Just Keep Going
Emily, a cheeky little girl with two messy pigtails sticking out on either side, ran across the wide, sunlit conservatory of her familys countryside home in Kent. Her cheeks were flushed from all the laughter and running about, and her eyes sparkled with excitement. Spotting her older brothers friend ambling towards the door, she suddenly skidded to a stop, caught her breath, and scampered after him.
Without a second thought, Emily bounced up beside him and clung firmly to his hand with her little warm fingers. She tipped her head back, gazing up at him with unfiltered childhood earnestness, and let out the kind of laugh only children can manageclear and ringing:
Ill never let you go! When I grow up, Im definitely going to marry you! Promise youll wait for me!
He stood still for a moment, brows raised, until his surprise melted into a smile full of kindness and gentle amusement. He looked at the little whirlwind by his side with a tender, slightly baffled affection. Then, with a playful softness, he replied:
Ill wait.
He gave her hair a gentle ruffle, making her pigtails even messier. Emily squinted at him briefly, then broke into another grin, refusing to let go of his hand.
But until then, he carried on, crouching slightly so their eyes matched up, work hard at school and listen to your parents. You have to be worthy of the title my fiancée.
He didnt sound strict, just warm and friendlythe sort of tone grownups use when they let themselves soften with children. Emily seemed to genuinely consider this, nodding vigorously and gripping his hand even tighter:
Alright! Ill be the absolute best!
The whole house seemed to hum with the happiness of a carefree summer afternoon filled with sunshine, laughter, and those silly, innocent dreams that, in those moments, felt utterly possible
****************************
Years later, Emily was in her bedroom, absent-mindedly flipping through her maths revision. The dusky blue of evening was settling outside, and the house felt unusually quiet except for soft noises from her brothers room. She paused, instinctively listeningher brother James was on the phone, sounding more animated than usual.
She crept closer, straining to catch the words. When she heard the name Sam her heart began beating faster. She stood still, every nerve focused. Her brother was chatting about a new café, a meet-up, her smile There was no doubtthey were talking about Sams new girlfriend.
Almost before she realised it, Emily shot up from her desk and tiptoed to her brothers door, pressing her ear against the cool wood to soak up every word. Her chest tightened, but she pushed the thoughts away, desperately hoping, Maybe its not what I think.
Once James finally finished and stepped out, Emily jumped back, instantly caught. But it was too latehed noticed.
Has Sam got a new girlfriend? she blurted, her voice shaking ever so slightly as she tried to sound casual.
James eyed her for a moment, sighinga mix of brotherly exasperation and understanding. Hed known for a while anyway: the way his little sister lit up at Sams name, how shed pore over photos of him on Instagram, the way she gazed from afar with so much hope.
Really, Em? James rolled his eyes, leaning against the doorframe. Come on, youre sixteen. You need to grow out of this crush. You know its just a childhood thing, right?
Emily lifted her chin, a hard spark in her eyes. She folded her arms stubbornly, standing her ground.
No way! she protested, her golden hair fanning out as she shook her head. You just dont get it! Hell fall in love with me, youll see! This isnt just some silly crush. Its real.
Her voice was strong, almost challengingbut deep down, she was still clinging to memories: Sams glances, his rare smiles, the way his hand would brush hers. She treasured each fragment, building up the fragile hope that, perhaps, he felt the same.
James just stared at her, at a loss for words. He recognised the fierce determination in her eyes, the way her lips quivered. There wasnt any use trying to reason with her. Emilys childhood love had grown into something bigger than either of them had imagined
*****************************
Sunlight sliced through her curtains, filling Emilys room with golden warmth. She breezed into the lounge on a gust of sudden excitement, face radiant and bright as the morning sun. Her smile was so big it almost hurt her face, and her eyes truly sparkled, full of joy she could hardly contain.
Bounding down the stairs, she nearly tripped over herself as she skidded to where James sat nursing his coffee and scrolling through the news on his tablet.
