Letter to Father
Oh, Charlie, you are a real fruitcake! I never expected this from you! Emily cast manners aside and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her blouse.
Her mother had sewn that very blouse for her fetched a length of silk from her treasured chest, sighed wistfully over it, half-regretting giving away such prettiness, yet settled at the sewing machine without complaint.
Well, of course! The girl was growing up. She needed finery. Whod give her a second glance if she was dressed any old way?
Mum neednt have bothered Whats the use? Emily thought, watching the back of her first love disappearing down the road.
That very love stomped away from Emily, marching in brisk step like a fresh-faced Guardsman, not so much as glancing back.
Unbearable! How could he?
Emily let out another choked sob but recalled, just in time, her lashes were thick with mascaraagainst mothers wishes; so, any further crying was strictly off-limits.
Charlie, Charles, Chaz
Beloved and one and only! Only half a year of happiness theyd hadthat was all fate allotted. Emily kept count: from the day they met, exactly half a year.
Just half a year, but how much had happened
Charlie did glance over his shoulderEmily made sure not to let on she noticed.
And why should she! Shed come to him with news like that, and he just put his nose in the air?! Off he goes! Sailor! He wants the sea and freedom! Typical! Good riddance! What, is she a child? Shell cope on her ownhave the baby herself, raise it without permission. No need for his say-so! Too much honour for him anyway!
Emily fumed, though deep down, something sharp and thin whined inside her.
How could he? Hed said he loved her, promised everything her heart could desire! Said theyd marry. And now? Vanished into the shrubbery the moment she told him she was expecting?
Wellshe hadnt quite told him straight out. She hinted she wanted more than the odd Sunday rendezvous, but he replied that his ship was waiting. He had no intention of changing his plans for her little notions. He said if she loved him, she should pack up and join him.
And how could she go? Leave Mum behind, pregnant, to the other end of the country, where she knew not a soul?
Not on your life!
Emily rose from the bench, smoothed her skirt, and fixed her hair. Thin little locks, of course, but a perm could work wonders. Mum was rightlooks do change prospects. Take Charlie, for instanceplain as plain, hardly a showstopper, yet girls lost their heads over him. Because he was clever and funny and could chat serious, like a proper university ladeven though he barely had any schooling!
As for Emilywell, shed finished college, but refused to go further no matter how mum had pleaded. Insulted her, even, and didnt speak to her for nearly a whole month! When had that ever happened?
But Emily did know her own worth. What good would a diploma do, really, if she was already earning decent quid at the building yard? Enough to send some home, enough for her own needs.
Mum had forgiven her, called her back close, comforted hermothers always do. But What would mum say now, when she found out she was to be a granny? Would she fly into a rage?
No sense wondering. Of course she would.
Her mother shouted so loud the neighbours gathered. But explanations were not on offer. They simply told the busybodies it was work troubles, and sent everyone packingfamily matters belonged within the family and all that.
How could you, love? Didnt I always tell you to behave till you had a ring on your finger? Wholl want you now? Oh, that Charlie! Never thought hed turn out so rotten! He looked a fine lad. Serpent! Well, hell hear from me! So ran off, did he, when you told him the news?
Emily pondered: should she tell the truth? Mum would peck her to death anyway, better not to give her cause. Let it restCharlie was far away already.
Yes, mum. Thats how it went.
Oh, my poor pet Whatll we do now?
Well manage! Were not children. Well cope, Mum, if you help me at firstand then, honestly, it doesnt seem so scary.
As if Id ever abandon you! What mother would? Come here, you sillly girl!
Emily closed her eyes for a moment and let out a sigh of relief.
So there you go, Charlie! Shed manage fine without him! If the open sea meant more to him than family, let him go!
