Complicated Happiness
What do you mean, getting divorced? Dennis, youre joking, right?
Olivia stared at her husband, thoroughly baffled. Divorce? After nearly twenty-five years together? Their anniversary was in two weeks! They were meant to celebrate…or perhaps not anymore? Her thoughts tangled up hopelessly. What about the party? The guests? Invitations had already gone out. The entire family was set to descend. Friends had burned through her mobile, hounding her with What shall we get you as a gift? Some, like her best mate Julia, had posted presents already. Shame she couldnt make ittoo pregnant to fly halfway across the country, never mind the Channel. Julia had played a major part in creating their happily ever after, really. Shed introduced Olivia to Dennis back during university, shouted Kiss, kiss, the newlyweds! the loudest at their wedding, defending herself from Olivias withering stare with a bridal bouquetone Olivia never even bothered to throw, simply handed it over to her friend instead.
I dont get why your Nick is dragging his feet. Hed be a fool to miss out on you!
Hell come round, Julia replied, fussing with Olivias updo. All in good time, Liv. Hes just not ripe yet. And who wants a half-baked husband? A few years in, youre worn out and then its property settlements, fights over the kids and the dog, dividing up relatives, and in the end, they all adore me anyway. No, Ill wait for harvest.
Two years, Julia! You plan way too far ahead! Olivia laughed, watching her friend touch up her lipstick with furious efficiency.
I dont do things half-heartedly. Go big or stay home, I say!
And children? All at once, then? Not just one?
Damn right! Twins, preferably. Get it over and done withfull set, please. Theres twins in the family on both sides, you know.
But then you still have to raise the whole set.
Easier than just one, Julia said with aplomb.
Why on earth?
Simple. Sibling competition, nicely organic. Built-in playmate. And, I get Mum of the Year for wrangling two at once. Want more reasons?
No thanks! Olivia snorted but suspected Julia would always get her way.
And so it happenedbut the fates had a wicked sense of humour, and instead of twins, Julia got triplets. The heavens mustve felt like upping the stakes, just to see how shed handle it.
Julia sailed through splendidly. By then, her in-laws had grown to adore her. Never one for boot-licking, Julia managed everyone with calm and kindness, turning up in a crisis, mostly by convincing her husband to sort his mothers new chest of drawers when she fancied fried mushrooms for supper in return.
So when the babies arrived, two grannies and a grandad (Julias dad long gone) were queuing up to help. The triplets were a bit poorly at first, but Julia nursed them through, then breezed into further education.
Jules, youve lost it! When will you sleep? Olivia gawped.
Whos going to give a low mark to a mum of three? I wont go soft in the brain. Ill be a generalisteconomist, lawyer, jack of all trades. Why not?
Julia got her degree, then a solid jobinsisting the salary would just about cover a nanny.
But Jules, youll barely make ends meet! What about you?
First, no need for a nannygrannies are winning gold here, but the boss doesnt need to know. Secondly, I need work experience! Otherwise, what use am I in the market? Let me slog for peanuts a few years, and then Ill choose my terms. Experience over a fancy piece of paper.
Olivia marveledhow did Julia manage it all and still look fabulous? Olivia herself struggled to pick between navy or red tights for nursery, let alone manage a household and career.
But you, Liv, when you do make a decision, its spot on. Me, Im all over the shop. Julia always cheered her up. Youre a classic English stalwart. Most reliable sort there is.
Reliable, ha! Dennis had certainly appreciated that. Or not. How could he just up and leave? The only real bone of contention had always been not having children but theyd made peace with that long ago; if it wasnt to be, it wasnt to be. Olivia had volunteered at orphanages, but realised she simply couldnt bring herself to adopt. Not for lack of money or effort, but she worried shed never truly love a child that wasnt biologically hersnot as they deserved.
You just havent met your child yet, the orphanage head, Mrs White, had told her, while watching the volunteers herd kids around a tinsel-laden Christmas tree. When you see your child, youll know. You wont be able to stop yourself.
And if I never see them? Maybe Im simply not meant to be a mother, Olivia replied, setting out the donated gifts.
Then youre not. Better to admit that than try, fail, and break two lives in the process. Ive seen enough. See that little boy, Michael? Hes been given back twice.
Oh, lord, why?
First time, they adopted then had a biological childcommon, unfortunately. Second, they didnt have the strengthalready had two, adopted two more. Michael was the straw. Love ran out. He withered away, begged to be taken back, said he wasn’t loved. Mrs Whites matter-of-fact sadness hit like a punch to the gut.
Olivia almost filled out adoption papers then and there, but Julia reeled her back: Are you sure youve got enough love? If not, dont do it for pitys sake. Try spending time with one of mine before you leap. You might not like being a mum after all.
Olivia turned her down. She never went back to the orphanage, but couldnt forget Michaelhe became her cautionary beacon, a reminder never to put someone through pain just to soothe her own soul.
