Im With You
James, I dont know what to do! She just wont listen to anyone! Keeps insisting shes going to have this baby! A baby, James! Really? Shes only nineteen! Her whole life is ahead of her! Are we to let her just quit university and what then? Become a cleaner? Something needs to be done, and you must help me figure this out!
With what, Mum?
James voice was so cold that Irene nearly dropped her phone. Hed never spoken to her that way before. Hed always been her kind and gentle boy. And now what? What had she done wrong? Its not even her fault this happened, but Lilys! Some whirlwind romance, apparently! Foolish girl! She should have listened to her mother! But whats the point in complaining now? She had spoiled her, let her get away with everything, tried to be her mate And now Irene is reaping the consequences! All that nurturing, for this? But why? Why like this? James is such a wonderful son! Clever, polite, responsible! Always willing to help, always supportive. Even though he lives on his own now. Well, rightly sohes a grown man, after all. Time he started his own family, she used to say, but hes still single, and she would so love to look after some grandchildren. How much longer must she wait? When Lily was young, there was no time for reflectionschool runs, after school clubs, competitions all over the country. No time to worry about the passing years.
But now, her daughter is independent. She gave up sports, is barely home, always out with friends, at lecturesnow theres that fellow, too! Lord knows where she found such a one! Hes like a damp rag, not so much a man as a shadow! Irene saw right through him, but Lily was besotted, as always. Shes never been one to judge character. To her, everyones a good egg. Irene had tried explaining that there are hardly any genuinely good people about, but Lily just wouldnt have it. And now? See where its landed them? With Christmas round the corner, Irene has a pounding headache, and now James is speaking to her like a stranger. What is going on?
James, why are you speaking like that?
Where is she, Mum? James twisted the steering wheel, pulled into a side street and parked. The calm he was known for had vanished at the mention of the baby. His hands shook on the wheel, his eyes clouded, a scream rising in his chest, the same as back then But hed learned before that shouting changed nothing. He just needed to steady himself and do somethinganything! If not for his own lost child, at least for Lilys, so the baby would live. Oh, Mum, what are you doing? You always loved Lily more, shes your golden child, your little girl with those blue eyes and fair curls. Lily had always been strikingso delicate amidst the familys robust, round-faced children. At gatherings, all the aunts would sigh with envy, straightening their daughters bows and skirts.
When Lily first stepped onto the gym mat in her sparkly leotard, toes pointed, everyone saw she was meant for more than just being pleasing to the eye. Their mother focused on Lilys gymnastics, and James, at last free of his mums fussing, started building his own life. Irene adored James, toothe pride of her heartnever missing a chance to let everyone know just how marvellous her boy was.
Hes just won the Physics Olympiad! Yes, the top prize, so we dont need to worry about his future. A genius! And his Maths results will be just as good, youll see!
Irene never noticed the tight-lipped looks her boasting drew, firmly maintaining her own rose-tinted world, full of bright, beautiful children, a loving husband, a satisfying (if occasional) job teaching English. And there was always a queue of parents willing to pay her high rates for tuition.
It depends on whats importantmoney or success. If you want your child to get into the right place, Ill see to it.
James sometimes marvelled at how his mum managed it allLilys clubs, running the house, and work. She was the consummate organiser, and she instilled that in him, too; he planned his days in minute detail. But todays news from Mum had knocked him sideways.
How long since hed heard that other time
Im pregnant. But Im not keeping it. Im too young, not ready. Its your responsibility. Ive found a clinic, the rest is up to you.
God, how theyd argued, he and Sophie. For the first time in three yearsthree years!hed shouted so much the windows rattled. He was livid and lost as to how this was his fault. Hadnt he asked Sophie again and again to marry him, start a family, since he could afford a flat, a car, a decent if small business? What more did she want? He wasnt a tycoon, but nor was Sophie a fairy-tale princess! Just a girl from a village with a name James could never pronounce without Sophie in stitches. Theyd got together nearly straight away, after she stormed into him in the university hallway while he was scribbling equations on the plaster wall.
