mum, and Mrs. Jenkins stayed to watch Oliver while Matthew drove me to the hospital.
We spent hours in the waiting room, silent companions in worry. Eventually, I turned to Matthew and whispered, Thank you I dont know what Id do without you.
Ill always be there for you
I know, Matthew. I know everything now.
The doctor finally came out and smiled, seeing me dozing with my head on Matthews shoulder. He gently woke me up.
Weve got your father settled in a room. Its going to be a long road to recovery, but the crisis has passed. Go home, get some rest. Check with the nurses for visiting hoursyoull see him tomorrow.
I hugged Matthew tight, tears streaming down my face, feeling all the pain and fear of these past few years finally start to ease.
That night, I sat by Oliver’s bedside, listening to his gentle breathing, and reflected. Sometimes you have to let go of the illusions to see whos truly with you. And I learnt, with great certainty, that you cant build happiness where theres no trust or warmthbut you can always find strength in real friendship and the people who love you, even when it isnt always obvious.
