The Subjunctive Mood
“A proposal? Hes proposed to you? Julie, have you gone completely mad? What is there to think about?!”
“Its complicated, Olive”
“Oh, dont be daft!” Olive shrugged off her coat and plopped herself down at the little table. “Phew! I was legging it here, you know! Ive only got half an hour before I have to zip Matilda off to dance, then drop Louis at football.”
“Olive, hell be six soon. How much longer are you going to call him Louis-boy?”
“He ought to count himself lucky! Youd never believe it he stomps in from nursery yesterday and declares hes in love! With Lisa down on the first floor! Says hes going to marry her. Can you imagine?”
“And? Sounds like your son, to be honest. Remember what you were like?”
“Dont you compare me to him! Remember the fit Mum threw when I said I was getting married? Ha!” Olive laughed, the sound bubbling up. “How old was I then? Fifteen?”
“Fourteen! And you nearly gave Mum a heart attack! Mummy, it’s all decided! You decided! And the fact that Pauly didnt even look twice at pretty little Olive back then didnt bother you one bit.”
“So what? Hes my husband now, isnt he? And now Im paying the price for my wild crushes. Mum couldve been stricter with me. Washing up for the whole family for a year wasnt much of a punishment. Shouldve just kept me indoors!”
“As if anyone could keep you inside. And Mum always knew you were sensible enough not to do anything silly. All your dramaticsa load of nothing.”
“Sensible! Especially when it was about you. Remember how we used to fight? I couldnt stand you! Julie, clever and lovely, and Olive, trouble from top to toe!”
“Mum never said that.”
“Well, Gran did, enough for everyone! Always went on about how Id end up in trouble. And look at us now!”
“Yeah I wasnt exactly the clever one in that department, was I?”
Julie pushed her teacup aside and sighed.
“Jules” Olive reached over, taking her hand. “Whats wrong?”
“Im scared, Olive”
“Honestly, what about?! A perfectly good man finally turns up and you get cold feet! Whats the matter?”
“I dont think hell accept Max”
Olive frowned, creasing her brow.
“Why dyou say that?”
“Its obvious, really. Yesterday, after the roses and thisJulie twisted the ring around her fingerhe asked me to send Max to stay with Mum and Dad for a bit after we get married…”
She turned away to stare out at the drizzle-soaked street, playing with the expensive, lovely ring glittering on her hand.
But what else would you expect from Chris? A successful businessman, mad on sports and music, with a penchant for women, who, by all earthly logic, shouldnt have settled down, but who now insisted Julie deserved nothing but the best. He was never stingya lesson drilled into him by his mother:
“Son, any woman worth your heart can weather a storm at your side and support you when times are hard. But shell think twice about sticking around if you wont bother, even when you could. Not because shes greedy: if she believes youre her future, shell notice when youre stingy. After all, if you begrudge her now, what about the child she brings with her?”
“But Mum,” hed ask, “why would she think that? And what’s a child got to do with it?”
“Do you remember that story about Cinderella, the one from not having much? Most women, a little bit, are Cinderella. Its in us: always thinking a hundred steps ahead. Sometimes it’s a curse, but you cant fault a woman for thinking about the futureshes less likely to end up cast aside.”
Chris took his mums words seriously. How could he not, growing up with a mother who, left at the side of lifes road, picked herself up and raised him? His father left just after he was borntechnically, he divorced her, found someone new and tossed them out without a thought. He never wondered where the girl he’d whispered sweet nothings to yesterday would end up.
Chriss mum, Natalie, had nowhere to go. Her parents were deep in the countryside, and shed counted down, not days but hours, until she could leave for the city. Having escaped a house where the only spirit was homebrew, she never looked back. She lived in a grotty little flat and scraped by, knowing she had to hustle or shed starve.
Natalie hadnt married for love, though she never told Chris that. What was the point? Better her son believed in a different kind of life altogether.
Perhaps because shed survived so much, she didnt panic when she found herself homeless with a baby. She sat and thought about what came next.
Finding work proved tricky, but friends helped, and she found herself cleaning and cooking for an elderly professor whose wife had died, leaving him lost.
“Professor Adams, you must have something to eat now.” Shed plonk a bowl of soup before him.
“Later, Natalie, later”
“Now, Professor! Not another word!”
“You think so?”
“I know so! I insist!”
“And if it doesnt appeal?”
“Youre just like a little boy! For your mum. For your dad…”
“My gran used to feed me like that…”
“Exactly, imagine Im your gran then! For such a clever man, you can be awfully dense. No one can live on thin air! And Ill have your late wife haunting me if I dont get you back to health.”
“Honestly, youre like my gran You never used to talk about, you know, the kingdom come before.”
“Did your gran? Then some things you cant ban forever. Some things are for always.”
“Youre a philosopher, Natalie.”
“Hardly, Professor! No time for it. Anyway, are you done? Good. Now to feed Chris.”
“Quite right, the lad must eat well.”
The professor had no children, so took to Chris quickly, almost as his own son. One day he called Natalie in, made her sit and then paced, thinking.
