Raindrops
Shes not scary at all! Shes beautiful! Max, tell them!
Sasha clutched a battered, scrawny cat to her chest and wailed so loudly the neighbours had to cover their ears.
Like all the girls in her boisterous family, Alexandras voice was deep and cut through the air, and if she couldnt always make a point clearly, she could certainly make it loudly. At just five, she had no equal on the estate for making the window panes shiver with a scream.
Everyone was used to Sasha and her many brothers and sisters by now. Nobody paid too much attention to their antics, understanding that Tanya, their mum, struggled to keep such a pack in order. Tanyas shifts were enough to leave anyone exhausted, and she got by for years where another would have gone to pieces and hung their head over the fence.
That fence, a beautiful wrought iron one separating their old converted manor house from the street, was the pride of everyone in the building. Tanya, together with her neighbours, painted it every spring and so had every right to lean on it for as long as she pleasedthough she always refused, with a sigh.
Were all horses, arent westurdy, beautiful, clever dray horses. No ones going to cart your load for you. You do it all yourself! And meIm the immortal pony, galloping in circles without ever knowing where Im headed. I know why, but never the where. Someones always nudging you forward and all you do is bury your nose in the tail of the horse ahead, just dreaming of nighttime, bedsheets fresh, children washed and full, and an empty sink Not because the dirty dishes vanished, but because someones already washed them. Its strange, but that emptinessthats happiness.
Tanya had a philosophical way and was still attractive, but who noticed a woman with six young children and no real help or support? Shed given up on romance long ago. Her days were full enough.
Being mother to six was no picnic and everyone knew the story behind Tanyas big family.
Sasha, like three of the children, was adopted.
Tanya hadnt taken them in from a childrens home in a sudden burst of heroism. She might have been capable, perhaps, but not thennot alone. She hadnt even considered being a single parent, let alone with such a brood. Life, however, plays its own games, handing out tests of faith, heart, and mind without so much as a by-your-leave.
And so Tanya was given her test and, really, there had never been any doubt how shed answer.
These children were her legacya sort that you either accept or dont. Tanya decided that in her case, refusing wasnt an option. After all, she hadnt been abandoned. Why abandon othersespecially when they were family, her own blood?
Tanya grew up in the 90s. Her mum was a beauty queen of their small town in Surrey, the subject of envy and admiration. Shed landed herself a business-minded husbandso business-minded that no one cared to know the details, only that they were better left unsaid.
Tanya didnt remember her parents. She and her granny would visit their grave, gently running tiny fingers over the old photograph on the stone and whispering secrets about her drawings at school or the red-and-white scarf granny knitted her. It wasnt until sixteen that Tanya learned what had happened.
Your father, love, was a real gangster, left us way too soon and took my girl with him. I know its wrong to speak ill of the dead, but I cant forgive him for your mum. I begged her not to go with him, but she loved him. He did love her, toohis mates said he shielded her when they came for him, tried to save her. Maybe he truly did love her You know, youre the only joy left to me from my girl.
It dawned on Tanya why odd visitors used to come by, loitering in awkward silence, cradling cups of tea while granny praised her school achievementsand leaving envelopes stuffed with cash, never saying a word.
Granny never refused the money, but she wouldnt spend it either. By the time Tanya finished school, theyd bought a large, airy flat for her.
This is for you, darling. Your legacy, from your mumand your dad.
Tanya didnt want to move there. She preferred to stay with granny.
Why not, Tan? Its lovelyand right by your school. You could walk to work. Why be so stubborn?
Not without you! Either you come too, or we stay here!
Granny resisted for ages, stuck on the memories of her daughter that filled every corner of their little flat. She only relented when cousin Gillian popped up.
Tanya, can we stay in your flat? Please! Ive got the kids, and you hardly live there. Its empty! Ill pay rent; itll help you and granny. And help with the address too. Cant get the little ones into school without it.
Gillian was resourceful and determined, and granny recognised she could talk her way into anything.
Dont listen to her, Tan! She may be my niece, but shes slyand not above taking you for a ride! Send her packing!
But Gran, she has children
So? Shes their mum; let her sort it! I have to look out for you!
Tanya, of course, listened to her granny but couldnt turn away the little ones, Max and Lizzie. The kids clung to her, soaking up the kindness, and would sulk when Gillian dragged them away: Come on, stop sniveling! Tanyas not your nanny!
Tanya cuddled them, wrestling with the injustice of a big empty flat while others finished their days crammed together. Gillian never tired of repeating that you cant turn your back on family.
Grannys words from childhood haunted Tanya: if only her dad had lived better, her mum might still be alive.
The deepest praise for Tanya was hearing, Well done, duck. Decent, that is. Like folk used to say. Im proud. Youre growing up a good person.
So with Gillian, Tanya tried to do the right thinguntil her granny surprised her.
This isnt right, Tan. Not at all.
Why not? Isnt it unfair for Gill with her kids to struggle with rented rooms, when I have a whole flat standing empty?
