Complicated Happiness
So, were getting a divorce? Henry, are you serious?
Lily stared at her husband, trying and failing to comprehend. Divorce? After nearly twenty-five years together. In just two weeks, they were meant to be celebratingwell, maybe not anymore? Her thoughts tangled up. What about the party, the guests? All those invitations had already been sent. Everyone would come. The whole family, their hoard of friendssome already sending messages about what gifts to buy. Even Alice, Lilys best friend, had already posted her present, since she couldnt come herself. Too far, and, honestly, who gets on an aeroplane at six months pregnant? Let her stay home. Theyd see each other soon enough. Alice, after all, had played a rather pivotal role in their story. She had introduced Lily to Henry, back when they all floundered in adolescent uncertainty. Later, at their wedding, Alice had been the one to bellow “Kiss the bride! the loudest, even as Lily, instead of throwing her bouquet, smugly handed it to Alice to dodge the expected chaos.
Why is your Paul dragging his feet? Hell miss out on you if hes not careful!
Oh, hell come round. Alice patted Lilys hair. All in good time, Lil. I dont want an under-ripe husband. Headaches and heartbreak and looming divorce a few years in? No, thank you! Ill wait for the harvest.
Youve got your life mapped out for the next two years! Lily laughed, watching her friend touch up her makeup with rather exasperated flicks.
I dont do things by halves. All or nothing, thats my motto.
What about children, Alice? All or nothing?
Absolutely. I want twins. Deal with everything at once. Theres every chance, twins run in both families.
But youll have to raise them too, you know.
Two are easier than one.
Lily listened curiously as Alice explained her logic, pragmatic as ever. In their youth, when mischief managed to find them, Alice seemed always to slip through without trouble. Every caper she thought through with such deliberate cunning that suspicion slid by heryet she always tried to share out the blame fairly, unless someone went maverick, and then Alice simply let the chips fall.
“It’s clear as day, Lil. Healthy competition, a built-in playmate, and instant accolades for raising two at the same time. Need more reasons?
No, no, thats plenty! Lily giggled, barely doubting Alice would get exactly what she wanted.
And so it was. Except fate, always with a sharper wit than Alice, delivered her triplets instead of twins. Just to see what shed make of it.
And she did marvellously. By then, Alice had won over her husbands clan, never fawning, always helpful, always orchestrating someone elses useful action. Her husband, never keen to play the hero, found himself dispatched on errands at the drop of a hat. Therell come a day, Alice warned, when well need help. If you want your mothers roast potatoes next Sunday, best you help her assemble that new wardrobe. And tell her Ill pop over to wash the windows next week.
So when Alice needed help with the babies, two grandmothers and a grandfather were at the ready. Once the little ones were strong enough, Alice, inexplicably energetic, enrolled at university.
Are you mad, Alice? How are you going to fit everything in?
“Who would dare fail a mother of three? Meanwhile Ill keep my mind moving, not stuck on a babys routine. Ill be an accountant and a solicitor in oneflexibility is queen!
She earned her degree, slid into good work, telling her boss that the salary alone would just about cover a nanny.
But youll barely have enough left for yourself!
Grandparents are handling things for now, but no need for work to know that. I need experience, not just certificates. Soon enough, Ill be able to choose my own terms.
Lily often marvelled at Alices relentless drive, so different from her own, softer inertia. Decision-making had always paralysed Lily, a childhood spent quibbling over red or blue tights.
Yet once youve decided, thats ityoure sure, Alice assured her. Youre consistent, the best sort of person. I bounce around like a nervous cat!
But reliable, was she? Henry clearly hadnt thought so. What even was wrong with everything? Their lack of children had always strained things, but theyd long made their peace with it. Lily had volunteered at childrens homes and realised she couldnt take in a strangers child. She feared she lacked whats required to love as a proper mother should. Whatever that was exactly.
You just havent met your child yet, Mrs. Brightwell, the headmistress at one of the homes, told her, watching the volunteers play ring-around-the-roses with the little ones. When you do, youll be undone by it. Nothing will stop you thennot hardship, not trouble.
