Just Carrying On
Emily, a lively little girl with two messy blonde pigtails, dashed along the sun-washed veranda of their cottage, her eyes sparkling with excitement and her cheeks glowing from an afternoon of games. When she spotted her brother’s mate heading out, she stopped short, breathless but determined, and hurried after him.
Without a moments hesitation, Emily darted over and clung to his hand, her warm, tiny fingers squeezing tightly. She looked up at him, her wide blue eyes shining with sincere childhood innocence, and burst out laughing in that clear, ringing voice only children seem to have.
Ill never let you go! When Im grown up, Ill definitely marry you! Just promise youll wait for me!
The young man paused, eyebrows raised in surprise, then grinned, the gentle affection in his face making Emilys heart flutter with hope. Looking down at his little shadow, he replied in that slow, teasing way adults sometimes use with kids:
Ill wait.
He gave her hair a gentle, fond ruffle, making the pigtails stick out even more. Emily squinted for a moment, then started smiling again, not loosening her grip.
But first, he said, bending down so their eyes met, youve got to behave for your parents and work hard at school. Thats what my fiancée should do, dont you think?
His tone was gentle and kind, not stern, with that special warmth adults reserve for children theyre fond of. Emily seemed to consider this seriously for a heartbeat, as if weighing his words, and then nodded with fierce determination, squeezing his hand even tighter.
All right! Ill be the very best I can be!
There was something magical about that summer afternoonsunshine, laughter, and all those fantastic dreams only children allow themselves, as if everything really is possible, just for a little while
************************
Emily sat cross-legged on her bedroom carpet, idly flicking through her algebra homework. The evening light faded slowly outside her window, the house was quiet, too quietonly the muffled sounds from next door breaking the stillness. She unconsciously leaned closer to her door, straining to hear. Her brother, Tom, was on the phone, and his voice was more animated than usual.
She leaned closer and heard the name Liam. Her pulse quickened. Emily froze, ears glued to the door. Tom was saying something about a date, a café, her smile There was no doubting what it meantLiam was talking about a new girlfriend.
Before she even registered what she was doing, Emily jumped up and tiptoed out onto the landing, pressing her ear to Toms door. She drank in every word, her throat tightening. Perhaps its not what I think, she told herself desperately.
A moment later, Tom ended the call and stepped into the hallway, catching her by the door. She straightened up, caught red-handed.
Liams got a new girlfriend? she blurted, her voice trembling despite her best effort to sound breezy.
Tom stopped, surveying her with a weary, knowing looknot annoyed, but almost sad. Hed noticed beforethe way she lit up at Liams name, how she secretly looked at his photos online, the shy hope always hovering when he was around.
Are you still on about that? He rolled his eyes and leaned against the doorframe. Emily, youre sixteen. Isnt it time to get over this crush of yours? Its just a childhood thing.
Emily straightened, her green eyes flaring with stubbornness. Her arms folded across her chest, a picture of resolve.
Never! she shook her head, so hard her golden hair flew about her face. You dont understand. Hes going to love me, youll see! It isnt just a childish thing. This is real!
Her voice was confident, even defiant, though deep down she was fighting to convince herself. She thought of the fleeting moments between her and Liamthe smiles, the passing glances, the casual touchesall treasured up in her heart.
Tom held her gaze, at a loss for words. He saw her resolve, the tremble in her lips. Nothing would talk her out of it. Childhood devotion had become something far greater to Emily.
***************************
A ray of sunshine managed to break through her curtains, filling Emilys bedroom with gentle golden light. She bounded into the living room, barely able to contain herself, her face so bright it could outshine the morning sun.
Out of breath from running down the stairs, she hurried to Tom, who sat at the breakfast table scrolling through the news on his tablet.
Hes asked me out! she blurted, barely holding back a squeal. Her voice sparkled like crystal, her hands clenching into fists from excitement. On my eighteenth birthday! He brought me this beautiful trinket box engraved with my name and finally said hes ready to be honestnow that Im old enough. Liam loves me, Tom!
She could hardly stand still, her hands fidgeting with her hair as if to check she was presentable. Her joy was so infectious that the air itself seemed charged with it.
Tom put down his mug and looked at her, his smile genuinely warm and proud. Hed been waiting for this, not just for Emily, but for his best mate Liam as well. For months, Liam had asked after Emily, wanted to know what flowers she liked, found excuses for everyone to spend time together.
Shes beautiful, Liam would say to Tom, gazing dreamily. Shes kind and clever Just a bit longer. You dont mind, do you, if we try?
