I retired recently, and the feeling of being utterly alone has begun to creep in. Only now, in my later years, do I realise how poorly I spent my life.
Many women believe that loneliness is dreadful, and that true happiness comes from having a large family, loads of worries, and endless responsibilities. But I could never agree with that view. I spent my whole life purely for myself. No one ever expected anything from me. I never had any commitmentsno family obligations, no endless games of compromise.
After finishing university, I landed a job at a prominent travel agency in London, which specialised in international tourism. I also modelled for a reputable fashion company for a bit. I managed to earn a substantial sumenough to always feel comfortable. Several of my friends were in similarly successful positions; we were well-off and independent.
I considered myself a prosperous woman. I travelled all over the globe. There were men in my life, and I enjoyed their company, but when I grew bored or lost interest, I simply moved on. Children? The thought never really appealed. Did I truly want to give up my leisure for nappies and school runs? Did I want the fears and anxieties that seemed to bother every mother I knew? The truth is, the thought of such responsibility always frightened me.
Time passed in a blur. Now, as I settle into retirement, the reality hits me: I am absolutely and completely alone. I was never married, never became a mother. Suddenly, in this season of my life, I regret never having a childnot even one. At first, I didnt want it. Then I couldnt be bothered. Eventually I simply ran out of time. I never believed that motherhood was a great blessing for a woman.
Now I look at my sister, Margaret, with her two children and three grandchildren. I was always too proud, dismissing everyones advice. But how I long now to change things for the better: to make amends with my family, to spend time with my nephew and nieces. Maybe, if Im lucky, even meet a man whos just as lonely as I am and perhaps build a little family of our own. Is it too late? I wonder if Ill get another chance.
