Just Carry On
Martha, a cheeky little girl with two wild pigtails sticking out to the sides, was darting up and down the airy, sun-filled veranda of her familys country house. Her eyes sparkled with excitement and her cheeks glowed red after her energetic runaround. Spotting her older brothers mate, David, ambling towards the back gate, Martha skidded to a sudden halt. She paused only for a second before dashing after him, slightly out of breath.
Without a moments hesitation, Martha leapt to catch up and clung onto Davids hand with her tiny, warm fingers. She craned her neck, gazing up at him with all the open affection and sincerity only a child has, and let out a loud, bubbling laugh.
Im never letting you go! she beamed. When Im all grown up, Im going to marry you, David! Just wait for me!
For a split second, David froze, eyebrow raised in surprise, but then he broke into a warm, gentle grin. He looked down at this whirlwind of a girl, soft amusement flickering in his eyes. In a lazy, teasing voice, he answered,
Ill wait.
He carefully tousled her wild hair, making her scruffy pigtails even more dishevelled. Martha squinted for a tick, then giggled again, still gripping his hand.
Until then, David said, crouching down so they were eye-to-eye, promise me youll listen to your mum and dad, and do your schoolwork properly. Only the best-behaved girl can be my fiancée.
His voice wasnt stern at all. He spoke kindly, with that special warmth adults often take on when they talk to children. Martha thought for a moment, as if truly taking his request to heart, then nodded purposefully, holding his hand even tighter.
Alright! Ill be the very best!
The atmosphere hung with the golden ease of a summer afternoon, bursting with laughter, sunlight, and those innocent childhood dreams which, for a heartbeat, seem so utterly real
***********
Years later, Martha sat in her bedroom, idly flipping through her maths revision guide. Evening crept in, painting her windowpane with the blue-grey of twilight. The house was unusually quiet, apart from the low murmur of voices from her brother Nathans room. She caught Davids name, and straightaway Martha felt her heart pounding in her chest. She paused, straining to hear more. Nathan was talking about meeting up, a café, and about her smile It was obvious David had a new girlfriend.
Without even thinking, Martha got up and tiptoed down the hallway, pressing her ear to her brothers bedroom door. Every part of her wanted to shake off the doubts, but stubbornly she kept listening. Maybe Im overthinking, she told herself anxiously.
Nathan finished his call and came out, catching Martha standing awkwardly in the hallway.
Davids seeing someone new, isnt he? she blurted, not waiting for him to say anything. She tried to make her voice sound casual but it wavered, betraying her.
Nathan regarded her closely and let out a tired sigh, not unkind, just worn out. Hed long since noticed the way his sister lit up every time Davids name came up, how shed sneakily scroll through his photos on Facebook, the way her face changed when David was anywhere near.
Youre still going on about that? Nathan rolled his eyes, leaning in the doorway. Martha, youre sixteen. Dont you think its time you grew out of this silly infatuation? Its just a childhood crush.
Stubbornness flashed in Marthas eyes. She folded her arms tight across her chest, chin set.
No way! she shot back, tossing her golden-brown curls. You dont understand. He will fall in love with me, youll see! I know its not just a silly crush. I really mean it!
She sounded fierce, almost defiant, but deep inside, she was trying as much to convince herself as her brother. She remembered the quick glances David sometimes cast in her direction, the faintest curve of a smile just for her, the odd accidental brush of his hand. She clung to those moments, piecing together hope from the tiniest scraps.
Nathan just shook his head, not sure what to say. He could see the fire in her eyes, the way her lips trembled as she spoke. No logical argument would reach her now; her old, childish crush on his best friend had grown into something far bigger than anyone realised.
***********
A ray of sunlight sneaked through the gap in the curtains, casting a warm, honey-coloured glow across the living room. Martha burst in, as if carried by a sudden gust, her face so bright it could have outshone the morning sun. Her eyes sparked like little stars and her smile was so wide it looked as though it might split her face in two.
She barely managed to catch her breath after galloping down the stairs before bounding straight up to Nathan, who was calmly sipping his coffee and browsing the news on his iPad.
He asked me out! Martha squealed, struggling to contain her excitement. Her voice sounded like bells chiming, her fists clenched in happiness. And look at what he got me for my birthdaya gorgeous little jewellery box with my name engraved on the lid. And he said, since Im finally eighteen, he can tell me now David loves me!