Tom always answered the same: If shes happy, Im happy. He trusted Liam; hed always been a good bloke, dependable, never one for games. Staring now at his ecstatic sister, Tom had never been surershed made the right choice.
Well, congratulations, Tom said, standing up to give Emily a hug. Im happy for both of you. Really, truly happy.
Emily threw her arms around him, still struggling to believe it wasnt all a dream. In that moment, everything felt brighter, kinder, more beautiful. From somewhere in the background came the low, content purr of their cat, basking on the windowsill
*******************
Emily sat in a narrow, sterile hospital corridor on a hard blue plastic chair. The walls were a bleak off-white, the only light a thin grey from the overcast day outside. She stared ahead, but her gaze was blankshe didnt see the faded linoleum, or the nurses hurrying past, but something distant and private.
Her hands sat limply in her lap, her clothes rumpled and strange on her body, her hair, usually tied neatly back, falling loose and unkempt around her shoulders. She looked broken, unmoving, all the warmth and life drained out of her. Over and over, she relived the memories: last night, she and Liam had sat side-by-side, wedding plans spread on the kitchen table, bickering good-naturedly about which ribbons would look best for the reception. Hed teased her, laughed and promised everything would be perfect And now, Liam was gone.
A sudden accident. A driver lost control of his car and a tangle of metal and glass claimed three livesLiams among them. That was it. A split-second, and her world shattered.
The hush of the corridor was broken by slow footsteps. Tom rounded the corner, his face pale, his eyes raw and red. He knelt beside Emily, gently placing his arms around her shoulders. His hands trembled.
Em? His voice was soft, barely more than a whisper, as if afraid to break the delicate thread keeping her together. Emmy, just talk to me. Please.
Emily turned her head with painful slowness. Her eyes were dry but so full of grief Tom thought his heart might burst. She looked at him as if he were miles away.
About what? Her voice was lifeless, words spoken automatically.
Tom swallowed, trying to pick words that wouldnt cut deeper.
Anything at all. He squeezed her shoulders, desperate to draw her back into the world. Tell me how you feel. Just cry, Em, please! Dont keep it inside!
Emily shook her head, mute. Her lips wobbled, but no sound, no tears came. She stared at her own hands, as if baffled by her own numbness.
I cant, she whispered finally, her voice oddly calm. I dont have any tears left. And I dont want to.
Her words hung in the air, heavy as thunderclouds. Tom closed his eyes, fighting his own hopelessnesshe had to be strong for her, even as the ground seemed to drop away beneath him.
Afterwards, Emily drifted into silence, unreachable. Her face was frozen, her body slack, her eyes glued to some point far away. Tom tried to rouse her, calling her name, touching her armbut nothing brought her back. Even the nurses, checking in, found her silent and inert, staring blankly ahead like the world had ended.
Later, a nurse suggested something to steady her nervesa gentle prick in the arm, and then Emilys thoughts grew hazy, her body heavy, as if she were being drawn under a cold, dark sea. Troubled, dreamless sleep took her.
When she woke, she was no longer in the hospital, but her own roomthe familiar curtains, the old bookshelf, the framed photo on her nightstand. It looked both familiar and alien, as if shed returned to a place she once loved but now struggled to recognise.
Slowly, she turned her headTom was there, slumped on the futon, eyes red, cheeks dark with stubble. He was murmuring with their mother, who had come back from a work trip as soon as shed heard. Mums face was pale, eyes ringed with shadows, but her voice was steady.
I worry about her, Toms low voice filtered through, just loud enough for Emily to hear. Shes always been fixated on him, Mum. What do we do now?
Time heals, her mother replied gently, though there was little conviction. She clung to some hope, but even she seemed unsure. Well look after her. Together.
Emily listened, frozen beneath the blanket, unable to let them know she was awake. Inside, she felt hollow, as if someone had scooped out everything that made her herself. She closed her eyes again, feigning sleepshe couldnt face her familys concern, didnt know how to explain that her pain hadnt faded, only withdrawn behind a veil of exhaustion.
After a while, Tom tiptoed out, and her mother stayed, quietly stroking Emilys hand as if she could pass her own strength to her daughter. The clock on the wall ticked, the only sound in the oppressive silence as Emily lay quietly, breathing shallowly
*******************
Nine days. Forty days. Time slowed to a crawleach minute stretching on endlessly. Emily barely moved, spending her days perched on the wide window seat in her room, knees folded to her chest, staring into the garden.
Her gaze drifted to the old wooden bench beneath the sprawling sycamore tree. It was there, on a warm September evening, that Liam, nervous and stumbling, finally proposed. She remembered every secondhow his hands trembled as he held out the ring, the way he kept losing his words, then all at once barreled out his feelings, afraid hed lose his nerve. Shed laughed for joy, interrupting him with her yes.