In time, Emily forgot the finer points of her row with Charlie. Even convinced herself shed given him the whole truth and hed answered with a rebuke. So anger and injury intertwined within her, nesting tightly, sometimes hissing up to remind her:
Look at her! Shes the very spit of her father! The same little demon! Always buzzing, always twirling, driving you wild for no reason. Theretell her! So she wont ask about her runaway dad! Hes dashed off to his oceannever writes, never calls. And shell do the same one day, scuttle off just like him. Because shell never learn how to love, no matter what you do. The apple, as they say, never falls far from the tree.
Perhaps this was why Alice, Emilys daughter, grew up convinced she was only loved by her grannyand that, only sometimes. Granny would comfort and coo, but if the neighbours started sniggering in the background, shed push Alice away:
Go on! Back to your mother! Let her coddle you, my sorrowful little thing Why have we been punished so, Lord? What did we do?
Until she was three Alice was sure sorrowful and punishment were her real names. Just like Alice. Thats what Mum called her in her rare gentle moods. Then, and only then, would Alice get that much-craved tenderness.
Come here, sweet girl! Let me fix your plaits. You have lovely hair. Not like mine. Thick as a thicket! Like your fathers. His was dark as a ravens wing, and his eyesocean-blue. He ran off to sea, and so will you one day. Youre just like him. Got your looks, but youll never know happiness.
Why? Alice would pout, bracing herself for tears.
Just because!
Mums voice would wobble, and Alice knew: no more questions. Better slip to grannys apronsmelling of shepherds pie and soupand have a good cry for herself, then for her mother, then granny for good measure. Because it was Mums shame, but it was Granny who had to carry it.
Just what exactly this shame was, and why anyone dragged it about, Alice didnt discover until later. Shed just turned ten when, out of nowhere, her mum blossomed, got a glow about her, and left for the city to start over.
Alice stayed with her granny.
Not that she missed her mother much. Shed always been left for stretches when Mum went off to work, always saying someone had to feed the fatherless. But that was different. Mum always came back from city jobshappy, though worn outladen with gifts and new clothes, then scolded granny:
Whys she so scrawny, Mum? People will think we never feed her!
She eats nothing at all! I try every which way, but breads all shell take. Would be different if mother was home. And me? Running after the cattle, then off to the dairy, then minding the child! You should come back and look after her!
Shes not a baby, Mum! Anyway, enough moaning. Look what Ive brought you!
And whats the use of gifts? Oh, daughter, I wish youd stay! My heart aches with missing you!
Mum would scowl, and Alice would slink to the corner, knowing a thunderstorm was brewing.
Oh, its boring, is it now? Well, its not boring for me! Im young and pretty still, but here I am, a lone drudge. And you have the cheek to criticise! It makes me want to lie down and never get up! Mum, have a bit of pity! If Id known it would be like this, Id never have let him go.
No use biting your knuckles now, love.
Mum!
What?! You had a child, so raise her! Or write to her fathermaybe hell take her!
Me, give Alice away?! Never! He never wanted to know. And now, what, serve him up a ready-made daughter? No! Ive worked all these years on building siteshe wont just walk in and take her!
Well, then dont complain! The child hears everything. Dont you think it hurts her, knowing her fathers a scoundrel and her mums worn to the bone?
Let her be angry! Lifes not honey, you know! Sometimes it smacks you right down. Thats enough, Mum. Topic closed. And dont you dare write to Charles yourself! I know what youre like!
Granny obeyed the commandfor a time.
Alice was preparing for her end-of-year exams when a letter arrived from London. Alices mother had given birth to a boy, and within the week, she left this world without a word.
And the secret of Alices birth would have stayed locked up tight, but for her stubbornness.
When granny left for the city, leaving Alice sobbing and tasked with minding the house, she whispered as she fastened her black shawl:
Theres no time for tears now, my love. How will we live? I cant see a way
Ill get a job, gran!
Wait. Theres the baby to consider. His father wont take him, and I can we manage, Alice?
What else? I grew up without Mum. We cant put him in an orphanage. It isnt right!
I know that Its just frightening, Alice. I dont know how long Ill last.
Granny went off, and Alice ransacked the house, knowing her mothers rules no longer applied.
She needed to find her fatherwithout his help she and granny could never manage.
