When Pain Speaks
Emily, my darling, I know how you feel, but we really have no choice. We must do it. We’ll have to sell the house. After its sold and the money is divided, there will only be enough left for a small flat in a different neighbourhood. Honestly, Id love for us to stay here too, but its simply impossible. Alice clasped her daughters hands, wiping away the tears from both their cheeks.
Change had never come easily to us.
Alice and her husband, William, had lived side by side for nearly seventeen years. There had been quarrels, naturally, but they loved each other fiercely, and any argument faded before it truly began. Alice, raised by her grandmother, had long since absorbed the wisdom the old dear sought to impart about family life: Home must be a haven! Make it so that your husband never yearns for another corner of the world to be understood and comforted, to feel belonging, happiness, and peace. Your home should be good for allyour husband, your children, friends, even pets. No exceptions!
Alice nodded, understanding little at first, only sensing her grandmother wanted to pass on the story of her life. Her family, her home, had always been like thatuntil tragedy struck. Her grandfather died whilst saving their son and daughter-in-law from drowning in the local brook by the cottage. A narrow stream, innocent in appearance, yet fraught with hidden currents and swirls known only to locals, who avoided bathing in untested waters. Mary never forgave herself for not asking, for not learning from the neighbours in time. Time and again, Alice told her that she wasnt to blame, but Gran would not listen.
Taking her granddaughter in hand, Mary put her own grief aside, understanding that what the child needed was life and joy, not endless mourning. Only on rare days each year, visiting her loved ones in the graveyard, did she let her feelings flow, pouring out all the sorrow built up in the months in between. Each time, she promised to do everything to make Alice happy.
Indeed, Mary gave her granddaughter a warm, beautiful home and saw to a fine education, gave her away at the altar, and even lived long enough to cradle her great-grandchild before illness finally called her home to those shed loved and lost. Alice was left entirely alone; she had no other family.
Over time, she understood that Gran had been right about home and familywell, almost right. She realised it did need to be a haven, but that there were exceptions…
Alice and William seldom had real reasons to quarrel, and if they did, it tended toward one very particular sourceher mother-in-law.
Margaret, Williams mother, was the sort of woman people referred to as Motheralways with a capital M. She believed her opinion to be irrefutably correct, a law unto itself.
William didnt come easily to her; he was her sixth and only surviving child. All the affection of which she was capable she heaped upon him, her one and only.
He loved his mother, and perhaps for that very reason could never truly stand up to her, though he tried, as did his father. The men of the house developed a methodlisten, nod, and then carry on doing as they saw fit.
When William first courted Alice, he delayed meeting his parents for as long as possible, dreading the outcome he knew was coming. Hed met Alices grandmother within days, but never explained his reasoning until Alice, with no little wounded pride, confronted him:
Are you ashamed of me? Am I not fit to meet your parents? William, what do we even have, then? You tell my grandmother Im your whole world, talking about weddings and the future, yet Ive never even met your family!
He sighed and, kissing her hand, admitted, Im just scared what if you turn away from me?
Silly! Im marrying *you*, not your family!
Oh, if only she had known then!
At their first meeting, Margaret surveyed her sharply, then asked, My dear girl, what did your parents do?
Mum lectured at the medical college, and Dad was a doctor, but I scarcely remember them. They died when I was five. My grandmother raised me.
I see, said Margaret, and not another word was spoken to Alice that evening.
After a few years with William, Alice adopted the mens approachsmile and nod in Margarets presencebut it proved of little use. She could see the strain it placed on her husband as he tried to maintain the peace, and she wore herself out time and time again, smoothing ruffled feathers, only to resort eventually to asking William to limit visits with his parents to the barest minimum. William only sighed, pulled her into a tired hug, and whispered, Forgive me.
Everything grew worse after Williams father passed, cancer having taken him in a matter of weeks. Margaret made it clear to William, in no uncertain terms, that he was now responsible for her. He needed no reminder. After work, William would call at his mothers, only returning home around midnight. This might have gone on indefinitely if their three-year-old, Emily, hadnt rebelled. She started refusing her fathers attention, making her hurt clear.
She misses you, Will. She barely sees you now, only at weekends, Alice explained, recognising how tired he was but knowing they must act before Emilys connection to her father was truly lost.
Alices patience wore thin. For it had been over a yearthe fact was, Margaret was perfectly well. She still worked, and lived a rather lively social life, dragging her son to the theatre and exhibitions, apparently quite fit. While Alice could swallow her own lonely evenings, she found it impossible to forgive the time taken from Emily.
We have to do something about it, Will. Youre needednot just by your mother, but by us. I need you, she whispered, resting her head against him.
The row that followed was legendary. But William won the right to see his mother only twice a week. After a while, Margaret appeared to accept it, or at least pretended to.
One day at nursery, Emily and her friends were set the task of drawing their familiesas if from a fairy-tale. The children ran out of time, so the teacher suggested they finish at home. After supper, Emily took to her desk, tongue sticking out in concentration, and spent an hour on her artwork. When Alicehaving finished washing up and sorting the laundryglanced in her sketchbook, she gasped and called Will.