And what if I never see that child? Perhaps Im just not meant to be a mother?
Maybe not. Its better to accept that than take responsibility and failtwo unhappy people, not one. Like little Michael therehes been returned twice now.
My goodness, how can anyone give a child back? Hes little more than a baby! Five?
Six soon. Lived two years with one family, then a year with the next. First time, the foster family had their own unexpectedly arrive. Often happens, however sad. Second, they bit off more than they could chewtwo of their own and three fostered. Michael became the fourth, and their love was stretched too thin. He simply curled up in a corner and stopped eating.”
How is that possible?
He wouldnt even drink water. Begged to go back to the home, said no one loved him. The psychologist tried, but it was no use. He was returned. It would be better if theyd never taken him. Hes so tiny, but so ancient nowtrusts no one, expects nothing. I wonder if anyone has enough love in them for a boy like that.
That conversation tipped Lily into a private despair. She nearly signed papers for Michael then and there, but was reined in by Alices bluntness.
Are you sure youve got that love in you? Or is it just pity? If its just pity, forget it. Otherwise, youll break his heart a third time. Want to try looking after one of mine? Youll know soon enough if youre cut out for it.
But Lily said no. She stopped going to the childrens home, but Michaels solemn face haunted her. He became her beacon, reminding her to live carefully, never to cause pain if she could help it.
Lily hugged herself against a sudden cold. Why so cold? Only autumn, and the central heating was on. Should she help Henry pack? Which things would he need? Jumpers, coats? Their summers were brief up here in the Northnothing like her mothers place in Cornwall, where even winter felt mild. All she wanted now was to run home to her mother, to disappear into the hills with her for a few days, just the two of them, no one else around. But her mother was gone. And now, so was Henry.
She didn’t want freedom. She wanted her husband. Coffee in the morning, coffee at midnight if need be. Conversations twisting through to morning, because neither could sleep. Spontaneous outings to the theatre or a stroll in the woods. Their best days were never plannedalways impulsive, always bright.
Now, good had fallen into the past. Her past. Shed remember, but hed move on, raising a new child with this new woman. Was that all it was, thena baby? Or had their marriage been hollow from the start? She could just about accept the former, but not the latter. That would make her a fraud, an unfulfilled woman, incapable of making even one person truly happy.
Lily stood in the kitchen window, knees pressed against the radiator, paralysed. She listened as Henry moved around, drawers opening and closing, doors slamming. She shivered so hard that the pot with her only houseplantAlices giftshifted to the windowsill’s edge. When the door finally shut, Lily unclenched her fists, dug her fingers into the sill as if she could break it, then swept the flowerpot to the floor and, at last, screamed.
But it didnt help. The dark soil, mixing with shattered pottery across the kitchen, made grotesque sense: everything was black now. No light. Hed walked out, shutting the light behind him. Shed have to grope through the darkness of tomorrow.
With that, she left the radiator, walked over the shards, ignoring the sting of a cut, found her phone in the bedroom, and dialled.
A-l-i-i-ice
It wasnt sobbing, but something raw and wild, torn from the pit of her being. But Alice didnt need explanations.
Hes gone, hasnt he?
Yes
All right. Ill come tomorrow.
Dont you dare, Lily snapped back to herself at Alices brisk, familiar tone. Dont. I wont forgive myself if something happens to you or the baby Waitdid you know?
I suspected. Last time you visited, Henry couldnt look me in the eye. Now it all falls into place. Lily, believe me, its for the best.
The best? I dont want to go on. Everything’s ruined. Ive lost everythingdont you see?
Buy yourself a dress.
What?
You heard me. The one you thought was too extravagant. Go, buy it now, and send me a picture. Dont sit at home howlingnothing will change. Dress, then train or plane to Cornwall. Well walk the hills. I feel fine, no overexertion. Dont be selfish. I need this toothe twins are off to sports camp, Pauls obsessed with his cycling. Nows the only chance. Half an hourmessage me your travel info. Dont make a pregnant woman anxious!
Alice hung up. Lily stared at her phone in bewilderment. Now what?
