Not Guilty, Yet to Blame
You take your daughter and go. Theres nothing left between us!
But, Ben
Ive said everything! And I never want to see you again!
The front door slammed, and Helen staggered. The room blurred, her ears rang, and she almost thought she heard her mums voice, distant but startlingly sharp: Dont you dare!
Somehow, that helped. Helen breathed shakily, forcing herself to take a step, then another, finally sinking into a dining chair, digging her nails hard into her palms. That pain helped snap her out of the fog threatening to swallow her up.
No! She couldnt let herself fall apart like this. She couldnt give in to despair. As tempting as it was
Dont you dare! Theres Lucy to think of! And No, better not go there yet. She needed to pull herself together, and try and work out what had just happened.
What could have made Ben turn on her so suddenly? Why was he throwing her out? Everything was fine only yesterday or was it?
Now her mind began to clear, and Helen laid her hands palm-up on the kitchen table.
Right! How did Mum teach her? If you dont know what to doanalyse! Break it down, count it off finger by finger. Or better yet, find a pencil and make a list!
But her pencils were all in the study, and Lucy was sleeping in there
Her daughter had always been a light sleeper and Helen didnt want to wake her right now. Lucy would fuss and cry, and that would be the end of any chance to think things through.
She was just going to have to work with what she had.
Helen stared at her hands, instinctively clenching them into fists. Her nails had seen better days; who had the time for a manicure? Her hands were rough, skin freckled from all the time she spent in the garden. Whod have thought shed take to homemaking so much and forget all the things her mum taught her?
Helen, youre a woman!
Im a girl, Mum!
Not for long! One day youll be grown up, just like me. And grown women dont just let themselves gonever, no matter what! Manicures, pedicures, hair done, tidy hands. That says more about you than any designer dress. You shouldnt wear diamonds if you havent washed your neck for a week! Got it?
Yes, Mum, eight-year-old Helen chirped back, smearing her mums lipstick across her lips in front of the mirror.
And thats enough of that for now! her mum would laugh, taking the lipstick. Thats not your shade! Anyway, you dont need make-up yet. Youre already pretty! Everything in its time, love. When youre a bit older, well pick out some for you together.
Oh, Mum
Thats final!
Helen didnt hear Thats final too often, but when she did, she knew it was no use arguing. Her mum always meant what she said.
Always.
Helen, Im off. Youll stay with Grandma for a while. Its just how it has to be.
Mum, will you be gone for long? Helen, just ten years old the previous day, twisted her dress and bit her lip to hold back tears.
Six months. Ive been offered a really good job. But its up northtoo chilly for you there. Youre better off here, with Grandma. Shell look after you, and Ill ring and write as much as I can.
Mum, dont go
Helen would start crying then, and her mum, desperate to soothe her, would get cross out of pure frustration.
Thats enough! I havent got another option! If I dont take this job, well never move out from your grandmas. I want you to have your own room! And a trip to the seaside. If your dad was still here, Id never even consider it. But its just me nowfor you and Grandma!
Weve still got Aunt Claire! Helen insisted, shaking her head, refusing to listen.
Claires got her own problems. She needs our help too!
Just help me! Stay!
Helen blurted it out, and for the first time, she saw her mums gaze turn icy.
Helen! Her mums voice was so cold that Helen shivered. You cant think only of yourself. Thats not how it works. If you never think of other people, no one will think of you when you need it. Im doing this for you! And I promise, just this once. Try to be brave, sweetheartjust this once.
Helen had no choice but to nod, even though her heart ached with what felt like a pack of wildcats clawing at it.
She wrote letters to her mum, and at weekends shed clutch the phone and shout how much she missed her. She missed her mum so much that shed even turn down her favourite ice cream sometimes. Time seemed endless, and when her grandma announced they were off to the airport to fetch her mum, Helen cried so hard that in the end, Grandma called a taxishe just couldnt calm her down otherwise.
Her mum kept her promise. She never left Helen like that again. There were work trips, yes, but never for so long.
They really did move out of that tiny flat Helens dad left them, into a larger one. Helen got her own room. But she hardly spent time in itshed sweep up her books from her desk and head for the kitchen as soon as Mum was home, and theyd be together, sometimes just keeping quiet if Mum had brought work home.
It just felt right.
