I love him! And youre going on about nonsense! I dont want to hear any of this! Youre just jealous, sticking your nose in where its not wanted! Leave me alone! Mind your own business!
Hannah wasnt just raising her voiceshe was absolutely bellowing, so loud that even old Mr. Albert from two doors down stiffened as he pottered around his shed out back. He was never one for neighbourhood gossip, so if he noticed, you knew Hannah was making a scene.
Did she have her reasons? Well at least, she thought she did.
For Hannah, being in love was her default state of mind. Shed have little breaks when she wasn’t, but they were so short, only her nearest and dearest would spot themher mum, and her sister Katie. But Mum had passed away, and her sister wasnt having any of it.
For Hannah, feeling unloved meant she was only existing, not living. Her eyes went blank, she couldnt focus on work, and shed get so tetchy her coworkers would start whispering, You alright, Hannah? Don’t you want a cup of tea? Youre a bit on edge, love.
She’d bite her lip, grit her teeth silently, and think all sorts of things about these women, convinced their lives must be swellhusbands at home, kids running about, a nice house. But her? No husband, no home of her own! Wasnt likely, either. She did have a son, but honestly, she wouldnt say he was exactly thriving. Even compared to her sister Katies children, her boy Peter trailed behind. Katie had proper golden kids: the eldest, Sam, was a football star and top of his class; the little one, Sophie, sang and danced her way to every festival and competition going. That girl had seen more by her tenth birthday than Hannah had in her whole life!
It stung, didnt it? How had they ended up so different? Hannah had joined plenty of after-school clubs as a kid, but never stuck to anything long enough to get anywhere. Her mum always used to say, Hannah, listen to your heart! So she moved from one thing to the next, always after that bit of excitement.
And she truly believed that was the way to liveyou only get one life! No one is going to rock up and hand you happiness on a silver tray: Here you go, Hannah, lovely! Take a bit more!
Shed worked this out ages ago, really. When her sister Katie was stuck into homework, Hannah would be fussing about for a night out.
“Careful, Katie, youll end up too cleverwont any boys look at you then? Isnt that what Gran always said: no one likes a woman whos smarter than a man?”
Katie would roll her eyes. “Thats not what she said at all, Han.”
“Well, that’s what I remember! Youll never get a boyfriend stuck in those books!”
Katie would just ignore her and curl up with another novel, while Hannah dashed off in a cloud of perfume for her latest date.
Katie and Hannah were close, thoughhow could they not be, with just the two of them? Katie knew her sister inside out: a bit scatterbrained, full of emotion, hopeless at confidence, but kind as anything. Hannah was always bringing home stray animals shed found, andtruthfullythe two cats and a dog had all had long, happy lives thanks to her care. Their parents only agreed they could stay if the house didnt turn into a menagerie and, to her credit, Hannah kept her promise and managed the lot herself.
Of course, sometimes it seemed like Hannah cared for those pets more than people.
Katie, Mum wants us to help Nan with her cleaning. Shall we go?
Can you go instead? Ive got things to do.
Oh, what things?
Important things! (Truthfully, Barleythe catwas limping and shed claimed he needed the vet, but really, it was an excuse to get out of chores and see her boyfriend).
So off theyd go in different directions: Katie to help Nan, Hannah slipping into her best top for her date, with poor Barley limping after her.
School ended much as life had gone on: Katie passed with flying colours, and Hannah just sort of got by.
Hannah always wanted to be a baker. As a child shed stare longingly at the cake shop window, pestering her mum until shed get a treat, but she was most interested in the decorationsshed recreate them in play-dough at home.
As time went on, their paths diverged further. Katie moved in with their nan, who needed help and lived close to the college. It suited everyonenan got someone to look after her, Katie got a bit more sleep in the mornings, and peace reigned for once.
Later, Katie married a lovely bloke called James, and their little flat was always bustly and bright. Their nan was thrilledshe wanted Katie to have her flat when she was gone, and made no secret of her plans. She wanted Hannah to have their granddad’s old room in a shared house, so each girl would have something.
