Hey love, its Charlie here, your big, floppyeared Labrador. Im the kind of lad that makes everyone smile, though sometimes I get a bit nippy when the worlds a bit too much. Look after your rear, alright? Ive got a human, Mabel, and I love her to bits, no matter what shenanigans she gets up to. That parts simple I love her, end of story.
Mabel took me home when I was just a month old. She was 408 months old dont reach for a calculator, thats 34years. The very next night she was on the floor of our tiny twobedroom council flat in Birmingham, nursing her fourth glass of red wine, stroking my head and sobbing:
Off you go, you silly dog. Ive finally got a mate wholl never ditch me. Tell me, Charlie, whats wrong with me? Shed confess she wasnt great at cooking, so she signed up for a French cooking course. She stopped muttering to herself and, after a bit, she started complaining about my wardrobe you look like youre wearing a sack of potatoes, its embarrassing. So she overhauled the whole closet, got help from Nana and grandma, and donated loads of her own clothes. She stopped looking at me the way she used to. Then she hinted at well, you know, the bedroom stuff, saying life was dull and movies showed people who actually cared about the act. I spent two months on YouTube watching tutorial videos about oral skills, nearly went broke on banana props. Nana bailed me out with two buckets of corn. All for him. He left, damn it.
Charlie, youre my one and only. Dont ever leave me, okay? she pleaded. I met her wide, glassy eyes and lapped her cheek. What else could I do? I could chew a shoe or a boot, but I wasnt much good as a stray. She hugged me, we fell asleep, and I blamed that red wine for everything.
As my little puddles on the floor grew, so did I she poured every ounce of her energy into me. Id catch her watching a travel show about fivestar Turkish allinclusive resorts, and I thought hey, thats the life! Saturdays were avocado days, and I didnt have any chores except escorting Mabel to work and waiting for her return. Honestly, I mostly just napped. When she came back, shed plant a kiss on my nose and feed me minced meat. We were happy, I loved her with all my heart.
Then a bloke named Mark, a colleague of hers, started dropping by after the cinema. Theyd share a bottle of red wine in the kitchen and close the bedroom door. Judging by the sounds, she enjoyed it. I was happy for her, so I was happy too. The next morning, for the first time in our whole life together, she forgot to feed me. Marks shoes answered the silence they vanished, thank goodness. I wanted to give Mark a piece of my mind, but Mabel looked at him with such adoration I backed off.
Mark turned out to be a decent chap; hed bring over meat. He liked to stash his shoes in the fridge for some reason. He only visited at lunch and occasionally stayed the night. In the evenings Mabel was glued to her phone, chatting away, and things got gloomier. Weekends became a sad routine: her staring at the screen while the cat prowled. One night, midwine, she petted me and sighed:
Oh Charlie, why does everything feel so messy? Hes married, but hes a good, understanding bloke. I thought a bit of fun might lift the mood. Im tracking his every Instagram like, cant tear myself away. Im better than his wife, arent I? Look at my chest a gift, right? Soon itll be New Years, and well be alone again.
She broke down in tears. You useless wanker, I growled inside. The next day Mark showed up in a suit, but the suit disappeared just as quickly. I sprang into action the moment he slipped into the bedroom. For every tear she shed, Id make sure something happened. Soon only a pair of tiny horns and little legs were left of his fancy outfit. I found both his phone and hers charging on the floor and chewed them up no more staring at screens.
Mark stormed out in his bathrobe, saw there was nothing left to wear and no phone, and started lashing at me with his leash. Mabel screamed, trying to protect me. Mark shoved her aside, grabbed me, tossed me into the boot of his car and shut the boot. I imagined the worst, plotting my revenge as the engine roared. Instead, he dumped me into some clinic. They stuck me in a cage, jabbed me with something, and I slipped into darkness. When I woke, a stranger a middleaged woman was stroking me through the bars, mumbling into her phone:
What do these people want? A dog to play with, then dump? Give her a thousand pounds, euthanise, right? Ill call you later.
She leaned closer, one hand patting me, the other pointing a syringe at my side. I wasnt stupid; I understood. I just felt sorry for Mabel.
Suddenly the door burst open and Mabel sprinted in, eyes red and wild:
Stop! No, dont! Ive found you, Ive found you!
The woman grumbled, saying she wouldnt get her thousand back, but we didnt care. Mabel lunged at me, and I leapt into her arms.
Charlie, Ive been to every vet! Forgive me, please, hear me?
People say dogs dont cry. Well, I cried once dont tell anyone. We got back home, collapsed, and slept like the dead.
A few weeks later Mabel got the sack Mark had a hand in that. My meat vanished from the bowl, replaced by endless porridge. I became a passive vegetarian. She didnt give up though. We started jogging at dawn, she halfrunning, halfadmiring the birches, me doing all the actual work. After a bit she cut down on the wine, only the occasional corn from Nana and an old skirt.
Mabel also enrolled in a flowerarranging course the one shed always wanted. I nudged her to think about meat bouquets instead. A meat bouquet is the best thing on earth, Id bark. When she said no, I figured Id make my own. I trotted in with a massive, green dandelion root, presented it like a trophy. She laughed, hugged me, and planted a kiss on my nose.
Soon she landed a job at the local flower shop, which made us both overjoyed. All the floral junk moved into the shop, and our council flat finally looked like a proper home again, not a hayloft. The meat made its way back into my diet, too.
Two years later, Sergey moved in to fix the fridge and never left. Hes a good bloke, never gives Mabel a hard time, and she laughs with him all the time. A tiny new Sergey recently joined the family, and Mabel asked me to look after him too. What can I say? Im a dog, after all.
So thats my life in a nutshell, love. Hope you enjoyed the ramble. Catch you later.