She was practically jumping up and down, fiddling with her hair every two seconds like shed only just remembered it might be out of place. Her delight was so contagious that even the air seemed to buzz gleefully.
Nathan looked up, set his mug aside, and smiled with genuine warmth. Hed seen this coming for a whilenot just for his sister, but for David as well. Over the past six months, David had brought up Martha constantly. Casual talk about her weekend plans, offhand musings about her favourite flowers, floating suggestions for trips out as a group.
Shes so beautiful, David would muse, staring into space. And clever, and funny I cant wait for her to turn eighteen. You dont mind, do you, if we give it a go?
Nathan always replied the same way: If shes happy, Im all for it. He trusted David. He knew him to be reliable and genuine, someone whod proved himself more than once. And now, looking at Martha glowing with happiness, he was certainshe couldnt have picked anyone better.
Well, congratulations, Nathan said at last, rising to wrap Martha in a hug. Im really happy for the both of you. Genuinely.
As Martha hugged her brother back, still a little bit in disbelief, it honestly felt as if the whole world had become kinder, brighter, just for her. Even the ginger tomcat, lazing on the windowsill, seemed to be purring a song of approval
***********
Everything fell apart so suddenly.
Martha sat in a stiff plastic chair in the drab corridor of the hospital. The walls were painted a tired shade of beige, the light dribbling in through the window dull and flat, as if the world itself was mourning. She stared ahead, not seeing the faded lino beneath her feet or the nurses hurrying past, but something much further away.
Her hands lay limply in her lap, her clothes creased and unfamiliar, her hair straggling messily over her shoulders instead of tied back as usual. She looked like a broken dollher usual spark, her familiar warmth, completely snuffed out. Again and again, images from the last evening played in her mind: sketching out wedding decorations with David at the kitchen table, laughing, debating ribbon colours, him promising it would all be perfect And then this morning, in one senseless moment, he was gone.
A driver lost control and smashed into three cars at a crossroads. No survivors. Not David, not the two others in the wrong place, nor the driver himself. One breath, and life was split in two, shattered into pieces never to be put back together.
The silence was broken by footsteps. Nathan appeared at the end of the corridor, pale and with red-rimmed eyes. He slowly knelt by Marthas side and pulled her gently into his arms. His hands trembled but he held them steady for her sake.
Martha? His voice barely rose above a whisper, as though he was afraid even his words might be too much. Marth, talk to me, please.
Martha turned her head slowly. Her gaze was dry but carried so much grief that Nathans heart wrenched. She looked at him as though seeing through him, to some far-off place he couldnt reach.
What about? Her voice was flat, almost as if she was speaking out of habit, completely disconnected.
Nathan swallowed, searching for words that wouldnt break her further.
Anything, he replied, squeezing her shoulders just a little, desperate to anchor her somehow. Tell me how you feel. Please, Martha. Just cry if you need todont bottle it up.
Martha shook her head silently. Her lips trembled but no tears came. She stared at her hands for a long time, as if to ask why they werent shaking, why her body wouldnt even react.
I cant, she managed at last, her voice peculiarly calm. Theres nothing left. I dont even want to try living anymore.
Her words hung between them, heavy and unyielding. Nathan shut his eyes tight, fighting his own wave of panic. He knew he had to be strong, for her sake, even if it felt like the ground was crumbling beneath him.
After that, Martha seemed to slip away from the world. She sat unmoving, staring ahead, immune to her brothers voice and even to the doctors who came in to check on her. For hours she didnt twitch or utter a word, as though the world no longer existed.
A nurse eventually gave her a sedativejust a tiny, practised prick to the armand the fog settled over Marthas mind, thoughts dissolving into a murky haze. A restless, feverish sleep followed, offering no comfort.
She woke up later somewhere else, not in the hospital but in her own bedroom. Familiar curtains, bookshelf, photo frame on the bedside tableit all looked both familiar and alien, as though shed returned to a place she once knew but could no longer claim as her own.
Martha turned her head slowly to find Nathan lounging on the little settee, hunched over, stubbly-faced and with puffy eyes. He was talking quietly to Mum, whod arrived home from a work trip the moment she heard the news. Mum was ghostly pale, with dark shadows marring her face, but her voice was full of firm resolve.
