Looking for a woman with no financial problems: I went on a date with a man who, at 45, still lives with his mother… and its changed me forever.
Have you ever stopped to consider just how much a single line in an online dating profile can give away about a person? Not the photo posing by someone elses Jaguar, nor the exhaustive wish lists worthy of their own legislation, but a simple sentence seemingly tossed in as an afterthought, yet possibly the most revealing insight youll ever get.
Looking for a woman with no financial problems.
That was the line that caught my eye one lazy Saturday night as I idly flicked through profiles. The photo? A thoroughly average bloke: tidy build, soft gaze, clean shirt. Lets call him Nigel, age forty-five.
Normally Id scroll right past such proclamations. In female speak, that line tends to mean: I wont be paying for anything and frankly I hope youll foot the bill for us both. Still, that evening curiosity got the better of me. What, I wondered, drives a man who appears well, unremarkably average, to call for financial independence but not for himself?
Curiosity doesnt always end well, but this time it gave me more material for reflection than I bargained for. We agreed to meet.
First impressions: a sterile politeness and underlying nervousness
Nigel suggested we meet at the park. A classic choice for those wanting to avoid splashing out on overpriced coffee for a first date. I didnt mind I quite enjoy walking, and the weather, for once, was brisk but bright.
He arrived. Bang on the dot; not a second early or late. Initially, I saw this as a positive, but later I sensed it was less the confidence of a grown man and more the strict punctuality drilled in since schooldays. He stood by the entrance, ramrod straight, in sharply pressed trousers so starched they looked like you could slice bread with the crease.
Good afternoon, he said, giving my coat and handbag a critical once over. Was he checking whether I sported anything designer? Perhaps hunting for those elusive financial problems.
We walked along the pathway and for ten minutes, exchanged the standard British pleasantries: the weather, potholes, the general exhaustion that is London living. Nigels speech was correct, even slightly bookish, but there was a tense edge to his delivery as if he was after approval or already rehearsing his defence.
A job interview for convenient woman
Once the formalities were over, Nigel got right to business. Not delicately, but straight in as if hed opened up my CV.
So, what do you do for work?
Im a head accountant at a logistics firm.
Oh, thats solid. Reliable. Do you own your house, or is it a mortgage?
I nearly tripped. Normally those kinds of questions come out after a glass or two of wine, not in the fifteenth minute of a stroll.
Mine, I lied, inwardly deciding to see just where he was going with this.
Splendid, he seemed visibly relieved. You know, these days a lot of women are only after a man to fix their finances: loans, arrears, mortgages. But I think relationships should be between equals.
Logical on the surface, sure whos against partnership? But as always, the devil is in the detail.
And you? I asked. Do you live alone?
Thats when Nigel dropped the line that ought to have signalled the end. Instead, I decided to watch this awkward social experiment through to the finish.
I live with my mum. Its sensible. Whats the point of paying rent with a perfectly good three-bed flat at hand? And mum struggles to manage on her own age, blood pressure and all.
Forty-five. Living with mum.
How do you split the housework? I pressed, as gently as possible.
Oh, mums very old-fashioned, he smiled at the (absent) woman in a way hed not yet smiled at me. She sees the kitchen as her domain cooks wonderfully. I chip in: take the bins out, pop to the shops with her list. Weve worked out a system.
With her list, I noted silently.
Mothers boy economics
We reached a coffee cart. I paused; so did Nigel.
Would you like a coffee? he asked, as if Id proposed something wildly extravagant.
I said yes a cappuccino.
Theyre dear here, arent they? He eyed the prices. Ive a cracking coffee machine at home, usually bring a flask, but forgot today. Oh well shall I get you a small one?
He bought me the smallest cappuccino, nothing for himself.
I had coffee at home, he mumbled.
From there, Nigel explained his philosophy. His idea of a woman without problems was not just someone employed, but someone completely self-reliant so long as she fitted smoothly into his well-oiled domestic routine.
I dont get why women are so fixated on money, he said. My ex was always keen: Lets move out, go on holiday, get a new car. But why? My car runs fine, weve a flat, mum and I live modestly, but always with a rainy-day fund.
What does your mum think about you marrying? I asked him, point blank.
Oh, shed be thrilled. Always says: Nigel, bring home a nice housekeeper, its getting harder for me to mop the floor.
At this, everything slotted into place.
He didnt want a partner. He and his mum needed a replacement.
His mum cant maintain the role of caretaker for her forty-five year old boy much longer. The soups, the shirts, the floors its all getting too much. They need someone to take over. Ideally someone financially stable, so theres no risk to the household budget.
Command from Mission Control
Nigel was midway through a lecture on electric saving tips when his phone rang. He startled.
Yes, mum? His voice was suddenly soft, almost childlike. Yes, Im out walking. Yes, with the lady. No, Im warm enough. Scarfs on. Chops? Coming. In an hour? All right. Butter country brand got it.
He hung up, gave an apologetic grin.
Mum worries. Wants me home for tea.
It was five oclock.
Nigel, I said, stopping in my tracks, Have you ever thought that a woman with no financial problems might want an independent life? Her own space apart from your mum. To travel, go out for dinner, you know?
He looked genuinely puzzled.
But why would she want to live separately when weve a flat? Thats wasteful. Anyway, restaurant foods unhealthy. A woman should value a good home.
Whos really in charge here?
I left politely and made my way home, deep in thought.
Men like Nigel seem, at first, quietly frugal or just loyal sons. But the truth goes deeper. Nigel doesnt run his life he lives by his mums rules, and has absorbed them as his own.
Looking for a woman with no financial problems, loosely translated, means: Looking for a woman who wont upset my mum.
A woman with a mortgage will need support. A mum with kids requires attention. An ambitious woman would drag him out of his rut. None of that appeals.
Why its a trap
The irony? Its often strong, independent women who fall for men like Nigel. Were used to carrying our own burdens and think: Hes normal, doesnt drink, not a sponger.
But everything for the family here means everything for mum. Youll never be the priority. Youll be allowed access to the Son, provided you dont interfere or ask after the household budget.
Youll earn, spend your own money, and still get told youre ironing his shirts the wrong way.
I deleted Nigels profile. Actually, I blocked it so I wouldnt see him again.
Have you ever met a Nigel? Do you think men like him stand any chance of a proper family life, or is it all preordained? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
