Her Own Place
Mum, what are you doing?! Helens voice trembles, her eyes stinging as she watches her mother toss her few meagre belongings out of the wardrobe. Her red polka dot dress, Helens favourite, lands carelessly on the floor, and instantly, her younger brother Simon, sitting cross-legged, lunges for it. He grabs the end of the sash and crams it in his mouth. Dont, Simon! Give it here!
Worrying about a rag! Natalie snorts, hurling Helens jeans onto the growing pile and slamming the wardrobe shut. Out. Go on, get packing!
Mum, where am I supposed to go? You want me to leave? At night? What are you playing at?
Ill do as I please! This is my house! And you have no business here!
And me? Isnt this my home too?
No, darling, it isnt. Natalie sweeps Simon into her arms and wipes his nose with the edge of Helens dress. Youve nothing of your own here, thats the truth! And Ive had enough of you getting on my nerves. Just as things are finally picking up for me and you want to ruin everything. I wont let you!
Mum, what am I spoiling for you? What?
Whos swanning around Adam, eh? Not you?
Mum! Helen shouts so loud that Simon jumps, startled, and bursts into tears. Can you even hear yourself?! Do you know what youre saying?!
I hear myself perfectly, thanks! Enough! Ive said my piece. Youve got five minutes!
She boots the door with her foot and disappears, leaving Helen frozen and blinking. Has she really been thrown out? Her thoughts fly about wildly, none willing to stay, none giving her anything solid to hold onto. Through the door comes the sound of Simons bitter wailing and instinctively Helen moves towards it. Shes always been the one to comfort him, distract him with anything she couldjust so hed stop howling. Her mothers new husband cant stand childrens tears or really anything else child-related. Helen, whod grown up surrounded by love and care from her whole family, cant understand what her mother has turned into. Instead of picking up her son and soothing him, her mum just shoves him at Helen and totters off to her husband.
You sort him out! Youre old enoughhelp out for once!
Old enough. Only yesterday shed been their pampered golden girl, and now, all at once, shes nothinga stray, as her mum now calls her. The last two years raced past so fast that Helen couldnt keep up with what was happening to their family.
Her father died first, after a heart attack. It was so unfair and senselesshe couldve been saved if just one person had cared enough to help him at the bus stop. He wasnt even fifty. Sharp in appearance, smartly dressedno vagrantyet he lay collapsed for over an hour while people hurried past, thinking only of their own vital interests, too busy to ask a stranger if he needed help. Perhaps they thought he was drunk or mad, sleeping on the pavement in November. By the time a woman finally bothered to shake him, it was too late.
Helen remembers vividly how her mum reacted to all thislike someone frozen in time, distant and silent. Helen sobbed and pleaded for a response, but nothing. Her mother saw her husband off without shedding a tear, then shut herself in her room, forgetting she still had a daughterall alone now.
There were no relatives, and her parents friends had drifted into nothing more than acquaintancesonly ever seen on big occasions, never really part of their life. Her parents used to boast they were enough for one another, that they didnt need anyone else. Helen agreed, never enjoyed visitorswhy did they need guests anyway?
That was until Helen started primary school. For some reason, there were far fewer boys than girls in her class, so Helen was paired with a tiny, lively girl. Megan had two long, jet-black plaits as thick as her wrist, so heavy she walked with her chin high, and they immediately became the focus of Helens envy. Her own fair, unruly curls drove her madhowever long she or her mum fought with them, they stuck out like a dandelion crown, earning her the nickname Dandelion from day one.
It was only on the second day that Helen dared touch Megans plait, when, grumbling at her mother who always insisted on bows, Megan snapped, Ugh, Ill cut it off one day, even if Mum kills me. Without thinking, Helen reached out and smoothed the glossy black hair as it spilled down the back of the chair, whispering, Youre madthats so pretty!
That day marked the beginning of their friendship. Megan was the fourth daughter in a big, bustling English family, the Whitehouses. The first time Helen visited their rambling house on the edge of the estateit sprawled out with conservatories and odd extensions, commandeering three plotsshe was almost struck blind and deaf by all the people milling about: adults, children, grannies and newborns, all packed in like a cheerful market. She tried desperately to understand Megans family tree, but soon gave up. She knew Megans mum, who welcomed everyone at the door and sat them at the table, feeding them to bursting point with shepherds pie or still-warm scones, and Megans siblings, who, regardless of age gaps and interests, would always help if needed. One older brother guided them through algebra; the eldest sister taught them to bake. Even Megans youngest sisters could whip up dough and make the best sausage rolls in moments, while Helens own mother had never let her near the oven. Too young, she always said.
