“Paper House”
Hurry up, Lucy, were going to be late!
Im coming, Dad! Lucy hopped on one foot, yanking a sock into place.
Her socks were a proper sight: one pink, one green. Aunt Kate had given her those, and the trainers too. All mismatched. Its all the rage now, Kate had insisted, with that glint in her eye.
Lucy trusted Aunt Kate in all things stylish. Kate was always on top of every trend, telling Lucy, If nature didnt bother with your looks, youve got to win people over another way.
Lucy never agreed with her about appearances. So what if she didnt fit the current ideal? Kate was slim as a reed, raven-haired, grey-eyedher gran called her wiry as a skeletonbut there was something so alive about her, people would always turn to stare when she passed. That would make Lucy laugh every time.
See, no one notices you, right? Look, theyre all twisting their heads!
Who? Kate would pause, peering about as if searching for hidden admirers.
Lucy would double over with laughter. For all Kates airs and graces, she was, at heart, hopelessly childlike. Lucy, though younger, almost felt the more grown-up of the two. Kates innocence was astonishing.
He said he fancied me, Luce! I have no idea what to do!
Well, do you like him?
I do! But Im terrified!
Why?
Hes too handsome. Every girl at the office is crazy for him. But hes noticed me. Its rubbish, isnt it?
Kate, you are *not* rubbish. Youre clever and beautiful. Why *shouldnt* he fancy you?
It was a rhetorical question. No matter how Lucy tried, she could never get through the thick armour of Kates self-doubt. It infuriated Lucy, sometimes to the point of tears.
Lucy, love, its hard to unlearn what youve grown up with. Her dad, David, would give a solemn shake of his head as they talked.
Who made her like that, Dad? And why? Whats the point of turning a pretty girl into a nervous wreck? You never raised me that way!
I didnt. She had other teachers.
And Kate? You talk about Gran but never say it outright.
And what good would that do you? Telling you your gran did it wrong? Theres nothing to be gained. Youre old enough to know about respect. My mum raised me alone, no father. Peter came along later. You know I loved him like my own. He was patient; he taught me more than Ill ever realise. Most importantly, he wouldnt let Mum interfere in raising a boy. Men raise men, he always said.
So why did he let Gran raise Kate her way?
Well, he did try, but it was different for a girl. Mum handled Kate as she saw fit, for her own reasonshowever odd they seem to us.
What reasons, Dad? I look at Kate and want to cry! Shes so goodalmost too careful. But shes scared of everything. People, life! Why?
I dont know, love. Mum was always terrified for Katenearly to madness. Held her hand nearly through to the end of school. Shed convinced herself something dreadful would happen to Kate. Kate was a difficult baby, I remember. While Mum was in hospital with her, thats when Peter and I really bonded. Two blokes, waiting while the woman we loved was unwell. Brings you together, you know? I watched Peter stew up broths, squeeze pomegranate juice, fetch fresh liver from the market at the crack of dawn. Only later did I see how much he loved her. He never said much. You dont remember him, do you?
Not really, but I remember the rocking horse he made me.
Yes! He worked on it while we were waiting for you. He was ill then, but he kept going, afraid he wouldnt finish in time.
Where is it now?
In the attic. Ill fetch it down when Ive got grandkids running about.
Dad!
What? Are you telling me youll never make me a grandfather?
Not for years!
Thank heavens!
Dad!
What have I said now?
David dodged her teasing blows with mock alarm, but inside, he felt relief. There would always be questions, and he wasnt ready with all the answers.
Nothing was simple in their family. When Kate was little, she called their house a paper house.
Why, Katie?
Even as a gangling, spotty sixth-former up to his ears in revision, David made time for his little sister. She amused him.
Because its like this tulip you make, Kate twirled a paper flower hed folded. Its pretty, but watch this
She laid it in her palm and, with a clap of her other hand, squashed it flat.
Whyd you do that? David jumped at the smack.
Its empty inside. See? Make me another!
Youll smash it too?
No! Watch.
She stuffed a lump of coloured plasticine through the tulips base until it was solid.
