Little Blessings
Oh, but shes not scary at all! Shes beautiful! Max, tell them!
Sasha clung to the scruffy, skinny cat, sobbing so loudly the neighbours milling around had to cover their ears.
Bold as brass and loud like everyone in her big, rowdy family, Alexandra could always get her point acrosseven if not with words, certainly with volume. At five, no one on the estate could match her screech for making the windows shudder.
People round here had long since got used to Sasha and her many brothers and sisters. No one really minded their antics; everyone knew full well that Fiona, their mum, struggled to keep such a boisterous lot in check. Her work hours were the sort that wouldve had any other woman tearing her hair out and hanging up her apron for good.
The iron fence, beautifully wrought, wrapped around that old Victorian houseyears ago split into flatsstood as a point of pride for the whole building. Every spring, Fiona would repaint it with the rest of the neighbours, and by rights, if she wanted to sit on it for a breather, no one could say a thing.
But shed always turn down the chance, sighing,
Were all workhorses, arent we? Sturdy, reliable, clever shires. No ones going to do it for you. Have to do it all yourself! Only I, girls, am this immortal pony, trotting in circles, barely knowing where Im heading. I sussed out the why years agobut the where? Someone nudges you along and you find yourself nose to tail behind the next horse, just dreaming of evening, of every kid tucked up, washed and fed, smiles all around, and the kitchen sink empty Because someone’s already done the washing up. And you know whats odd? That emptinessthats happiness.
Fiona was a real thinker, and she was still a looker, too. But who was going to notice a woman with six kids dangling off her and not a hint of help from anyone? Fiona had put all thoughts of romance behind her long agoshe had plenty enough on her plate.
Mothering six? Thats no stroll in the park!
But no one ever moaned at Fiona about ither family story was known by everyone from this little corner of Bristol.
Sasha, along with three others, wasnt Fionas by birth.
Not that Fiona had ever made the grand gesture of swooping into an orphanage to save anyone and offer them a bright future. Maybe she wouldve, given different times and supportbut life had other plans. And you know how life loves to chuck us curveballs without asking first.
Go on, thenthink about it! What kind of person are you?
Fiona had to make her choices, though from the first, everyone guessed how itd go.
All the children Fiona raised were, as she called it, her inheritance.
And inheritanceyou either accept it or you dont. Fiona chose to see her situation differentlyno one had thrown her aside, so why on earth should she turn her back on these children, especially since they were, after all, her own, in every way that mattered?
She had her reasons. Whether or not others thought they held water didnt bother her. They were enough for her.
Fiona was a child of the nineteen-nineties.
Her own mother was the beauty queen of their small Somerset town, the envy of all the girls. Shed married at just eighteen in a dress so gorgeous the rest could only sigh. Her dad, a businessmanmind, the less said about his business the better.
Fiona didnt remember her parents at all.
Shed walk with her Nan to the cemetery to visit. There was a handsome gravestone with old, faded photos. Little Fiona would stroke the pictures with a finger and, whispering lest her Nan overheard, share her weeks newsthe star she got from her teacher, the pretty red-and-white scarf her Nand knitted.
The truth came out when Fiona turned sixteen.
Your dad was a wrong un, love. Taken too soon, and dragged my daughter with him. I shouldnt speak ill of him, perhaps, but I cant forgive him for what he did to your mum Oh, the tears I cried, pleading with her not to go near him! She wouldnt listen. Loved him, the fool. And he loved her back, I supposethey say he tried to shield her when the trouble came for him. Maybe he truly did care. But now, only youre left, darling. My joy from my girl…
It was only then Fiona understood why strange men would sometimes visit. Theyd shuffle awkwardly in the hallway, or sit in the kitchen sipping tea, listening to Nans stories about her musical exams, then stuff envelopes with money before slipping away without a word.
Her Nan always took the money, but never spent it, stashing it away until, when Fiona finished school, she bought her a big, roomy flat.
There you go, love. Your inheritance. From your mum and from your dad
Fiona didnt want to live there. She stayed with her Nan.
Why, love? Its a lovely flat! And right in townwalk to college, no need for the bus. Five minutes, and youre there. Why be obstinate?
Dont want to be without you! You come or Im not going, Nan!
Old Mrs. Fry didnt want to leave her little home, where everything reminded her of her lost daughter. Only finally agreed when her niece, Gillian, popped up.
Fi, can we stay in your flat, please? Ive got the kids, and its just sitting empty. Ill pay rent, itll help with you and Nan. And if you can help out with the council paperwork so we can get the little uns into nursery
Gillian was one of those women who could get around anyone, Nand always said.
