Life After Divorce
Ella, why are you being so stubborn? Dianas voice had that familiar tone, the one that implied she was explaining the obvious to a rather dim-witted child. She always spoke to Ella like thiswith patience so patronising it could curdle milk. It made Ella tense up every time. Marks a wonderful man. Well-presented, clever, decent salary, owns his own place. What more could you possibly want?
Ella put down her spoon, the one shed been absent-mindedly stirring her soup with, and looked up at her mother. Her hands were trembling ever so slightlyshe quickly shoved them beneath the table to keep Diana from noticing.
Mum, he cheated on me, she said quietly, holding her mothers gaze. Not once. Not twice. It was a regular thing. We were married six months, and I had enough evidence to make the judge decide on the spot. He didnt even give us time for reconciliation! Even a total stranger could see this marriage was a lost cause!
So what? Diana shrugged, adjusting her flowery apron as if waving off a trivial inconvenience. All men have their… moments. Remember, a good wife keeps her husband interested! You should have tried hardertaken up a course, joined a gym, done something with your hair. But no, you went straight for a divorce!
Ella let out a weary sigh. Shed lost count how many times theyd been over this same old script in just the past fortnight. After leaving Mark, shed moved in with her motherher own flat, the one from her nan, was still occupied by tenants. She was simply biding her time until she could reclaim her space, her proper lone-wolf densomewhere she could finally breathe.
*************************
When the doorbell rangloud and persistentElla already knew who it was. Mark. Again. Her heart plummeted, her palms immediately damp. Her mum, delight of all delights, kept inviting him round despite Ellas protests, as if blind or just blithely indifferent to her daughters suffering.
Darling, its Mark! Diana crowed from the kitchen, her face lighting up with an almost child-like glee. Come in, come in, love! she sang at the hallway, her voice so full of forced hospitality that Ella felt queasy.
She gripped her spoon until her knuckles turned white, the cold metal digging into her skin. The back of her throat constricted and her chest felt leaden.
I dont want to talk to him, Mum, she whispered, determined to keep her voice steady.
Did I ask you? Diana snapped, her face twisted with irritation for a flash. This is my flat, and Ill invite who I like! While youre living under my roof, you mind the rules.
Tears stung Ellas eyes but she clenched her teeth and swallowed them down. She stood up, nearly knocking over her tea, marching past both her mother and Markwho was just now wrestling off his shoes in the hallwayand headed for the balcony. Marks aftershaveso keen and woodyhit her nose and made her almost retch.
Ella, wait! Mark called after her, his voice sickly sweet with synthetic concernonly making her more cranky.
She didnt bother replying. She flung the balcony door open and slipped outside, slamming it, almost dramatically. Cold air snaked beneath her jumper, nipping at her ears and neck, but she barely noticed. She slouched over the railing, her white-fingered grip so tight it might leave bruises, glaring out at the grey tower blocks across the road, at the scattered windows with their tiny pools of warm yellow glow, at a lone figure hurrying by with an umbrella. Somewhere below, a rubbish lorry whined. Somewhere across the way, carefree pop music trickled from a radiomockingly upbeat, in her current mood.
Just go already, Ella thought, tugging her cardigan tighter around her in vain. She could hear her mum rabbiting away to Mark in the kitchen, the clink of dishes, the rush of the tap, Dianas laughbreezy and effortless, as though nothing had happened, as though her only child wasnt standing out in the cold, shivering from fury rather than frost.
Minutes slithered past thick as treacle. Ellas hands grew properly numb, her shoulders jittered with the chill, but returning indoors was out of the question. She breathed in, deep, trying to find calm in the London evening soundstraffic, distant shouting, anything to drown out the drama on the other side of the glass.
Suddenly the door behind her squeakedlow, but unmistakable. Ella startled, spinning round. Mark had joined her outside.
Ella, he began, standing a couple of steps away with his hands tucked into his jeans pockets, cocking his head as though hoping to meet her eyes. Can we just have a proper chat?