Helen quickly realised that having family and friends about wasnt as bad as shed thought. Later shed learn that families can become strangers toobut for now she marvelled at the heaps of presents Megan received, not just for birthdays but for any holiday. The Whites put on a celebration at any excuse, and the children were always spoilt, even for Great-Aunt Rachels birthdayMegan would leave with fistfuls of sweets or a new hair ribbon.
But why? Its not even your birthday? Helen would ask, bemused, while Megan twirled before the mirror. Megan would look equally perplexed.
Why not? Why wait for a reason to make someone you love happy? Just wait for New Yearyoull see the real haul! Megan would laugh like a bell and Helen couldnt help joining in.
Helens mum didnt approve of Megan. She didnt like that family at all, and if shed ever seen their house, would probably have made Helen promise never to set foot there. Luckily, her mother worked long hours, so all Helen needed was a quick dash home after school for soupso her mum wouldnt notice if she skipped lunchthen she could escape to Megans, to a big cheerful kitchen where someone would call her pet, feed her Victoria sponge, and teach her proper jam making. She lived for these eveningsthis was somewhere she was truly wanted.
It was Megans kin who stepped in after Helens father died. That very night, two of Megans grown-up brothers brought an envelope of money and handled everything. Helens mother barely left her room, only emerging under protest and glaring at the boys as they sorted documents and logistics, then delivered them safely home. Megan did her best to comfort Helen, until, sobbing into dough for sausage rolls, she broke down herself and they both wept into the pastry. Megan baked so much they had no room in the fridge and had to beg the neighbour to help out.
The next day, Helen was shadowed everywhere by Megans brothers, fixing little problems, keeping her safe. Her mother took no notice, but Helen never forgot.
When Helen asked Megan about it later, Megan shrugged, Of course we helped. Youre not a stranger to us. And there arent any men left in your family. Someone had to look after you.
Six months later, Megan was married off. Helen couldnt fathom it and, once she could speak, pounced with questions and dismay.
Are you mad? Why get married now? What about school? Werent you going to be a doctor?
I will be, Megan replied, folding her lacy wedding veil. Dad and my fiancé sorted ithell support me while I study.
I just dont get it. Are you madly in love or what, cant live a day without him? Helen trailed off, seeing Megans baffled expression.
Ive barely spoken to him. No lovejust interest so far. Thatll come later.
Meg, hear yourself! In England, parents dont choose husbands for their daughters anymorewhat if you never fall in love with him?
I dont know, Helen. Megan sighed and tucked the veil away. But my parents love me. They want the besta proper home, a family. If anyones going to pick out a good man for me, its them.
Helen found nothing to say. At Megans wedding, she barely kept from crying; but when she heard that Megan would be moving north to studyher husbands parents had bought them a flatHelen broke down properly for the first time in years.
How will I cope without you?
And me without you?
Youre married now. Someone will look after you.
Helen, if youre ever desperate, come and see me. Well think of something.
By that time, Helens mum had met her new man, Adam, and Megan watched uneasily as Helen lingered longer and longer after college, reluctant to go home.
What is it? Why dont you want to go back?
Helen couldnt bring herself to explain that her stepfather waited for her in the corridor, or that her mother, made unbearable by postnatal stress, gave her dirty looks and demanded she look after Simon whenever possible, as if Helens classes and hospital shifts meant nothing. She adored her brotherwould do anything for himbut endless sleepless nights rocking a screaming baby were pushing her to the edge. She had already fainted twice at work, causing a stir.
Still in her final year, Helen found a job at the local hospital and breathed a bit easier, now she could work nights and avoid home for days at a time.
After Megan left with her husband, Helen returned to her mothers flat and triggered an almighty rowtheyd never argued like that before. The conflict had been building up, but Helen could see no way out. Her mother simply wouldnt listen to anyone except herself.
A few days later, the elderly lady from two floors down, stroking Simons cheek, cooed, You do have lovely children, NatalieSimon and Helen, both so beautiful! A shame their father didnt live to see it. Helens already a proper young womanno boyfriend, is there? Havent seen her about with anyone, but she works so hard. You should think of her future, you know.