Olivia wrapped her arms around herself. Why was it so cold? Autumn only, and the heating was on! Should she help Dennis pack? Jumpers? Englands summers lasted about six minutes. Nothing like her mums in Devon, where winter was a rumour and a light jacket would do all year. She suddenly longed to flee to the moors with her mumjust the two of them, just for a while. But Mum was gone. And now, Dennis too…
No, she didn’t want freedom. She just wanted Denniscoffee together at sunrise, or at three a.m., conversations until dawn, surprise theatre trips, walks in the countryside. Theyd never been any good at planningalways spontaneous, the best times the most unexpected. Dennis might call midday:
Liv, what are you up to?
Busytwo interviews and a trip to the bank.
Fancy ditching all that? Want a wander?
And shed go, and it would be bliss.
But now? That bliss was the pasther past. Dennis would have a different future, with his new lady, who was expecting. Was that itthe whole reason? Or had their marriage always been half-true from the start? She could just about stomach the first, but not the second. Did it mean she was a complete failure? Twenty-five years and not enough to make him stay?
Standing in the kitchen, hugging her knees to the hot radiator, she tried and failed to move. She heard Dennis rummaging through drawers, doors slamming. She shook so hard the pot plant Julia had sent her teetered on the edge of the sill. When he finally left, the front door banging, Olivia clenched her fists, then swept the plant off and screamed.
It didnt help. The burst of soil and pottery shards across the kitchen floor snapped her out of her daze. Black as pitch, that was her world nowno light, not anymore. Hed left and with him, all colour.
Except for one anchor…
Dragging herself across the shards, not caring about the fresh cut on her foot, she reached her phone.
Juuuules…
It wasnt tears so much as a raw, animal moan.
Dennis gone?
Yes
Right. Ill see you tomorrow, said Julia, as brisk as an NHS nurse.
Youre mad! Pregnant and travelling? Over my dead body! WaitJulia You knew?!
Suspected. Last time you visited, Dennis couldnt meet my eye. It all clicked today. Livhonestly, this is for the best.
The best? Julia, Ive lost everything! My lifes gone to the dogswhat am I meant to do now?
Buy yourself a dress.
What?
You heard. That one you wanted but were too tight to fork out for. Go buy it. Show me. Dont sit mopingnothing will change by howling. Dress, then train or plane. Well walk in the moors, easy trails, hotel, proper bed. I need it toolosing my mind here. Feds got rugby, the twins are off to campIm all yours. Flight details within the hour, please; dont make a pregnant woman fret!
Julia hung up. Olivia stared at her phone in confusion. What now?
But the answer came unpromptedlooking in the mirror, she saw every single year in her face. No longer a girl, but not an old biddy either. Time for a wake. If Dennis imagined shed curl up and disappearhed be disappointed. Julia was right! Absolutely right!
Running her hands through her hair, she swept away tears and got moving. Within minutes, shed cancelled the party, the restaurant, called off everything.
Next, the kitchen needed a proper going-over. She grabbed the broom, ignoring the fact she owned two hoovers, and cleaned up the mess.
The dress fit like a dreambright, red, so unlike anything shed worn lately, colours reserved for Julia. Olivia had always been the type to stand on the sidelines, but suddenly, she felt the urge to be seen. Why not? Maybe she wasnt so unremarkable after all.
No, the woman in the glass was weary, heartbroken, but not beaten. There was still something left. No one could take that away. If only she could get angry enough to wash everything else out. Maybe she did understand why Dennis lefttheyd turned into old friends rather than lovers. And its always harder to betray a friend.
Her journey to see Julia took an awkward flight and a change, but that suited Olivia. Something else to distract her.
The trip did her good. She and Julia tramped up and down moorland trails, talking, silent, arguing, sorting life back into order. Julia was so good at framing problems, the pasts drama shrunk, little things took priority, and suddenly she could see a path forward.
Come back here. Whats left for you in London? Plenty of kids need support in these parts. Dads not wellyou can be near him, buy a flat, or move in. Think it over.
Olivia did. And by the end of her impromptu holiday, shed decided. Yes, this was better.
The divorce, sale of the flat and car, appointments with lawyersstuff shed poured her all into, now just paperwork and memory. She saw Dennis a couple of times, teeth clenched, but got through it, then deleted his contact and told herself: enough.
Devon welcomed her with blossom and sunshine. She could breathe. She bought her own place near her father. Why clash with Dads new companion? A lovely, smiling woman, who greeted Olivia at the door with a warmth that left no room for rivalry. Olivia had loved her Mum deeply, but she welcomed Love-Val, as everyone called her. Dad was happier with someone to nag him about the lawn instead of moping about the kitchen.
I say, Oliviadont you think your dads still got it? Love-Vals fond gaze toward her father left little doubtlove still lived, even if it arrived late. If her dad could find someone right at the tail-end of life, perhaps Olivias match was still somewhere out there.
