Not Allowed to Come Home
So why didnt you let her in? Victoria finally dared to ask the question that had been tormenting her the most. You used to always let her in before
Her mother gave a bitter smile.
Because I worry about you, Vicky. Do you think we dont see how you shrink into the corner when your sister storms in at all hours? How you hide your school books so she doesnt ruin them? She looks at you with such anger, you know. She hates that youre normal. Youve got a whole different life ahead of youand hers vanished down a bottle years ago
Victoria hunched her shoulders, frozen over her open textbook. A row had erupted in the lounge.
Her father hadnt even taken off his coat; he stood in the hall, clutching his phone, shouting.
Dont you try and change the subject! he roared down the line. Wheres it all gone? Its only been a fortnight since I got paid! Two weeks, Alice!
Her mother, Margaret, poked her head out of the kitchen. She listened for a minute to her husbands tirade, then asked resignedly,
Again?
Richard just waved his hand at her and put the call on loudspeaker. From the phone, sobbing poured out.
Victorias older sister had always had a knack for wringing sympathy from anyoneshe could have softened a stone.
But the years had left their parents hardened and weary.
What do you mean, he threw you out? Richard began pacing the narrow hallway. He did the right thing. Who would tolerate this endless drunken mess? Have you looked in the mirror lately? Youre thirty and you look like a stray dog!
Victoria cracked open her bedroom door a little, listening.
Dad, please The sobbing suddenly cut off. Hes dumped my stuff on the stairs. Ive nowhere to go. Its raining, freezing Ill come to yours, all right? Just for a couple of nights. I just need to sleep.
Margaret jerked forward, trying to grab the phone, but Richard turned away sharply.
No. He spoke like a gavel falling. Youre not setting foot in this house. We agreed last time, didnt we? After you pawned the telly while we were visiting your gran, youre not coming back. The doors shut.
Mum! Mum, say something! Alices voice tore from the phone.
Margaret hid her face in her hands, shoulders shaking.
Alice, how could you she whispered, not looking at Richard. We took you to see the doctor. You gave us your word. They said that last treatment would last three yearsand you didnt even last a month!
All those treatments are rubbish! Alice snapped, instantly switching from pitiful to vicious. Theyre just out to bleed you dry! Im suffering, dont you get it? Im burning up inside! Cant breathe! And all you care about is the bloody telly
Hes attached to that thing!
Ill buy you a new one!
And what with? Richard stopped, staring at a random point on the wall. What with, when you blow every penny? Gone back to borrowing off your dodgy mates or nicked something out ofwhats his namesflat?
Doesnt matter! Alice shouted. Dad, Ive nowhere to sleep! Do you actually want me to end up living under a bridge?
Go to a shelter. Go wherever you like, Richards voice had dropped to chilling calm. Youre not coming here. Ill change the locks if I see you waiting outside.
Victoria sat on her bed, hugging her knees. Usually, when Alice pushed their parents over the edge, their anger would land on her.
What are you sitting there for? On your phone again? Youll turn out like your sistera waste of space! The same lines for the last three years.
But tonight, shed been forgotten.
No shouting, no griping. Her father hung up, took off his coat, and her parents ended up in the kitchen.
Victoria crept out to the hall.
Rick, you cant be so harsh, her mother pleaded. Shell be lost, completely lost. You know what shes like when shes like this. She has no control over herself.
And Im supposed to sort her out? Richard crashed the kettle onto the hob. Im fifty-five, Mags. I want to come home and sit in my chairnot hide my wallet under my pillow! Not get earfuls from neighbours about her swearing at them in the stairwell with a bunch of drunks!
Shes our daughter Margaret said softly.
She was our daughter. Now shes just someone draining us dry. Shes hooked, Mags. You cant fix someone who wont help themselves. She likes her life as it is. Wake up, find a bottle, pass out again!
The phone rang once more.
Her parents fell silent, then Richard answered.
Yes?
Dad Alice again. Im at Euston. Theres police everywhere. Theyll pick me up if I stay much longer. Please
Listen to me, Richard cut her off. Youre not coming home. Final.
So I should just top myself, then? Now Alices voice was sharp, challenging. Is that what you want? To get a call from the mortuary?!
Victoria froze. This was Alices trump cardshe always played it when her other tricks failed.
It always worked before; her mother would sob, Richards hand would clutch his chest, and Alice would get money, a place to crash, food, a hot bath.
But tonight, her father didnt take the bait.
Dont try to frighten us, he said. You love yourself too much for that. Heres the deal. Ill find you a roomthe cheapest I can on the outskirts. Ill pay the first month. Ill give you some food money. Thats it. Youre on your own. Get a job, sort yourselffine. If not, youll be on the street in a month and I wont care.
A room? Just a room, not a flat? Dad, I cant live alone. Im scared. There could be dodgy neighbours. And anyway, Ive nothing for it. Even my beddings gonehe kept it all!
Mumll pack some sheets, leave them with the concierge for you. Come and pick them up. Do not come up to the flat. I mean it.
Youre monsters! Alices shriek stabbed through the phone, broken by tears. Youre dumping your own daughter in some miserable box! Youve got three bedrooms, and Im meant to hide like a rat in a hole!
Margaret snapped, grabbing the phone.
Alice, enough! she shouted, startling Victoria. Your fathers right. Its your last chance. Room or the street. Decide now, because tomorrow hell give you nothing!
There was silence.
Alright, Alice finally muttered. Send me the address. And put some money on my card, nowI’m starving.
Therell be no money, Richard replied firmly. Ill buy the food and leave it in a bag for you. I know exactly what youd spend it on.
He hung up.
Victoria thought this was her moment. She quietly entered the kitchen, acting like she simply wanted a drink.