Look, now I cant crush it. Its still paper, but strong. Our house isnttheres no plasticine inside.
David marvelled at how his little sister could see so deeply. He turned the flower over thoughtfully.
A classmateAlice, who sat beside him in mathshad taught him to make the tulips. Stern-faced, never still, her fingers would fold a crane, a frog, or a whole bouquet before the end of the lesson. No one minded. She was top of the class.
David would pocket Alices creations and bring them homeKate loved them.
Howd she do it?
Want her to show you?
Please!
Hed beg their mother to let them go to the park together. Bringing Alice home was out of the question; Mum would never allow it.
Margaret, their mum, was strictto the point of harshness. David excused it, thinking she just worried for him and Kate.
David! You must think of your own future. No one owes you anything. Ive done my dutyraised you as best I could. Now youre on your own. Ive still got Katie, and dont expect Peter to do anythinghes not your father.
David never argued. He knew, though, that if things ever went wrong, Peter would step up. He called Peter Dad even when strangers were about. That stoic, taciturn man was his real father.
He realised, growing up, that good meant different things to Mum and Peter. Where Peter spoiled them, Margaret ruled by fear.
She worried for her children every waking hour. You never know, shed say, always imagining some disaster round the corner. Friends? Margaret trusted none. Teachers, coachesmerely authority figures. Affection was for the family alone; everyone else was a risk. Why should anyone else matter? Anyone could hurt her children.
David didnt know where Margaret got the idea everyone meant them harm, not until much later. She changed jobs for a better schedule, got her licence just to drive Kate to activitiesnever letting her go alone. By the time Kate was older, David had his own world.
He met Alice, and then their little daughter, LucyMargaret was stunned, it was never in her plan for David to have a child before thirty.
David! Why now? Youve your degree to finish! Margaret trembled in her kitchen, arms wrapped tight.
Im grown, Mum. I take responsibility. Alice and I are having a baby. Mine.
You could have been careful! Theres still time
Stop, Mum. Dont say something Ill never forgive. Pleasejust listen.
He left her in the kitchen, popped his head in to bid Kate goodbye, and finally stopped in Peters room.
Peter had been gravely ill for months. He kept silent, not wanting to trouble Margaret and Kate, but would sometimes let David see how hard it was.
That night he pressed the keys to his flat in Davids palm.
Ill sort the will this week. Your mother and Kate can have the cottage in Kenttheyll be fine, those plots are going up in value. But you need a home for your child. A real, solid home. You understand?
I do, Dad. Thank you
Peter never met Lucy. She was born a week after his funeral, when Davids father slipped away without so much as a sigh.
David quietly took the reins of the family. Kate felt a little lighter. She always knew about the paper tulip David kept by his desk.
Why? shed press its stiff petals, feeling the hardness of dried plasticine inside.
It reminds me not to be hollow, Kate. I owe it to fill our lives with something real. Yours, Mums, Alices, Lucys.
Its hard, Dave Mum just doesnt listen.
But I have to try.
…Yes. You have to try. Kate would sigh, steering the conversation away.
She dreaded David clashing with their mother.
Things with Margaret were complicated. When Peter died, it was as if shed closed off a whole part of herself. Kate couldnt understand her, but David didnt have to guesshe remembered too well when his own father left. David had been only four, but his mothers wailing, smashing the crystal vase, gathering the shards while berating David cowering in the cornerthose memories were as vivid as yesterday. Afterwards, the corner became his normal place, and his mother was unpredictable, by turns scolding and smothering him with apologies and kisses. But David had always been a little armoured.
Youre thick-skinned, my boy! Untouchable! I cry, but you never shed a tear. Dont you care about your poor mother? Margaret would search his face for cracks, only satisfied when he bit his lip hard enough not to cry. Ah, I was right about you! Come hereMum loves you too!
David remembered all her manipulations well and tried to shield Kate. But to do that, hed have had to live at home again, and that was impossible. Alice was delicate, as fragile as her foldings.
And Alices health failedfive years after Lucys birth, she passed away without warning, not waking up one bright morning. David, on his way to work, froze while pouring the kettle, scalding his hand and frightening the cat. He opened the bedroom door and knew instantly. The world fell away, leaving just one thought.