Theres nothing to talk about, she muttered, staring at the raindrops on the neighbours window, fighting the quiver in her voice.
Please, he edged closer, his presence suddenly enormous. I really get it now. Ive changed. Lets give it another go. Ill be different, I promise.
You havent even apologised properly, Ella shot back, her irritation about to reach boiling point. You just want everything back the way it was because its easier for you. You havent changed, Mark. You just want to get back what you lost.
But honestly
Enough, she cut in, surprised herself with the firmness in her tone. I dont want your apologies. I dont want a man who cant keep his word, who puts his whims above respect for me.
She tugged the door handle, only to find it stuck. Wonderful. Mummy strikes again!
Mum! Ella bellowed, voice cracking with pure desperation even she didnt recognise. Open up!
The lock snapped within a minute, and Diana appeared, beaming as though nothing had happened, carrying a cup of steaming tea like shed just arranged the family Easter egg hunt. The cherry apron was still on. She fussed with the small table shed dragged out half an hour ago.
What are you two doing out here? Come back in, dinners ready and the mint teas gone cold!
Ella whisked past her, avoiding her gaze, fumingnot just at Mark but at her mothers boundless meddling, her blithe disregard for Ellas feelings, her absolute certainty she knew best.
Mum, Ella stopped in the hallway, turning to look her mother dead in the eye, please, just stop. I dont want to see him. Stop inviting him over. This is my life. I get to decide whats best for me.
Now, now, darling, Diana patted her shoulder, her touch suddenly unwelcome. Hes sorry! Men make mistakes, but a wise woman gives second chances. Youre just too proud, you know! You need to be gentler. A bit more forgiving…
Ella closed her eyes, counting to ten, trying to bottle up the storm inside. No point arguingshed learnt that long ago. She headed for her room, closing the door firmly, trying to lock out the entire world. The bedside lamp lent the air a stuffy feelshed forgotten to crack the window earlier, and the air now sat heavy, almost tangible. She slumped onto the edge of the bed, hands trembling so much she had to ball them into fists and press them to her knees to steady herself.
She could hear voices from the kitchen. Diana sounded positively chippernever mind that minutes earlier shed laid down the law about whose flat it was. In her tone was a smarmy triumph, like shed notched a win on some invisible scoreboard. Mark replied more calmly, but Ella recognised those carefully rehearsed tonesthe exact ones hed used whenever shed caught him in one of his innocent flirts with a colleague or random girl. Marks youre overreacting, love tone, which drove her up the wall.
How dare he show his face here? Ella thought, clenching her fists tighter until the nails bit into her palms. After everything… After swearing it was only a colleague, then suddenly theres three of them in just six months? Three, and those are just the ones I know about. God knows how many more.
After half an hour, the kitchen grew quiet and the front door thudded shut, sending a dull echo through Ellas chest. She drifted back out. The kitchen was thick with the scent of mint and vanillaDiana had placed a homemade Victoria sponge on the table. For the tiniest moment, Ella wanted to give in, sit at the table like a child and forget everything. Instead, she steeled herself.
Darling, stop sulking! Diana beamed at her, the smile now stuck on poorly, like a mask. Marks a good lad, really. Hes sorry. I told himprove youve changed to Ella.
Mum, Ella leaned on the doorframe, feeling the rough paint under her fingers, I dont want him to prove anything. I just want some peace, until I can move into my own flat. Is that so much to ask?
Diana sighed and slumped into the chair as if carrying the worlds woes.
Youre too rigid. Her tone was suddenly serious, a little tired. Lifes not black and white. Yes, he made mistakes. But so does everyone. Youre not perfect. Did you ever think you mightve pushed him away? Maybe you didnt try hard enoughmaybe you shouldve spent more time on yourself?
Ella felt the hot sting of tears and a raw ache in her chest, as if someone squeezed her heart.
So this is my fault? she asked, voice trembling on the last word. Its because of me he cheated?