Will, you must see thistheres trouble coming!
He took one look at the drawing and collapsed on the sofa, doubled up with laughter. Emily, wounded, could not understand why her parents howled for minutes on end.
I tried so hard! And you just
She reviewed her art, perplexed, unable to understand the joke. She had drawn her father as St. George, her mother a princess, Granddad as an ent, Great-gran as an apple tree with golden apples, and her grandmother well, wasnt her three-headed dragon handsome? The fire hadnt gone quite right as her yellow crayon snapped at the crucial moment.
Emily never liked Granny Margaret. When she visitedrarely, only on holidaysEmily wanted nothing more than to bar the door behind her. She didnt really grasp what flurried between the adults, but with that infallible intuition of childhood, knew her grandmother didnt care for her mother and always tried to wound her. She didnt shout or insult, but her words, smooth as they seemed, made Mum miserable; Alice always wept after Margarets visits. Once, Emily had even tried to push her out, and only her father sweeping her into his arms stopped her.
Your daughter is completely undisciplined, William! Though, what else could one expect? Margaret was scandalised.
After that, Margaret appeared even less, and William decided it was for the best. Now, instead, theyd occasionally call upon his mother, but Emily tried her best to avoid these outings. Each year she understood the old woman better. Her inflexibility suffocated Emily. Only after losing William did she truly see through her grandmother.
Williams end came suddenly; his office mates hadnt even realised what was happening until it was too late. A heart attack, gone in a momentonly forty-four
When Alice heard, she was at work, managing the local jewellers. She dropped the phone, fainted, and fell against the glass display, shattering it, terrifying her young salesgirls beyond reason. They fetched an ambulance, closed the shop, and for nearly half an hour quietly plucked shards from Alices hair, pouring valerian into her trembling hands.
The world stopped for Alice. She seemed frozen, unable to think or do anything. Williams friends managed funeral arrangements, caring for the shell of a widow she had become. She remembered only that Emily was fed, the house tidy, and gentle hands always found her to press a cup of tea into her hands, swapping cold ones for fresh as required.
A fortnight after Williams funeral, Alice dreamed.
Gran! she cried, running to embrace Mary. But her grandmother frowned and would not allow it.
What do you think youre doing?
What do you mean, Gran?
Wheres Emily?
In bed, I imagine
Come! Gran beckoned, not letting Alice touch her. They entered Emilys room.
Sleeping, you say? Emily lay, head under the covers, crying.
Wake up, Alice!
Startling, Alice opened her eyes. For a moment, she thought she was still dreaming, for the soft sound of her daughters sobs had not left the air. Only after another minute, truly awake, did she realise it was real. She rushed to Emilys room.
“Its all right, darling. Dont cry! Im here. Ill always be here,” Alice whispered as she climbed in beside her daughter.
Thank you, Gran How could I have forgotten? You never abandoned me. Im all right now. Ill make it right
At dawn, she rose quietly, letting her daughter sleep, and went downstairs. Emily awoke to the familiar scent of her mothers pancakes and vanilla winding its way even to her room. Swaddled in a blanket, Emily padded into the kitchen.
Mum?
Good morning! Alice turned to her, not wearing the black armband shed not removed in weeks. Wash up and well have our breakfast, then Ill drive you to school.
Is it really time?
Alice turned down the gas and hugged Emily tight.
Its time, love. Your father wouldnt want us sulking in the corners all day, crying forever. He dreamed of you being happy, of a life full of sunshine. He loved you so much… and me too. So, if he wished it, so it shall be. Off you go or Ill be late for work as well. We both have a day ahead of us
So, gently, they began to stitch a new life. Alice resumed working, Emily went to school. Now, she determined that she would help out at home and, each night, her mother would arrive to find the chores done or a simple supper made.
Months later, Emily received her passport, and they quietly celebrated over cake.
Look, Dad, Im quite grown up now! Emily waved her passport before her fathers portrait in the lounge. Youd have tugged my ponytail and said I was still little
Alice just hugged her tight and said nothing.
A week later, on an evening like any other, Margaret arrived.
Good evening, Alice. We need to talk.
They hadnt seen each other since Williams funeral, when, standing beside her grieving daughter-in-law, Margaret whispered, This is your fault. If it hadnt been for you, hed still be alive! Take, take, takeyou drained him dry. Thats why hes gone… Your fault!
Williams friend, Charles, seeing Alices stricken face, led her away.
Dont listen! Alice, look at medont let her words take hold. Its nothing but fate. Whats meant to be, will be. William loved you both more than life.
Alice sobbed against Charles as he helped her down to a bench near the village church, where Williams service was held.
Now Margaret sat across Alice at the kitchen table, the fire gone from her eyes, simply a tired, broken woman. Alice noted her sunken face and trembling hands.
Would you like some tea?
No. I came to discuss what were going to do with the house.
Alice almost laughed in disbelief.
Meaning?
She and William had poured years into that house. Alice, heavily pregnant at the time, had fussed over the workmen, making sure everything was right. William had teased her about the curtains but watched in satisfaction as she put her soul into their nest.
