Surprise! announced the relatives, sweeping into my birthday party without so much as an invitation. Likewise, I replied. And rememberwhoever arranges the surprise foots the bill.
Julia adjusted the strap of her emerald green dress in front of the mirror, casting a critical eye over her reflection before allowing herself a satisfied smile. Forty. A daunting number for some, but to Julia it meant freedom, financial independence, and finally the firm confidence to say no.
Jules, the cabs here! called out Boris, poking his head around the hallway door, admiring his wife with undisguised awe. You look absolutely smashing tonight. We really arent inviting anyone?
Boris, weve been through this, Julia said, picking up her clutch. No guests, no cooking, no just chop up a salad, would you dear? and no where are my slippers? Just you and me, a posh restaurant, and absolute peace. I want to eat my steak without your mums input on how to properly chew my food.
Boris laughed. He knew all too well that Julias relationship with Dianahis motherresembled a Cold War battle: long, frosty silences punctuated by barrages of unsolicited advice.
All right then. Your day, your rules, he agreed.
Theyd chosen The Golden Swan for its grandeurornate ceilings, velvet drapes, and a price tag steep enough to give any mere mortal a heart murmur. The ideal place to feel like queen of the night.
Hand in hand, they stepped into the restaurant, expecting a snug table by the window. The maître d, all toothy smiles, led them toward the back. Not to the window.
Your tables ready, he sang, gesturing to the centre of the dining room.
Julia froze, horrified. Instead of a quiet table for two, a massive table for twelve dominated the room. And it was most certainly not empty.
At the head of the table, regal as deposed royalty, sat Diana in her glittery top. Beside her, Uncle Victorseen once every five years if thatwas greedily shovelling caviar into his mouth. Across from them, Boriss sister, Hazel, dabbed sauce from her younger sons mouth while her seven-year-old banged a fork into an antique chair.
Surpriiise! trilled Diana, spotting the shell-shocked couple. Her voice bore the authority of someone whod spent decades behind the local council desk.
The entire restaurant turned to stare. Boris blanched and glanced at Julia, whose frosty glare could have curdled milk.
Mum? Boris croaked. What are you doing here?
What do you mean, what? Diana beamed, nearly toppling her glass. Its my lovely daughter-in-laws big birthday! Did you think wed leave the poor girl to celebrate alone? Were family! Come now, have a seatweve already started.
Julia marched to the table, eyeing the mound of smoked salmon, roast meats, bottles of expensive cognac, and oysters being spectated on suspiciously by Victor, who nonetheless devoured them with the enthusiasm of a digger on a building site.
Diana, Julia said evenly, we booked a table for two.
Oh dont be a spoil-sport! Hazel waved her off, filling her own glass. Mum rang ahead and let them know wed be more. There was a to-do, but it all worked out! Jules, do tellwhy such a revealing dress at forty? Isnt it time for subtlety? Skins not quite as peachy now, is it love?
Haze, youve got mayo on your chin, Julia replied coolly. And your son is about to tip the sauce bowl onto a genuine Georgian rug.
A crash of shattered china signalled that indeed, Hazels son had spilt a vase of flowers onto the floor.
No harm done! Diana declared. Smashed crockerys for good luck! Waiter, bring crab salad and the mains!
Julia took a seat, Boris shrinking beside her, battered by his wifes snipers stare.
So, you all decided to surprise me, Julia said calmly, unfolding her napkin.
Naturally! Diana was piling more sturgeon onto her plate. We know what youre likealways saving money, handling everything yourself. Tonight, we feast! Victor came all the way from Kent, missed a shift at work too!
I lift boxes for a living, did my back in, needed a rest anyway, Victor piped up. This cognac is total class, Jules. Not like your cheap plonk at New Years.
Their cheek grew bolder by the minute. Hazel loudly complained Julia should get on and have a babyYour clocks not ticking, darling, its hooting!and claimed that careers were for men, women should be cooking stews. Diana nodded along, ordering the priciest dishes.
Ill have lobster, the mother-in-law announced. Never tried it. And Hazel too. Boys can get the biggest pudding!
Mum, its quite dear Boris ventured quietly.
Hush! Diana silenced him with a wave. Its your wifes birthday! Dont be tight!
The evening reached its peak about an hour later. Diana, flushed from wine, rose for a toast, clinking her glass for silence.