Well, not exactly, Diana hedged, eyes drifting to the dusk outside. But relationships go both ways. Maybe if you were softer, more patient…
Or he could have just not cheated, Ella snapped, a new steel in her voice. Is it that hard? To just be faithful? To not lie, not betray? Thats the bare minimum marriage is supposed to be.
**************************
Mark started popping up everywherelike a dodgy spectre determined to haunt her. Hed just happen to be outside her mums building when Ella popped out with the bins, hands in pockets, shamefaced smile at the ready. Or hed come round with a box of chocolatesOh, I just happened to be passing!even though it was obvious hed been loitering near the door for ages.
Once, he turned up with a dozen red roses and a massive box of Black Magicher favourite as a kid, especially the cherry fondants. The roses were dewy fresh, the box glinting with new foil.
This is for you, he said, holding out the flowers with that apologetic half-smilea dimple she once found charming. Now all she saw were the tired bags under his eyes, a forced sincerity that didnt reach his gaze.
Thanks, but no thanks, Ella didnt even touch the bouquet. And Ive asked you not to come.
I know, Mark looked down, an awkward vulnerability twisting his posture. I just cant give up. You mean a lot to me.
Meant, Ella corrected, the word sticking in her throat. In the past.
He nodded, struggling over something invisible.
Alright. I get it. Sorry for bothering you.
He turned to go, when Diana burst from the flat.
Mark, love! Dont stand on the doorstep, come in! Ella, let your ex-husband in, dont be dafttake the flowers, theyre gorgeous! Wouldnt mind some myself!
Mum, hes going, Ella said with Herculean restraint, fuming inside. And I dont want flowers from random men.
Oh, dont be silly! Diana looped her arm through Marks, and Ella noticed how he tensed. Come in, Ive baked. Lets have a natter.
Mark tiptoed in. Ella knew there was no point arguing. She retreated to her bedroom.
Behind the door, she could hear Dianas voice: See? Shes just upset. Shell come round. Just keep showing up. Girls appreciate persistence, really.
Ella clapped her hands over her ears, but the words still slithered in like poison fumes. She wanted to shriek, storm in, vent all her pain and misery. But instead she flung herself onto her bed with her sketchbook, sketching agitated, clumsy linesthen, gradually, calming, sketching sweeping shapeswaves, hills, everything that might express her mood.
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Months went by. Ella finally got her flat back, now conveniently closer to work. She made a few new friendswomen from her office and local book clubwho sometimes joined her off for a quick Nandos or a giggle over lattes. She even took up yoga on weekends. It made her feel strongerinside and out. Every morning in tree pose, she imagined putting down roots in her new life and letting the past drop away.
After one class, she ended up chatting to the instructorPaul. He was older, gentle, with a smile that was all warmth and not a trace of judgement. They swapped numbers, met up for coffee, then a walk, then another coffee…
Paul was the antithesis of Mark. No over-the-top compliments, no sweeping promises, just quiet presence, someone who listened when Ella wanted to talk and just… existed companionably when she didnt. For the first time in ages, she felt safe. With Paul, she could simply existimperfect, untidy, real.
The first time Ella mentioned Paul to her mum, Diana pounced like a cat on catnip.
Whos this? What does he do? Wheres he live? The questions flew, sharp as darts.
Hes a yoga instructor, Ella tried to stay calm, though inside she braced herself. Works at a studio round the corner from my office. Rents a flat nearby.
Thats it? Diana curled her lip, as if tasting supermarket wine. No title, no property? So, what, youll be living off beans forever? Is he angling to move in on your mortgage, is that it? Youll be keeping him, then?
Mum, I dont care how much he earns, Ella answered, meeting Dianas eye firmly. Hes kind. He respects me. Thats enough.
Respects, Diana mimicked, her tone razor-sharp. Mark respected you too, you just didnt appreciate it! You always make things complicated.
Ella shut her eyes and counted to ten. No point debating with Diana, whose world was a flowchart marked Financial Stability = Happiness, Good Husband = Homeowner, Good Wife = Long Suffering’. No argument could shift her compass.
