How to Start Over
Where do you think youre off to looking like that? asked Margaret, trying to keep her irritation in check. She threw a quick glance at the grandfather clock over the doorthe hands were closing in on eight oclock in the evening. Have you seen the time?
Jessica barely smiled, not taking her eyes from the mirror. Her fingers quickly tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and only then did she turn towards her mother, face composed. She was steeling herself for another difficult, awkward conversation, but shed learnt by now simply to let it wash over her.
Mum, Im not sixteen anymore, she replied calmly, her lips curling in a faint smile. Im a grown womanI dont need to check in with you. At least, not anymore.
Margarets face immediately stiffened. Tiny lines creased her forehead, her lips pressed into a thin line. How dare this girl speak to her this way? How could she act so shamelessly?
You do live under my roof, though! Margarets voice rose, rife with indignationher daughters cheek was intolerable. And tell me thiswhos meant to look after your son, then? If you think Ill run around after that disobedient eight-year-old of yours, who doesnt give me the time of day, youre sadly mistaken!
Every inch of Margarets posture radiated her displeasure with the situation. Her little girl was getting bold, standing her groundunder whose authority? Had she already forgotten crawling back home begging for help not so long ago?
I want to sit down, watch some TV, have my tea in peace, not Margaret threw her hands up, as if to encompass the chaos she imagined would erupt if she were left to mind her grandson. Not chase him round the flat, not beg him to do his homework, not listen to his sulking! Do you have any idea how exhausting it is? Every time its the same: he wont eat, hes bored, his homeworks suddenly the greatest injustice in history. And Im the one left to pick up the pieces?
Thats enough! Jessica snapped, her expression changing in an instant. The mild calm and ironic detachment that had only seconds ago played in her eyes vanished, replaced by steely resolve; her lips pressed together obstinately. Tom will stay over at Ellens tonight. And for the record, youll be the last person Id ever ask to look after my sonI dont want him copying your example. Children soak everything up, you know.
Margaret froze for a split second, as if she couldnt believe what she was hearing. Then, with melodramatic flair, she clutched at her chest as if felled by pain and tilted her head back in a gesture of utter offencebut so theatrical it would have been laughable if the atmosphere werent so tense.
Oh, thats how you talk to me now! she cried, her voice quivering as she strove to appear a deeply wounded martyr. And I bent over backwards for you, opened my doors when you came crawling back after your divorce! Made space for you, did everything for you, and this is what I get
She broke off, expecting some sign of remorse from her daughter, a softening perhaps. But Jessica barely flinched. She knew her mothers tricks far too well and wasnt about to fall for them.
And dont forget, a quarter of this house belongs to me, Jessica cut in, not giving Margaret a chance to continue her tirade. You arent the only owner around here. I have every right to live here, I dont need your say-so.
Jessica savoured the look of dumbfoundment on her mothers face. Hadnt seen that coming, had she? Still hoping for servility, expecting endless pleading?
And you have absolutely no right to make things difficult for me here, Jessica went on, a clear note of triumph creeping into her voice as if she was letting loose something pent-up. In her irritation, she nearly yanked the zip off her bag, double-checking shed packed everything. Her fingers trembled, but she forced herself to stay calm.
We wont be here much longer, anyway, she added, fixing Margaret square in the eyes. A couple of weeks, a month at the mostyou can manage that, then youll barely remember us.
Margaret gave a short, sharp laughand it was almost mocking. Her laughter ricocheted down the hall, making Jessica flinch. Margaret shook her head, folded her arms, and eyed her daughter with a look of contempt and thinly concealed satisfaction.
And where exactly are you going? she drawled, her voice dripping not just with derision but complete certainty she knew the answer. Youve got nothing! You cant even get a mortgageno money for a deposit and nowhere to get it from.
She paused, letting Jessica absorb the supposed hopelessness of her situation, before carrying on, slowly, as if hammering in every word:
Your clever husband put the house in his mothers name, so you got nothing out of your divorce. You were so naïve Im embarrassed to call you my daughterto think I clearly failed in raising you properly.
