I am soon to be 30 years old, I have a son. My husband and I are not officially divorced yet, but we have been living apart for a long time.
I am moving to another city. No personal life, there was a relationship with a guy once every six months, and then quarantine happened. And it all started with the fact that they started to make repairs in the apartment.
One day I meet a guy who works in a construction store. The way he looked at me, immediately turned something inside out. I had not been looked at with such insolence and impudence for a long time. And it went on like that for a while, I saw his interest, but he didn’t approach me. In the end I wrote him myself. Communication was lightning-fast and I was attracted to him more and more each time. He turned out to be six years younger. He invited me to dinner and came to pick me up. Everything was just perfect, I had already forgotten how it all happens and everything is so competent and clear. But at the end of the night he says to me, “Shall we sleep together?” I was so stunned that I said no.
He starts to insist and pulls me to the hotel, we, leaving the cafe, argue and argue. He calls a cab to the nearest hotel and I demand a ride home. I really wanted him, but not so immediately. In the end it is winter and very cold, 3 am and I flatly refuse to go to the hotel. He asks: “Then why did you text me?” With difficulty I convinced him to take me home. We went into the entryway, and I decided to have a smoke and then say goodbye. Eventually he starts kissing me, biting my lips and neck and at one point ripping things on me. I get scared of such force, I try to calm him down. But nothing works, he turns me around and basically what I was trying to avoid happens.
I went home thinking, what was that all about? I thought he’d think I was some kind of frivolous and wouldn’t call again. But it continued, and he always made unusual dates, we were very cool together, we laughed a lot all the time, joked at each other. Twenty-four hour texts, but we weren’t a couple, I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Although I probably felt at first glance that it would hurt to end it if I started.
So six months went by like that. Then I start getting attacked by anonymous calls for a week and almost around the clock, then one day he came in to talk and showed me his marriage certificate. He told me that when he met me, he had left his wife (he didn’t tell me because he was afraid I would stop talking to him). But since she is pregnant and about to give birth, she demands his return and presence. He ends up getting back together with his wife, and I’m freaking out about how much I miss him.
We didn’t communicate for two weeks, then we started up again. But it’s a different format of meetings. His wife loves him very much, tracks his every move, thousands of calls, threatening texts. I even understand her, you have to run away from such men, over the years I have had enough men to compare and understand that he is different at all.
It’s been 9 months now, and I wrote him myself to put a stop to it. But I understand that if he comes, I will lose control again. S@x with him is incredible, we don’t fight and try to understand each other always. Now I started hanging out with another guy, but it’s not even close to how it feels anymore. Although this is the kind of guy that a lot of people dream about.
I know that I love him, and he loves me, I guess. I just haven’t found the moment to admit it. Either I am drowning in my illusions. I would describe in more detail how it all went down, because I know I’m going to get a lot of judgments flying at me, most likely. I just don’t know how to write beautifully.
I’m writing my confession to look at it through someone else’s eyes.