They seemed to sidestep most of the dramas of Helens teenage years. No massive rows, because Helens mum had a saints patience and tact, and Helen would often marvel later at just how much love her fragile mum held inside, unsupported as she was. Grandma was gone by then, just the two of them left.
Mum didnt see her sister anymore.
Helen never really asked why, but once she didand she got a clear, straight answer.
You can forgive almost anything except betrayal.
Who did Aunt Claire betray?
Our mum. Your grandma. Grandma so wanted to see hertalk to her one last time. But Claire never came
Why not?
She was worried Id ask her to stay and help nurse her. Which would have been her duty too. She didnt want to say she couldnt watch Mum like that, couldnt wash or feed her, couldnt cope seeing the woman who had been our rock start to slip away
And you could?!
Of course I couldnt, her mum said, lips wobbling, and Helen reached over to hug her, wanting to comfort her. Of course I didnt want to see Mum like that. But I had no choice, Helen. None. She was my mother. I had to do everything so she could go peacefully, with us at her side even if she could hardly recognise us.
Is that why you only let me see Grandma for a few minutes each day?
Yes. I didnt want you to remember her like that.
You know, I dont. I remember her teaching me how to make jam. Do you remember how wed save the pretty pink jam scum on a plate to eat with the tiniest spoon? So much tastier that way
We did that as girls, me and Claire.
How are you and Aunt Claire so different? Grandma loved you both, treated you the same
Thats just how life turns out, Helen. Mum always coddled Claireshe was very poorly as a child. Maybe thats why Grandma thought she had to protect her from everything, not just sore throats I dont know.
Did it work?
What?
Protecting her?
No. You know how Claires lifes turned out: two husbands, three kids, everythings a bit of a mess Mum meant well, but I learned from her what not to do.
You mean you shouldnt shield your children from everything?
No, not like that! You must support your kidsbut with your head as well as your heart! You arent a proper mum if you wont help your child. But what good is wrapping them in cotton wool, trying to live their life for them? Thats not right, Helen. Bumps and bruises, mistakes, learning from themthats how we grow. Most of us dont learn from others mistakeswe only learn from our own. Who knows how things would have gone for Claire if shed had to deal with real problems on her own? I promise you, Ill always help you if you need me. But dont expect me to fix everything for you. Face problems, think them through, and if you really cant manage, Ill always be therealways. Understand?
Yes, Mum
And now, Helen sat, counting off on her fingers, trying to figure out what had gone so badly wrong, and when.
Yesterday, theyd celebrated Bens birthday. Nothing fancy, just family, since it wasnt a milestone year. Summer, after all, and thanks to the big house theyd finished doing up last year, there was space for everyone.
Helens mum arrived, as did Bens mum, and his sister Claire with her family.
Lucy, delighted that shed have playmates, whizzed round the garden firing questions at Helen:
When will they get here? Will we swim in the pool? Will?
A never-ending flow of questions, and Helen finally stopped answering, as Lucy usually supplied her own commentary anyway, tidying her room for the guests. Cant welcome people if the house is a tip, after all!
Ben had gone out to the market and soon the kitchen was a hive of activity. Helens mum chatted to her as they cooked, keeping a beady eye on her daughter.
Mum, whats wrong? Why are you so worried? Helen finally grumbled.
Nothings wrong, love. How far along are you?
Then Helen realised that the secret shed hardly admitted to herself was already out. It felt like a weight had lifted, and she found herself laughing, hugging her mum.
Just three weeks or so. Even Ben doesnt know. How do you always guess?
You glow, love. All gentle and soft Just like when you were having Lucy.
Mum, Im scared
What for? You two are fine, arent you?
I just feel off. Bens been acting odd, all moody. I cant work out whats going on with him
Well, have you asked him?
He wont tell me!
Then ask properly!
Mum!
What? Am I wrong? Your husbands sulking, and you cant pin him down and get the truth out of him? Didnt I teach you better? You cant ever let the ones you love drift away! Not even half a step! Let him go and he might find someone else to pour his heart out to, who knows where that leads
Helen ticked off another finger. There it wasthat was when it had started. Her worries were so vague shed ignored them until Mum suggested she talk to Ben.
But Helen hadnt got round to it. It was party time, then the huge clean-up after the guests left, and she never found five minutes to take Bens hand and ask what was going on.
Then he blurted out that sentence shed never understood.
Take your daughter!
What on earth was that supposed to mean?