“Professor, either tell me what you need or let me go. Ive got laundry and lunch still.”
“ListenNatalie,” the old man said at last, gazing at the portrait of his late wife, “I I want to offer you my handand everything in my power for you and little Chris. My heart belongs to my wife, you know that. But I can still do everything possible for the boy who has become nearly a son. Wait, dont protest! Ive thought it through. Youre so vulnerable in this world, no home, no income to speak of. Your wages wouldnt cover what youd need to raise and educate Chris. Think on itIm old, and all I have could belong to you and your boy. No heirs, just distant relations Ive nothing to do with. I always thought you were practical, Natalie. Be wise, consider it. Go, and decide.”
Natalie took her time, looking into his eyes, then nodded.
“Thank you. I know what this means. And I acceptnot for myself, for Chris. Youre right. He deserves something better.”
They married quietly. Chris got a real father, not just a name on paper.
A year later, with the Professors blessing, Natalie began at university.
“Very sensible, Natalie. You ought to set Chris an example!”
She nodded, but really, she had no intention of cleaning all her life. She had plans of her own.
In a few years, she graduated and set up a small cleaning and catering companywhich thrived. Natalie loved her work and was sure of Chriss wellbeing, knowing the Professor cared for him possibly better than she did.
Chriss biological father surrendered his rights right away when Natalie asked.
“Found someone else, have you? All the best! Dont tell the boy about mebetter he doesnt know I existed.”
She kept his wish. Chris only learned the truth, after the Professors death, aged nineteen.
“Mum, buthe loved me”
“More than most birth parents, I reckon. You gave him a son, he gave you a dad… No, more. I cant explain it, Chris. Blood doesnt guarantee youll be loved or accepted. I know that now. Your real father never once asked if you were even alive. But Professor Adams gave us a home, a future and freedom. Freedom from bitterness and spite, and that, believe me, is no small thing.”
Natalie truly bore no grudge. She was grateful that fate had been so unkind at firstit had shaped Chriss life for the better.
She moved to the country, leaving Chris the city flat, and waited for grandchildren.
Time passed, but Chris couldnt find a woman who matched his ideal.
“Chris, why are you so fussy?” Natalie sighed. “You’ve had more girlfriends than I can count!”
“Loads, Mum.”
“Exactly! All bright, all pretty. What was wrong with Alicia, or Lydia? You even brought them home to meet me!”
“I dont know, Mum. Not for me. Alicias a fantastic solicitor, great for my business perhaps, but all she cares about is her career. No kids, no househer flat is right out of a magazine! Like a museum. I couldnt even drink a coffee there without feeling awkward. Life with Alicia would be arranging socks by colour and living by a schedule.”
“And thats bad?”
“Id suffocate, Mum. Why risk it?”
“Is Lydia the same?”
“Lydia has everything, but I dont love her. Is that enough reason?”
“Of course.”
“Then thats the end of it.”
Natalie was delighted when Julie appeared in Chriss life. He was no boy, and still not married, and Julie already having a child didnt trouble Natalie.
“Chris, are you ready for this responsibility?”
“Mum, who do you take me for? I remember who raised me. Its just”
“What?”
“What if her lad doesnt accept me?”
“For goodness sake. Work at it! You want the woman, win her son first. Its simpleany proper mother will put her child above everything.”
“Mum!”
“What? Dont gasp at my bluntness! Dont choose your words too carefully where it doesnt matter. Propose, if youre sure, and make friends with the boy. As I see it, theres no father in the picture, so you stand every chance. Just think, are you really ready to take this to the end? A childs life isnt a toy. Julies strongif you let her down, shell cope. But the boy… Just think! Its not a game, Chris. Not when its two lives at stake.”
Chris took her advice and carried it out with care.
The first half was done. Now Julie sat with her sister in her favourite teashop, trying to figure out her next step. Love is love, but how can you be with someone who wont accept your son?
Olive squirmed in her chair, wondering whether to scold Julie. Finally, she broke.
“So what did he say, then?”
“Who?” Julie snapped out of her gloomy thoughts.
“Chris, obviously! What did he say about his request?”
“Nothing precise. Just asked me to arrange for Max to stay with Mum and Dad for a week after our wedding.”
Out of character, Julie threw her teaspoon on the table, causing the waiter to look over. Olive just waved him off, then snatched up the spoon, licked off the cream, and promptly tapped her sister on the forehead, just like when they were kids.
“Oy!” Julie looked at her, startled, rubbing her forehead. “What’s that for?! I’ll get a bump!”
“No, you wont! I’ve had enough practice, remember?”
“Yeah, but Olivehonestly. We’re not children anymore!”
“Exactly. We stopped being children long ago When? When you found out you were having Max? Or before?”
“Before, probably”
“Right. What did Granny used to sayyoung and early? Well! You never learn!”
“What do you mean?” Julie snatched the spoon, pressing it to her forehead. “I will get a bump”
“Well cover it up.” Olive brushed her off. “Tell me honestly, what if youd spoken about Niks romance at the time? Maybe not to Mum and Dad, but to me?”