Dont listen to her, Fiona! Yes, shes my niece, but shes sly, mark my words! Tell her to jog on!
But Nan, shes got kids
And? Shes their mother, not just some stand-in! Let her sort them out! My jobs to look after you.
Fiona always listened to her Nan, but she couldnt push the little onesMax and Lizzieout either. Theyd snuggle in whenever they saw her, and sulk whenever Gillian came to fetch them.
Fiona would cuddle them and think its unfair, really, to have a spacious empty flat when others are cramped. Especially with Gillians constant Were family! You cant just turn away family!
That phrase had haunted Fiona from her earliest years. If her father had lived properly, Nan always said, her mum would still be alive.
She longed for Nans praise:
Thats good, Fiona. Thats how proper folk act! Im proud. Youre growing up right.
No words meant more.
Even so, on Gillian, Nan surprised her.
Not this time, love! Absolutely not!
Why? Isnt it unfair that Gill and her kids are bouncing from rent place to rent place, and my flat just stands empty?
Exactly because shes not to be trusted! And youre forgetting about that old storythe clever fox and the ice house. I remember it well!
Nan
Dont argue! Gills not living in your flat, end of. Well move, you and me.
But you didnt want to!
Well, looks like Ill have to. Youre right in a way, cant just leave family high and dry. But you cant just hand everything over at the first ask either. Gills a survivorshell get hers in the end, she just needs a bit of time and a fishing rod, not the fish itself! Believe me, lovegiving freely doesnt always do good.
Why not?
Because then a person never learns to strive. Why bother, if everythings handed to you? Let her move in now, youll never shift her! And youll always feel you owe her. Shell play on that. Not right away, but in time, sure as anything. Shes got her own ambitions, and she wants something for nothing. Understand?
Sort of… But isnt it wrong to think badly of people, Nan?
Maybe. But were only talking like this now, before it goes pear-shaped. Later on, itd be too latebetter to steer clear. Lifes long, who knows whats down the road? Let me handle things. Let her be cross with me, not you. Just stand aside, promise me! These kids need an aunt who loves them. Thats more important than youll ever know. To have someone who cares.
But Gill loves them!
Course she does, shes their mum! Nothing wrong with them getting a bit more love, though! In life, each drop of it countsnever forget that, Fiona!
And, you know what? Nan was bang on, every step of the way.
When Mrs. Fry offered her own flat to Gill, Gill just shrugged.
Knew you wouldnt let Fiona down.
Were you planning to?
No, honest. Ive only got the two of you left.
Then stick with us, girl! Well help best we can.
I know
See, Gill, I get it. About you, and the kids. But Fionas an orphan. Leave one of those out and youll never see heaven. My girls waiting for me up thereyou think I could face her if I let her kid down? Not a chance.
So Gill got the small flat, and Fiona and Nan moved.
Time, though, has a way of galloping ahead.
Fionas dream was for Nan to finally relax and enjoy life, but fate had other plans.
There was a GPs just down the road. Nan joked, Its like work, all these check-ups! Her health was never great. Fiona worried, always offering to go with her, but Nan just waved her off.
Im not a complete invalid, lass! Two ticks down the road. You get on. Ill be fine!
How Fiona regretted not insisting.
Just another winter, really. You cant avoid itthe snow comes, the cold nips, and every path hides a slip of ice underneath. Sometimes, a tiny misstep changes everything.
Nan fell near the health centre. Hit her head, passed out. People hurried by, caught up in their own business, not a soul stopping for the old lady lain awkwardly against the curb.
A cabbie, dropping off a fare nearby, found Nans note with Fionas number in her bag and called, after ringing for an ambulance. But it was too late.
Nan passed away a day later. Fiona spent those hours pacing the hospital, arms tight around Gill, whod left her kids with a neighbour and rushed over the second shed heard.
Whatm I going to do without her, Gill?
Youre not, Fie. Dont talk rubbish. Got to hope! Gill tried to reassure her, knowing in her heart hope was thin on the ground.
The doctors who hurried past wouldnt meet her eye.
She wouldnt have liked this at all, Fie.
What?
This moping of yours! She was strong, raised you to be the same, didnt she?
She did
So chin up, love. For her.
Im trying
A day later, Fionas life shifted again. Shed have to answer for everything now herself.
And a lot was happening.
There was Dave, who Fiona lived with for nearly five years, splitting amicably when he met someone new, leaving Fiona with two kids but, at least, no bitterness. Dave was nothing if not honest.
Were mates, arent we, Fie? He was packing his bag, not meeting her eyes.