Jessica felt herself tense up inside but willed herself to hide any sign of weakness. Her knuckles whitened around her bag strap; she drew a steadying breath and spoke as levelly as she could manage:
Thats none of your business, she said, barely restraining herself from being rude. Sparks of anger flickered in her eyes, but she stamped them out by sheer will. I stopped being that naïve girl a long time ago. Goodbye. Oh, and by the waysuper-gran, Tom left hours ago.
Not waiting for a reply, Jessica spun around on her heel and nearly ran to the door. Her heels hammered the parquet, echoing through the empty hallway. She all but bolted down the stairs, desperate to escape that house, which confirmedonce againit was welcoming only by the loosest definition.
Outside, the air was cold, but Jessica felt nothing. Rage simmered inside her, clouding her eyes and stifling her breath. She strode off blindly through the streets, desperate to put as much distance as possible between herself and that place, and those words, and the woman who still called herself her mother. Her mood was ruined beyond repairas if a dark cloud had smothered the world, draining it of colour and cheer.
Why did I get a mother like her? Jessica thought bitterly, balling her fists. The thought circled, a broken record in her mind. She knew shed be judged by some as ungrateful, accused of disrespect, but just now, she didnt care. It grew clearer: sometimes its better to have no mother at all than one like Margaret. Someone who traded support for reproaches, sympathy for mockery, love for cold calculation.
To someone meeting Margaret for the first time, she made a sparkling impression. She was welcoming: warmly smiling, speaking gently, listening with apparent empathy, nodding as though she truly cared. The neighbours respected hershe was always on hand to help, whether with advice, a borrowed item, or a squeeze of the hand and a comforting, Itll all work out, dont worry.
But those who knew her well saw another side entirely. Beneath that genial smile was a woman who demanded much, controlled everything, and believed only in her own opinions. For Margaret, the only correct answer was hers. She genuinely believed shed always know best, and had no hesitation in saying so. She was forthright, and if challenged, her eyes iced over and her tone became uncompromising, almost metallic.
Jessica had grown up by her mothers strict rules. Margaret decided everything for herwhat to wear, which clubs to join, even which friends measured up. Her friends were screened like job applicants for high office.
That girls not really suitable, shed say, hearing Jessica had made friends with a classmate from a single-parent home. Not a good crowd.
That boys always up to mischief, shed say about the cheeky neighbours son. Friends like that will get you nowhere.
But the girl with the correct background met instant approval:
Now that ones worth befriending. Her mother works at the council offices, good position. Those sorts of contacts help in life.
When it came time to choose a career path, Margaret didnt even bother to ask Jessica what she wanted. The decision was set in stone: Jessica would study medicine, end of story. No one cared whether she liked the idea, whether helping people interested her. Even Jessicas intense squeamishness at the sight of blood was labelled a whim, a bid for attention.
Youre just pretending, Margaret sneered, raising her brow. Theres no such thing as fainting fits, you just want to get out of something important.
Jessica tried arguing, explaining that it wasnt an act, that seeing blood really did make her illbut her mother wouldnt listen. Any objection meant weakness, unwillingness to try hard enough.
And so Jessica took the only route she could see: she got married. Shed just turned eighteenbarely stopped to think before saying yes when a young man she knew proposed. She didnt want to wait, weigh up options, or hesitateher one wish was to escape the constant policing of her life and the sense that her life was her mothers property, not her own.
She understood marriage was serious, brought responsibility, but at the time it seemed like the only way to claim some independence. Above all, to break free from a home where every action was scrutinised, where her own wishes and dreams never counted.
Jessicas marriage to George, unsurprisingly, didnt last. At first, married life seemed all right: for a few months the independence felt good, they made plans, tried to settle in. But within a year, problems started. They were just not ready for what family life involved.
It started with little rowsover washing up, whod pop to the shop, over spending. Then bigger arguments: George started working late, came home smelling of drink, and snapped at the smallest query. Jessica tried to open up, to find out what was wrong, but he brushed her off:
Nothings wrong, youre just fussing. Just tired, thats all.
Things got worse with Toms arrival. Sleepless nights, constant crying, fatigueall of it fed the tension. Rows became almost daily, sometimes shouting till they were hoarse, sometimes stony silences that lasted for days.
It wasnt long before Jessica realised George was being unfaithful. What was worse, he didnt even try to hide it. One night he came home late, shrugged, and said offhand:
Ive met someone. Nothing serious, but anyway, dont let me hold you up. If you want to go, go.
