Not Guilty, Yet Blamed
You take your daughter and leave. Theres nothing left between us!
But, Simon
Ive said all I need to! And I never want to see you again!
The door slammed, leaving Emma swaying as the room spun before her eyes. A ringing, like the far-off echo of her mothers voice, seemed to cry out: Dont you dare!
That cooled her head. Emma took a cautious step, then another, and sank down onto a chair, fingers digging into her palms. The pain pulled her back from the fog closing in on her mind.
Pull yourself together! No falling apart now, no giving in to despair. Even though every bone in her body ached for it.
Not now. Theres Katie. And No, best not to think about that just yet. First, pull yourself together and try to untangle whats just happened.
What could have made Simon turn on her so suddenly? Why had he thrown her out? Only yesterday, everything seemed fine
Or was it?
Her mind finally snapped into focus. Emma laid her hands, palms up, on the table.
Right, what was it Mum always said? When you dont know what to do, analyse! Break it down, finger by finger if you must. Better yet, write things out with a pencil!
But the pencils were all the way upstairs, where Katie was sleeping
Her daughter always slept lightly, and the last thing Emma wanted right now was to wake her. If little Katie started crying and fussing, thinking clearly would be impossible.
Shed have to make do.
Emma looked down at her hands, unconsciously clenching them. Her nailslong neglected, with rough skin and the persistent freckles that inevitably appeared every time she spent too long in the allotment under the sun. Who would have guessed shed come to love house and garden so much that shed forget all the things her mother had once tried to teach her.
Emma, darling, youre a lady!
Im not! Im just a girl!
For now, yes. But before you know it, youll be grown up. A young woman, then a proper lady like me. And you must never let yourself go! Not ever, and not for anything! Manicured nails, tidy hair, neat hands! More important than fancy clothes. You cant wear diamonds if your neck hasnt been washed for a week! Understand?
Yes, Mum, eight-year-old Emma would nod solemnly, smearing her mothers lipstick around her mouth in the hall mirror.
Not that, just yet! Mum would laugh, plucking it from Emmas hand. The colour doesnt suit you. And youve ages before you need any make-up. Youre beautiful already. Everything in its own time. Grow up a bit, and well choose some together.
But, Mum
Thats enough! I mean it!
Emma didnt hear that tone from her mother often. But when she did, she knew there was no point pushing further. Mum always meant what she said.
Always
Emma, Im going away. Youll be staying with Gran for a while. It has to be this way.
How long, Mum? Emma, whod turned ten just the day before, was twisting her dress in her hands, biting her lip, fighting not to cry.
Half a year. Ive landed a really good job. But its up North! I cant take you thereits not right for you. Youll be better off here with Gran, and Ill phone and write to you.
Please, Mum, dont go
Still, Emma eventually dissolved into tears, and her mother, desperate to calm her, began to lose patience.
Enough! Thats enough now! I dont have any other choice! If I dont do this, well never manage to move out from Grans. I want you to have your own room! To go on a proper seaside holiday! If your father were still alive, I wouldnt be putting you through this. But now its up to me, for both you and Gran!
But theres still Auntie Jane! Emma shook her head, refusing to listen.
Auntie Janes got her own troubles. She needs our help too!
Cant you help me instead? Just stay! Emma blurted, and for the first time saw her mothers gaze grow cold.
Emma! The ice in her mothers voice made her shiver. You cant only think of yourself. Thats not right! If you never think of others, no one thinks of you when you need it. Got it? I am thinking of you, right now! I want you to want for nothing! Her mothers tone softened as she pulled Emma close. I promise, just this once. Be brave, sweetheart. It has to be this way!
Emma nodded, agreeing, though it felt like a thousand cats clawing inside her chest.
She wrote letters to Mum, and, clinging to the phone at weekends, shed shout about how much she missed her, even refusing her favourite ice cream. Time stretched endlessly. When Gran announced it was time to fetch Mum from the airport, Emma cried so hard they had to take a taxishe couldnt calm down otherwise.