She knew exactly what to do. Since before she could write, Alice had been drawing messages to her dadhiding them from Mum and gran. Shed spin whole stories in pictureshow a new cat arrived, or how granny taught her to make Yorkshire pudding. Granny once found Alices sketchbooks under her bed, but said nothing more. She tried again to open her daughters heart, but gave up, seeing the iron grudge against the man who wandered the world, never bothering with his child. Alices mother raged at her former love, forgetting he knew nothing at all about his daughter.
Pictures gave way, eventually, to wobbly letters as Alice moved onwriting her days and miseries, small triumphs, and the sadness of being left out.
Now, only the most important letter remainedthe one to actually send.
The address was hard to find. Her mother had hidden the only battered old envelope with the return label so well that Alice would never have come across it, had she not knocked a photo frame from the wall. Glass shattered, and Alice burst into tearsclumsy, just like Mum always said.
The corner of a faded white envelope peeked from beneath the portrait as Alice swept the shards from Mums face.
Whats this? Alice tugged it from its nook, and as realisation dawned, fresh tears rolled. Mum! Why did you do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve it?
Alice sat on the floor, talking to her mum, apologising and venting all her secret thoughts for ages after.
But it brought no relief.
Sorry, Mum, but Im not listening this time. You never wanted me talking to DadI know you didnt. But I need him now! I know granny isnt forever. Im cross, but I understand. We cant manage alone. If he truly is as rotten as you said, at least Ill know, and depend only on myself. But what if hes not? AndMum, I just cant believe everything you told me. You always said Dad was bad, but you why did you even have me if you didnt want to love me? Was it worth all that struggle? Yes, call me ungratefulso be it. But do you know how it feels, never to be loved? To have it drummed into you that youre the image of someone you dont even know? How should I know what hes like? Dont be angryI just want to see him, hear what he has to say!
It never once occurred to her that the man whod once sent Mum a letter might have moved.
She wasnt thinking, only acting.
She spent all evening and half the night with a sheet torn from an old exercise book, finally managing three strained sentencesher pain, her hope, and her plea.
She posted the letter on her way to school. Returning home, she found Granny had arrived, bringing with her a squirming, noisy infant.
Here you are, Alice This is Alfie. Your brother. Granny choked back tears, turned away and busied herself by the bed, wrapping the child while Alice peered down.
Gran, whys he so tiny?
Quite normal. You were smallershorter, lighter.
Was I, really?
Oh yesand look at you now. Hell grow, too.
Gran, and his dad?
Says hell send some money but wont take him. No time for that.
Thats something, at least Alice aped Grannys tone so perfectly it made her smile.
Oh, Alice! How will we manage?
We just will, gran! Thats how its done. See Kelsey from up the road? Nine of them, and she gets by! Shes promised me a heap of baby things from her twinssome things hardly used at all! Babies grow so fast, dont they, gran?
They do, Alice. Faster than time. Only yesterday I held your mothers little hand, and see now
Now, gran, dont cry. Or Ill start and Alfie here will, too! What does he want, then? Is he hungry?
Probablylook at the time! Goodness, he needs feeding!
Granny bustled, thrust the baby into Alices arms.
Hold him a bit! Dont worry, you wont drop him. Youre a capable girl. Hell be the sameGod willing.
Alice froze, feeling the weight and warmth of proof shed never be alone again. How long shed wished for someone she was vital toa person she needed as much as they needed her? Granny and Mum were different. They had their own ideas about who needed what.
The moment you marry, well be tossed aside! Just wait and see, Mum would scoff when Alice asked how it would be when she grew up.
But Alice longed for a real family. Like Kelseys brooding, bustling tribemessy, noisy, but warm and close. Where kids sprinted through the house rosy-cheeked, cared for by three generations.
Kelsey lived with her parents and in-laws, calling both Mum and Dad, running the house with a will, knowing the happiness of her crew lay in her hands. Her husband helped, brooking no household squabbles:
Oi! Tidy up! We dont row at family!
