Yesterday, my boyfriend said to me:
The lads are coming over on Saturday. Could you pop round to your parents?
I froze, teacup in hand.
Richard, again?
Well, yes. Its our monthly get-together, you know that, he replied.
Of course I knew. Once a month, his friends come round to ours to play board games, and every time, he asks me to spend the night somewhere else. Weve lived together for two years now. Im thirty-one, hes thirty-four. All his mates are in their thirties, most with wives or girlfriends. But for some reason, I always have to vacate when they decide to have their boys night.
So off I go to my grans, my parents, or sometimes a friends feeling like a schoolgirl being packed off to a sleepover so the adults can have fun. And honestly, its humiliating.
The First No Girls Allowed Night
It all started about eighteen months ago. Wed only just moved in together.
Richard said, The boys are coming over Saturday for board games. Mind heading out for the evening?
I was surprised. Why? Its our place, after all.
Were having a lads night. Just the guys no distractions, he explained.
What about the other girlfriends? Are they going too?
No. But they dont live together. Since we do, it might be awkward for you.
I thought, Fine, let them have their fun this once. So I stayed with my friend that night.
Richard came home beaming, Thanks for heading out. We had a great time.
A month later, the same drill: The lads are coming Saturday. Can you go to your parents?
So I went to Mum and Dads.
The month after that was Grans turn.
The next, back to a friends.
And so its been, for a year and a half: every month, I pack my bag and leave my own home for his day without women.
What Gets to Me
Recently, I found out the other girlfriends dont get asked to leave when their blokes have mates round.
I asked Sally, whos dating Mark, one of Richards friends.
Sally, where do you go when they play board games?
She looked at me, unimpressed. Nowhere. I just get on with my own stuff and they play in the lounge.
They dont ask you to leave?
Why would they? Its my home too.
I spoke to two more. None of them leaves. Just me.
So I confronted Richard.
Why do the others stay, but you always ask me to leave?
He thought for a moment. Well Their flats are bigger, two or three rooms. The girls have space to themselves. Ours is a one-bed; itd be uncomfortable for you.
Im fine. I can read a book with headphones in.
No, better you go. Its just easier for everyone.
Everyone. Not me. Its easier for them if Im gone.
Being Forced Out of My Own Home
Every time I pack an overnight bag, I feel like a stranger in my own place. I pay half the rent it is my home but once a month, Im politely asked to leave so the boys can take over.
I turn up at Grans with a bag, and she always asks, Have you two had a row again?
No, Gran. Richards got the boys round.
Why arent you at home, love?
And I feel too embarrassed to explain that my boyfriend asks me to make myself scarce for his comfort.
At home, Mums curious: Werent you just here yesterday? Youre back again?
Richards doing his boys night, I reply.
She doesnt say anything, but her look says it all.
Double Standards
Richard always tells me how low-maintenance I am. That hes lucky other women demand dinners, gifts, holidays abroad.
Most couples go out to restaurants twice a week, he says. But youre not fussy you understand.
Yes, I dont ask for much. Once a month, maybe a coffee or lunch out. Two years together, and not a single holiday.
Other couples travel every six months, he goes on. But you never complain. Thats good.
No, I dont complain I know he earns plenty, but we never have the money, apparently.
But when I ask, just once, to stay home for a game night, suddenly Im demanding.
You can spend one night a month elsewhere, cant you? Its not that hard.
No, its not hard just pack, leave my home, and stay with family because he needs the place to himself.
I dont ask for restaurants. I dont demand trips. But the right simply to stay in my own flat? Thats apparently too much.
What His Mum Said
Recently, his mum found out and said, Why are you leaving? Its your home too. Stay and get to know Richards friends.
I tried to explain, Its just a guys only thing. Id feel a bit awkward.
She shook her head. Youre his girlfriend. You should be part of his life and his crowd. If hes hiding you, thats odd.
Shes right. Weve been together two years, and I barely know his mates. I only ever see them in passing when Im heading out the door.
Honestly, I do get anxious around new people, so its easier to leave than stay and feel awkward. Or maybe, deep down, Im afraid theyll wonder, Whys she always leaving? Is Richard kicking her out?
What Ive Realised About His Friendships
Theres more. If Richard cant make it to see his friends work or illness or whatever the lads meet up anyway and dont invite him.
I asked, Why did they go without you?
I couldnt make it, so they met up anyway.
They didnt invite you?
No. Maybe they just forgot.
Forgot, or didnt bother. I also learnt that three of their weddings have happened, but Richard wasnt invited to any.
Why werent you at Marks wedding? I asked.
No idea. Maybe they couldnt afford extra guests.
Not the budget, surely. Maybe hes just not as close to them as he thinks.
He boots me out for their sake every month, but they dont even invite him to their weddings.
Why I Dont Demand More
This past week Ive been wondering: why dont I ask for dinners out, or holidays? Why do I accept leaving my flat once a month?
Because Im scared. Scared that if I start asking, hell break things off.
Richard keeps praising me for being so easygoing, and Im afraid to shatter that image. I dont want to be the difficult girlfriend.
So I just go for his convenience. Because Im afraid to lose him.
But the more I think about it, the more I feel: Im losing myself instead.
Where I Am Now
Saturday is coming. Another no girls allowed night. Richard has already hinted, Youll head to your parents, yeah?
I just keep quiet. Do I go, or do I stay put?
If I go nothing changes. I give in, like always, showing that my boundaries dont matter.
If I stay therell be a row. Richard will accuse me of being demanding and ruining things.
And Im not sure whats worse: leaving my home, or staying and feeling guilty.
But I do know this much: something has to change.
Ladies, have you ever been asked to leave your own home while your boyfriend had the lads over? How did you deal with it?
Gents, can you explain the no girls allowed nights and why youd ask your partner to leave her own place?
Ladies, have you been with men who praise you for how chilled out you are and what does that really lead to?
Gents, if your mates dont invite you to their weddings but you host them at yours, is that real friendship?