A year went by in a flash. Two childrens centres, new haircut, new style, even a spaniel called Henry (because, why not?), but sometimes heartbreak clung stubbornly, especially at night. Olivia would sit in her dark kitchen, even ready to trade the world just to hear Dennis call, switch the light on, and ask, Everything all right? Fancy a cuppa? Tell me everything.
She knew it was foolishmoving on meant moving on, but something always held part of her heart back.
Funnily enough, when an annoying tax issue called her back to London a year and a half later, she was almost glad. Busywork, distraction!
She dealt with HMRC in a day and had hours to kill. She wandered her old neighbourhood, half-looking for ghosts, half-looking for closure.
One centre had closed, the other was doing well. Olivia stood watching through the window as children hunched over paint pots, the teacher roaring like a bear while the kids shrieked. Good bloke. The main thing was, he made it fun. That was all that mattered.
She wandered past their old block of flats, the park where shed imagined walking with her children. She hadnt planned on stopping, but her feet carried her down the familiar path past the newly done benches and fountain.
A man was sat on a bench by the fountain, rocking a buggy. The way he slouched was all too familiar. On the third look, she recognised Dennis. He seemed shrunken, smaller somehow, as though trying to disappear.
She hurried up, not sure if shed flee or say something after all.
Dennis
He jumped, ducked his head, but managed a muffled, Hello, Liv.
She dropped onto the bench beside him. Hows life?
A daft question, she realised immediately, but she sat stubbornly, watching as Dennis stilled the buggy and looked her in the eye for the first time in years.
Awful, Liv.
Why?
He sighed, looking as lost as shed ever seen him. Because Im alone. Because Im a fool and lost everything that mattered on a fluke.
Youve got more than I have, she lied, glancing at the buggy. Boy or girl?
Daughter. Eve.
Young wife, babywhat else could you want?
No wife now. Millys gone. Complications.
Olivia gasped, but rather than bitterness, she felt a sharp sadness for the poor girl whose Christmas party opportunism had ended so cruelly. Dennis, always careful not to drink, had slipped that night. The rest was, as they say, history. Now, he was alone, rocking his daughter, trying not to wake her with their pain.
They fell silent for a long time, then began talkingawkward, overlapping, years to catch up on. Eventually, little Eve woke to gaze at the park lanterns flicking on above stars in the suddenly darkening sky.
Olivia rose to peek at Eves face, and for a moment, the orphanage matrons words came back: When you see your child, youll just know.
Half a year later, Mrs White led in a serious, dark-haired boy.
Michael, do you know why Im here?
For me.
And do you want to live with me?
He shrugged. Doubt you will.
He looked her up and down, eyes dull and too-old. When Olivia took out photos, the brief hope in his gaze died.
That your husband?
Yes.
And this your daughter?
No, not mine.
He perked up, and this time, Olivia didnt let him retreat.
Shes not my daughter, but Ill be her mum. Ill be yours too, if you want.
Youll send me back. Everyone does.
Im not everyone. Dyou know why?
He shook his head.
Because I know what its like to lose everything and feel unloved. It hurts like hell.
I know.
Do you know what a mum is, Michael?
No.
Shes someone who never lets her child be hurt like that.
Dyou just pity me?
Olivia studied him and slowly shook her head. No. I want to love you. I want you to be happy. And I want Eve to have a big brotherstrong, brave, who wont let anyone hurt her. Think we can?
Michael was silent for so long she thought hed never answer. He reached to touch the sleeve of her red dress, as if making sure itand shewere real.
You like it?
I do.
So do I. Bought it on a really rough day. It made me feel better. Now its my favourite.
He nodded at last, and Olivia could finally breathe again.
A few years later, up a moorland trail, a family clambered in single file: a dark, wiry boy minding his energetic sister, who darted off at the faintest sound.
Eve, there are wolves in these woods!
No, there arent!
Yes, and bears, massive ones, always hungry.
Mum never fed them porridge?
No, their mum never learned.
Ours did.
But can you cook it properly? Eve challenged as Olivia, puffing, caught up.
You cant make porridge right, Mum! Bears hate lumps!
Oh, cheeky! Maybe the bears like it with lumps! Olivia scooped her giggling daughter up.
Give them mine, tomorrow! And the honey you and Michael bought.
No, thats for me.
You want to walk, or ride piggyback forever?
Piggyback!
Dennis, your turn! And Dennis swung Eve up as Olivia ruffled Michaels hair. Well, Michael, what about porridge for the bears?
Mum, Im not ready to go home. We havent even fed the wildlife. If Eve starts, well never leave the hotel.
Olivia laughed. Later, Eve. Ill learn proper porridge-making, just for the bears.
Deal! Eve agreed so quickly that Michael rolled his eyes at his mother.
Oh dear, Olivia grinned. Better keep an eye on these two. Knowing Eve, well be adopting the entire forest before the weeks out. Hungry or not, everyone needs love.
Their laughter echoed across the wild English moor, the day ahead bright and full of promise.