Lucy.
He stepped into her room. Her favourite soft toy, tabby cat, sat on her pillow. Shed stayed with her grandmother that night. Clutching the toy, David howled in animal pain, trying to dull the raw agony inside.
He didnt remember much of the next two months. He existed, somehowcooked, fed Lucy, moved about. Young Lucy sensed his pain, never leaving his side, asking almost nothing about her mother. At first, David thought nothing of it. Then he saw her one evening creep into the locked master bedroom, settle cross-legged on the floor, and begin gently talking to Alices portrait, clutching her cat. Thats when he realised Lucy understood.
He didnt interrupt. When Lucy came out, David scooped her up and, his face buried in her messy plaits, whispered,
Who told you?
Gran. She said I should be gentle with you. And not talk about Mummy, so you wouldnt be sad.
He hugged her so tightly she squeaked.
Sorry, darling. You can always talk to me about Mummy. Whenever you want. Listen to meno one else. Understand?
Lucy burst into tears in relief. David realised how much shed bottled up, how alone shed felt. He cursed himself, and grew furious at his mothers inability to see what mattered.
His anger swelled further one night when Kate showed up at his flat, soaking wet from autumn rain, shaking.
He’d just settled Lucy and satlights off, absentmindedly stroking the catlost. He almost missed the soft rapping at the door.
To this day, the memory made him shudder; what if Kate had turned away, what if hed taken the sleeping pills his GP suggested?
Kate, drenched, stepped into the hall and fell into his arms, clinging like Lucy had days before.
Kate! Whats happened?
It hurts she muttered, swaying in his arms.
The ambulance came half an hour later, and another hour after that, Kate finally slept on the camping mattress in Lucys room, not having told him what happened.
The next morning, when David saw the bruises on her arms, he understood.
What happened?
Kate trailed her sleeves down, trying to hide the dark marks.
Kate?
I dont want to talk about it, she whispered.
You have to. I cant help otherwise. I *must* know.
Her grey eyes brimmed, and she shook her head.
Was it Mum? David struggled out the question, dreading the answer, but he already knew.
Kate nodded silently, then clung to his hands.
Dont make me go back there. Not yet, David. Please. Im scared
David stroked her hair, thoughts whirling. He knew: if he started a row now, thered be no coming back. His mumher sense of ownership over her daughter had tipped over.
Just tell me, Katie. Well work this out. Ill do anything to see you happy. Do you trust me?
If Kate had hesitated now, David would never have forgiven himself. But she nodded, sat up straight, suddenly so like her father it gave David a chill. He would never let Peter down.
Mum found out I was seeing Max. Remember him?
The shaggy one? David pushed tea and a slice of toast across to her. Eat.
Not hungry. Dont call him shaggy! But yes, him. Nothing serious, just a couple of films, a walk in the park. In daylight! David, hes never even tried to kiss me.
Dont shout. I believe you. But what happened with mum?
She screamed at me, shook me like a rag, said things I cant repeat David, whyd she do that? What did I do? Ive always listened. I know its too soon for anything seriousshe yelled Id end up with a baby, miserable like you Sorry! I shouldnt have said that, but Am I really that bad? Cant I ever please her?
Kate broke down into helpless sobs so bitter that David stood, lost for a minute.
The answer came easy, though. Kate looked so much like Lucy right thenhe plunked her onto his knee, wrapped her tight, and joked gruffly:
Therell be a flood if you keep this up! You hear me? No one will hurt you, Katie. Not ever!
She stared at him, wide-eyed. He said it again, firm as steel:
No one. Not even Mum. I promised Dad Id never let anyone hurt you. Think Id break a promise?
She shook her head.
Right then. He raised me to keep my word. Youll sit with Lucy? Shell be up soon. Give her something to eat. Im off to see Mum.
Dont! Kate pleaded, fretfully pacing.
I must! David sat her down, shoved the toast at her. Eat. Wash your face. Dont scare my child!