Paul, meanwhile, became her little steady streamat first a trickle, then a current. They talked, dawdled around London, cooked together, shared dreams. It was mundane, gentle, everything she hadnt known she needed.
Six months in, Paul proposed. Unflashy, in a park as spring leaves peeked out. He took her hand and simply said, Ella, I want us together. Will you marry me?
His eyes were calm, honest, shining with the promise of peace. She smiled, the happiness rising up through her, effervescent.
Yes, she whispered, then grinned. Yes, I will.
She knew Diana would not let this one slide. She was correct.
You can’t marry him! Diana all but snarled, arms crossed in the hallway, her posture screaming disapproval. This is a mistake. You will regret it! Youre throwing your life away.
Ive made up my mind, Mum, Ella buttoned her coat, feeling her heart pulsenot out of fear, but newfound confidence. And Im happy. Isnt that enough?
No, Dianas tone was cold, almost distant. You just cant see further than your own nose. Always so pigheaded and blind. Youll regret this…
**********************
The wedding was smalljust as Ella and Paul wanted. No frills, just close friends and a handful of Pauls relatives. Ella chose a plain ivory dress, Paul a dark suit with a striped tie. When they exchanged rings and the registrar said, You may kiss the bride, Ella had the sense she was finally doing something truly, unapologetically hers.
Diana didnt come. Instead, she sent a funereal bouquet of white lilies with a black ribbon and a note: Hope you come to your senses. Ella stared at the flowers for a long minute, then moved them gently out of sight, chest tight but determined not to wallow.
There was another little treat. Diana persuaded Mark to show up at the registry office. As Ella and Paul emerged, Mark leaned against his car, hands in pockets, wearing an expression that was either constipated regret or confusion.
What are you doing here? Ella stopped, bracing, though the sting inside was now more fading bruise than wound.
Your mum asked me, he shrugged, voice heavy. She said youre making a mistake, that youll soon come running back, but youre too proud to admit it.
Mums say a lot of things, Paul replied, taking Ellas hand. His was warm, reassuring. Doesnt mean theyre right.
Right-o, Mark sneered, fixing Ella with a look. Call me if you get bored of being broke. Ill take you back, no questions asked.
And with that, he vanished, leaving a slightly sickening aftertaste.
Afterwards, Ella and Paul started making plans. Theyd been offered jobs in Manchestera bigger, brasher city, bursting with possibilities. Ella leapt at the chancea clean slate, a place where no-one would remind her of her past, where she could build her life on her own terms.
Before leaving, she popped round to say goodbye to Diana. Her mother met her in stony silence, standing at the window, arms folded.
Were moving, Ella said from the doorway. To the north.
So? Diana didnt look at her, voice flat. Running from your problems?
No, Ella shook her head, voice now steady with a new tranquillity. Running toward happiness. Id like you to be part of it. But only if you can respect my choices.
Diana spun round, eyes flashing a mix of insult and anger, jaw clenched so tight Ella was surprised she didnt hear teeth crack.
Respect? Diana raised her voice, nearly shouting. Whats to respect? Youre running off with some yoga bloke? Whats he ever given you? Security? Prospects? You do realise this is a massive mistake, dont you?
Ella felt the habitual heaviness press down. How many times had they been here? Happiness is not about house prices, careers, or square footage. She inhaled, fighting the tremor in her fingers, and finally met her mums gaze.
Paul is wonderful, Ella said simply, her voice ringing with a new strength. He supports me. He gets me. He respects my decisions. And he gives me something Mark never didpeace. I dont have to watch my back, I dont have to be perfect. I can just be, and know Ill be accepted.
Peace? Dianas laugh was bitter, her lips twisting. Thats what you call it? A rented flat in some strange city, working in a yoga studio? Mark could have given you the world! He would have bought you a car, done you up a flat, whisked you off to Greece… Im not dropping this!