The answer felt like waking up. Lily dragged herself to the mirror. This was herevery year of her life staring back. No longer a slip of a girl, but not old, either. Why resign herself? If Henry imagined she would crumple in a corner, he would be sorely disappointed. Alice was right, ever so right.
She smoothed her hair, brushed away the tears, and straightened up. She had to move. If she sat, shed never rise.
Her phone instantly alive in her palm. A flurry of cancellations went outparty, restaurant, everything. Sorted. Now, to clear up the kitchen.
She didnt even think about the vacuum cleaner, but grabbed a broom and cloth instead, methodically scrubbing away the mess. New pot later. Not her chief concern.
The dress fit as if sewn for her. Bright red, nothing like her usual muted clothesAlices territory usually, dramatic and full of flair. But now, why not? Was she really so plain she couldnt draw an appreciative glance?
No. Her reflection showed a woman, tired and shaken, but not broken. There was more to her still. Energy welled upanger, perhaps, or defiance. Maybe she understooddeep downwhy Henry had left. Old friends are the hardest to betray.
The journey was circuitous and long, but Lily didnt mind. The distractions filled time, chased away the gloom.
Their trip was wonderful. With Alice, she rambling over the hills, either falling into companionable silence or talking over each other, as if determined to seize every moment. Lily felt herself let go just a little. Alices logic, always sharp as a tack, made yesterdays disasters shrink, todays small moments grow in importance.
Come back here, Lil. What will you do on your own? Business? There are children everywhere, and a new estates opened near me. Your dads been poorly, you planned to bring him closeso do it now. Dont change everything; sometimes things work better as they are.”
Lily nodded. She made her decision before the spontaneous holiday ended.
Divorce, new flat, selling the car, untangling affairsshe distanced herself, emotionally and practically. She forced herself to meet Henry calmly, twice, wrapping it up without drama, then deleted his details and swore to herself, enough.
Cornwall greeted her with its springapple blossom in the air, everything bright and full of sun. Breathing felt easy. Lily set to building new routines, buying a flat nearby rather than under her fathers roof. She found she liked his warmth. She found him a companion in Mrs. March, the neighbour, who smiled kindly the first time they passed at the door. Lily welcomed it. Shed seen the love between her parents; shed never demand her father live in mourning.
If you ask me, your dads still rather dashing? Mrs. March smiled at Lilys father with such tenderness, Lily felt hope. If her father could find his person so late in life, maybe Lilys person was still out there. Perhaps she simply hadnt seen him yet.
A year passed as if it had never been. Two childrens centres, opened on new estates, kept Lilys days busy enough there was little time for regret. But some evenings, when the cottage felt oppressive, shed sit in the kitchen, fingers curled around a cooling cup of tea, and wishjust for a momentfor Henry to appear, flick the lights on, rest a hand on her shoulder, and murmur, All right, Lil? Want some proper tea? Tell me all about it.
She knew she should let it all go. But she couldnt yet excise that piece of herselfHenrys shadow lingered stubbornly.
The call from her old accountanta muddle with the tax office about the business salebrought, unexpectedly, relief. A reason to go back, to deal with forms, to keep busy.
The problem sorted quickly, and with a free day before her return, she took the bus to their old neighbourhood. She didnt know what compelled her. The places where shed been happy. Or unhappy. Depending on your angle.
One centre had closed; another, thriving. She paused at the window, watching the earnest little faces absorbed in painting, and smiled as the new teacher growled, pretending to be a bear, sending the class into shrieks of delight. Good man. Kids needed imagination.
She passed for the last time, then strolled to their old block of flats, the big playground where shed dreamed of bringing her own children, and the park where theyd once walked hand in hand.
She hadnt meant to turn into the park. The path led her anyway. New benches, a fixed fountain. On the closest bench, a man slouched, rocking a pram. Something deeply familiar. Lily took a step, then another, until she realised it was Henry.
He looked different somehow. His hair much greyer. He slouched oddly, gazing into the distance, absent-mindedly pushing the buggy. Not just age. He seemed smaller, as if the air had squeezed him down. Lilys heart caught. She could not leave him like that. No matter what, she knew how to helpor at least, how to try.