The conversation with Margaret was brutal. She shouted, demanded Kate come home, dissolved into tears begging David to give her back her life. He let her finish.
Mum, Kates staying here for now. She needs to calm down. So do you.
But David! Shes got lessons, her exams, sports! The terms nearly up!
Mum, are you listening to yourself? You didnt even look for her last night! What if she hadnt come to me?
I thought she was at home!
Your need to control us blinds you. Did you ever see us as people? Were we ever real to you, Mum? Tell me: when was the last time you spoke to me as a mother, not a boss? Asked how Ive coped since Alice died? Yes, you help with Lucy, and Im grateful, but you treat me like a subordinate. Kate too. Were your children, not employees. You run an excellent team at work, but as a mum Im sorry, but youve got it wrong. Kates crying her eyes out on the other side of London, and all you care about is her exams, her trophies! Enough! Let her finish school with rubbish grades, I dont care. Ill pay her fees myselfshell get that diploma. Did you know she wants to be a vet? No? Well, now you do. Not a doctor, like you, but a vet. She wants it. Shell do it. I promise you that.
You cant! Im her mother!
And that gives you the right to break her? Do you want to be alone, Mum? Im not blackmailing you. If you keep this up, youll lose us both. Kate and I will stick together. Youll be the one left on your own.
He kissed her on the forehead, left the flat, and slumped on the stairs.
How many times had he run up and down these stairs? He couldnt even count now. Sometimes bounding, sometimes trudging. Today, he couldnt move at all. He sat there, numb, wondering how many steps there were on each landing.
How many years had he spent running up and down, never noticing? Strange, really.
The phone finally roused him. He stood up, climbed to the top, counted each step carefully, nodded to himself, and went home. He knew what needed doing now.
Hed chosen the right path. Margaret couldnt keep apart long. In two days, she visited, hoping to make peace with Kate. It was a slow process.
Kate couldnt forgive easily. For the next five years, their relationship was an awkward seesawno one knew which way it tipped.
Margaret put in the effort; now she knew her children were no longer children. They wouldnt sit waiting for her mood to pass. Instead, she was left wondering: Theyre together, theyre fine. But what about me?
Kate earned her degree and landed a good job at a veterinary clinic. Lucy would laugh, watching her father sigh heavily each time Aunt Kate brought home yet another patient.
Kate! Thats a snake!
So? Look how gentle he is! Feel himgo on, Dad! See? Not so scary. Hes here just for the week. His owners on holiday. Poor fellow gets lonely at home!
It has a name?! George? Of course he does!
Lucy would laugh, threatening to follow in Kates footsteps, and David would groan in mock horror.
Home, work, tentative visits from GrandmaKate seemed to drift through life. Lucy tried to set her aunt up with friends, to no effect.
And thenone day, big news.
I want you to meet my boyfriend, Kate admitted shyly, not meeting their eyes. But no laughing!
Oh Kate, I feel like crying! Lucy gave her a hug.
One of Lucys trainerschewed up by Kates last foster animalwas unearthed from under her dads bed, and Lucy, jamming her foot into it, shot into the hallway.
Im ready!
Really? David raised a doubtful eyebrow. Now theres no rush. Katell never forgive us anyway!
Dad! Dont exaggerate. Weve still got half an hour.
They spotted Kate and her boyfriend walking together in the park far ahead.
Dad, is that him? The one with the hair?
Lucys stage whisper made Kate glare and wag a warning finger.
Max.
David.
Handshake. Smile. Nod.
Lucy.
Shaggy! Max laughed. Katie, dont scowl! Smile! Thats better. I want to see you smile always. Wow! Funky trainers! I want a pair like those!
Lucy stifled giggles, watching Kate and seeing, for the first time, the change in her aunts eyes. The edge of steel was gonereplaced by warmth, bright as silver. It was beautifulLucy clapped her hands in delight, astonishing her soon-to-be uncle.
What? Were all a bit mad in this family. Best get used to it!
Thats a reliefIm sure Ill fit straight in with this merry team? Is that the word?
Family, Max. Were a family. Lucy winked at Kate and slipped her arm through her dads.