Mum kept her word. She never went away for so long again. Business trips happened, yes, but never that same ache of separation.
They moved from the cramped old flat Emmas father had left behind, to somewhere larger. Emma finally got her own room, though she hardly spent any time there. Shed gather her schoolbooks and head straight to the kitchen as soon as Mum got home, so they could spend the evening together. Sometimes theyd just sit quietly while Mum worked a second job.
They were happy, just the two of them.
They seemed to skip the usual teenage dramas. There were barely any rows, for Emmas mother showed such tact and patience that, looking back, Emma marvelled at the well of love in that fragile woman with no support. By then Gran had passed, and Emma and her mother were truly alone.
Her mother kept her distance from her own sister.
Emma had never pressed too hard about why, only once askingand got a straight, honest answer.
You can forgive and understand nearly anything. Except betrayal.
But what did Aunt Jane do?
She let down her own mother. Your gran. Gran wanted to see her, say goodbye. Jane didnt come.
Why not?
She was afraid Id ask her to stay and help. Thats her duty, too. She didnt want to say she couldnt copecouldnt wash her, feed her, watch her mind fade from someone whod always been the anchor for us.
And you could?
I couldnt either, Mum met her eyes. Her lips trembled till Emma reached out to hug her. But, I had no choice, Emma! None. She was my mother. I had to make sure she passed peacefully, with us thereeven if, by the end, she hardly recognised us
Is that why you never let me see Gran for more than a few minutes each day?
Yes. I didnt want you to remember her like that.
I dont, actually. I just remember her teaching me to make jam, showing me how to skim off the froth with a little saucer, and eat it from the tiniest spoon. It always tasted best that way.
Jane and I used to do the same as kids
I just dont get why you two turned out so differently, when Gran loved you both, did everything for you.
That happens, Emma. Mum always babied Jane because she was poorly as a childmaybe she thought she had to protect her from everything, not just illness. Who knows?
Did it work?
What do you think? You know how Janes life turned out. Two husbands, three kids, always unhappy, never for herself. I cant say whether Mums methods were right, but I know this: it taught me what not to do with you.
You mean, dont protect me from everything?
Not exactly. Of course you protect your children! But wisely. If you try to shelter your child from every bump, if you try to live for them, thats not right. Ups and downs, mistakes and learning through your own experiencesthose matter! We rarely learn from others. Looking at all Janes problems, I wondered if Mum had let her hit rock bottom just once, maybe things would have gone differently. I promise Ill support you, always. But dont ask me to solve everything for you. If you run into trouble, sit and think. If you honestly cant cope, Im herealways nearby. Do you understand?
I do, Mum
Now, Emma sat counting off on her fingers, trying to work out where it all went wrong.
Yesterday had been Simons birthdaynot a big milestone, so theyd decided on a small family do. Summer was in full swing, and their big house, finished just last year, had room for everyone.
Her mother, Simons mum, and Simons sister Claire with her family all came round.
Katie, thrilled to have cousins to play with, flew about the garden, peppering Emma with questions.
Mum, when are they getting here? Are we going swimming in the pool? What about
She asked so many questions Emma stopped answering. It didnt matterKatie was answering herself, tidying her room because you cant have guests if your rooms a mess!
Simon had gone to the market, and soon the kitchen was humming. Mum helped, asking Emma how she was feeling.
Why are you so worried, Mum? Whats up? Emma turned to her.
Nothings wrong, love. So, how far along are you?
Suddenly Emma realised her secretone she hadnt even admitted to herselfwas obvious. And she felt suddenly light, hugging Mum and laughing.
Not far, just three weeks. I havent even told Simon yet. How did you know?
You glow, sweetheart. Like a little firefly. Just as you did with Katie.
Im nervous, Mum
Whats there to fear, silly? You and Simon are fine!
I dont know. I feel uneasy. Simons so moody. I cant work him out.
Have you asked?
He wont say!
Then you havent asked the right way.
