Dear Diary,
I dont have everything going smoothly, as Margaret keeps reminding me. Your stepdad never lets me have a word of peace, she says, and I can hear the frustration in her voice.
Whats your name, love? a stranger asks, leaning over me.
Poppy, I answer, a little shy. And you?
Im James. Your mother and I will be living together now. From today its you, me and your mum one family, he says, smiling.
Soon after, Margaret and I moved into Jamess flat in a spacious threebedroom house in Croydon. I got my own little room, and James was everso kind, constantly buying me sweets and toys. My real father, Thomas, only called when he wanted to argue with Margaret.
One evening Margaret told me that Thomas had started a new family and they were moving away. It hit me hard; I loved him. Margaret could shout at me and even spank me, but Thomas never did. I remember the day my parents split: Margaret screamed at Thomas, even threatened to hit him. The words she shouted still echo in my mind:
Dont think you were the first to put horns on meyouve been a deer for ages!
After that, Margaret packed our things and we went to stay with Grandma Rose. I could never understand why my father was said to have horns when he was bald and smoothhaired. By then Mum and Dad were truly over.
James stayed good to me until I started Year1. I never liked school, but I caused mischief during breaks, so they often called me into the classroom. Sometimes James had to go instead of Mum. He took my education seriously, tutoring me himself.
Youre nobody to me, so you cant teach me! I once retorted to Uncle Victor, echoing something Grandma Rose had said.
Im actually your dad, Poppy, because Im the one who feeds and clothes you, James replied calmly.
When I was ten, Thomas came back to town. By then I understood what putting horns on someone really meant. He probably liked his other wife, which is why he left, Mum had whispered then. Thomas asked for permission to see me, and mum agreed. The reunion felt oddly pleasant.
Girl, how are you doing? he asked.
Not great, I admitted. My stepdad is always on my case.
Youre nobody to him, so why does he raise his voice? he snapped.
Grandma says the same, and he doesnt care, I exaggerated, even though James never shouted at me. I just wanted him to worry about me.
Alright, Ill sort it out, he promised.
While strolling through HydePark we learned that most rides were for children onlyonly the carousel let kids ride alone, everything else required an adult. James refused to join. I hinted that my birthday was coming up and I dreamed of a new smartphone. When Mum dropped by, she told James he never raised his voice at me, but he still ignored my wishes.
Dads such a stingy old man! I complained to James. I wanted to go on a ride, but he wouldnt let me, and all he ever bought me was an icecream. We just walked in the park, nothing else. James, youre better than my dad.
He smiled, Well make up for Dads mistake and spend the weekend at the childrens fun centre.
That plan fell apart when James had to dash off to work for lunch, so we ended up back home instead of the waterpark. He also brushed off my hints about the smartphone.
Tata, James fooled me! I sobbed to my real dad over the phone. He said wed go to the childrens centre and only let us climb the ropes. He said I didnt deserve anything moreno waterpark, no new phone.
Even though it was a blatant lie, it strangely moved my dad. He bought me a cheap smartphone, not the fancy one Id hoped for, because he didnt have the funds for a topend model.
Couldnt you wait for your birthday? James asked.
I want a dog! I shouted.
But not a dog, he replied, youd have to walk it and youd still be lazy! His words sent me into a hysterical fit. I called Dad urgently, pleading, Dad, please take me away from them! James is only teasing and teaching me. I screamed.
The adults began arguing, and amidst the chaos I was sent to stay with Grandma Rose. Later, Mum arrived with her bags and announced she was divorcing James.
The adults finally saw through my scheming. My dad returned to his wife because she was pregnant. Now I wont get the smartphone, nor a dog, and Grandma Rose has already ruled out any cat.
It feels as if the world is shifting beneath my feet, and Im just trying to hold on to the few things that still feel like home.
PoppyI will carry the memory of every laugh and ache within me, hoping someday the pieces will finally fit together.