Helen clenched her fists. Not this time! She was going to do it right now, just like Mum had taught her. First step, talk to her husband. No more riddles.
Ben was just firing up the car, ready to leave, when Helen burst out onto the front step, shouting so loudly that sparrows scattered from the driveway hedge.
Wait!
She leapt the last step and ran to the gate.
Ben gawped, mouth open, as she stood in front of the car and braced her hands on the bonnet.
Move! His voice was flat, but Helen heard the crack shed been hoping for.
He didnt want to leave. He didnt want to walk out on his family. Shed been right.
Get out! Were talking this out right now, before Lucy wakes up. What are you playing at? Where are you going? Whats all this about? Am I your wife or some stranger?
Helens voice was building, and Ben felt like something inside him was twisting tight.
Would she really be yelling her head off if she didnt care about him, like his sister said? Why would she stop him if she couldnt wait to see the back of him? Did he even want Lucy to grow up without her dad?
He got out at last, scowling, mumbling,
Oh, come off it. As if you dont know why Im doing this!
If I knew, I wouldnt be asking! Ben, whats going on? Youve been acting so weird for weeks, and today you totally lost it! Did you even hear yourself? Why call Lucy my daughter? Isnt she yours?
I dont know anymore! Ben burst out, finally looking her in the eye. You tell me! Whos her real dad? Why does her father meet up with her secretly?
What on earth are you talking about? Helen gaped. Are you mad?!
Who do you keep seeing in town when you take Lucy to her piano lessons?
Helen gasped at the accusation but forced herself to stay calm.
Oh, I see! she said, And who opened your eyes? Your mum? Or your darling sister?
Mums nothing to do with it!
So Claire, then.
And even if it was! Isnt she supposed to look out for me if she sees something? Shes my sister!
And Im your wife! Anger rushed in Helen like a tidal wave. Youll believe anyone but me! Anyone at all, as long as its not me! Is that it?!
Youve lied to me!
Me? Ben, listen to yourself! When have I ever lied to you? About what?!
Whos the man you meet up with at the park every week with Lucy? Who is he?!
Helen gave a short laugh, shaking her head.
I told you about him! Werent you even listening?!
When did you ever? What did you say?!
You were off to watch the matchChampions League or whatever. Lucy and I had just got back from her lesson, and I mentioned I ran into an old schoolmate, Peter. Hes just moved back after years awayhis mums ill. He heard my grandmother struggled with the same thing, so he asked for my advice. He needed details for a good doctor, and a carer. We met a few more times. And if your sister had bothered to look, shed have seen I was never alonemy mums been with us every time! Do you really think Id sneak around with a lover, with my own mum watching? Shed never forgive me! Sometimes I think she loves you more than meshes always been so proud of you! And you
Helen waved her hand, sniffled.
Not nowshe was not going to cry. Absolutely not!
Wait! Are you saying?
Ben, Ive told you everything! Helen cut him off, fixing him with a look that made Ben involuntarily back up. You believed a hateful rumour. Just like thatyou believed it, and forgot everything thats ever mattered between us! Dragged my love and our childs name through the mud! Do you understand what youve done?! I have no idea why Claire decided to stir this up! And honestly, I dont care! She came into our home, sowed discord, and smiled at me the whole evening while laying her trap. But thats not the point! Its what you did that hurts me, Ben! What do you expect? A DNA test? Fine. Lets do one. I have nothing to hide. Just so youll finally see the daughter who looks at the world with your eyesshes yours.
Helen listened for a moment, then sighed.
Shes woken up.
She turned and walked inside, leaving Ben gaping in the driveway.
A moment later, she heard the car engine as he actually pulled away.
Lucy was chattering away, hugging Helens leg, desperate for attention, and all Helen wanted to do was scream.
How had it come to this?! What had she done wrong? What nowcall her mum, pour it all out to her? Or should she wait a bit, give herself time to think?
Never tell me about your rows with Ben. Not unless youre absolutely sure its finished, nothing left tying you together. Then ring me, and Ill come, day or night! But until thendont. Youll fight and make up, but Ill never forgive him for hurting my child. Ill never trust him again.
Helen turned her phone over in her hands, then put it aside. Not yet Ben had to know he was going to be a dad again. Only after that would she decide what to do next.
The decision calmed her a little, and by the time Bens car screeched to a halt outside again, shed managed to steady herself.
