Dont touch my precious glasses! yelled my former friend. Just you mind your own eyes! You dont think I see who you keep gawping at?
Oh, so youre jealous now, are you? I said, with genuine surprise. Look at you, fishing for compliments! I know what Ill get you for Christmasa lip-sealing machine!
You could do with keeping that for yourself! retorted Linda, not missing a beat. Or perhaps even your lips are long past fixing? Do you think I dont know whats going on?
Honestly, I just rolled off my old bed and wandered over to my little display of family photos and trinkets to mutter a morning prayer. Its not like I was religious or anythingthere must be something governing all this, someone up there pulling the strings. But who? Who knows. The names people give it are all over the placefate, the cosmos, the big man upstairs, or just plain old God! You know, the kindly old gent with a white beard sitting on a fluffy cloud, pondering everyone on earth.
Anyway, at my agewhich, lets be honest, is a hairs breadth off seventyits best not to get on the wrong side of the universe. If theres nothing out there, youve lost nothing by hedging your bets. But if there iswell, you wouldnt want to risk it, would you?
So, every morning, once the little ritual was out the way, Id add a few words of my own (as you do), and feel lighter, ready to face another day.
Truth be told, life dealt me two main annoyances. And no, not the usual old clichés like taxes and potholes! Mine were far more specific: my neighbour, Linda, and my own grandkids.
The grandkids I could handlethey were part and parcel of the modern generation, lazier than a Sunday afternoon and as motivated as a slug. But at least their mum and dad had to deal with them more than I did. Linda though? Shed gotten to be a right classic nuisance.
You see, you watch those old films with two rivals exchanging witty banter, and its all adorable because theyre played by Dame Maggie Smith and Judi Dench. In real life? Not so muchespecially when someones picking a fight for absolutely no reason.
I did have a friend though, a cheerful bloke everyone just called Pete the Mopeder. Though, if you fancied his real name, it was Peter Edmund Cosgroveyes, honestly, Cosgrove! The nickname came from his reckless youth careening about on a battered old mopedwell, he called it a mopeder, and it stuck. Even though his poor old moped now sits dust-covered in his shed, the nickname clings tighter than a leech. Thats village life for you.
We used to be two couples: Pete and his wife Nora, me and my late husband. Our partners are now resting peacefully in the churchyard, but old habits die hard and I still count Pete as a proper mateweve known each other since school, after all.
Back then, there were three of us: me, Pete, and Linda. Genuine, pure friendshipnone of that funny business. Wed stroll everywhere togetherPete, our knight in faded denim, always in the middle, us girls hooked under his arms like an oversized teacup with two handles. Made sure you didnt drop the cupjust in case, you know!
But with time, that friendship changed. First, Linda grew prickly, then outright hatefulespecially after her husband died. Fair enough, age changes people, but blimey. If someones a bit tight-fisted, they become a full-on miser. Gabby? Turn into a windbag. Envious? It just eats them up. Linda was exactly that, and honestly, some blokes arent much better.
Thing was, I suppose she thought she had reason to be jealous. Id kept my figure, even with the passing twenty-odd years, while Linda had gone the other waybless her, she was shaped more like a Christmas pudding than anything. To make things stingier, Pete had started paying more attention to me latelywed have the odd giggle, whisper a private joke, heads pressed close, while she got short, dry responses. Pete popped by my house all the time, while Linda had to drag him over. Not that she was notably wittyPetes always loved a good laugh.
Somehow, shed started grumbling about every tiny thing. First, it was my loo: That outside toilet of yours stinks to high heaven! shed declare.
Oh, honestly! Its been there foreverwhy moan about it now? Id shoot back, refusing to let her out-banter me. Besides, you only got those fancy NHS prescription glasses for free! The best stuff never comes gratis.
Dont go dragging my glasses into this! shed shriek again. Worry about your eyes! Dont think I havent noticed you eyeing him up.