What about that ticked Natalie off so much? Whatever it was, she banished Helen from the flat. Now Helen stood in the middle of her room, frantically packing, her mind buzzingwhere on earth could she go? If she had no place here, where did she belong? She could call Megan, but what use would that be? Besides, Megan was pregnant now, and Helen didnt want to stress her. Megan was somehow managing it allstudying and ready for her first child. And Helen? She couldnt even explain herself to her own mother.
Helen glanced round her room one last time, scooped her dads photograph from the desk into her bag, and wiped her cheeks. Maybe this is for the bestshed been a stranger here for ages. Let her mother sort her own life.
Downstairs, the telly blared and Natalie clattered pans angrily in the kitchen. Helen stepped into the hall, pausedwhat was the use of saying anything? It was all said and done, and after what shed just heard, she couldnt forgive this betrayal. Enough now. Yes, once thered been love, but that was all gone. Helen didn’t belong here.
The evening was dark and coldautumn had rushed in after a long summer, and catching Helen unawares. On her way to work, shed smiled at the sight of a lad in shorts passing a girl in a thick coat and hat. Only yesterday shed dug out the scarf Megan had given her last Christmas and put on her warmest jacket, glad she wouldnt need to come back for more clothesshe didnt want to see her mother again. The ache was small but fierce, clawing at her heart. But theres no time for that now, Helen told herself. She needed to decide what to do.
The bus stop was almost empty. Two tired stragglers and a stray dogthat was all. Helen set her bag on the bench, burying her chilled hands in her pockets.
A car pulled up, startling her into stepping back. Anything could happeneven in Englands safest towns, evenings could go wrong.
Helen?
Archie!
Helen almost sobbed with relief. It was Megans eldest brotherthe very one whod once taught her algebra, and later helped to lay her father to rest.
What are you doing here so late? Heading to work?
Sort of. Actually I should be at the hospital. Yes. Thats where Im headed.
Youre not being straight with me, Helen. Whats happened? Why have you got all your stuff?
Archies concern undid Helen, and, somehow, the whole story poured outabout her mother, Adam, being left homeless.
I see. In you get! Archie was as laconic as ever, but his tone left no room for argument. Helen, hesitating only a moment, climbed into the car, expecting a lift to the hospital.
They drove in silence through the night-lit streets. The warm car, the peaceHelen let herself drift, perhaps because she knew itd end soon. She gazed out the window, her mothers voice ringing in her head: Theres no place here for you.
Suddenly, she realised they werent going towards the hospital.
Archie, where are we going? I need to be at work.
Youre planning to sleep there?
Y yes, I suppose so.
And after that? Youll manage tonight, but what about tomorrow?
I cant think that far ahead
But I can. Were not going to the hospital. Youll see.
The smart block of flats they arrived at was in a quiet neighbourhood, circled by elegant iron railings. As Archie was waved through by a doorman, Helen looked at him in confusion.
He parked, nodded towards the main entrance. This way.
Together, they took the lift to the third floor. Archie rang the bell of a flat and waitedHelen shifted nervously, but he said nothing.
Finally, the door was answered by a strikingly tall woman in a loose floral dress, her presence filling the doorway.
Archie, love! You should have called ahead.
The woman seemed formidable at first, but Helen soon realised it was just her height and the flowing dress. As Archie whispered to her, she nodded, then turned to Helen.
And youof course I know you! Youre Megans friend, I saw you at the wedding! Come in, sweetheart, dont stand on ceremony. Youre not a stranger, are you? Come, dont be shy.
Stepping inside, Helen felt herself enveloped by warmththe marble-floored hallway glittered with a chandelier that made her blink. While she took in the surroundings, Archie whispered something to the woman, gave Helen a quick wave, and slipped out.
Wheres he going? Helen began, but the door shut behind him.
Well now, why are you still hovering there? Take off your coat and come through! Well have a cuppa, a little chat, and you can explain exactly how such a lovely girl has ended up alone out on the street tonight. Haven’t you got a home? Haven’t you got a mother?
Helen crumpled onto an ottoman in the hallway, realising her strength had finally deserted her. I suppose not anymore, she cried, the flood of emotion breaking through at last.