Alice had overheard and stored the lesson away: family is everything!
A pity she only had Granny and Mum. Would there ever be more?
At last, it had come to be
Even if Alfie, smacking his lips and ready to wail, was only weeks old, she knewhe was hers, she was his. No matter how grown hed get, hed always be this little bundle, making her arms ache and her heart swell.
Alice learned to care for her brother rapidly. One day, Kelsey bustled in, undid Alfies wrappings, smirked at his skinny limbs:
Hello, little soldier! Shoutings goodfill those lungs! Alice, nothing to fear. All girls manageso will you. Ill show you the ropes with this noisy little man. Wheres Gran gone?
Shes in town for paperworksaid it had to be sorted, or else trouble. She showed me what to do, but I wanted your advice as well
Why? Isnt Grannys knowledge enough? Kelsey frowned.
Not really Gran says shes forgotten what babies are like, but youyou remember!
I should! The twins only just turned one. It feels like yesterday!
So, show me, please, how to look after Alfie. Im scared, Kelseyhes so very tiny
Dont fret, Alice! Well muddle through! Kelsey picked up a crisp nappy and wrapped up the now-calm Alfie. Years ago people married at your agewouldve had two by now. You can do this!
Alice watched Kelseys capable hands, thinking she wasn’t yet ready for thischanging nappies was childs play next to loving children. But how?
Alfie soon taught her. Alice would race home from school, not just walkshe was needed! And miraculously, Alfies first gummy smile was for her, not Granny. He learned to say her name first of all:
Al-ice! hed call, toddling across the grass to meet her at the gate.
Here I am, my darling! Come to me!
Sticky hands round her neck, Alice melted, kissing his grubby cheeks.
Been out again? Why so mucky? Lets get you washed!
With Alice, Alfie would even tolerate soap. Granny laughed, watching her chase her squirrely brother:
A wriggler, he is! Hold him tight, Alice, or hell bust his nose.
In all this, Alice completely forgot about the letter shed written her father. No reply came, and she finally decided silence was an answer too. If he never wrote back, he wanted nothing to do with her.
The pain pricked, then faded. Alice had no time for herself. Alfie filled her thoughts.
Granny would still go on at her about university, but Alice wouldnt hear of it.
Granny, you know thats impossible! Id have to leave for the city! What about you and Alfie? No, Im staying here!
Granny insisted, Alice dug her heels. Wasnt there plenty of work in the village? Farm hands always required, and Kelsey and her husband, whod just opened the new shop, needed staff. Kelsey promised a job if Alice stayed.
But Granny was deaf to all this.
Alice! You dont understand! Your mum wasted her life the same way. Im trying to help you!
I know, Gran, but please stopits just not as important as you think!
And then, in the thick of one such argument, someone Alice never expected arrived.
She was walking home with Alfie after visiting Kelsey. The boy, worn out from games with the twins, dragged his feet and whimpered, but shuffled along, knowing Alice meant business when she said bedtime. At the gate, he tugged at her skirt:
Alice! Up, please!
Alice scooped him up, smiling at his solemn little Up!
Pushing the gate open, she made for the porchand stopped dead. On the veranda, a stranger was fiddling with the light bulbup on a wobbly stool.
There, you stubborn old thing! he grunted in satisfaction as the bulb flickered to life and hopped down.
Only then did he spot Alice, frozen with Alfie in her arms.
Daughter
Charles took a step, another, then caught both her and Alfie in a hug as she instinctively tried to pull back.
My own girl
Alice was startled to see tears in the strange mans eyes.
Forgive me, my darling! I never knew about you! Is this your little one? he nodded at Alfie, who stared wide-eyed at the man whod somehow landed in their home. Will you trust Grandpa? Come here, my boy! Let me have a look!
Only then did Alice come to her senses.
Hes not mine! No, I mean Son, I meanhes not my son. Dad, hes my brotherMums boy, Alfie.