Im so worried about her… Martha overheard, even though they thought she was still asleep. From the time she was a child, shes been devoted to himshe never looked at anyone else. What happens now?
Time heals, they say, Mum replied, without conviction, visibly forcing herself to believe it. Weve just got to keep our eyes on her. Shell find her way, well make sure of it.
Martha listened but didnt move, didnt want them to know she was awake. Inside, there was nothing; she felt hollow, like someone had scooped out everything that made her herself. She let herself drift off again, only pretending to sleep, because she honestly didnt know what to say, how to explain that the pain hadnt gone anywhere, it had just slipped under a blanket of exhaustion.
Nathan lingered for a while before leaving quietly. Mum stayed, sitting by Marthas side and occasionally running a gentle hand over her arm, attempting to pass on some of her steadiness by touch alone. The silence weighed heavy, interrupted only by the old wall clocks ticking and Marthas shallow breaths.
***********
Nine days. Forty days. Time dragged by like treacle, sticking to every tick of the clock. Martha sat for hours at the wide windowsill in her room, knees hugged to her chest, staring blankly at the empty garden below.
Her eyes flicked now and then to the faded wooden bench beneath the big old plane tree. It had been right there, in the amber dusk of a September evening, that David, trembling and awkward, finally managed to propose. She remembered the way his fingers shook as he fumbled out the ring, starting and stopping his words over and over until he blurted it all out in a rush, terrified he might chicken out. Shed laughed for joy and said yes before hed even finished his sentence.
Now the bench seemed forlorn and out of place, the garden empty and sad. Autumn had long since given way to winter, although Martha barely noticed. For her, everything had stopped on the day she got the news.
Martha, darling, will you come and have something to eat? Mums voice broke through her thoughts. She came over quietly and placed a hand gently on Marthas shoulder, her fingers icy cold.
Im not hungry, Martha replied, not looking away from the window. Her tone was empty, as if she was talking about someone else entirely.
You must eat, Mum tried again, her voice trembling ever so slightly. You went the whole day yesterday without touching a thing. You need your strength.
Who for? Martha finally turned to look at her. Her eyes were listless. I dont owe anyone anything.
Mum froze for a moment, visibly shaken by those words, searching for anything else to say. But finding none, she sighed heavily, shoulders stooping as she moved away. She simply didnt know what else could be done.
At the door she paused and looked one last time at Martha, still perched rigidly on the windowsill, then slipped out. Nathan was waiting outside, his face tense with worryhed heard the whole exchange.
I spoke to Dr. Smith, Mum whispered, twisting the hem of her jumper. We really do need proper help. We cant do this on our own.
Nathan gave a solemn nod. Hed known it for a while, but saying the words made it feel brutally real. To see his once lively sister so lost and colourless nearly broke him. He balled his fists, determined to focus on the next step, not his feelings.
Ill call her tomorrow, he replied, phone already in hand. She said shed come if things got worse.
Mum just nodded, gazing back towards Marthas room and the silhouette of her daughter, now almost frozen into part of the window frame, part of this stuck-out-of-time existence.
That evening, after night had swamped the garden and a pale moon traced faint silver across the floorboards, Martha finally dragged herself from the windowsill. Her legs barely supported her as she moved to the bed, pulled her jumper off and crawled under the covers, blanket tucked right up under her chin.
The house was still. From the next room came a gentle murmur of parental voices. Martha shut her eyes, praying for a peaceful, easy sleep. The dream she got instead was anything but gentle.
David was therejust as hed been in life, with that soft half-smile and his favourite grey hoodie. But now his look was serious, almost stern.
Martha, he said, and his voice was so clear it might have been real. Look at you. What are you doing?
She tried to answer but no words came. He stepped closer.
Have you seen yourself lately? Youre in a right state. Come on, you cant go on like this.
She tried to reach him, only to find her hand sliced through empty air. He was gone, just a memory now.
I I cant do this without you, she whispered, feeling tears burning tracks down her cheeks.
You can, came his voice, steady and firm. Youve always been strong, Martha. You know you have. And you must keep living, got it?
He moved in so close she could almost feel his hand brushing her cheek.
There are good days ahead for youyeah, and some tough ones as wellthats real life. But you cant just give up. Ill always be with you, I promise. Just look upIm out there, watching, among the stars. If it ever gets too much, call on me. Ill help, somehow.