Mum!
What? Am I wrong? Your husbands sulking and you cant pin him down to ask whats up? I clearly didnt teach you enough as a child, sweetheart. Never let your loved ones drift awaynot even half a step! If you do, someone else might listen, and who knows what might come of such a chat
Emma counted off another fingerof course! That was the beginning of it all. Her doubts were so faint she hadnt paid them much mind, but now she saw, after Mum prompted her to talk to Simon.
Except Emma hadnt managed it. First the party, then clearing up, and she never found a moment to grab Simon and ask outright what was wrong.
Then hed said the one thing she absolutely couldnt understand.
Take your daughter and go!
What was that supposed to mean?!
Emma clenched her fists. Rightthis time shed do things properly. Just as Mum had taught her. First steptalk to Simon. Enough of riddles!
Simon was backing out of the drive, about to leave, when Emma ran onto the porch and screamed so loudly the sparrows took off from the hedge.
Stop!
She hurdled a step and dashed to the gates.
Simon stared, mouth open, as she stood in front of the car, hands on the bonnet.
Move his voice was hollow, but Emma could hear what she most wanted.
He didnt really want to gohe didnt want to abandon his family either. Shed been right.
Get out here! Were talking, now, before Katie wakes up. What are you playing at? Where do you think youre going? Whats with all this nonsense? Am I your wife or a stranger to you?
Emma grew louder, Simons insides twisted up tight.
Would she be yelling at him if she really didnt care, as his sister had claimed? Why was she stopping him, if she just wanted her own freedom? Didnt he himself want Katie to be raised with her real father?
He came out of the car, grumbling in response to Emmas barrage.
Dont act like you dont know why Im doing this!
If I knew, I wouldnt have to ask! Simon, you havent been yourself for weeks! And today you totally lost it! What did you mean? Why did you call Katie my daughter? Isnt she yours, too?
Thats just itI dont know! Simon burst out, looking Emma square in the eye for the first time. Tell me, whos her father then? Why does she secretly see him?
What on earth are you talking about? Emma gaped, astounded. Have you lost your mind?
Who do you meet in town when you take Katie to her clubs?
Emma struggled to catch her breath in her outrage, but she restrained herself.
So thats it! Where did you get this idea? Your mum? Or Claire?
Mums got nothing to do with it!
I see. Claire, then.
And why shouldnt she tell me what she saw? Shes my sister!
And Im your wife! Emma felt rage surge in her, a tidal wave ready to crash over everything. You listen to everyone except me! You trust anyone but me! Is that it?
You lied to me!
Did I? When? About what?
Whos the bloke you and Katie meet in the park twice a week? Who is he?
Emma sighed and shook her head.
I told you, Simon! Its just you werent listening, were you?
When? What did you tell me?
You were watching the footballChampions League or something. Wed just got home, and I said Id run into my old classmate, George. Hes just moved back because his mums ill. He knew my gran had the same illness so asked if we could meet for contactsdoctors, carers. We met a few times, and if your detective sister really paid attention, shed have seen we werent alone, but with my mum! Do you really think Id be carrying on an affair in front of my own mother? Shed never forgive me! Sometimes I feel like my mum likes you more than she likes me. Shes always respected you so much! And you
Emma trailed off, wiping her nose.
She was not going to cry. Not now, not ever.
Hang on, you mean
Simon, Ive told you everything Emma interrupted, giving him such a look he actually stepped back. You believed a malicious rumour. Just like that. Forgot everything binding us, dragged my love and our daughters name through the mud! Do you realise what youve done? I dont know why Claire wanted to stir up troubleand I dont care! She came, brought poison into our house, and smiled at me the whole evening, never hinting at the knife in my back. But thats all beside the point. What matters is what you did, Simon! What do you want now? A DNA test? Fine! Lets do it. Katie looks at the world with your eyes for a reason.
Emma paused, listening.
Shes awake.
With that, Emma turned and went into the house, leaving her bewildered husband in the drive.