Julia dear, she began with venom-laced warmth, youre forty now. Women’s years go quickly. I hope youll stop being so self-focussed. Take Hazelthree kids, husbands a drunk, yes, but shes practical. But you? Offices, fitness classes, its all about you. Still, we forgive you. To family!
To family! roared Victor.
Hazel giggled. Boris balled his fists, ready to jump in, but Julia covered his hand with hers and slowly stood. The room fell silent. Julias smile made the waiter retreat a cautious step.
Thank you, Diana, Julia declared, clear and loud. Youve been enlightening. I truly was selfish, thinking this day was about me. But youve shown me its about family.
Mother-in-law nodded smugly.
And since were on the subject of generosity and surprises Julia paused, then called, Waiter!
The young man was at their side instantly.
Could we have the bill, please? Julia said.
So soon? Hazel asked, lobster claw poised mid-air. We havent even had pudding!
Please, do enjoy it, Julia replied, sweet as pie.
The folder arrived. Julia opened it: the total could have bought a used Mini Cooper. The relatives had devoured enough in two hours to fund a small kingdom.
Blimey! Diana whistled. Boris, get your card out!
Julia snapped the folder shut and handed it back to the server.
Sir, Julia said, loud enough for the entire room, my husband and I have separate accounts. Please split the bill for two Caesar salads, two ribeye steaks, and still water. Thats what we ordered.
A hush fell. The drone of a lone fly hovering over an aspic was the only sound.
Pardon? Diana flushed crimson. Julia, is this some kind of joke?
No jokes. Julia tapped her card to the machine. Beep. Paid.
You cant be serious! Hazel wailed. Its your birthday! You invited us!
Me? Julia lifted her eyebrows. You said it yourselves: Surprise!
She stood, straightening her dress, towering over Diana.
You crashed my celebration, ordered what you fancied, insulted me on my own birthday. So, darlings. Surprises are perfectly lovely. But dont forget: the one who plans a surprise pays for it.
Boris! Diana shrieked, clutching her chest. Your wifes lost her mind! Do something! My blood pressure!
Boris rose from his chair, surveying the room. His eyes fell upon his mother, then Victor trying to hide a half-finished bottle of brandy under the table, and finally his sauce-stained sister and her unruly children.
Mum, he said, steady as stone, Julias right. If you wanted a party, youve had one. Enjoy it. Julia and I have other plans for the evening.
He gently took Julias arm and guided her away.
You ungrateful wretches! howled Diana, suddenly forgetting about her heart. Ill curse you both! May you never have a penny to your names! Hazel, call the police!
Theres no need for the police, the manager interjected, a broad-shouldered man with an earpiece, two bouncers looming behind him. But the bill must be settled. In full. At once.
Julia and Boris made for the door, the din of arguers echoing behind them.
I havent got that sort of cash! Hazel shrieked, flapping. Victor, you payyou ate the most!
Me?! Victor sputtered. I just had a salad! It was your mother ordering everything!
Who are you calling old? yelled Diana, lost for words.
Outside in the cool, brisk air, Julia breathed deep, the tension lifting from her shoulders.
How do you feel? Boris asked, softly wrapping an arm around her.
You know what? Julia grinned, truly at peace. Best birthday present Ive ever had. Its like taking off a rucksack full of bricks after ten years.
Theyll never let us forget this, Boris smirked.
Im counting on it, Julia replied. Now they know: a surprise can always bounce right back.
Epiloguea week later
Dianas number had long been blocked, but word spread quickly through family circles. Poetic justice struck instantly: none of the relatives had the cash on hand to pay. The restaurant row dragged on for hours.
The manager was a man of principle. Victor left behind his gold pocket watchfamily heirloom, his pride and joyalong with an IOU. Hazel had to ring her husband, who turned up in a rage, learning the bill wiped out his savings for winter tyres and gearbox repairs. Hazel would now be budgeting for a very long time.
And Diana? She tried to stage a fainting fit, clutching her chest, but the ambulance crew diagnosed nothing but a hangover and a massive case of overeating. She parted reluctantly with her emergency fund saved up for a fur coat.
But the real satisfaction wasnt just that. The relatives turned on each other. Hazel blamed Mum for orchestrating it, Diana reproached Victor for overindulging, Victor demanded his watch back. Their alliance against Julia imploded, gnawed apart from within.
Julia sipped coffee and read a book at her kitchen table. The house was quiet. The phone was silent. No one demanded money, no one offered advice, no one passed moral judgement.
Revenge, it turned out, is best served cold. And far better, still, when it comes with a separate bill.
