There wont be a wedding
Diary Entry
Ill never forget yesterday. I stepped into my bedroom and stopped in my tracks; there was Emily, standing by the window in her wedding dress, and for a moment, she looked like a picture from a bridal magazine. The dress was perfect, hugging her figure just so, and her face was lit up with a quiet kind of happiness that was almost fragile. I couldnt help blurting out, “Emily, you look absolutely radiant! Im so happy for you! Finally, youve let yourself move on from Nathan, opened your heart again Im proud of you!”
Instantly, her smile faded. She turned to fuss with the delicate buttons at her side, suddenly avoiding my gaze. I should take this off, she muttered. Theres only a fortnight until the wedding. If anything happens to the dress, Ill never find another quite like it in time.
I bit my lip, realising Id gone too far, bringing up Nathan just when she seemed ready for her new start. How could I have been so careless? Nathan wasnt worth another thoughtespecially after all hed done.
There was a time when Emily truly believed he was the one. She thought their love would last. But everything started to unravel: he became distant, made silly excuses not to see her, and then started criticising her choices, her friends, even her hopes. Hed persuaded her to leave a promising job project, talked her out of a secondment to Germany, then eventually pushed her into changing careers altogether.
Her family noticed. They watched her change, saw her slowly lose herself, but nothing they said seemed to help. Trying to talk only led to rowsNathan had convinced Emily that her family was the enemy, that they only wanted to interfere and break up their perfect love. Eventually, the tension became too much, and Emily barely spoke to her parents at all.
And then he left. No warning, no note, no apology. Just vanished, leaving behind a gaping woundand a child Emily decided to keep, come what may.
Its strange now, seeing her so carefully take off the wedding dress; I just wanted her to feel happy. Instead, I managed to reopen old wounds
Her son, little Nathan Jr, is now four. Hes such a lively childalways asking questions. One minute its why the skys blue, the next hes wondering where the clouds go, kneeling to poke at insects on the pavement. The teachers at his nursery mention his quick mind; he learns fast, remembers whole poems, sits through long stories with bright, wide eyes.
He spends most of his time with Emilys parentshe calls them Nana and Granddad. They dote on him, taking him to nursery and swimming and even dance classes. Emily only sees him a few times a week, never for more than an hour at a time.
Its painful, and the reason is obvious to anyone who knows. Nathan Jr is the very image of his father: the same dark curls, the same smile. Every time she sees her son, Emily is pulled back to the version of herself that believed in a family that would last. She loves her boy, is fiercely proud of him. But along with that love comes a deep, sharp ache. Holding him or gazing into his eyes brings tears that she tries to hide, pretending to fuss with his jumper or rummage in her handbag until hes not watching.
One evening, Emily went round to her parents’ after work. Nathan was on the rug, deep in his puzzle, brow furrowed in concentration. As soon as he spotted her, he leapt up, waving her over. Mum, look! I almost finished! Heres the cottage and a tree, and soon therell be a dog too!
Emily knelt beside him, smoothing his hair as she smiled. Its lovely, she told him. Youre very clever.
He looked thoughtful for a second, then peered up at her. Mum, wheres my dad? Everyone at nursery has a daddy but me
She froze for a moment. Inside, she must have felt crushed, but out loud she kept her voice gentle: I dont know, love. Hes far away now, but he does think of you.
Why doesnt he call? Nathans brow furrowed with the intensity of working out a real mystery. I could tell him I learned to tie my shoes!
Hes just very busy, she replied, her throat painfully tight. But Im sure hed be proud of you.
He considered that, then nodded, apparently satisfied. Alright. Ill finish my cottage, and when Dad comes, hell see how clever I am!
Emily just sat quietly by his side, fighting back tears, stroking his curly hair and hoping this happy moment would lasther son full of trust and joy, even as she struggled for answers.
But Emily cant keep herself from thinking about Nathan Sr. Sometimes she tries to explain it: maybe something dreadful happened to him, maybe hes in trouble, and thats why he hasnt come back. That kind of thinking keeps her going.
Her mum has gently hinted she should let go of the past, focus on her own life and her son. Friends have been more blunt: He left you. Time to accept that and move on! Emily would argue with them, trying to explain all the promises he made, the happiness theyd had. In the end, these talks always ended with Emily withdrawing, and her friends shrugging, uncertain how else to help her.
Still, Emily didnt just sit at home. Every once in a while, shed check his Facebook page, call old haunts, even post on local forums in case someone had news. Nothing ever turned up. Deep down, she wasnt ready to believe hed walk out on her for good.
And then, after five long years, someone new came into Emilys life. It was almost accidental; they met at a mutual friends birthday. His name was Mark, and he struck me as solid, in the best sense. A proper mankind and genuine, the sort who remembers what coffee you like and asks after your friends and quietly handles all the little nuisances of everyday life without fuss. He was devoted, and Emily, though maybe shed never have admitted it, enjoyed his steady affection.