Now, only foggily, she understood Margaret was saying she could no longer stay.
I wont have it! Margaret finally controlled the trembling in her hands. You must sell this house. I want my share of the inheritance.
Inheritance? What inheritance?
The share due me by law. And youll hand me every penny owed.
Neither noticed Emily in the doorway.
Get out! Emily stood on the kitchen threshold, small fists clenched.
What? Margaret turned in surprise. What did you say?
I said get out! And dont come back.
How dare you speak to me like that? I always knew youd turn out badly raised
In that, I take after Dad! Emilys voice rang across the house.
No more like your mother…
Dont you dare! Never speak about my mum like that again! You think Im a child, that I dont understand? Well, I do. Now leave, and well make sure never to see you again!
In her distress, Emily addressed her grandmother as an adult, not a child.
Alice led her daughter away, kissing her gently.
Thank you, dear, but go on to your room now, Ill handle this.
Emily left and Alice, steadying herself, returned to the kitchen.
What was that about? Youve turned her against me so cruelly
I did nothing of the sort. You did that all by yourself.
Margaret seemed about to argue, but Alice cut across her, for the first time using a firm and final voice.
Thats enough! Emilys right. Youre not welcome here. Ill speak to a solicitor and youll get whats owed, and then we part ways.
Dont count on it! snapped Margaret.
Im not counting on anything. But Ill do it. Honestly, I pity you, Alice said softly, seeing only a woman tired out by herself. Youll be completely alone.
Thats none of your concern! shrieked Margaret, snatched up her bag and stormed out.
Emily, hearing the front door slam, came into the kitchen, finding her mother weeping at the table.
Mum?
Yes, love? Alice wiped her eyes and smiled at Emily.
Is it true? Do we really have to move?
I dont know yet. Well see. But how are you home already? You had two more lessons and didn’t ask me to fetch you.
Maths was cancelled, and Maxs mum gave me a lift. No point calling you, really
And so, conversation returned to the ordinary, thawing the wintry chill Margarets visit had left behind.
Mum, why do people hate each other? Why are they angry?
There they were, mother and daughter curled on the sofa, the telly on but unwatched, sharing words instead of staring at a screen.
Many reasons, love. Are you thinking about Granny?
Yes. Why does she dislike us?
With me, its simple. She never approved of me, nor would she. She thought I came to take away her son.
Did you?
No, never. I just wanted us to be a family. To give, not to take. I wanted you. Youd think a parent would be glad of grandchildren.
What about me? She didnt want me, either
Not quite. She was happy when you arrived. Wait Alice left for a moment, returning with an embroidered cap and crocheted blanket. These were from your granny.
Emily turned the little cap over, stroking the stitches. It must have taken ages and the blanketcrochet? I still havent learned that.
Yes, look how fine it is You dont make something so lovely unless you care. Especially not for a baby. She made these because she expected you and wanted you.
Emily sat quietly.
Why is she the way she is now?
I dont know, Emily. Perhaps its from grief, from loneliness. Grief can turn a person dark, make them see only hurt around them. Dont be angry with your granny. This pain Sometimes, its pain thats speaking for her. Better to be kind, even from afar. We have each othershes alone.
Emily fidgeted with the blanket.
The next day, Alice rang Charles for help finding a solicitor. Once she understood her position, she saw there was no solution but to sell up. The last of her savings had gone into building the house.
That evening, Alice began looking for small flats.
But Emily had her own ideas. The next morning, pretending to go to school, she travelled instead to her grandmothers house.
What are you doing here? Margaret demanded.
Emily silently held out the little cap and blanket.
Whats this? Margarets voice, though soft, shook.
They’re beautiful, and I know you made them for me.
Come in
That evening, Emily came to Alice, who was scrolling through property listings, and hugged her.
Mum!
Yes, love? Alice replied distractedly.
We dont have to move.
Alice looked up in astonishment. What?
I said, we dont have to move. Ive spoken to Granny.
Alice stared. What did you do?
I went to see her. Shes agreed to give up her share.
I dont understand
I told her I didnt want her to be alone. I gave her a choiceshe could take her share, and Id cut her out of my life completely, or she could let us keep our home and we could try to have a relationship.
And what did she say?
Emily placed a bundle before her mother.
Alice unwrapped it and gasped. Its beautiful!
Yes! Im wearing it for my leaving do! By then it should fit just right.
The dress, a full-length lace marvel, looked as if it had been spun from snowflakesintricate needle lace.
Emily, do you know how much work this is?
I do, Mum I understand. Shes hurtgrieving. She misses Dad. She cried, Mum
Did she? Margaret cried?
Yes
Alice was left speechless. They sat in silence until the phone, left on charge in the lounge, rang.
Hello, Margaret.
Hello. Emily told you about our talk?
She just did.
Then you know I shant contest the house?
Yes, thank you. And for the dress it really is stunning! You have golden hands!
Dont exaggerate! Tomorrow at one, with the solicitor. Ill send the address. Ill sign away the inheritance. And Alice
Yes?
Emily is a wonderfully well-raised child.
Alice set down the phone and sat awhile. Then she returned and held her daughter as tight as she could.