Why are you just standing there? Paper shortage in this country? Must you draw on the walls? Do you do this at home, too?
Having barked at himstanding barefoot after her heel brokeSophie scampered off to her exam. James followed, bewitched, unable to look away from her graceful figure.
After she finished, Sophie grabbed James arm and waved her exam book.
An A! Weve got to celebrate. Any ideas?
They dated for over a year before moving in. James had been caring for his granddad, since his mother was away so much with Lily and his dad vanished at work. When granddad died, the family decided his small flat was too cramped, but honestly James didnt careafter granddad left, he didnt want to stay anyway. He missed him terribly, listening for his gruff Oi, student! Made you breakfast. Granddad was tough as old boots, a career tugboat captain, until grandma went. After, he faded quickly.
Ill stay on for your sake. I want to see what comes of you. Then Ill go; shes waiting, my dove.
Why did she never scold you, Granddad?
Shed just shake her head and say, What a to-do, Jamie, simmer down. Not a reproach, never a row. Its easier to miss someone youve forgiven, you know?
James realised then what real love wasresilient, enduring, untouched by time or distance. Hed hoped for something like that with Sophie but knew it would never be, not after seeing her coolly demand his bank card for the clinic. She took it herselfpacked up, snatched his wallet, and left with a slammed door. James only came to after the bank notified him a large sum was withdrawn. He cancelled the card and went to his parents.
His mum fretted; his dad cut through the drama quietly, patting James on the shoulder.
Help if you need it, son. Were here.
He never told them what really happened, just that he and Sophie broke upno point giving his mother more fuel for her outrage. Let her believe he ended things; easier that way.
He retreated to his little room, sat for hours on his battered old sofa, his mind weighed down with dark, sticky thoughts. What light could there be in that kind of darkness?
The light found him in the endLily peeked in, then slipped quietly to sit on the rug, folding her long, delicate limbs, gently brushing away his tears.
Youre not alright, are you, Jamie? Tell me what I can do. I just want to help.
Just sit with me. So I dont do anything stupid.
She stayed. Sat with him all night, till the alarm and Mum noticed Lily hadnt come back to her room. She never knew theyd sat in silence for half a night, then, finally, talked until sunrise. Suddenly, his ditzy little sister had become a wise soul, full of warmth and sense beyond her sixteen years. Lily didnt spout clichés, but James saw life wasnt overthere might even be good things ahead.
Lily, you should be a therapist!
She blushedhed guessed her secret wish, even if Mum wanted a future Olympian, pouring everything into Lilys training. One day Irene swept in, tutted that Lily wasnt up and washed, ruffled James hair (knowing how he hated that), and whirled off to cook breakfast.
That day, Lily won her competitionmoved so beautifully to the music that the judges exchanged glances. She poured all her own pain, confusion, and hopepicked up from her brother overnightinto her routine. It might have been the launchpad to a sporting career; soon talks were under way to send her to London for specialist coaching. But then disaster struck.
Coming home from training, Lily failed to notice two lads following her. She was on footdad was late from work, and she refused to call James, determined not to make a fuss. She was almost by the block of flats, barely ten minutes walk. Miss, wait up! Dont be so haughty, give us a smile! Rex, get her! The beasts snarl behind her made Lily speed up, but she remembered: never run. Not with a dog. The porch was only steps away, lights on, people inside. But shed forgotten about the frostone slip and she skidded down the stone steps.
She woke in hospital, Mum pale and hollow-eyed beside her, rocking silently, gaze fixed. Lilys head hummed; her legs ached.
Mum
Youre awake, darling? Irenes eyes were so swollen with weeping she could hardly see. Oh Lily, why
Lily never knew if Mum felt worse about her broken bones or her sports career, now finished. There wasnt a trace of real sympathy, and though Lily had never wanted pity, in that moment she just wished her mother would hold her tight and say, My darling, hang on. It will get better.
That comfort came instead from James.