She was particularly moved by how Mark won over Nathan. Their first meeting, Nathan hovered behind Emily, sceptical, but Mark knelt down so they were eye-to-eye and asked which cartoons he liked. Half an hour later, they were building with Lego bricks together, Nathan proudly showing off his toys.
Mark became a regular at her parents’ house, treating Nathan to park trips, teaching him to ride his bike, reading him bedtime stories. On one occasion, he told Emilyquite calmlythat, if she was willing, hed like to be Nathans proper dad. Even offered to adopt him officially.
I was genuinely happy for Emily, seeing her start to changethe sparkle coming back to her eyes, the anxious furrow fading from her brow. But yesterday, after I accidentally mentioned Nathan Sr., I worried Id set her back.
But no. She just smiled wryly as she folded the dress neatly. Ive grown up, she said. I know now my feelings for Nathan belong in the past. Part of me regrets naming my son after him. I was stubborn then, wouldnt listen to anyone How did any of you put up with me?
I reached out and squeezed her hand. Are you thinking about bringing Nathan to live with you?
Yes, she replied, face serious. Mark thinks its important. Hes even suggested we change Nathans name, to help me move forward. Wed have to redo the birth certificate after the adoption anyway.
She watched rain sliding down the windowpane for a moment. For a long time, I was terrified Nathan would always make me relive the past. But now I know I was wrong. Hes my son, and he deserves a proper childhoodwith two parents who love him. Nana and Granddad are wonderful, but they cant be his parents. And Mark gets that. He honestly wants to be Nathans dad. You should see the two of them together!
Thats a lovely idea, I said. Maybe you could let him pick a new namehed get used to the change much faster, that way.
She shrugged. Im not sure. Ill think about it.
But truly, Emily was lying to herself. She still loved Nathan, and nothing had changed that. Only, that love had brought her only pain. Her parents were running out of patience, her friends barely spoke with her, and it was clear she needed to let go of the pastperhaps now, before her wedding.
If only it were that easy
Mark was a good man, but he would never be Nathan. Emily didnt love himnot really. She just enjoyed having someone love her.
If only Nathan came back nothing else would matter.
*****
Yesterday, everything crashed down.
There wont be a wedding! Emily announced, eyes shining, voice light. Were splitting up, just ships passing in the night!
Mark stared at her, confused. The wedding was a week away. Theyd sorted flowers, food, guestseverything. Now she was calling it off?
What do you mean, no wedding? he asked, desperately hoping there was some misunderstanding, or a bad joke. Emily, whats happened? Tell me, please.
But she ignored his questions, flitting around the room, snatching things off shelves, stuffing them into a suitcase. Her face was aglow, her smile real for the first time in years.
Nathans back! she gasped, not meeting his eyes. Her happiness was so open, Marks heart dropped. He came yesterday, we talked it all through I cant even believe its real!
She finally turned to him, full of impatience, full of hope. Im grateful for everything these last six months. Youre wonderful, Mark. You made life calm, safe but I never really loved you. I cant pass up the chance for real happiness.
Mark felt numb, cold inside. Nathan. Always Nathan. He knew how Emily idolized her lost love. Hed hoped time and steady affection would change things, but they hadnt.
So youve spoken to him? he managed, barely able to get the words out. What was his excuse this time?
He didnt make any excuses, Emily snapped. He told me he made a mistake, that hes only ever thought of me!
She turned away, shoving socks and toiletries into her bag. Mark felt the world fading.
We spoke on the phone. His parents forced him to study abroad, apparently he didnt even have a way to contact me. But now, all thats donehes come back, and we can be together again!
Emilys mind was still ringing with their phone call: Nathans shaky voice, the apologies. My parents gave me an ultimatumuniversity in London or theyd cut me off. I tried to resist, honest I did but they blocked my cards, shut down my accounts, I didnt even have a working mobile.
Why didnt you call? Emily had choked out, struggling against the years of pain.
I couldnt. What would I have said? That I gave in to them?
Listening, Emily had felt warmth flood back. All the bitterness, all the months of heartache seemed to fade.
Im not going anywhere again, Nathan had promised. Im home, for good.
Now, standing in Marks flat, those words still made her heart race.
As she checked her packing, she finally registered Marks pale, still face. He looked like a man turned to stone.
Dont worry, she said briskly. Ive messaged everyone; I explained. Of course, people will want to check in, but youll manage.
She gripped her suitcase as though it was the most important thing in the room. And pleasedont call, dont text, dont leave voicemails. My decisions final.
She lifted the suitcase, nearly staggered under its weight, and strode to the door, determination stiffening her back.
Mark just watched, fists clenching and relaxing. He wanted to shout, to demand somethinganything. But pride held him in place. Maybe youre acting in haste, he said quietly.