It is. Because shes not you! And youve forgotten that fable about the fox and the ice house. I remember it all too well!
Gran
Hush! She wont be living in your flat. End of!
But you never wanted to move
Now it seems we must. Youre right, we cant turn our backs on familybut giving everything away at the first whine is just daft! Gills tough. Shell find her own way, get her own house one day. She needs timeand the right kind of help. Not everything all at once! Mark my words, child, its not always a kindness to give so freely.
But why?
Because people wont strive if everythings handed to them. Give Gill the flat now and shell never leave; you wont have the heart to make her. She wants a good liferight away, not one day. Understand?
Maybe Gran, is it right to think badly of her?
I dont know, love. Maybe not. But thats just us planning for the messbetter a little discomfort now than a big ugly row later. Just let me handle it, will you? You stand asidedont get caught in the middle. Do it for Gills kids. Let them have an aunt who loves them. Thats important, you knowto have someone who truly cares, just because.
Yes, gran. Gill does love her kids.
Of course, she does. Shes their mum! But its no bad thing to have extra love, is it? Every drop of love in life is preciousdont ever forget that.
Time showed granny was spot on.
Gillian, when granny politely refused the flat, only sighed.
Knew youd always stand up for Tanya.
Were you hoping to hurt her?
No, course not. Youre my only family!
Come here, girl. Well help, as always.
Thank you For the truth, for helping me and the little ones.
Youre not a stranger to us, Gill. Remember that.
So, granny and Tanya moved to their new home and Gillian settled into the old flat. Yet time never stands still. Tanya wanted her granny to enjoy life quietly at last, but fate had other plans.
The doctors surgery was right next door and granny went like clockwork.
Feels like a job, this! shed joke, sifting through her prescription slips.
Her health was poor; Tanya always worried, often offering to go along, but granny just waved her off.
“Im not an invalid! Its just down the lane, love. Go on with your day!”
How Tanya later wished shed insisted
It was the usualwinter, slippery pavements, drizzle and ice, and just one careless step can change everything. Granny fell by the surgery, hit her head, and no one stopped. People hurried bybusy, busy. Who had time for an old lady lying awkward by the kerb?
A kindly minicab driver, having spotted her details in her bag, called an ambulance and rang Tanya. But it was too late.
Within a day Tanyas granny was gone. Tanya didnt leave the hospitals grey corridors, clinging to Gillian, who rushed in from work and barely let go of her hand.
How am I supposed towithout her, Gill?
Youre not alone! Dont lose your head. We have to hope! Gillian tried to brighten Tanyas spirits, but looking at the nurses faces, she knew it was no use.
She wouldnt want to see you in bits, Tan! She made you tough, didnt she?
Yes
So chin up. For her.
I will
A day later, Tanyas life shifted again. She was now the one responsiblefor everything.
And life only became busier.
Ollie turned up then, with whom Tanya spent five years before parting on decent terms, left with two kids, but at least no rancour. Ollie was honest to a faulthe told Tanya straight when hed fallen for someone else, but promised support.
Well always be mates, Tan, yeah?
Yes, Ollie, if you say so. And how could she even be angry? For honesty? For moving on? It happens. The kids loved their dad
She simply packed up his things and sent him on his way, then called the children, phoned Gill and asked her to come round.
Gill, still living at grannys old flat, had just finished helping her daughter with homework and was ready for a telling-off, but something in Tanyas quiet, wavering voice changed her mind.
On my way.
Half an hour later she was cradling Tanya, cursing Ollie under her breath.
Dont bawl your eyes out! Good riddance, I say! Some men, eh Theres nothing you couldve done. Hed have gone anyway. At least he sees the kids.
What do I do now, Gill?
Dont argue, thats my only advice. The rest sorts itself, believe me. Time doesnt heal, but it wraps your hurt up in new problems until you forget the pain a little.
Bloody hell, Gill, when did you get so wise?
Your gran, wasnt it? All her wisdom, not mine! See, shes still here, in us two, you can almost hear her
Thanks, gran Tanya dried her tears on a stray tea towel. Why does it hurt so much, though?
Thats how you know youre alive! If you stopped feeling, thatd be the real worry.
And Gill was right. Life moved on; Tanya found little time for misery. Ollie stuck around for the children, and when he told Tanya there was another baby on the way, it no longer stung.
Good for you, Ollie.
Thanks for handling it so well. Youre amazing!
She even managed a smile.
But life, of course, had another twist.
Oh, Gillhow could this happen?!
Same as always, Tan! I was married once, you know! Kids dont just pop up! Want a biology lesson? Gill grinned, but her eyes showed her fears.
What about the father?
Not important. Soon as he knew there were twins on the way, he vanished. Deserved a good fright, too!
And now?
Tan, what will I do? Medically, I know the answer, buthumanly? Where will I go with two more? Ive nothing.
Gill left the room, hand over her mouth, while the children raided the sweet jar nearby.