Katies eldest, Sam, was nans pride and joyshe even got to meet her first great-grandchild before she died. For a year she struggled to recover from a stroke, wanting desperately to walk again or just speak, but in the end, her heart gave out and Katie grieved deeply.
No one argued about the inheritance. Katie took care of their nan and everyone thought she deserved the flat.
Hannah didnt protest either, busy as she was with a new romanceshe couldnt care less, so long as she had love!
Though its a stretch to call it love. Hannah would get completely swept up, and the man in question hardly saw her at allexcept for when he wanted his place cleaned, dinner made or shirts ironed, but never, ever spent the night. “Im an old bachelor, Hannah, you know that, its complicated,” hed say in his arty way, shooing her off after shed tidied up.
She clung to a scruffy little portrait hed once painted of her, proofshe liked to thinkthat she had inspired someone. When she turned up with news she was pregnant, she was giddy, convinced her life was about to become a fairy tale. But when she told him, he simply scowled, cut her off, and said, What, a baby? Youre mad!
The end was as uninspiring as the beginning; Hannahs dreams shattered into so many little pieces no one could ever put them back together. She collected up her dignity, and when she was allowed to take the portrait “for memories”she tore it to bits that same evening, muttering, Ill get my happy ending yet! Just wait and see!
She never did hear what became of him, and she didnt care. Her son Peter arrived, but somehow, he didnt bring her the joy shed hoped. Shed search his face for his father, for creativity, for anything uniqueand only ever found a quiet, thoughtful boy, just keen on football and chess. He joined a chess club off his own bat, and went after school, shrugging when she asked, Whats there to like about that? Its boring!”
But Peter didnt find it boring at all. For him, chess was beautiful: like a quiet dance in his mind. Sometimes, picking apart an exciting match, hed spin around the living room, moving to some invisible music heard only in his mind. He only did it when nobody was watching; if Hannah caught him, shed bark, Peter! Boys dont dancestop it!
The only one who seemed to understand was Katies youngest Sophie. She didnt get why her mum didnt get on with Auntie Hannah, but her gran always reminded her that family should stick together, even if it made no sense sometimes.
Sophie and Peter were thick as thieves and Peter treasured hershe got him. They’d talk about the music and patterns in the world, and he knew he wasn’t alone.
But, of course, family friendships are subject to parental moodsHannah would fall out with Katie over the smallest thing and ban Peter from seeing his cousins. Peter hated that, so hed push back the only way he couldrefusing dinner, sulking, making such a fuss Hannah would throw up her hands, “Oh, do what you like! Im sick of this moaning!”
For a long time, Peter didnt know why his mum and aunt were on the outs. After he was born, Katie helped as much as she could, but was banished when yet another of Hannahs romances fizzled, and the issue of nans flat came up.
“Its not fair! Im her granddaughter too!”
“I didnt ask her for it, Hannah! Look, lets just sell it and split the money. I don’t want to fight.”
“I dont need your handouts! Nan always loved you more! Thats why you got everything, and Ino ones ever really loved me!”
“Thats not true, Hannahwhat about me? And Mum and Dad?”
“Some love! If you cant understand me, then you cant love me. You think I care about that flat? No! What matters is if Im loved, even in my own family!”
Katie would try to reason with her, but the hurt and resentment built up between them until it felt like a nest made of every little grievance, every Barbie doll in the ‘wrong’ dress, every mascara given to Katie instead, every boyfriend, all the jobs and homes and clever childrenall bricks stacked into the wonky, unfinished house of Hannahs dreams.
Every so often, Katie felt the same way, but her little ‘nest’ of grudges was pretty flimsya couple of twigs, a puff of wind and you could see her heart through the gaps. Shed try to blow away those old hurts after yet another of Hannahs stinging accusations, reaching out to her sister again and again.
And then both their parents died, in the same dreadful year, and grief swallowed the sisters whole.
