Yesterday my girlfriend told me:
“Ben, the lads are coming over on Saturday. Do you think you could stay with your folks that night?”
I froze, mug in hand.
“Again, Lucy?”
She replied, “Yes It’s our regular monthly thing, you know that.”
And I did. Every month her mates pile round to ours for board game night, and every time she asks me to leave our flat for the night. We’ve been living together two years nowI’m thirty-four, she’s thirty-one. All her friends are about the same age, everyone has a partner. Yet somehow, its always me who has to disappear when they’re here.
So I head off to my grans, my parents or a mates placelike a child being sent elsewhere so the adults can have their fun. Its honestly humiliating.
The First “Man-Free Night”
This all started about a year and a half ago, right after we moved in together.
Lucy said, “The girls are coming over on Saturday for board games. Could you go out for the night?”
I was a bit surprised: “Why? Its our flat.”
She said, “Were having a girls nightjust us, no lads about. Youd feel awkward.”
I asked, “What about the others’ partners? Where do they go?”
“They live separately, or they just give us space. We live together, so you’ll be in the way.”
I thought, “Alright, let them have their fun this time.” I went to see a mate.
When I got back, Lucy was delighted: “Thanks for going out, we had a great night.”
A month later: “The girls are coming, could you go to your parents?”
So to my parents I went.
The following monthgrans house.
Next monthmy mate Adams.
And so it’s gone: once a month for a year and a half, I leave my own home for “girls’ night.”
What Really Got to Me
I only recently discovered that the other blokes dont actually get booted out of their homes for their partners board game nights.
I asked Hannah, whos dating Lucys friend Amy, “Hannah, where do you go when they have these board game nights?”
She looked confused, “Nowhere. I just hang out in another room or do my own thing at home.”
“They dont ask you to leave?”
“Why would they? Its my place too.”
I spoke to two more guys. Neither gets asked to disappear. Just me.
So I asked Lucy outright: “Why do the others get to stay at home while you keep asking me to leave?”
She hesitated, “Well their flats have two or three bedrooms, so their partners can do their own thing. Ours is a one-bed, youd be stuck in the same room.”
“I dont mind,” I told her. “I can whack in some headphones and read.”
But she insisted, “No, its better if you go. Its more comfortable for everyone.”
For “everyone.” But not for me. Clearly, things are easier for them when Im not around.
Whats Properly Humiliating Is Leaving My Own Home
Every time I pack a bag for the night, I feel like a stranger in my own flat. I pay half the rentits my home too. Yet once a month I get told to clear off for a “man-free night.”
When I stay at my grans with a holdall, she always asks, “Have you and Lucy fallen out again?”
Im embarrassed to explain Im only there because Lucy wants her friends round without me.
I stay with my parents; Mums baffled, “Werent you here yesterday? Back again?”
“Lucys having a girls night,” I say, and she just gives me that look.
The Thing That Hurts: Double Standards
Lucy often says Im “low maintenance.” She reckons shes lucky, because apparently “other guys expect fancy restaurants, posh gifts, weekends away.”
“Other couples are out at pubs two, three nights a week,” she says, “But you never ask, youre so easy-going.”
Its true, I dont ask. We might pop to the café once a month. Weve never had a holiday together.
“Other couples go travelling every six months,” she says, “but youre not fussed. Well done, you.”
I know its partly down to cashthough, honestly, Lucy earns a decent wage.
But the one time I ask to stay in our flat for a change, suddenly I’m “demanding.”
“Cant you just go out this one night a month?” she’ll ask. “Its not hard.”
No, not hard. Just pack up my things, leave my own place, and bunk at someone elses for the nightso she can have a girls-only evening.
I dont ask for dinners or holidays. But it seems expecting to be in my own home is too much.
Her Mum: A Voice of Reason
Recently her mum found out and asked, “Why do you go? Its your home, Ben. Stay and meet Lucys friends!”
I told her, “Theyre doing a girls-only night, Id feel awkward.”
She shook her head, “Youre her partner, you should be part of her life, her circle. If shes hiding you from her friends, thats odd.”
Shes right. After two years together, I barely know Lucys mates. Ive only glimpsed them in passing when Im on my way out.
Honestly, Im uncomfortable around new people. I feel a bit socially awkward and its easier just to leave. Maybe Im scared theyll wonder, “Whys he always leaving? Is Lucy trying to get rid of him?”
What I Recently Learned: Hes Not Always Invited
I also found out that when Lucy cant make a gatheringbusy at work or feeling unwellher friends meet up without her and dont invite her.
“How come they all met up without you?” I asked.
“I couldnt go, so they just carried on.”
“They didnt invite you anyway?”
“No, guess they forgot.”
Or didnt want to. And as it turns out, several friends have had weddings recently. Lucy wasnt invited to a single one.
“Why didnt you get an invite to Amys wedding?”
“I dont know, maybe they had a tight budget.”
Was it the money, or is Lucy not as close to them as she thinks?
She organises these nights, kicks me out for their comfort, but they dont even have her at their big moments.
Realising Im Afraid to Ask For More
This past week, Ive been questioning everything: Why dont I ask for a dinner out or a weekend away? Why do I always agree to leave home?
Because Im scared. Scared shell walk out if I start pushing back.
Lucy always praises me for being “laid-back,” and honestly, Ive been worried about ruining that image, worried to be seen as “difficult” or demanding.
So I go. For her convenience. Because I dont want to lose her.
But the longer this goes on, the more I realise Im losing myself.
Where I Am Now: At a Crossroads
Saturday is nearly hereanother “man-free night.” Lucy has already hinted, “Youll stay at your parents, wont you?”
Im silent. Thinking. Do I go, as usual? Keep giving in, showing my boundaries dont count?
Or do I stay and deal with the inevitable argument? Lucy will say, “Youre being difficult, youre ruining the evening.”
And honestly, I cant decide whats worse: leaving my own place or being made to feel guilty for wanting to stay.
But one thing is clear: this cant go on.
Have any of you had to leave your own home so your partner can have their friends over? How did you handle it?
Lads, tell me: why hold “women-free” nights and ask your partner to leave her own flat?
And ladies, have you ever dated someone who praised you for “not being demanding”? Where does that end up?
Fellas, if your mates dont invite you to weddings, but youre still inviting them into your homecan you call that real friendship?