Yeah Dave, do you even hear yourself? Fionaheartbroken but not angry.
What could she be angry about? For his honesty? For leaving? Well, thats life. Sometimes things just end. The kids would miss him more than she would.
Fiona didnt protest. She helped Dave pack, then phoned Gill and asked her to come over.
Gill, still living in Fionas Nans old place and working herself ragged as a senior nurse, was just done with helping her daughter with a school project. She was ready to have a go at her cousin, but hearing Fionas wavering voice, she just said, Im on my way.
In half an hour, Gill was there, holding Fiona tight and cursing Dave back to the Stone Age.
Dont cry! Let him go! Best thing ever happened, Fie! Hed have left you sometime, if not now, later!
But why?! What did I do?
Oh, honestly! Men are like dogs, love. Sorry to be blunt, but its true. Doesnt matter if its you or someone elsehed have walked out regardless. He wont stick with the new one, either, you watch. At least hes not left the kidshe says hell help, and I reckon he will. Its not much comfort, but its something. Look at memy ex is a waste of space, kids never hear from him, even at birthdays. Just me here, being both dad and mum. Is that right? No, but we manage. Lizzie manages, but Max needs a father He just isnt there for him, like he never existed.
What do I do, Gill?
Dont arguethats my advice. The restll work itself out, just needs time.
Going to tell me time heals, are you?
Nope. It doesnt. People say it does, but theyre lying. New things crop up, push out the pain. Dont erase itjust cover it up.
Gill, how are you so wise?
Your Nan taught me this stuff! Explains it all so you never have questions. Its her wisdom, not mine. See? Like I said, shell never leave us, not while we remember her. When I talk to you, I hear her, like shes right beside us
Thanks, Nan Fiona dabbed at her face with a tea towel, chucking the sopping one aside. But why does it hurt so much?
Thats normal! Gill grinned, wiping Fionas nose. If you didnt feel anything, then wed worry!
Again, Gill was right. Time ticked on, and Fiona found herself settling. There was simply no time to wallow.
Dave saw the kids on weekends, stayed in touch, did his bit so they never felt left out.
So when Dave announced he was having another baby, Fiona barely blushed.
Thats good news.
Thank you, Fie!
For what?!
For your response! Youre an amazing woman!
Tell me something I dont know! Fiona even smirked.
And then, news came the other way.
Gill! Howd this happen?!
Oh, Fie, as if you dont know?! Youve been married and got two kids yourself! Draw you a diagram, shall I? Gill was joking, but her eyes darkened with worry.
Silly! Gill, whos the father?
Doesnt matter. Soon as I told him I was pregnant, he vanished. Good riddance. Didnt even get a chance to scare him proper!
How?
Couldve told himIm having twins! What am I meant to do, Fie? Not as a nurse, I know that bit, but as a mum, this isnt right, is it? If I have them, what then? Nowhere to go, and Max and Lizzie still need raising
Gill, close to tears, rushed out, leaving Fiona watching the kids as they raided the sweet jar.
Oi, you lot! Max was in charge. Everyone gets their share! Auntie Fi, why are you so sad? Have a sweet, it helps!
Looking into that cheeky, loving boys eyes, Fiona made a decision most people wouldve called daft.
Youve lost the plot! Gill looked down at the legal papers, shaking her head. I cant
Yes, you can! Fiona grinned at the notary. Its right, Gill. Nan would approve. You raise wonderful childrenthey deserve a home. For now, this one. Later? Who knows.
So Nans flat went to Gill, and the whole odd family began waiting for the twins.
Sasha and Maisie arrived bang on timetiny, but full of healthy lungs and immediately letting the world know it.
Got a pair of singers here, Mrs. Collins! Whatll their names be?
One after NanAlexandra. The other after my auntMary.
She must be a marvellous woman, your aunt, if youre naming a daughter after her?
She is. If it werent for her, these girls wouldnt be here.
The day Gill left hospital, Fiona and the kids met them at the door.
Thats us, even bigger now! Fiona whispered, peeking into the lace-wrapped bundle. What gorgeous girls.
Hope theyre happy Gill cuddled her children, keeping secret the dread she felt.
If shed opened up sooner, gone straight to a doctor, things could have gone differently.
But what mother thinks about herself when theres babies to care for?
Gill took a turn for the worse a week after bringing the twins home. She called Max, who was getting ready for school, nodded at the cots.
Keep an eye on them. Ive rung 999. Call Fiona now. And dont start cryingdont scare Lizzie. Not yet
Gill couldnt be saved.