Moments later, she heard his car pulling away at last.
Inside, Katie was chattering away, hugging Emma, demanding her attention, while a heavy ache sat in Emmas chest.
Why had this happened? What had she done wrong? What was she supposed to do now? Call her mother? Tell her everything? Or take a pause, and think things through first?
Mum, never tell me about your rows with Simon. Unless youre really sure its the endthen call me, and Ill drop everything. But until then, say nothing. Youll argue, and make up, but Ill never forgive him for hurting my child. Ill never trust him again.
Emma spun her phone in her hand, then put it aside. Not yet. Simon deserved to know he was going to be a father again. After that, shed decide how to proceed.
Freshly resolved, Emmas spirits calmed. When Simons car screeched to halt at the gates, she was ready.
Emma was feeding Katie in the kitchen when the door burst open and Simon dragged Claire in behind him.
Come on, Claire! Emma, where are you?
Here, Emma said, glancing at Katie.
No way her daughter should witness a family row. Not right.
Sweetheart, have you finished? Go upstairs and watch your cartoon, can you do that?
Yes! Katie pushed her plate of untouched veg aside and dashed out. Oh, hi Dad! Hi Auntie Claire! Mum said I can watch cartoons!
The cheerful childs voice snapped the adults to attention. Simon let go of his sister. Emma quickly intervened to prevent more chaos.
Go on, Katie, Ill be up soon.
Thats OK, Mum Katie beamed at her aunt and skipped up to the parents room.
The conversation that followed was brutal. Claire wept, Simon fumed, Emma barely knew what to say.
I thought you were tricking him! You hear so much about families where the wife leads the husband a merry dance Ive heard so much from my friends, I trust no one now!
So you thought I was like your friends? Tell me, are you cheating on your husband then? And whose children are yours by?!
Claire hiccuped, speechless.
Dont be ridiculous!
Am I? Emma shot back. What were you thinking, Claire? Did you not realise what your help could have done? I wont even speak about Simon. Hes bad enough, believing you so easily. But its your trust he believed in, and you used it. Why?
I dont know Claire sobbed openly now. I thought I was protecting him
From me? How did that work out?
Emma shrugged and turned to Simon.
So, have you sorted things? Any more questions for me?
Emma
No, Simon. Im angry now, and I need time to think. Claire, I dont want to see you in my house for a while. I shouldnt need to spell out why.
Sorry, Emma
Maybe Ill forgive you. For now, the two of you should go. Emma stood, flinging open the front door, and nodded to Simon. You too. You got your answer. Off you go.
Emma did reconcile with Simon eventuallyon her terms, and never speaking of what had happened, not even with family, except for Claire. Because not every row needs airing in public, and for that simple lesson Emma would always be grateful to her mum.
When the new baby arrived, Emmas mother would be first to hold him, cooing over every resemblance to his father, smiling at Emma.
Youve turned out wise, my girl. Such a good wife and mum.
Dyou mean it?
Have I ever lied to you?
Mum, what does wise mean? You called me that, but Im not sure I am
A womans wisdom, love, is about treasuring what life givesyour children, your home, your friends. Gathering them together, nurturing and keeping them warm and safe. And knowing whats important, whats worth letting go, what you can afford to forget to protect what you have. I think youve learned that.
Really?
Im certain. Oh, and by the way, George rang. Hes getting married next month. Sent an invite for you and Simon.
Mum
Dont Mum me! Ill watch the children. But do something for me, alright?
Anything, Mum.
Get your hands looking lovely for once!
Will do!
Emma would hug her mother, nod to Simon and even to Claire, hovering shyly. Shed wink at Katie and say,
Come on, lets help put your little brother to sleep.
Can I? Katie would beam, gently touching her baby brothers tiny fist.
You must, darling. You must
Today, as I look back, I realise Mum was right: true wisdom isnt in being perfect but in patiently holding your family close, forgiving their blunders, and knowing when to fight and when to forgive. Thats the lesson Ill hold onto, always.