So, its jealousy now? Id prod, smiling. You after him too? I know just what to get you for Christmasone of those machines to roll your lips back up!
You could do with holding onto it! Your lips must need something stronger; dont think I didnt see!
Seeshe knew, oh she knew. It wasnt the first or last time. Pete, put-upon as ever, told me to get an indoor bathroom. Sure enough, my son and daughter cobbled some money together and sorted out a proper loo for me indoors. Pete filled in the old cess pit himselfrest easy, Linda! Find something else to sniff out now!
But did she stop? Not a chance! Next, she swore my grandkids had picked all the pears off her treenever mind the branches hung right over my garden.
They probably thought it was ours! I tried to explain, though really, the pears looked untouched to me. Your hens are forever scratching up my veg beds and I dont say a word!
Chickens are stupid! she shot back, voice sharp as vinegar. And you, Gran, should be minding your grandkids, not cackling like a schoolgirl with your gentlemen callers!
So the blame game rolled on. My poor grandkids got a telling-off (not that they cared); the pears came and went; and wouldnt you know it, the next drama was about branches someone had supposedly snapped off.
Show me the damage! I pressednothing to see, of course.
Right here! shed jab her gnarled finger at the air. (Not for nothing, but my hands are still neat and slenderhands are a womans trademark, even in the country.)
Pete had a handy solution: Lop the branches off! Theyre on your land, you do what you like.
Shell just shout even louder!
Bet she wont. Ive got your back! Pete promised.
True as anything, Linda stood there watching while Pete sawed away, but didnt utter a peep.
So, alright, tree sorted. The next round? It was my turn to grumble about her chickensan entire new breed this year, and fearless, tearing through my kitchen garden with wild abandon. Chickens dont grow brains, do they? Always scratching and pecking, leaving a mess.
Asked her ever so nicely to try keeping them penned in. She only grinned her sly grin as if to say, What can you do about it, love?
Now, I couldve caught a couple and roasted them, just to prove a point. But Im too soft for that. Pete, ever the inventive joker, suggested a trick hed read about online: sneak out at night and scatter eggs in the veg bedsthen just collect them in the morning, acting like youd won the lottery of hens!
You know what? It absolutely worked. Thank you, internet gods! The look on Lindas face as I wandered past with my bowl brimming with fresh eggspriceless. And the hens stopped invading my patch after that, job done.
SoI wondered, perhaps now we might finally be mates again? Linda, you alright? Nothing doing. Because next thing, it was the smoke and smells wafting from my summer kitchen she couldnt standthough yesterday shed said nothing about it.
Well, maybe I dont like the smell of roast chicken, ever think of that? Maybe Im vegetarian! I saw on the news they passed a law about BBQs! she crowed.
Barbecue? Where? I tried to reason with her. You need to polish those glasses, darling!
Im usually patient, but this, this was too much. Shed really just outdone herself.
Maybe we should donate her to science! I muttered to Pete one day, over a well-earned cuppa. Shell eat me alive at this rate!
Shed choke! And besides, Ive got a better plan, he winked. The next morning, he turned up singing outside my door, Polly, Pollycome out for a ride!
There he was, all chirpy, perched atop his lovingly repaired old moped.
Know why Ive been looking so glum? Pete asked, Because that old moped needed fixing! Shall we take it for a spin, beautiful? Hop on, lets relive our youth!
You know what? I did! These days, seventy is the new fiftythey tell us were all active retirees now! We set off, windswept and howling with laughter, into a whole new chapter.
And wouldnt you believe it, Pete finally asked me to be Mrs. Cosgrove. Complete set! I moved in with him, the lotwe were a proper couple.
And Lindawell, she stayed behind, lonely, grumpy, and envious as ever. Not to mention she had no one left to pick at, so all her moaning stayed bottled up inside. Which, I suppose, is its own sort of punishment.
So, heres my advice to you: keep your head down in these villages, you never know whats round the corner. And to think, all that drama just started over a toilet!