The woman hugged her tight, stroking Helens hair, rocking her gently. Oh, you poor darling. Is this what the worlds come to? Thats not rightdont cry, sweetheart. Itll be all right, youll see. Believe me, I know. Ive seen the worst life can throw at you, and Im not having you face it too. Come on, Ill make you teathe proper way. Drink it, and for a moment, youll leave your sorrows behindnot forever, but long enough to breathe, to think
Helen sat at the beautiful old kitchen table, sipping rich black tea from a fine cup. It was so strong and bitter, her own tears couldnt compare, but she kept drinking. The woman, who insisted on being called SusanThats what they called me when I was a young girltold her stories of her own childhood, caring for younger siblings on her familys farm in Kent, of a home now lost.
But whats the worst pain, then? Helen blurted.
Susans face tightened into something solid. Its when theres no grave to bury your loved ones. My parents and oldest sisterthey died during the war. We couldn’t even bury them. That’s pain.
Helen listened silently as Susan spoke of hard timesof strangers arriving with violence, driving families away, of hiding her siblings in a potato cellar her father had hastily adapted, barely saving them. Love gives you strength you dont even know youve got, Susan said, and grief twists people up. It turns outwards, makes them unrecognisableeven cruel. Dont dwell on your mothers words, darling. Grief warps people. Remember that, when youre a mother yourself.
For two years, Susan taught Helen how to cook, run a home, and morejust as shed once taught Megan and her own sisters. Before long, Helen picked up every tip and recipe, soon making sausage rolls even better than Megans.
When Megan returned for a visit, she was amazed. Yours are even tastier than mine! Whats your secret, Helen? Megan asked as she tucked into another miniature pie. Are you well?
Better than ever. Thanks to Aunt Susan. Without her
Susan wagged her finger, Dont praise me too much! Ill get a swelled head and the Lord wont let me through the gates!
Helens tone had become so like Susans that Megan burst out laughing.
Youve made a real Englishwoman of her, Aunt!
Susan smiled, Not quite. Not yet, and caught Helens eye, suddenly serious.
Somethings wrong, isnt it? Megan asked, puzzled.
Helen hesitated, but at Megans gentle insistence, she finally confessed, Mums seriously ill.
Oh, Helenis it that bad?
It is. She was at my hospitalI know everything. Shes got hardly any time left.
But you havent been to see her? Megan gasped.
No. I cant make myself go.
Helen! Afterwards youll want totherell be no one left to meet. And no one left to forgive.
Dont shout, Meg. I know. But when I think of how she threw me out If Archie hadnt been there, or Susan? Where would I be now? Mum didnt care about meshe replaced me for that man, and when she got ill, he left. Left herand Simon.
Megan clapped her hand to her mouth. Where is Simon now?
In care. They wouldnt let me have himwork, yes, but no flat. Even with the extra cash I earn, I cant afford a place.
And you cant move back to your mothers flat?
She struck me off the tenancy. I need the documents to get Simon, and I dont have them. Im at my wits endI cant sleep, thinking of him in that home, so little
If you cared about him you wouldnt be sitting here, Megan snapped, jumping up. Were going.
Where?
To the hospital!
Why?
Wheres your mother now?
Dischargedshes at home.
Then thats where were going.
Im not making peace with her!
So let her make peace with you. Start thinking about Simonnot yourself! No one thought about you, did they? Did that make you happy? I didnt think so!
In the end, Helen made peace with her mothertwo days before Natalie, ravaged and utterly changed by illness, passed away, finally asking forgiveness from the daughter who cared for her to the end. Helen ran round, sorting out paperwork, pushing aside her hurt, focused only on bringing her brother home. Looking into her broken mothers eyes, Helen didnt recall the day that had ended everythingshe remembered instead a distant summer morning, her mum in a red sundress, feeding her cherries, golden yellow and sweet as childhood laughter, long lost.
I forgive you, Mum Helen whispered, and suddenly the weight lifted.
Susans words drifted back, finally making sense: You have to let go of a grudge. Chase it away, or itll eat you up insideand you wont see anything good around you, ever again. It burns inside you, until there’s nothing left. Hard, but you need it more than the one you have to forgive.
A week later, Simon, clinging tightly to Helens hand, stepped into the small London flat.
Are we home for good now? he asked, eyes wide and serious.
Helen smiled down at him, understanding for the first time that everything really was in its right place. Yes, little manwere home. This is our place now, you see?
And Simon, nodding gravely, gave her all the answer she needed. For once, everything was just as it should be.
