Last night, my boyfriend told me:
The chaps are getting together on Saturday. Could you pop to your parents for the weekend?
I froze, still clutching my mug. Charlie, again?
Well, yes. Its the usual thing, once a month, you know that, he replied.
I did know. Every month, his mates come over to play board games, and every time, he asks me to leave our place for the night. Weve lived together for two years now. Im thirty-one, hes thirty-four. All his friends are about the same agethirty, thirty-fivemost with wives or girlfriends. Yet, somehow, its only ever me asked to clear off when the boys gather.
So off I go, trundling to my mums, grandmas, or my friends, feeling like a child whos been sent away to let the adults have their party. And its embarrassing.
*The First No Girls Allowed Evening*
A year and a half ago, it started. Wed just moved in together.
Charlie said, The lads are coming round Saturday. Well be playing board games. Could you stay somewhere else for the night?
I was shocked. Why? This is our flat.
We need a men-only evening. Just the boys, so no one feels awkward.
And do the other girlfriends leave as well?
No, but they dont live together. If you stayed, you might feel put out.
I thought, Fine, let them relax, its the first time. So I spent the night at my friends.
Charlie came home beaming, Thanks for going out. We had a cracking night.
A month later, another invite for me to move outthis time to my mums. Then to my grans. Then my friends again. And so its been, month after month; I leave my own home, all for these strange boys nights in.
*What really stings*
Recently, I discovered the other girlfriends dont leave their places when the lads get together.
I asked one of them, EllieToms girlfriendEllie, what do you do when they all come over for games?
She looked at me, surprised, Nothing. I stay in, get on with what I like. They play in the next room.
No one asks you to go?
Why would they? Its my home too.
I checked with two more girlfriends. Same story. They never leave. Just me.
I confronted Charlie: Why am I the only one who gets asked to go?
He hesitated, Their flats are biggertwo, three rooms. They set up in one, girlfriends stay in another. Ours is just the one room. Youd be left shuffling about.
I dont mind. Ill read with headphones.
No, best you head off. Its easier for everyone that way.
Everyone. Not me. Its easier for them, if Im nowhere to be seen.
*The humiliation of leaving my own home*
Each time I pack a weekend bag, I feel like a stranger in my own flat. I pay half the rent, its my home too, yet once a month Im asked to get lost so he can have his lads night.
When I roll up at Grans, she asks, Had a spat again?
No, Gran. Charlies having his mates over.
So why arent you at home?
Its mortifying to admit: Ive been shooed out so he can have the house to himself.
At Mums, its the same:
You were here yesterday, love. Back again?
Its Charlies men only day, I reply.
Mum gives me that lookthe kind full of silent judgement.
*The pain of double standards*
Charlie insists Im easygoing. Says hes lucky: other girlfriends demand restaurants, holidays, expensive gifts.
Other couples are out for dinner twice a week, he says. You never fussso understanding.
Yes, I dont fuss. We go to a café maybe monthly. Weve never had a holiday together in two years.
Most couples go abroad at least once a year, he reminds me. But you never moan. So grateful.
No, I dont moanI know we cant afford it, though he earns well.
But the moment I dare ask to stay home even once a month, Im suddenly high-maintenance.
You can manage one night away, cant you? Its not difficult, is it? he says.
No, not difficultjust pack a bag, leave my own bed, beg a sleeping spot at mums because he wants a night with no women.
I dont ask for restaurants or trips away. But apparently, staying in my own flat is asking too much.
*His mum: the voice of reason*
Recently, his mum heard about all this.
Why do you go? Its your home. Stay and get to know Charlies friends.
I explained, They have a no-women rule. Id feel out of place.
She shook her head. Youre his partner. You should be in his life, part of his group. If hes hiding you from his friends, thats peculiar.
Shes right. Two years together and I hardly know his mates. I glimpse them in passingwhen Im on my way out. But Im always nervous of strangers, embarrassed. It feels easier to leave than sit in the corner. Or maybe Im scared theyll wonder: Why is she always leaving? Is Charlie throwing her out?
*What I found out: they dont invite him*
Bit by bit, Ive realised something odd. If Charlie cant make itwork or feeling poorlythe boys meet up without him and dont invite him back.
Why did they meet up without you? I asked.
I couldnt go, so they decided to meet anyway.
And they didnt invite you?
No. Guess they forgot.
Forgot. Or just didnt bother.
I also found out three of his friends have had weddings. Charlie wasnt invited to any.
Why didnt they ask you to Maxs wedding?
Dunno. Maybe the guest list was tight.
Or maybe hes not as close to them as he thinks.
There he is, bossing me out each month for their sakes, yet they wont even have him at their weddings.
*What I realised: Im afraid to ask*
All week, Ive been wondering: Why dont I ask for more? Why agree to leave my home for him?
Because Im scared. Scared that if I push backor want the simple things he says other women dohell leave.
Charlies always praising me for being so undemanding, and Im terrified of ruining it. Scared to seem difficult.
So I pack my bag and go. To keep things easy. To not lose him.
But the more I think, the more I seeIm losing myself.
*Where I am now: the choice*
Saturday, its that men only night again. Charlies already hinted, You will nip to your parents, wont you?
I sit in silence. Debating: should I go or stay?
If I go, nothing changes. I show my needs count for nothing.
If I stay, therell be a row. Youre spoiling the night, youve changed, hell say.
Im torn: leave my home or stay and feel like the villain.
But one things certain: this cant go on.
Ladies, have you ever been asked to leave when your blokes friends come round? How did you handle it?
Gents, whats the point of men only nights if your partner has to leave her own home?
Women, have you been praised for being easygoingwhere does that lead?
Men, if your mates dont invite you to their weddings but you host them every month, what sort of friendship is that?