“I dont know Whats the point in guessing now? Its done”
“Youre right. But I keep wonderingwhat disaster will it take before you learn to speak to people who care?”
Julie sighed and put the spoon down.
“Maybe youre right”
“Not maybe! I am right, Jules! Want me to remind you how Max arrived?”
“Dont. I remember very well.”
“Bet youve half-forgotten!”
Julie looked away, took a deep breath. At times like this, her sister was intolerable, but this time, Olive was dead right. Max arrived not because it made sense, but in spite of it, and Olive knew all too well.
Nik, Maxs father, had been in her class at school. She’d melt when he glanced her way, longing for that magical, “Hello.” She arrived before everyone, staring in the mirror by the front entrance, waiting for Nik to pass and say the word. That it wasnt just for her meant almost nothing then. The real truth about idols, she’d learn much later.
Nik did finally notice her. On prom night, he took her by the hand and out of the school, both knowing her parents were away, no one to interfere.
Why she agreed to what he wanted, Julie would never answer, not even to herself. She was well-read, never kept secrets from Mumbut about her first love, she said nothing. At a family picnic by the Thames, she sat by the river and wondered what to do now with her secretone bigger even than the river, but just as real and soothing.
She understood almost at once that Nik had simply used her, but she clung to hope that hed come round. Then, the talkshe delayed and delayed, until there was no time left.
Olive, watching, rallied her mates and later hugged her sister, ignoring her confusion.
“Julie! Dont be scared! And forget him. Hes not worth words. Got what he deserved!”
“Who did, Olive? What do you mean?!” Julie yelped, pushing her away.
Nerves got the better of her, and she faintednever seeing Mum rush in, hands already wet with tears.
She came round quickly, but lay still, afraid to look at the hands stroking her cheek.
“Why didnt you tell me, Julie? Was this really better?”
First Mum cried with her, then Olive, both sobbing until Dad came home.
“Whats all this Niagara about? Girlsare you mad?! Be happy, not in tears! Were to have a grandson. Or a granddaughter. Wonderful! So, no more fuss, Julie! No worrying for you!”
Never before or since did Julie feel such reliefashamed, but grateful her parents didnt judge, only accepted what was.
And Max was born into a familymaybe not “mother and father” in a classic sense, but surrounded by those who showed his arrival meant joy.
With support, Julie finished her studies and built a life with Max, confident about tomorrow. Now Chriss arrival rocked that certainty, so her doubts were only natural.
Could she risk Maxs future for her own wants?
Once before, shed made a mistakewhat if not for her parents and Olive? What would have become of her and Max? She already had a familythe best there is. Was it worth risking?
Her doubts were written plainly on her brow. Olive giggled, waved the waiter over, and asked for a dessert spoon.
“Soup, ladies?”
“No, thank youa spare spoon, please. And dessert all over again! Nerves, you know.”
She nudged a plate of cream éclairs towards Julie.
“Jules, love, try talking to people around you. Especially Chris. I think hes someone you can trust. Just ask why he wants Max to stay with your parents. Is it really so hard?”
“I dont know Maybe youre right, maybe its easy. Just ask?”
“Yes! Ask. Right now!”
Olive reached over, snatched Julies phone, and waggled it in front of her nose.
“Ring him!”
“Olive! Hes in a meeting!”
“So? Now youll see if you matter!”
“Olive, you cant!”
“Nonsense,” Olive snapped. “If you dont want to call, then text him.”
“But what will he think of me?!”
“Does it matter? Julie! Youve got his ring! Did you say yes, or are you still thinking?”
“I Im thinking”
“You didnt say no, so thats a yes! How do you think youll build a proper relationship with someone you cant ask a simple question? Hes not a mind reader. Tell him what you want. Forget all this if only this, if only that. Think! Decide what you want!”
“If only I knew what that was” Julie looked ready to cry but took the phone anyway. “Seriously? Just ask?”
“Just ask,” said Olive, exhausted.
Chris’s reply came right away. The phone chirped, and his name on the screen made her smile.
“Well now? All clear?” Olive gave her a sly look, then checked her watch. “Oh! Im late. Some people get holidays, some get the endless taxi run! Dont mope! Hes thought it all through. A week together, then a week as a family. Youre not just Maxs accessory, but a woman too. Im slightly jealousPaul would never think like that. Off I go! Do talk to your boy though. I reckon he wouldnt mind calling Chris Dad.”
“You think?”
“I know! But you didnt hear it from me.”
Coat in one hand, Olive dashed for the door. At the threshold, she turned, stuck her tongue out, and tapped her head. Think, she meant.
Julie did think.
And the consequence of her thinking bore fruit.
Three years later, proud Max took his new little sister from his stepdad’s arms and, grateful, nodded at the man hed called Dad for two years.
“Careful, Max!” Julie hurried forward, but Chris held her back, wrapping an arm around her, not letting her interrupt the meeting of brother and sister.
“Dont worry! Itll be fine. Wont it, son?”
“Dad! Youve got to trust me!” Max, carefully lifting the lace of the smart baby wraptheyd spent ages picking out togethersmiled. “Mum! Shes beautiful”
