My husband has always told me that Im not feminine enough. At first, hed mention it in passingsuggesting that if I wore more makeup, if I dressed in skirts and dresses, if I could be a bit more delicate. Thats just never been who I am. Ive always been practical, straightforward, and not particularly bothered by appearances. I work, I sort problems as they come, I do what needs to be done. He knew me this way from the start. I never pretended to be someone else.
As time has gone on, his comments have become more frequent. Hes started comparing me to women we see on Instagram, to the wives of his mates or my colleagues at the office. Hell say I look more like a mate than a wife. Id hear him out, sometimes wed argue, then wed move on. I never thought it was anything seriousjust the usual differences you get in a relationship.
But the day I buried my father, everything changed. Suddenly, this stopped feeling trivial. I was in a complete shockhadnt slept, hadnt eaten, couldnt think about anything except getting through the funeral. I threw on the first black clothes I could find, didnt bother with make-up, did the bare minimum with my hair. I just didnt have it in me to care.
As we were about to leave the house, my husband looked at me and said, Are you really going like that? Couldnt you at least tidy yourself up a bit? At first, I didnt get what he meant. I told him I honestly didnt care how I lookedId just lost my dad. He replied, Yeah, I know, but still people will talk. You look a bit unkempt.
It was like someone had punched me right in the chest. At the service, he mingled with everyone elsesaid the right things, looked sombrebut he kept his distance from me. He didnt hug me much. He didnt ask how I was coping. At one point, when we passed a mirror in the living room, he quietly told me I should pull myself together a bit more, and that my dad wouldnt have wanted to see me like this.
Back at home, after the funeral, I asked him if that really was the only thing hed noticed about me that dayif he hadnt seen how broken I was. He told me not to be dramatic, that he was simply giving his opinion, that a woman shouldnt let herself go even at times like these.
Since then, I cant look at him the same way. But somehow, I still cant leave him. I feel lost without him.