She was feeding Lucy in the kitchen when Ben flung the door open, dragging Claire in behind him.
Go on, get in! Ben growled. Helen, where are you?
In here Helen looked at her daughter, alarmed.
A row in front of Lucy wouldnt doshe mustnt see this.
Sweetheart, have you finished your lunch? Go to my room and put on some cartoons, alright?
Yes, Mummy! Lucy shoved her plate away and zoomed off, Hi, Daddy! Hi, Auntie Claire! Mummy said Im allowed TV!
The babble of her little voice broke the tension a little. Ben dropped Claires hand, and Helen hurried to take charge before Ben messed things up even further.
Go on, Lucy! Ill be up soon.
No need to hurry, Mum! Lucy beamed at her aunt and scampered up the stairs to Helens bedroom.
The adult conversation that followed was rough. Claire cried, Ben fumed, and Helen listened in disbelief at her sister-in-law.
I thought you were cheating on him! You know how many families are like thisthe husbands a fool and the wife does what she wants! Ive heard so many horror stories from my friends, I dont trust anyone anymore.
So you think Im like your friends? Claire, do you cheat on your husband? Are your kids really his then?
Claire squeaked, too shocked to cry.
What are you saying?!
What about you, Claire?! Do you even realise how much damage you could have caused with your stupid gossip? I wont even talk about Benyes, hes an idiot for believing you, but its natural to trust your family. You twisted that trust. Why?
I dont know Claire slumped, crying with no attempt to hide her tears. I really dont know. I thought I was protecting him
From me? And how did that go?
Helen shrugged and looked at Ben.
Are we done? Any more questions?
Helen
No, Ben! Enough! Im too hurt. I need time to think, to work out what comes next. Claire, I dont want you in my house for now. Dont bother asking whyyou know. Ben, you tooyou got the message. Off you go.
She walked to the hall, opened the door, and nodded.
Helen and Ben would make up, eventually, but only on her terms. No one in the family, except Claire, would ever know what really went on. Sometimes the dirty laundry is best left inside. For that wisdom, Helen would always thank her mum.
Later, Helens mum would cuddle her new grandson, cooing over how much the baby looked like his dad, and give Helen a wry smile.
Youve grown into a wise woman, my girl. A good wife and mum, as well
Really?
When have I ever lied to you?
Mum, what does it even mean, wise? You say I am, but I dont feel it
A womans wisdom, love, is in keeping all the precious things life gives herher children, family, home, friendsbringing them together and nurturing them, making life warm and bright for everyone. Its not easy! You need to keep deciding whats worth holding on to, and whats better thrown away so you dont ruin what you have. I think youve learned that lesson.
Yeah?
Im certain. Oh, and by the way, Peter rang. Hes getting married next month. He asked me to pass on an invite for you and Ben.
Mum
Oh, hush. Ill look after the children! Just do me one favour first, wont you?
What?
Go get your nails done, love!
Alright!
Helen would hug her mum, give Ben and Claire the nod as Claire hovered awkwardly away from the other guests, and wink at Lucy:
Come on then, help me settle your baby brother.
Can I? Lucy would beam, gently touching her brothers tiny fist.
You must, love. You mustOf course, youre my big helper! Helen grinned, and as Lucy cradled her brother with curious care, Helen glanced through the open kitchen window. The garden was golden in the evening light, laughter floating up as Ben played catch with a group of cousins. Claire was at the far table, busy pouring lemonade, catching Helens eye with a hopeful, sheepish smile.
Helen returned the look, just for a moment, and let it pass like a warm windacknowledgement, forgiveness, a step toward something better. There would always be doubts in the world, and stones thrown from the shadows, but here, in this sunlit little corner, Helen knew she could choose what lasted and what faded.
Lucy leaned in, whispering, Will he have freckles like us, Mummy?
I hope so, love. Freckles mean youre kissed by the sun. Helen kissed both children softly, her heart full enough to tremble.
She breathed ina breath that held her mothers voice, her own courage, the scent of cut grass and promiseand exhaled it all into the hush of the settling house.
Whatever storms might come, Helen would remember: lifes worst gales could still leave the sweetest peace in their wake. She would keep choosing, keep loving, keep building her bright little patch of safe havennails imperfect, heart undaunted.
And when the first star winked above the garden, Helen would smile, knowing tomorrow was waiting, hers to shape, with all its beautiful, fierce, ordinary hope.