Katie, what will we do now? They were still so young! Its not fair!
Life isnt fair, Han. We did everything for them that we could. Some things are out of our hands, Katie said, holding Hannah as she sobbed.
After the funeral, Katie gave up her claim to her parents flat, letting Hannah sort all those papers herself.
“I wouldnt have been surprised if you took this place, too,” Hannah muttered, fiddling with her coat hood.
Standing outside the solicitors office waiting for James to pick them up, Katie tried one last time: “Why, Han? Were sisters! Why act like strangers?
“Dont know, Katie,” Hannah sighed. “I suppose you never really got me.”
“You never got me, either. But does that really matter?”
“Course it does! If you dont understand each other, whats the point?”
“Maybe the point is to try? Things dont get handed to us, Han. You know that.”
Hannah bristled, “Easy for you to say! Youve got it allhusband, house, kids. And me? Im alone! Always alone!”
Katie just shook her head, sighing. What about Peter? Hes your son!
Hes always at yours! I never see him. You took him! And then you call me a bad mother!
“When have I ever called you that? Don’t put words in my mouth!”
But before they could get anywhere, James rolled up. He drove Katie home, his wife in tears.
Why is she like this? What did I ever do to her? she sniffled.
James just shrugged. Shes bitter, love. The world hasnt made her tough yet.
Katie wiped her tears and scolded him: Dont say that! Anything could happen to her, Id never forgive myself. Shes still my sister and I still love her. Who else is going to love her, if not me?
So Katie patched things up as best she could. The thread connecting them was as thin and frayed as birthday ribbon, but it was still there.
Men came and went in Hannahs life, leaving precious little but heartache, and mostly just that same old line: Lets keep it casual, Hannah. Im not looking for anything serious. You understand, dont you? And shed nod, try her best to be accommodating, learn about whatever hobby her bloke was intofishing, shooting, the lot. But in the end, no one wanted the keys to her happiness.
Through all this, Peter spent most of his time at his aunt and uncles. James and Katie loved him as their own; he and Sam shared bunk beds in the big room, Sophie ran in and out, and in the evenings, the boys would shout, Sophie, youre too quickcome on, lets play teams! Its not fair otherwise!
Katie cared for her nephew and never turned him away, even as she had her doubts about Hannahs latest flame, a chap called Philip. He was flashy, sardonic, a bit too smoothand it was pretty clear from day one that he was after something.
It turned out he wanted Hannah to sell her parents flat. Katie found out entirely by accidentone evening, after a long day at work, she stumbled over a pile of muddy shoes in the hall.
Boys! Whos home? Whats going on with these boots?
Sophie popped her head round the boys bedroom door, looking guilty.
Mumdont worry, please.
Whats going on, Sophie? Tell me. When Sophie only sniffled, Katie went up and found Peter lying on the top bunk, pressed to the wall, with a bag of frozen peas held to his face.
Peter? What happened, love?
Nothing…
His voice was muffled and sad. Katie knew Peter never hid things, so something serious was up. She climbed to the top bunk, cuddled him, and softly touched the bruise darkening under his eye.
Philip?
Peter started to cry, proper shoulders-shaking sobs; he didnt even care, because he knewat least herehed be understood. There was no justice in a man hitting your mum, let alone you, just for standing up for her.
Philip had snapped, grabbing Hannah by the arm and snarling, and when Peter spoke up, he turned on him”You cheeky little sod! Who do you think you are? Dont answer back to your elders!”
After, Peter packed up his bits in a rucksack and made straight for his aunts. There, he knew, he wouldnt have to bottle anything up.
Katie, after listening to her nephew, rang Hannah, but couldnt get through. She called James instead.
James, dont come upI need you to drive me to Hannahs. The kids are with Peter, but I need to talk to my sister now.
James didnt ask questions, just drove. When they arrived, Hannah was in tears out in the front gardenPhilip had cleared out, slamming the door on his way.