She sobbed, desperate to keep him, but he was already fading, his voice echoing faintly.
Promise me youll carry on, Martha. Promise.
She bolted upright, wide awake. The room was the same as beforethe familiar bed, the moonlight across the rug. But her pillow was soggy with tears, and her chest ached as if her heart was actually breaking all over again.
Suddenly she found herself crying aloudloud, ragged sobs shattering the stillness. Mum, Dad, and Nathan rushed in at once.
Martha, love, whats happened? Mum knelt by the bed, grabbing Marthas hands.
Where does it hurt? asked Nathan, scanning the room for something, anything, that could make her okay again.
But Martha couldnt answer. She just sat there, hugging her knees, crying soundlessly, over and over, lost in the memory of Davids voicehis gentle firmness, his final words.
Promise me, she heard again and again in her head.
And through her tears, through her pain, she whispered,
I promise
Her mum pulled her close, hugging her like a little child; Nathan hovered nearby, hand on her shoulder, silent but there.
And Martha, buried in her mothers arms, wondered quietly: How do you carry on? How do you breathe, eat, smile, walk, without him? But deep inside, something faint and fragile flickered into life. If he believed in her, if hed asked her to keep goingthen she had to try.
Even if it was just for him.
***********
On a damp and dreary evening the family gathered in the living room. Mum set out the tea, but no one touched their mugsnone of them could focus on something as ordinary as a cuppa. They all knew things couldnt go on as they were.
I think we should move, Nathan said softly but steadily, his gaze fixed on Martha. This place is just filled with memories. Every street corner, every brick its all painful for you.
Martha curled up in the armchair, knees hugged close. She didnt fight, didnt argue. Instead, she stared out into the rain, watching the water blur the outline of every familiar house. Her cheeks were pale, but there was no longer that hollow emptiness in her eyes.
Itll be easier in another city, Mum added, brushing Marthas hand. Somewhere new, new faces Maybe thatll help us start over.
Martha turned ever so slightly, her voice soft, but no longer completely lifeless.
Where would we go?
Theres a place in Manchester, Nathan said. One of my old school mates offered me a job there. Well rent a flat and sort things from there.
Mum nodded:
Theres a college for you as well. Well get things sorted. What matters is that you feel better.
Martha thought for a moment. In her mind flashed little film reelsher and David laughing on the garden bench; walking hand-in-hand through familiar streets; him passing her flowers outside the old school gates. Every building, house, treeeverything seemed linked to him. And the memories stung sharply.
Alright, she said at last. Lets move.
The words didnt come easy. To them there was both heartache and a flicker of hope. But it was her decisionthe first shed managed in months.
The following weeks passed in a blur of packing. Martha mostly watched as her parents and Nathan boxed up their home. Sometimes shed pick up a keepsakea keyring from David, an old photo of the two of them, a cinema stub from their first dateand study it for ages before placing it in a box.
On the day they left, Martha stood on the balcony, gazing once more at the garden where it had all begun. Her heart ached, but she didnt let herself drown this time. Ill manage, she told herself silently. I must.
The new city welcomed them with overcast skies and busy streets. Their flat was bright and open; Martha stood for ages at her window, staring out at rows of unknown houses, watching strangers hurrying along. Everything felt foreign, but in that unfamiliarity lay an odd kind of freedom. Here, no place held memories. Here, it was a clean slate, a chance to write a new chapter.
The first days were rough. Martha woke each morning struggling to believe any of this was her life now. She missed the old place, the familiar faces. Sometimes at night, shed dream of Davidhed smile, say something encouraging, and shed wake with tear-stained cheeks.
But slowly, she started noticing little things. Tulips blooming in the park down the road. The barista in the café remembering her usual order and giving her a little smile the next time she walked in.
Tiny steps, but they helped. David was never far from her mindshe knew she would never forget him. But she finally realised that carrying on wasnt a betrayal of his memory. It was doing exactly as hed askedhis last request.
She began attending college taster sessions, helped her mum around the flat, sometimes even joined Nathan on walks in their new city. Each day was a challenge, but each day brought something newsomething not to replace the past, but to add to it.
Somewhere deep inside, she knew he was still watching over her.
And she knew hed be proud.
Because she was holding on.
Because, somehow, she was living.