Now the bench looked forlorn, forgotten. The trees bare, the garden emptyautumn had melted into winter, and Emily barely noticed. For her, time had stopped when she got the news.
Emily, come and have a bit of supper? her mother ventured, voice muffled and tentative.
Tiptoeing towards her, she gently touched Emilys shoulder. Her hand was coldshe, too, had seemed to freeze inside, as though a permanent winter had settled in her bones. She looked at Emily with such aching concern that tears brimmed in her eyes, but she blinked them back.
Im not hungry, Emily replied without turning. Her voice was flat, emotionless.
You really do need to eat, darling. Her mother tried for firmness, but a tremor betrayed her. Youve skipped meals again. You need your strength.
For what? Emily finally turned, her eyes as empty as stone. Who do I owe anything to?
Her mother recoiled, hurt by the blunt reply. She opened her mouth, searching for words, but found none. Turning away, she left the window seat. She had no answers anymore.
She paused at the door, looking back once at her daughter before leaving quietly. Tom stood waiting in the corridor, his expression gravehed heard it all.
I spoke to Dr. Harper, their mum whispered, clutching her apron. We need professional help. We cant manage alone.
Tom nodded. Hed known it for a while, but saying it out loud was another thing. Seeing Emily like thisso lifelesswas agony. He clenched his fists, simmering with rage at the unfairness of it all. But right now, actions were needed, not feelings.
Ill ring Dr. Harper in the morning. She said shed help if things got worse.
Mum nodded, casting another anxious glance at Emily, who still sat motionless by the window, as much a part of it as the glass.
That night, as darkness crept in and a chilly moon lit the parquet floor, Emily finally left her perch and drifted over to her bed. Her legs wobbledshe was weak from those long weeks of barely living. She undressed, crawled beneath the duvet and pulled it up to her chin.
The house was quiet but for the distant voices of her family. Emily closed her eyes, praying for a calm, dreamless sleep. But sleep brought her no rest.
She dreamed of Liam. He stood before her just as she rememberedhis favourite grey hoodie, that kind, steadfast smile. But this time he was serious.
Emily, he spoke clearly, as if right beside her. Look at yourself. What are you doing?
Emily wanted to answer, but couldnt find her voice. Liam stepped nearer.
Have you looked in the mirror? Youve let yourself go, Em. You cant go on like this.
She reached for him, but her hand passed through air. He was only a memoryher minds echo.
I I cant do it without you, she whispered, tears searing her face.
You can, said Liam, matter-of-factly. Youre stronger than you think. Youve always been strong. And you have to keep living. Do you understand? Carry on.
He moved even closer, and for a split-second she could swear she felt his palm warm against her cheek.
Youve got so much life ahead Some days will be good, some badthats life. But dont stop. Im still here, watching. Always. When you need me, just look up. Im among the stars. Call me if youre struggling. Ill be there.
Emily sobbed, trying to hold onto him, but he was already slipping away, dissolving into the darkness with only a whisper left behind:
Live, Emily. Promise me.
She jolted awake. Her room, the same moonlit floorboards, the same bed. Her pillow was soaked and her chest ached with unshed emotion.
Without thinking, she cried outinconsolably, shattering the night. Her parents and Tom rushed in.
Emmy, what is it? Whats wrong? Mum knelt beside her, holding her hands, searching her face for injury.
Does something hurt? Tom asked urgently. Where?
Emily didnt respond. She curled up, shaking silently. The vision of Liam, his loving, insistent eyes, his pleading words, filled her mind.
Promise me, she heard again.
And through her tears, through the storm inside her, she whispered:
I promise
Mum gathered her close, rocking her like she was a child again, Toms reassuring hand rubbing her shoulder. They didnt know what to say or doso they just held her.
And for the first time, pressed into her mothers shoulder, Emily felt the faintest flicker of something newa thought just beginning: if he still believed in her, still begged her to live, then somehow shed have to try.
Even if it was just for him.
************************
One gloomy evening, the family gathered in the living room. Mum set the teapot out, but no one touched their teano one had any appetite. Everyone knew something needed to change.
I think maybe we should move, Tom said at last, looking earnestly at Emily. Every corner here is a memory. Every walk down these streets hurts you, Em.
Emily huddled in her armchair, knees drawn to her chest. She didnt protest, didnt argueher gaze simply wandered to the rain-streaked window, to the blurred silhouettes of familiar houses outside. Her face was pale, but not as empty as before.