***********************
What Ella didnt know was that later that night, Diana phoned Paul. While Ella packed the last of her boxes, Pauls phone rang. He stared at the numberunknownand hesitated, then answered.
Paul, love, Dianas voice was oddly tender, almost like a real mum. Im awfully worried about Ella. Shes impulsive, emotional She sometimes doesnt know whats best for her. This move is a mistake. Shell regret ityoull both regret it.
Paul listened, jaw clenched. He could feel himself getting wound up, but forced his voice to remain cool.
You know, shes still not over Mark, Diana breezed on. Its just pride. Youre just a distraction, something for her to do until she snaps out of it. Dont throw your life away on something so fleeting.
Diana, Paul cut in gently but firmly, thank you for your concern. But I know Ella better than you do. Shes changing, shes getting stronger. I trust her. And I trust us.
Oh, youre so naive, Diana chuckled dryly. Shell hate life up northno friends, no familiar places. Shell get lonely. When she comes to her senses, Mark will be there. He always is.
Paul took a breath, thinking of Ellaher real smile, the way she furrowed her brows in class, her giggle. It made him even more resolute.
I dont think theres anything left to discuss, he said quietly. Ellas a grown woman. Its her decision. She chose me, and Im not going anywhere.
He hung up, feeling a pang of pity for Ella. Growing up with a mum who only ever saw her as her own reflectionhow tough must that have been?
*************************
The next day, Ella returned for a proper goodbyeshe couldnt bear to leave things at daggers drawn. She brought a tin of treacle biscuitsDianas childhood favouriteand a bunch of cheerful daisies.
Diana wasted no time.
Are you sure? Why not stay a month? Give it some thought. Maybe youre just frazzled, not thinking straight…
Mum, my minds made up, Ella replied quietly, feeling something finally snap inside her. Weve got a home, jobseverythings lined up. The new flats by a park. Ive already met some colleagues online, Pauls sorted out his work. Its happening.
Sorted? Diana turned, her eyes glassyanger or tears, Ella couldnt tell. Is this Pauls idea? Is he controlling you? If you stayed, with me and Mark around, youd have come to your senses. There, youll be under his thumb!
Ella froze. The accusation was so strange, so unfair, for a second she couldnt speak.
You really believe that? she whispered. You think Pauls like that? You think hes some kind of manipulator?
Well, arent they all? Diana folded her arms; the same old brick wall. Mark was at least honest about what he wanted. This one, all pseudo-kindness and yoga poseshes just trapping you.
Enough, Ella felt tears prickle, her voice wobbling. Just enough. I cant keep living like this, always being made to feel guilty for wanting happiness.
She turned to leave, but Diana seized her arm in a surprisingly strong grip.
Wait, her voice trembled, for the first time desperate. Im your mum. I want whats best for you.
Whats best is what I choose, Ella freed herself delicately. I choose Paul. I choose our life. And I choose to leave and find space to be happy, without endless guilt-tripping and lectures. Somewhere I can finally breathe, without looking over my shoulder for another I told you so.
Diana stepped back, her face a confused war of anger and heartbreak. She dropped Ellas arm, and for the first time all the tension drained out of Ellas shoulders.
Thats it then? Diana whispered, suddenly tiny. Youd pick some bloke over your own mother?
Im not rejecting you, Ella felt the burn of tears, Im rejecting being treated like property. I wish you could love me as I am. But until you can, we need some space to figure ourselves out.
Suit yourself. Diana turned back to the window, her shoulders trembling. You know where I am if you come to your senses.
Ella lingered a second, looking at the back of her mothers head, the strip of grey hair at her temple, the hand clutching the sill. She wanted to go and hug her, promise it would all be OKbut that would be a lie. Quietly, she slipped out, careful to keep her steps silent. In her pocket, her new phone gloweda number Diana would never have. Maybe one day theyd talk again, patch up their frayed edges. But for now, Ella needed freedoma space of her own, untidy and new, finally, blissfully her own.