Oi! Share em out, you lot! No grabbing! Max took charge. Here, Auntie Tanya, you look sadhave a sweet. Always works!
Looking into his hopeful eyes, Tanya made what others would call reckless.
Youre mad, Tan! Gill said, clutching the deeds. I cant accept this.
You can and you will. Tanya smiled at the solicitor. Its the right thing, Gill. Gran would have understood. Your kids are wonderfulthey should have a home.
And so grannys flat became Gills and they all waited for the twins to come.
Sasha and Maisie were born on time, tiny but vocal, announcing themselves to the world at the top of their lungs.
Whatll you name them, mum? the nurse asked.
One after my mumAlexandra, and the other after my auntyMary.
Mustve been a special person, your aunt.
She was. Without her, these twod never have been born.
The children and Tanya met Gill at the hospital door.
Weve grown again! Tanya whispered, admiring them. Beautiful.
If only theyre happy Gill hugged her small crowd, hiding her worry.
Had she talked to Tanya about it, gone to the doctor sooner, things might have turned out differently.
No mother thinks of herself with a newborn. Gill fell ill just a week later. She called Max over as she rang the ambulance, nodding at the sleeping twins.
Keep an eye on them, Max. Ring Tanya as soon as you can. And dont start crying, youll upset Lizzie! Not yet
They couldnt save her. Her heart, which had never given trouble, suddenly stopped.
Once again, Tanya had a choice to makebut was there ever a choice? The children were hers now. Handing Max, Lizzie, and the twins over to strangers or a home was unthinkable. Granny had always said: youre responsible for your every word, your every decision.
Ollie helped. He found a good lawyer, sat with the kids while Tanya did the paperwork, fending off skeptical social workers.
Your wife doesnt mind?
No, she gets it. She knows you wont take me back, Tan.
True.
So whats the worry? He shrugged. Look, Tan, are you sure?
Im not sure at all, Ollie! Im terrified! But theres no other way. Theyre my familyhow could I split them up?
What are you afraid of?
Everything! Failing. Im on my own.
Youre notif you dont mind. Ill help. I owe you. Ollie wiped her tears. Dont cry, love. Well get through this. You know, youre the best woman Ive known. Never met a person like you! Dont worryyoull manage. Maybe no one else would, but youyou always do.
From your mouth to Gods ears, Ollie!
Im sure Hes listening. After all, your grans up there! Shell explain anything they dont understand.
For the first time since Gill died, Tanya managed a real smile.
After that, life washard. Tanya kept going by day; by night shed let herself sob, biting into her pillow so the children wouldnt hear.
Gran, what now? Which way to go? You always knew
And strangely, the right idea always surfacednot a full answer, but something. The tears would stop. Tanya would sleep, having found her next step. Maybe not always the best path, but the children grew. To them, Tanya was the worldno matter what, they knew to run to her. She would listen, she would understand, she would never be the source of pain.
So now, Sasha hugged her rescued cat, glaring at the neighbour who tsked, Tanya will throw you out with that filthy animal! Look at it, Sashaits got eczema or worse! Leave it!
No! Sasha shot a helpless look at her big brother, then back at the front door.
That day, Tanya was planning a trip to the zoo. Shed got up early, made breakfast, dressed the kids, organised everything. The younger ones were already outside with Max chaperoning.
Take them to the swings, Max! Ill be two minutes. Now, where did I put those old trainers?
Ask Lizzie, she cleaned her wardrobe! Were in the playground! Max ushered his sisters out. Mumput your other mascara on; looks odd with just one eye done. And dont rushIll watch them.
Tanya darted about the flatfound the trainers, did her other eye, even put on some lipstick (something she rarely bothered with at weekends). She glanced in the mirror. Yes, lots of children, worries as high as mountainsbut why not look nice, even for a Saturday at the zoo? Why not have a day for herself?
Shed learned something: You can trail after your children all day, moaning about chocolate stains and chaos, oryou can buy yourself candy floss, hand out ice creams, and say, Im off to see the elephantwhos with me? Remember the days with her own grannypicnic, homemade squash, crusty sandwiches in the sun. Now, she made the squash. Made the sandwiches. Her children would do the same. That was right.
Tanya slung on her backpack and dashed out. The neighbour coming up the stairs smirked.
Off you go, Tanyayoure in for a surprise!
Sasha ran to her, holding up the rescued cat.
Mum! Look! Shes beautiful, isnt she?
And what could Tanya say to that?
Nothing. She took the cat by the scruff, turned her over for a look, sighed.
Zoo trips off. Weve got our own tiger now. Max, which ways the closest vet? Off we go!
And it was a good day. Maybe the zoo would waitthere would be plenty to do. In time, that ragged little cat whom Sasha carried home, bold as you like for all the estate to see, would become a sleek, affectionate pet, bringing another droplet of joy to Tanyas homea veritable ocean of happiness.
And no one would be surprisednot Tanya, nor the children. Because for them, it was simple. Where there is love, theres never too much of it.