She expected an avalanche of pent-up irritation.
Her dad would scowl at her t-shirt and call her a slob. Her mum would moan that she never cares, that she drags around the house with this going on.
But neither of them turned around.
Vicky, her mother called softly.
Yes, Mum?
Theres old sheets and pillowcases on the top shelf in the cupboard. Please get them down and put them in the big blue bag in the utility.
Alright, Mum.
Victoria got on with it, emptying some junk out of the bag.
How on earth is Alice meant to live alone? She cant even boil pasta. And her habit
Victoria was sure Alice wouldnt last two days without drink.
She returned to her parents room, grabbed the step-stool, and retrieved the linen.
Dont forget towels! her father called from the kitchen.
Ive already put them in, Victoria answered.
She saw him head to the hall, slip on his shoes, and leave with nothing more to say. He was off to secure this box for Alice.
Victoria walked into the kitchen. Her mum sat unmoved, eyes glassy.
Mum, do you want a tablet? Victoria whispered, stepping closer.
Her mother looked up, voice distant and hollow.
You know, Vicky when she was little, I thoughtwhen she grows up, shell be my friend. Well talk about everything, share our lives. Now, all I hope is she doesnt forget the address. That she makes it there at all.
Shell make it, Victoria perched on the stool. She always manages somehow.
Not anymore, Margaret shook her head. Her eyes are different now. Dead, like theres nothing inside. Just a shell, constantly needing to be filled with that poison. I know how frightened you are of her, Vicky
Victoria said nothing. Shed always thought her parents didnt notice her fear, too busy fighting to save lost Alice.
I thought you didnt care about me, she confessed in a whisper.
Her mother stroked her hair.
We do care. But were exhausted. You know the plane analogy? Put your oxygen mask on first, then help your child? For ten years, we tried putting Alices on first. Ten years, Vicky. Rehab, hypnotherapists, private clinics, you name it. Nearly suffocated ourselves.
The doorbell rang. Victoria jumped.
Is it her? she asked anxiously.
No, your dads got the keys. Its probably grocerieshe ordered some online.
Victoria answered the door to a delivery driver with two heavy bags. She brought them into the kitchendry foods, tins, oil, tea, sugar. The basics.
She wont eat this, Victoria remarked, setting aside a bag of porridge oats. She only likes ready meals.
She can cook if she wants to live, her mum countered, voice regaining a shade of her old firmness. No more spoiling her. Well send her to an early grave with our pity.
An hour later her father returned, looking as if hed worked three shifts non-stop.
Sorted, he said shortly. Keys are with me. The landladys an old teacher, tough as boots. She warned me alreadyone whiff or hint of drink, shes out. I told her, fair enough.
Rick Margaret sighed.
What, Mags? Im done lying to people. Shed better know what shes in for.
He grabbed the bag of bedding, the groceries, and headed out.
Ill leave everything with the concierge. Ill call Alice, let her know. Victoria, make sure the doors bolted after me. And if she rings the flat, dont answer.
He left. Margaret locked herself away in the kitchen and wept.
Victorias chest ached. How did it come to this? Alice barely lived, just existed, drinking herself numb and dragging her parents down with her
***
It turned out her parents gamble hadnt paid offa week later, Richard got a call from the landlady. Shed thrown Alice out with the police after she brought three men back, partying all night.
Yet once again, her parents couldnt abandon their daughter. Alice was taken to a rehabilitation centre this timea strict, locked facility. Theyd promised shed be sober within a year.
Who knows, maybe this time there will really be a miracleFor months, Victorias life filled with cautious hope and strange quiet. Each phone call from a withheld number spiked her heart with fear. At dinner, her parents sat warily upright, listening for sirens in the distance, waiting for disasters knock. But the worst never came.
Instead, every Thursday, they visited the centreMargaret baking scones, Richard bringing magazines, clinging to the role of parents rather than rescuers. Alice, thinner, hair clipped short, stared at them through bulletproof glass. Sometimes she pressed her hand against the partition. Sometimes she looked away. Sometimes, pale words slipped through the speaker: Im sorry. Or, I dont remember. Or, when the counsellor prompted, Tell Vicky I miss her.
Spring drifted in through their windows, carrying warmth and the scent of new grass. Victoria studied in the kitchen, sunlight striping her textbook, silence behind hera kind her family had given up hoping for. She watched her mother in the garden, tending roses shed let die for years, singing under her breath, as if the world could forgive.
One evening, Margaret found Victoria brewing tea, staring at the swirling cup.
She called today, her mother said softly. Asked when youd visit. She sounded… real.
Victorias throat closed. I dont know what Id say.
Margaret wrapped an arm around her. Its alright, love. One day.
Weeks tumbled by. Victoria graduated. Richard finally put his feet up in his battered chair, falling asleep to quiet TV shows in the evening. Victoria caught herself laughing againsometimes even at nothing, simply grateful to be able to.
The day the centre allowed visitors into the gardens, Margaret and Richard drove out together, bringing food and hope, just like always. Victoria stayed behind, joining them only as the sky softened from gold to blue. She wore her oldest jumper, Alices name tucked in her pocket alongside her keysa kind of talisman, heavy and sharp.
Alice stood beneath a tree, hands clean, face bare. Her smile was uncertain, a stitched-on thing just learning to be real again. When Victoria approached, she flinchedexpecting hurt, guilt, something heavy as the past.
Instead, Victoria reached for her.
Just a hug. Awkward, imperfect, the past and present colliding. But it was enoughthat first, trembling bridge, built not from pity or obligation, but from the smallest seed of forgiveness.
They stood together in the twilight, three women circled by distant birdsong, breathing deeply in the new, uncertain air. For now, that was all any of them needed.