Jessica stood in the hallway with her sleeping son in her arms, speechless. She wanted to scream, hit him, demand explanationsbut instead, she just nodded and went to settle Tom in bed.
She had nowhere to go. Jessicas only parent was Margaret, with whom relations were always strained; not a single friend could take her in along with a young child. So she stayed. Put up with the late nights, the coldness, the sarcasm. Sometimes she cried into a pillow at night, careful not to wake her son.
She had dropped out of college just before Toms birth. After barely six months of study, she found out she was pregnant. She tried to juggle classes and child care but soon realised it was impossible. Eventually, all thoughts of education had to goher every moment was spent just getting by.
When Tom was old enough for nursery, Jessica finally tried again. She debated her options, but settled for something practical: part-time accountancy training at the local college. Not what shed dreamed of, but a chance to earn, to become free.
She took classes after work, often falling asleep over her books, but every test passed brought a flicker of hope: maybe, just maybe, life could improve. Maybe she could build something of her own, at last.
After several years, Jessica finally summoned the courage to get a divorce. She had a job, a qualificationeven if it wasnt what shed wantedand Tom had settled at school. There was just the housing issue.
Renting was impossibleprices in their town were sky-high, and her salary barely covered essentials. Then Jessica remembered her share of the family home. By law she had the right to live thereit was her only option that didnt require a fortune.
The thought of moving in with Margaret again was complicated. On the one hand, it was the house shed grown up inevery corner familiar. On the other, it was the place where she was never allowed an opinion, never treated as an adult.
But she had little choice. With a deep breath and steady nerve, Jessica dialled her mothers number
********************
Youll go mad living there, Ellen insisted, anxiously picking at the edge of the kitchen tablecloth. And think of Tom! Your mums impossibleand think how she treats him. Shell crush him, get him to toe her line, and he wont stand for it, not with his fiery spirit.
Jessica fell silent, gazing out of the window where the first winter frost was ghosting the glass, as if offering some quiet counsel. She drew a long breath, gathered herself, and looked at Ellen.
Its only temporarya couple of months, she said, wincing slightly. Tiredness was clear in her voice, but so was resolve. I agree with you completely, Ellen. Mum is well, mum. But I dont have a choice. And soon enough well be out of there, and maybe only phone now and thenif she bothers, because I wont make the effort.
Ellen leaned back, scrutinising her friend. Something about Jessicas flat tone set off warning bellsit all sounded too measured, too calm for the mess she was in.
What thenafter a few months? she pressed, tilting her head. You talk as if youve already got something lined up. Thats not like younot now.
Jessica smiled faintly, as if hiding a secret. She reached for her tea, sipped, buying a little time.
Im not as clueless as Mum thinks, she said at last, looking Ellen straight in the eye. And Ill do anything for Toms sake. You know, theres actually a man whos made his interest in me quite clear.
She broke off, noticing the spark in Ellens eyes. Ellens mouth opened for the name, but Jessica gently raised her hand.
Dont be offended, but I wont say who just yet, she added apologetically. Not because I dont trust you Just being cautious. I dont want to tempt fate, but this feels like a real chance.
Ellen nodded quietly, though keen as ever to know more. Still, she respected Jessicas wishes.
And listen, Jessica went on, sitting up a little straighter, a sudden determination in her gaze. I wont let this slip. I cant live like thison edge. I cant keep watching Tom suffer from Mums put-downs. I want to give him a proper lifea home where hes loved, a mum who isnt in constant conflict. And if I have to take a risk to get that so be it.
Her words were soft but unshakeableno bravado, just a considered decision from someone whod mulled every option.
Ellen reached out, squeezed her hand.
I believe in you, she said simply. Just be careful, okay?
Jessica nodded, feeling a glow inside at her friends support. There was so much uncertainty ahead, but now she knewthere was no going back.
Do you even like him? Ellen asked after a pause, more concerned than nosy. I mean last time you married just to run away from your mum. We both know how that ended. You could come here, you know? Its tight, but wed make it work. Tom could play with my neighbours ladtheyre the same age.
Jessica turned her mug in her hands, eyes on the darkening street and rows of lit-up windows beyond. She looked at Ellen, this time with a true, unforced smile.