Chin up, shorty! I might just bring you the worlds biggest cakeyou can live on it now! Or Ill carry you for a walk; you can throw snowballs at me from a bench! Now come on, dont sulk. Well get you some pretty new crutches to prepare for university. Still fancy psychology?
He hugged Lily, and she hid in his arms like a cocoon. It eased the pain a little.
Recovery was slow, but by the second year, Lily could walk nearly as before. Her stride was less graceful, sometimes she felt like the Little Mermaid, but at least she no longer needed her pastel pink crutchesJames had had them custom-painted at an auto shop. She wanted to keep them as a trophy, but after joining a volunteer team searching for missing children, Lily realised others had it far worse. She passed the crutches to Helen, the teams cheerful organiser, wheelchair-bound since childhood but somehow at the centre of everything, coordinating efforts from her flat.
Dont you get sick of all this, Helen?
But what would quiet ever give me, eh? Here, I matter. Im alivethats enough, isnt it?
Lily met Tom in the team. Mum was right in some wayshe was quiet, easy to overlook, always helping, doing the work of several people. Lily knew his story; she never told Mum, knowing shed never approve. In her mind, Tom was beneath Lily.
Tom joined when his stepdad went missing. Hed spent a day searching before the police told him to wait the statutory three days before filing a report, and only volunteers would help.
His stepdad, Gerald, had become the dad hed never known. Toms mother, Zena, was left pregnant when Toms biological father disappeared, never even married. Grandparents brought Tom home, determined to raise him as their own. Zena went away for work, sending the odd cheque or postcard. He hardly remembered her when she returned with a new husband, only to suffer under a cold, harsh stepdad, so much so that after a row at school, Tom ran away and his granddad rescued him. A year later, his mother split from her husband. Clashing personalities, love. Sorry, Tom. He didnt return, and his mum didnt really try.
Gerald arrived soon after. Friends urged Zena not to let the chance slipa kind older widower, ready to take on the boy. Tom was wary, but what changed everything was going fishing with Geraldno deep chats, just peaceful company, catching the sunrise. Gerald understood, and after that they never fished alone.
Gerald became Toms father in every way. When Zena died, Gerald adopted Tom officially. Youre not alone, son, hed say, drawing Tom into a rare, awkward hug.
Gerald disappeared on a cold night, just a call to say hed be late, could Tom pick up some bread? He was last seen on a nearly empty bus, mistaken for someone else by the driver. Tom tried to file a report, to no avail, until someone pointed him to the volunteer group.
They searched with him. But Gerald was found in the park, only yards from home, having collapsed, the winter cold finishing what his health began. Why hed left the bus early, why the park, would never be known.
Next day, Tom asked Helen, What can I do to help?
Lily introduced Tom to James almost at once.
I think I really like him, James. Possible more than like.
And thats good, right?
I think so.
Is he a good bloke?
I think so, yes
James agreed. Odd couple, perhapslilting, angelic Lily and unremarkable Tombut what mattered was his heart.
Long as hes a good man, thats all.
Mum huffed, Dad peered over his glasses and after a pause, nodded. Well see.
Theyd seen all right.
James started the car. He had to find Lily. She wouldnt do anything silly, but after that row with Mum, you never knew. Irene hadnt listened, of that he was sureand she didnt know Tom was gone. But the baby was on the way
It was a stupid, horrible accidenta quiet, thoughtful lad gone in a flash. Tom had been walking home late, speaking to Lily on the phone, and stepped blindly into the road, forgetting to use the zebra crossing, his coat dark against the night. There was no blaming the driverJames knew that stretch, the lighting was atrocious.
It happened two days ago. Tomorrow was the funeral, and Lily still hadnt told their parents. Shed shut down, locked herself away.
The tears wont come, Jamie. I just whimper into my pillow so they dont hear me.
Have you told them?
I cant. Mum will start all over again I cant face it now
Why she didnt tell him about the baby, hed never know. Perhaps she didnt know herself, or couldnt cope.
Too many questions, and no answers.