I see! Charles pulled Alfie close, who, surprisingly, didnt wriggle awayhe snuggled against the man, rubbing his cheek on his stubble.
Spiky!
Not for long, my boy! Ill shave for you! No trouble at all. Alice, lets get insideyouve got killer midges out here! Theyre eating me alive.
Theres a brook nearby, Dad.
I remember
Gran greeted Alice with a pointed look, and she understoodthe grown-ups had sorted things among themselves. Peace, at last. Nothing to hold against anyone now.
What did it matter, after all, how things were before she was born? The important thing was here and now. And here, today, their family had grown. That was a gift to accept with gratitude.
Alice looked at Alfie darting about their fathers feet and knewthis was how it would be from now on: a man in the house at last.
Later, Alice would learn her letter hadnt been lostit made its way, after a fashion. But Charles had long since moved. The woman now living there, kind soul, did everything she could to find him and forward the letter. It wasnt quickfinding Charles, getting the letter throughthen it sat, crumpled and waiting months while he was away at sea.
The day I received your letter, darling, I came as quick as I could! I thought I was alone in the world. I wrote your mum so many times, begged her to come backwanted a family.
And she?
She replied only once. Said shed married, told me never to write again. So I stopped If only Id known what was going on here, Id have swum back! Lord, such happinesscompletely undeserved! Will you come with me? Ive got a flat in Portsmouthbig, bright. You can see the sea from the window, sunsets so grand you want to live forever!
Dad, I cant
Why not?
I cant leave Alfie or Gran. Thats not right.
Who says youd leave them? Theres plenty of room. You should study, love! Gran can mind Alfie while you go to university.
With what, Dad? Gran and I just get by. Alfies dad doesnt pay a penny, never helps. Hes visited once, ten minuteschecked up and vanished. We havent seen him in over a year.
Are you doubting me? Charles frowned, and Alice nearly laughed, seeing her father bristle just like Alfie in a strop. What are you giggling at? Surely, I can keep two womenfolk and a boy in decent order? Im not that useless! Start packing. Grans given her blessing. We were just waiting for youam I right?
You are, Dad. You are
And Alice hugged her father, blessing the day shed chosen to write. Soon, they would all move near the restless English sea, and life would be anything but calm.
Quiet would never be Alices fatestorms and sunshine would toss her about as much as any sailors ocean. But shed always know: there was a harbour for her, a place of safety, no matter what.
And in that harbour, it would always be warm, crowded by family, and smell of cabbage pie, which Alice would still never master, try as she might.
And there, too, would be that tousled boy, greeting his sister in a breaking but booming voice at the door:
Ello! Dad said youd be here! Alice, I missed you!
I missed you too, my love. I missed you tooAlice stood for a long while in the lamplight after everyone had gone to bed, listening to the hush of the new house, the gentle breathing from Alfies cot, and her fathers muffled snore down the hall. Grans knitting needles clicked a little, and then quieted. The salty breeze drifted through the open window, and Alice leaned out, tracing the orange band of sunset melting over the restless sea.
Somewhere far out, a horn sounded from a ship slipping into harbour. She closed her eyes and imagined her mothers laugh tangled with the voices at her back, remembered her childhood ache, and let it fall away, soft as the tide slipping over pebbles. She knew now: you could sail the world searching for answers, but the real treasure washed right to your doorsometimes in the shape of a letter, sometimes in arms flung around your neck, sometimes simply in the messy warmth of a noisy family.
Tomorrow would bring squabbles, burnt toast, and Alfies shrieks at bath time; Gran would grumble about damp sheets, and Dad would try, with fumbling earnestness, to make up for years lost. But tonight, all was still, and Alicedaughter, sister, granddaughterfelt the old emptiness had grown smaller, filled at last not with certainty, but with the unbreakable, noisy, beautiful bonds of belonging.
She whispered a thank you, to her mother, to the wind, to whoever had listenedall the way through. And as the stars blinked into being over the sea, she promised shed never stop believing that lost things could still come home, and love, if stubborn enough, would always find the way.