She paused at the door, suitcase handle white-knuckled, not looking back.
What if he doesnt want to pick up where you left off? Or refuses to be Nathans dad? Did he even propose? Mark asked, stepping closer.
Emily spun round, cheeks flushed. Hes asked to talk seriouslythat means enough! And dont you dare try to make me doubt him. Hes not like that!
Her voice trembled, but she squared her shoulders and pulled the suitcase behind her again.
You could at least help, she muttered.
Mark automatically stepped forward as if to help, then stopped, realising the futility. She was already gonein every way that mattered.
The truth, though, was painfully simple: Nathans serious talk was never going to be a proposal or a promise. Hed moved onwith someone else.
Emily, swept up in her own longings, saw only what she wanted. Shed waited so long for Nathan that she was ready to believe in anything, just not another heartbreak.
Outside Marks flat, she paused at the door, hand on the handle. She nearly said something, but held back, opened the door, and left without a word.
Mark stood in the silence left behind. Her perfume lingered in the air, the final words echoing in his memory. Hes not like that!
He sank into a chair, strangled by loss. It had all happened so quickly, so finally. Somehow, hed have to learn to live with thiswith no Emily, no wedding, no hope.
*****************
Nathan was surprised by the morning knock at his door. He opened it to find Emily, suitcase in each hand, alight with hope. He stared, unable to make sense of it. How could she be so wrong?
Hed assumed it was all behind them. Once Emily started seeing Mark, hed relaxed at lastconvinced shed moved on, and he could rebuild his life quietly, at home, with his wife. Hed even called Emily, thinking it decent to clear the airthat was all.
Yet now she was at his door, expecting more.
Nathan! Emily cried, stepping forward. Ive decided. Im here. Were finally going to be together!
She sounded so certain, so sure. She moved closer, but Nathan instinctively held up a hand.
Emily, wait He tried to speak gently. You dont know everything.
She frowned, her smile faltering. What do you mean? We said wed talk things through!
Nathan took a deep breath, realising there was no avoiding it.
Im married, Emily. Have been for two years. My wife and I are really happy.
Emily froze. Her eyes widened in disbelief. She stood there for several seconds before her face crumpled, panic and outrage crashing through her.
What? she whispered, shaking her head. Thats not trueyou called, you said things would be different!
I called to say goodbye, he replied quietly. To tell you its time we let go. But you misunderstood, perhaps.
She stepped back, hands trembling, fists clenched. Tears started to build.
You lied to me! How could you? I left everything for you!
Nathans patience wore thin. I never promised you anything. You decided, not me. I didnt want to hurt you, so I tried to be gentlebut its over now.
She yelled and flung a suitcase to the floor, belongings spilling everywhere. She screamed, she demanded answers, louder and louder. Eventually, for lack of any other option, Nathan guided her out the door, neighbours started peeking. Only after an hour, after enough threats to call the police, did Emily finally leave. She turned, eyes full of tears, and cried back at the closed door: Ill be back! Youll regret this!
Nathan closed his eyes, exhausted. He knew this wasnt finished; Emily was persistent. Hed need to move. Maybe he could sell the flat and get somewhere far away.
*****
Emily wandered the streets as if in a fog. Tears blurred everything. In her mind, Nathan had been waiting for her, arms open, ready to start again. Instead, reality was cruela slap to the face.
Nothing made sense. Somehow, her feet carried her to Marks block. She wiped her cheeks, tidied her hairshe wanted to seem calm, at least.
It took a while for Mark to answer the door. When he did, his face was distant and hard. He didnt invite her in.
Mark, please, she said, her voice trembling. I know what I did was terrible. Im so sorry. I just want to make things right.
She hesitated, searching for words. Her tears welled up again.
I wont ever mention Nathans name again, I swear. This was a mistake. I know now that my happiness is with you. Please, give me a chance.
The desperation in her voice felt absolutely real. In that moment, she truly believed it.
Mark slowly shook his head. No. I cant.
Mark, please!
He kept his voice gentle, but there was a new firmness to it, a cold edge. Emily, a few hours ago you were packing to leavewith no question in your mind. You chose him.
But I was wrong! It was just she began to plead, but he raised a hand.
You left me for him. Now, when things havent worked out, you want to come back?
Yes, she almost shouted, because I love you. Only you
He was quiet, then let out a short laugh, sad and resigned. I cant trust your words anymore, Emily. Goodbye.
The bottom seemed to drop out of her world. He looked at her kindly, but with absolute certainty. She knew, in that moment, it was truly over.
Please she whispered, but nothing else came.
Im sorry. This is best for both of us, Mark said and closed the door.
She stood there for a long time, still and silent. Finally, she sat down on the stairs and weptnot with anger, but with the hollow grief of loss. Nathan and Mark were both gone, and she was left alone, unsure how to begin again.