Helens flat was, as always, unlocked. James gave the kitchen door a soft knock. Helen, glancing back from her chopping board, said, Shes in my room, waiting for you.
He didnt turn the light onif Lily had been crying, her eyes would hurt.
Jamie…
Im here.
Good
Her sigh was so quiet, so heartbreaking, that James went over and scooped her up, blanketed and all, from the narrow bed, hugging her tight.
Dont be frightened, little one. Im with you! Well manage. It seems impossible now, but itll be alright. Youll have a baby, a new start. Itll be a wonderful child, because with parents like that, how could it not be?
Finally, Lily burst into tears, gripping her brother like a lifeline.
You should be a counsellor, Jamie Youd be so good at it Im in such a hole Oh, if only you knew how much
That night, James took Lily home with him. He told their parents that Lily would be living with him, and if they didnt want to lose both their children, theyd have to accept Lily making her own choices.
After that, things were never easyLilys sickness lasted almost up to the birth, and endless family negotiations followed. But little by little, the parents had to let their children go. Mostly, it was Irene who fussed; their dad, quietly visiting behind Irenes back, helped Lily prepare for the baby and found her a superb doctor.
Baby Victoria arrived at dawn, after a long, exhausting night that left the midwife smiling at the babys hearty wail.
Well, listen to that! Mums a sprite, and daughters got lungs like a tuba! Wonder where she gets it from?
Her father Lily gazed at her little girl, smiled. New life at last… And maybe Tom would live on in this little soul, for Victorias eyes were nothing like the familys. James would carry that part, but Victoria would be Toms legacy.
Three years later.
Vicky! Come here, Ive got a present for you!
Jamie! Another one? Lily peeked out from the kitchen, her hands dusted in flour. Its New Year, not her birthday. Stop spoiling my child!
My right as uncle and godfather! One from the family, and one from me!
Vicky left the long-suffering cat, who sprawled across the rug in the lounge, far more tolerant than most felines. James had sold his own place and pooled the money to buy two little one-bed flats in a new blockone for Lily and Vicky, one for himselfso he could always be close to them.
Vickys eyes, Toms eyesso brightwatched as James opened the box, revealing shiny glass ornaments.
Do you like them?
She stroked each one with a finger.
Can I?
Of course, sweetheart. Lets hang them on the tree.
Lily wiped her hands, coming in as James held Vicky up to hang the Nutcracker. Wow, Jamie! Theyre brilliant! Butglass! What if they smash?
No bother. I know where to find more. Besides, look how happy she is!
The little girl sat by the tree, one arm around the cat, whispering her story, too long to finish before bedtime, afraid her patient listener would wander off before hearing the end. She had seen the ballet just yesterday, with Jamie taking them to the theatrea magical day. She spent all day dancing, trying to mimic the ballerinas.
I think were surplus to requirements, Lil. See? And you said she wouldnt like it.
I thought she was too little to sit still. Shows what I know. My girls the calmest
James raised an eyebrow. Ill remind you of that when bedtime comes. Will you feed me? Have to get back to work by evening.
Youre not staying? Mum and Dad will be here soon.
Let them have time with their granddaughter. Ill be back later. Someones got to rescue the cat.
Did you hear? Mums found a ballet class for Vicky!
Oh, blimey.
Right? What are we going to do?
Well channel Grandmas energy, somehow.
And if not?
Well, youre her mum, and Ill fight your corner. She wont win with us both.
You think?
Im certain! Now, will I get fed?
You will! Cheeky devil. When will I find you a wife, so someone else can feed you?
Lily dodged his playful swipe and ran laughing from the room.
Have you conspired with Mum? Dont you start! Id like some nephews myself, you know!
Oh, women!
The little Clara figure turned on the tree, jostled by a small hand. Vicky hummed a tune, then leapt up to dance, the cat making way forwho knowsperhaps the future Margot Fonteyn
Tonight, watching my sister and her girl, I remembered that, no matter what life throws at you or how lost you feel, all that matters is to stand by those you love, and never let them feel alone. Thats what truly keeps us going.