Her heart, which shed never complained about, failed.
Fiona had to make perhaps the hardest decision of all. But really, was there any decision at all?
Youre the only family left, Mrs. Collins, thats true said the weary social worker. But four more! And you already have two! Well need to think about it.
Fiona didnt argue.
There was really no argument. She could never let Max, Lizzie, and the twins go to a care home or another family. You have to take responsibility for your choices, Nan had always said. So that was that. The kids had to stay together. End of.
Dave stepped in, found a good lawyer, helped with all the paperwork, and looked after the children when Fiona was off dealing with officialdom.
Your wifes alright with this?
She is. Shes a mum too. Besides, she knows something, Fie.
Whats that?
Youd never take me back, right?
Right.
So shes not worried, then. Dave shrugged. “Fiona, are you sure about all this?
About what?
Six kids, love. Thats a lot.
Im sure of nothing, Dave. Im terrified. Honestly, Im panicking! But I cant do anything else, you see? Theyre all mine How do you divide them up? How do you give them away?
What are you scared of?
Seriously? What if I cant cope? Its just me, after all…
Its not! Not if youll let me help. I owe you. Remember? Dave brushed her tears away. Dont cry. Well manage, promise. And listen, Fie
What?
Ive never met a woman like you. Never met a person like you. People like you dont exist, you know that? If anyone can do it, its you.
Lets hope youre right, Dave.
I think someones listening, love. Your Nans up there, isnt she? Shell sort them out if they dont get it.
Oh, youre right! And just like that, Fiona managed a real smile.
After that, well life was tough.
Fiona held it together, but some nights shed let herself gocrying into her pillow, fists balled, biting the corner so none of the children could hear.
Nan, what am I supposed to do now? You always knew what to do
And somehow, memories would bring answerssometimes not the full solution, just a nudge in the right direction, but it was enough to see her through. The kids grew up. To them, nobody on this earth was closer than Fionathey knew whatever happened, she was the safe place, the one whod always understand, forgive if needed, and never, ever purposely cause them pain.
So, today, there was Sashaarms wrapped tight around that rescued cat, shaking her head stubbornly at a neighbours warning.
Fiona will throw you out with that beast! Look at it, Sashaits filthy! Bet its got mange! Leave it!
No! Sasha glanced helplessly at her big brother and then at the front door.
That morning, Fiona was getting ready to take the kids to the zoo. She got up early, made breakfast, marshalled her crew, and in one hectic hour had almost managed to get everyone out. She nipped back inside for a couple of minutes, putting Max in charge in the courtyard.
Take them on the swings, Max. Two minutes! Where did I leave that box of old trainers?
Try Lizzies wardrobe! She was tidying yesterday! Well be outside! Max herded his sisters out and called over his shoulder, Mum, you missed an eyelash, sort yourself out! Dont hurry, Ive got them.
Fiona dashed around, found the trainers, finished her makeup (even did her lipson a weekend!), laughed at herself in the mirrornormally only for work, why bother today? But, for some reason, she thought, why not look presentable for once? Life was full enough without giving up completely. May as well enjoy the outing.
Shed learned, over the years, to just let things beor, occasionally, treat herself.
You could spend every moment nagging, worrying, getting wound up about muddy t-shirts, or…
You could do it differently.
Buy yourself a cloud of candyfloss, let the kids have as many ice creams as they want, and declare,
Im off to see the elephantswhos coming?
And maybe remember those days with Nan at the zoo, sipping homemade squash, munching sandwiches on the old bench by the elephant house, holding her hand and wishing itd never end.
Now, it was Fiona making the squash, packing the sandwiches, and soonher kids would do the same for theirs, passing it on. Thats how it should be.
She glanced in the mirror one last time, grabbed her rucksack and dashed out.
The neighbour coming up the stairs gave her a sly grin.
Go on, love! Theres a surprise for you outside!
Sasha ran over, holding up her treasure.
Mum! Mum! Look! Isnt she beautiful?
And what could Fiona say to that?
Nothing, really.
She took the scrawny cat by the scruff, eyed her up and down, then sighed.
Zoos off. Weve got our very own tiger now. Max, wheres the nearest vets? Lets go!
And it turned out to be a wonderful day. They never did make it to the zoo that afternoon. They had more than enough to keep them busy. And that mangy, battered cat Sasha carried home in front of all the neighbours turned, a couple of months later, into a sleek, shining, purring thinga little extra drop of joy that filled their flat with a whole ocean of happiness.
No one was surprisednot Fiona, not the kids. Because for them, it was very simple, and always had been: where there is love, you can never have too much.