You dont understandI love him! she screamed at Katies questions, desperate to justify herself.
“Who, Hannah? The man who hit your child? You need to get a grip! You chase happiness in all the wrong places, but Peteryour boy, Hanwhat about him? Why do you keep letting him down? Hes all youve got!”
“Hes not mine anymore; hes yours!” Hannah yelled back. “He barely lives here! Its your fault! Youve taken everything!”
“What have I taken?”
“My life! My keys!”
“Keys? What keys, Hannah? What do you mean?”
Katie suddenly saw what their family had becomestanding there, arguing like strangers, shouting in the street. Is this what their parents would have wanted? She lowered her voice, asked again, “What keys, Han?”
“The keys to happiness Youve got them. I havent,” Hannah whimpered.
Suddenly Katie understood. She took a steadying breath and stepped up, yanking Hannah into a hug like their mum used to. “Come ere, Han. Oh, darling, dont you see?”
“That Im pathetic, you mean?” Hannah sniffed, but Katie held her tighter.
“Not that. Youre just too sensitive. Too soft-hearted. You dont have to give your keys to anyone, Hannah. You want to, you think someone will unlock happiness for youbut perhaps you dont need anyone else to open that door.”
“Is that right?”
“Im not sure,” Katie admitted. “Its just how I do things. Maybe life will teach us, in the end.”
“Lifes already shown me, Katie. What if Im always alone? What if I never get in?”
“Youre not alone! Youve still got me, dont you? And Peter. Isnt that something?”
“I suppose so”
“Start from there, Han. The rest will follow.”
“And if it doesnt?”
“Then maybe youre trying the keys on the wrong door. Do you want to spend your whole life lingering in some corridor, afraid to move on?”
“No!”
“Exactly. So will you come see Peter? He might forgive you, if youre honest with him.”
“He wont…”
“He will,” Katie nodded firmly. “He knows more about life than either of us, Han, thats for sure. Itll be a tough talk; hes really hurting. But you have to try. Are you his mum, or just some distant aunt?”
“Auntie Katie”
“March yourself to the car! Jamespass her the tissues from the glovebox, will you? Lets go. The kids are waiting!”
Eventually, Hannah would find a proper partner, years latera calm, wise man whod give Peter space and, in time, build a bond with him deeper than blood. Peter always stayed close to Auntie Katies household, preferring the gentle chaos of cousins and Sophies singing to whatever new setup his mum had.
And as he waved goodbye for the train to university, embracing everyone, Peter looked his stepdad in the eye, shook his hand and said, Look after Mum for me, will you?
The manbroad and calm, hair just tinged with greysmiled, returning the grip warmly. And you take care of yourself, son. Were all waiting for you. Always.Peter hesitated for a second, feeling all those old doubts swirl insidebut when he looked back at his mum, standing under the station clock with her arm tucked in her partners, he suddenly saw hernot the woman she thought she ought to be, but the one she really was: uncertain but bravely loving, hope flickering even after everything.
Sophie was waving hard, and Sam was jostling at the barrier with his phone out, ready to document the big farewell. Katie caught Peters eye, mouthing, Proud of you. A line of sunlight broke through the clouds, gilding the station in late-afternoon gold, and in that instant Peter felt, clear as a chessboard after checkmate, that happiness wasnt a key to borrow or misplace. It wasnt locked away in someone elses flat, or in the arms of a fleeting love. It was here, in arms open wideeven if they were sometimes clumsy, sometimes tired, sometimes afraid.
The train was hooting. Peter called back, loud enough for all of them, Ill come home soon, I promise!
And when he climbed aboard, squeezed between scattered strangers and suitcases, he opened his phone to find a message from Hannah: Love you, Petey. Always.
He smiled, tapped out: Love you too, Mum.
As the train pulled away, carrying him towards whatever life hed choose, Peter pressed his palm to the glass, watching the woven chaos of his family shrink and shimmerand knew, with the gentle certainty of a final move, that he was never really alone at all.