Henry
At her voice, he flinched, burrowed his chin into his coat, unwilling to meet her eyes.
“Hello, Lily.
She sat beside him. How are you?
The words seemed silly and misplaced. She nearly fled. But she stayed, watching as Henry at last stopped the buggy and met her gaze.
Not good. Im on my own. Ive lost everything worthwhile. All because of a single stupid mistake.
Dont lie, Henry. You have more than you thinkfar more than what you left me.
She gestured to the pram.
Boy or girl?
A daughter. Eva.
A young wife, a babywhat more could you want?
He shook his head. No wife. Amelia died. Childbirth was terrible.
Lilys gasp caught between sorrow and some battered old empathy. She couldnt find angereven though this woman had, however indirectly, ended everything. She felt only grief for a lost girl, whod gambled her chance at happiness. The daughter, peaceful and oblivious, slept in her pram. Henry, hands twitching, rocked her unceasingly.
They sat in fraught silence until eventually the words burst out, overlapping, crowding the air, until little Eva, now awake, watched park lights blaze and stars flicker into dusk.
Lily rose to look at the child and paused. Michaels words, the old directors warnings, Alices advice, all ringed in her ears like distant peals.
Six months passed, and Mrs. Brightwell ushered a solemn boy into her office and quietly left them alone.
Michael, do you know why Im here?
For me.
Would you like to live with me?
I doubt youll keep me.
He looked at Lily with flat, dark eyes. But when she pulled out photos, a flicker of hopeand fearin them.
Is that your husband?
Yes.
Is that your daughter?
No, Michael, not mine.
The spark threatened to die, but Lily caught it.
Eva isnt my child, but Ill be her mum. And yours, if you want it.
Youll send me back.
Why do you think that?
Everyone does.
Im not everyone. I know what its like to lose everything. When nothing and no one is left. It hurts.
I know.
Do you know what a mother is, Michael?
No.
Shes someone wholl never let anyone hurt you again.
Do you just pity me?
No, I want to love you, if youll let me. And for Eva to have a big brothera strong one, whod never let her come to harm. Do you think we could manage?
Michael hesitatedher sadness hadnt gone unnoticed. Still, her red dress was so bright, he nervously reached out, touching the sleeve to see if he was dreaming.
Do you like it?
Very much.
I do, too. I bought it when I felt my worst. Now I love the colour.
Id like to try.
No, Michael. We wont just try. Well do it. Youll help me, because Im still learning how to be a mum. I want to learnfor you and Eva. Will you help me?
He nodded, slowly. Lily, at last, exhaled.
Years later, a family wound along a Cornish footpath single filethe slim, dark-haired Michael shepherding the mischievous Eva, who darted from parent to parent.
Eva, the woods are full of wolves!
No!
Yeshungry bears too.
Dont their mums make them porridge?
No, their mums arent good cooks.
Ours is.
Maybe you should make porridge for the bears, Mum.
Lily, catching her breath, caught up. Only semolina will do, you know Im clumsy with that.
Bear porridge, with lumps?
I happen to like it with lumps!
Make it for them, then! giggled Eva.
Give them my share tooand the honey! Eva snuggled into Lilys arms.
Not on your life! That honey is mine. Now, will you walk or shall we carry you?
Carry me!
To Daddy you go! Lily swung Eva to Henry and ruffled Michaels hair.
Michael, should we make porridge for the bears?
I think we should leave the wildlife hungry, otherwise Eva will never stop taming them. If she starts, well end up with all Cornwalls creatures to look after!
Lily laughed. Eva, well feed them next time. Maybe Ill even learn real porridge. Good?
Fine! Eva chirped, and Michael grinned at his mother.
Oh dear, he teased.
Oh dear indeed, Lily replied. Best keep your eyes on heror well be rounding up yetis next, and taking them all home, because she refuses to leave even a hedgehog unloved.
Their laughter rang out, echoing over the hillside, catching in the new bright dawn. The daystill unfoldinglooked to be a sunny one.