It might help, love, Mum added, putting a gentle hand on Emilys arm. A new place, new people A fresh start might let you breathe again.
Emily only slowly turned to her family. Her voice was small, but more alive than before:
Where would we go?
Theres a place in Oxford, said Tom. My mate works for a firm therehe could help me find work. Well rent at first, then figure it out.
Mum nodded, her voice low:
Theres a college that would suit you, Im sure. Well sort everything. The main thing is for you to feel better, darling.
Emily fell silent. Pictures flashed through her mind: she and Liam giggling on the old garden bench, strolling side by side along their street, him handing her flowers outside the school gates. Every placeevery tree, every brickwas haunted by thoughts of him. The pain never truly faded here; it only sharpened.
All right, she said at last. Lets move.
The words werent easy; there was defeat and a little hope in them. But it was a decisionher first in a long while.
The next weeks were a whirl of packing, shifting, planning. Emily did little but watch as the others boxed up their lives, emptied cupboards, wrapped the last sentimental trinkets in newspaper. Sometimes shed pause, staring at a tiny charm Liam had given her, a faded photo, tickets from their first cinema date. She lingered over each memory, then tucked it away.
On the day they left, Emily stepped out onto the balcony and took one final look at the garden, the street, the place where everything had begun. She felt the ache in her chest, but forced herself not to be overwhelmed. I can do this, she told herself. I must.
The new city greeted them with grey skies and busy streets. The flat was large and bright, and for a long while Emily simply stared out the window at unfamiliar roofs and strangers below, the city seeming both foreign and freeing. Here, the past didnt press in on her. Here, her story could start again.
The first days were hardest. Emily woke up feeling like her life belonged to someone else. She missed her old friends, missed the quiet corners that belonged to her and Liam. Some nights he visited her in dreamssmiling, encouragingand she woke with damp cheeks, hollow but not entirely broken.
Gradually, Emily started noticing the little thingstulips blooming in the park, a friendly barista at the café who remembered her name, the first time she managed a smile without effort. These were tiny victories, but each felt important. She would never forget Liamhe was a part of her, always. But she came to understand: carrying on was not a betrayal. It was her last promise to him.
She took prep classes, lent a hand at home, and sometimes ventured out with Tom, discovering their new streets. Every day was a fresh challenge, but each day, something grewa fragile, stubborn hope.
Somewhere inside, she felt that Liam was still with her.
And somehow, he was proud.
Because she was holding on.
Because she was livingOne golden spring afternoon, Emily found herself beneath the blossom-heavy branches of a city park, notebook poised in her lap, the sun painting soft circles on the grass. She watched a group of children play tag: their laughter soared, wild and bright, as they swirled around the tulips. For an aching moment, she was the girl with pigtails againchasing dreams, holding on, never doubting the joy to come.
She took a slow breath. Her hair, longer and lighter now, spilled over her shoulders, stirred by a gentle breeze. In her heart, the ache of loss was softer, its edges blunted by time and new possibility. She reached for her pen, tracing shapes on the paperwords about love, loss, and the peculiar bravery of simply going on.
Soon, shed be starting her new course at the college. She was anxious and hopeful, and, for the first time in a long while, she felt the quiet thrill of something beginning. In the distance, Tom waved from his spot on a nearby bench, a book in his lap, keeping a careful, comfortable watch.
A dog bounded past, chasing a ball. Emily smiled as the pup stumbled into her lap, tongue lolling, tail thumping. She scratched behind his ears and, in his bright, trusting eyes, saw a glimpse of fearless happiness.
Across the park, a young man in a red scarf called out, Sorry! Hes friendly, but a real rascal.
Emily laugheda sound full and real, surprising even herself. Thats all right. I needed a smile today.
As the young man retrieved his dog, he grinned, shaded with the gentle warmth of a new acquaintance. Im Ben. And this is Murphy. We come here most afternoonslooks like you do too?
Emily hesitated, but felt a spark of something she thought shed lost: curiosity about the world, about peopleabout what might come next.
Maybe Ill see you again, she found herself saying, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
He nodded, and there was a comfortable, easy silence. Then Ben and Murphy jogged away, sunlight catching in their wake.
Emily looked back at her open notebook. On the page, shed written just one lineunplanned and simple, but truer than anything:
I am still here.
She closed her eyes, let the breeze brush her cheek, and felt it: the hum of life, fierce and fragile. Loss would always be a presence, a soft shadow along the edge of days. But she had survived it, carried it, and kept moving. In her chest, hope fluttered gentlyuncertain, but unbroken.
And as the laughter of children rang out, new and old mixing on the April air, Emily promised herself once again:
She would always, somehow, just carry on.