Hes a good man, she answered quietly but confidently. He likes meand he adores children. Hes got a son, a couple of years older than Tom. Thats actually how we metat the park. Our boys went there, and we just struck up a conversation. First about the kids, then all sorts, really.
She paused, remembering. How hed listened attentively to her stories about Tom, laughed at their antics, how hed help gather up toys with a smile and never a complaint. There was no judgement, no smugnessjust genuine kindness.
I feel at ease with him, Jessica continued, lost in thought. He never pushes, never tries to change me or fix Tom. Hes just there, always willing, always supportive. And hes such a great dad to his sonnever raises his voice, just patiently explains everything, reads books, plays with him
Ellen just listened, watching the spark come alive in her friendthe light she hadnt seen for years.
And yes, I have no regrets, Jessica said firmly, meeting Ellens eyes. This is my decision, and I havent made a mistake this time. I took my time, I thought about it, I weighed things up. I want more for myself and for Tombut this isnt about running away. Its about reaching for something reala home where we matter, where were loved.
She took a deep, freeing breath.
I know you worry, Ellen, and I cant thank you enough for everything youve offered. But I need to try this. If not now, when?
Ellen nodded, worry still flickering in her eyes. She squeezed Jessicas hand again.
All right, she said gently. If youre sure, Im with you. And if anything goes wrong, my doors always open for you both.
Jessica felt warmth welling in her chest. She squeezed Ellens fingers back.
Thank you, she whispered. That means the world to me
********************
Jessica was absolutely right when she told her mother shed only stay a couple of months. Life made an unexpected, joyful turn: Michael proposed. It was the chance shed so desperately neededa chance to start afresh. Her things were packed in record timea few bags of clothes, Toms favourite toys, the bare essentials. It took only hours, as if fate itself were ushering them from that house.
No one was happier than Tom. He never hid his dislike for Margarets overbearing ways. Her constant nagging, inflexible rules, and need to control wore on him. He could barely stand her presence: constantly talking back, slamming doors, escaping to his room whenever he could. Now his eyes shone brightfinally, he could stop pretending and simply be himself.
When Margaret found out her daughter was planning to remarry, her response was instant and explosive. First, she demanded to meet the future son-in-law, her voice shrill with outrage.
I must meet him! If I dont like him, theres no wedding. I wont allow you to make another stupid mistake!
But Jessica replied firmly and without hesitation:
Mum, this is my decision. No introductions.
The refusal was like a lit match. Margaret erupted. She stormed outside in a theatrical displaydetermined that the entire street should see her righteous anger. Loudly and unfiltered, she spat out everything she thought about her daughter: her foolishness, ingratitude, complete lack of a conscience.
People usually saw Margaret as a quiet, well-put-together woman, always polite and helpful. They were stunned by this drama. Some approached, tried to calm her, saying family shouldnt upset her so. All they got in return was a volley of fury. The neighbours backed away, shaking their heads as they dispersed, murmuring, Who wouldve guessed She always seemed so calm
Later, Margaret tried to explain herselfcalling neighbours to say shed just got carried away, that she was merely worried for her daughter. But peoples opinions had changed. They would always remember her as the woman who created a scandal for all to see.
But Jessica Jessica was finally happy. Her new marriage was everything shed hoped: warm, steady, full of understanding. Michael turned out to be not just kind and caring but a real rock for both her and Tom. She no longer had to hide, or fear every word or action, or forever justify herself.
Shed also managed to realise another dreamshe got into university. It wasnt easy; she had to juggle classes, work and family life, but each morning as she opened her books or sat in a lecture, she felt an inner fire reignitethe one her mother had nearly extinguished, insisting medicine was the only worthy path. Now Jessica was studying what she genuinely loved, and life was full of purpose again.
She found a new job toonot glamorous, but steady, with a supportive boss and room to grow. Jessica learned how to budget, even save up for a rainy day. Those modest savings meant more than mere moneythey represented freedom, and assurance for the future.
Sometimes, shed look back and smile at the memory of running from the family home. Now she had all shed ever dared dream of: a loving husband, a happy son, meaningful work, the chance to learn. Above allshe finally felt she was living her own life. And though the road ahead would surely have its hurdles, Jessica knew shed overcome them.
Because now, her life was truly her own choice.