He asked me out! she burst out, almost shaking with glee. Her voice tinkled with delight. On my birthday, too! He gave me the prettiest little trinket box with my name engraved, then said that now Im eighteen, he could finally tell me how he feels. Sam loves me!
She kept brushing at her hair in nervous excitement, checking her reflection in every shiny surface, as though preparing for a dream. Her happiness was so infectious it was as if the room itself started glowing.
James looked up, setting his mug down, his face finally relaxing into a warm, genuine smile. Hed been half-expecting this, if he was honestnot just for Emily, but for his best mate. The last few months, Sam had been dropping hints about Emily: wondering about her favourite flowers, what she got up to at the weekends, suggesting group outings in the country.
Shes so beautiful, isnt she? Sam would muse, staring off dreamily. And clever, and kind I cant wait for her to turn eighteen. You dont mind, do you, if were together?
James always answered the same way, If shes happy, Im all for it. He trusted Samhe knew his loyalty and decency inside out. Now, watching his sister practically vibrate with happiness, he was sure no one could be better for her.
Well then, congratulations, James said, rising to give Emily a proper hug. Im really, really happy for youboth of you.
Emily hugged him tight, hardly believing this was real. For a moment, it felt as if the whole world had become lighter, kinder, more beautiful than it ever was before. And purring softly on the windowsill, their old cat George basked in the morning sun, adding his little approval to her joy
******************************
Emily sat on a hard plastic chair in the cramped corridor of a hospital, staring at the washed-out linoleum beneath her feet. Everything felt dull and colourless: beige-painted walls, faded daylight through the small window, doctors walking quickly past, not even noticing her. It was like the whole world had dimmed out of sorrow.
Her hands lay boneless on her lap, her clothes rumpled, hair once tidy now falling loose around her face. She looked like a porcelain doll that had been dropped and never put back togethermotionless, drained, stripped of all warmth. Her mind kept looping the last twenty-four hours: last night, she and Sam were bent over sketches and colour swatches for their wedding plans, debating over what ribbons would look best with white bunting. Hed been laughing, joking, promising that everything would be just perfect And today, Sam was gone.
It had happened in a moment, without reason or warninga driver lost control, three cars smashed into twisted heaps. Nobody survived. Not Sam, nor the others, nor even the driver. One second, and everything had shattered into a thousand jagged pieces. Their future, gone.
Footsteps echoed down the corridor. James rounded the corner, so pale his eyes looked bruised. He crouched beside her and slipped his arms around her, holding on tight, knuckles trembling but tryingdesperatelyto be strong for her.
Em? His voice was barely above a whisper, careful not to disturb the sharp, fragile balance of her mind. Emmy, talk to me. Please.
She slowly turned to look at him. Her eyes were dry but filled with such profound pain that it made James heart clench. It was as if she looked straight through him to a place he could never reach.
About what? Emilys voice sounded hollow, as though spoken out of muscle memory, not feeling.
James swallowed, hesitant, wanting to help but not knowing how.
About anything, he said, a bit tighter now, his hands gently squeezing her shoulders. Please, just tell me how you feel. Or just cry, love. Dont bottle it all up like this!
Emily shook her head silently, lips trembling but no tears, no words. She stared down at her hands, almost as if she was wondering why they wouldnt shake or show how wrecked she felt inside.
I cant, she managed eventually, shrugging with a strange flat calm. There arent any tears left. I dont even want to be here anymore.
Her words hung between them, heavy and thunderous as the stormy sky outside. James squeezed his eyes shut, fighting his own surge of helplessness. He knewnow was not the time for weakness. He had to be her anchor even though he felt himself sinking too.
From that moment, Emily seemed to slip away. Her eyes went blank, her face utterly still, shoulders slumped as if crushed by an unbearable load. James spoke softly, held her hand, called her namenothing. Even when nurses came to check on her, she sat rooted to one spot, staring blindly out ahead as if the world itself had stopped.
Someone must have noticed just how far gone she was, and gently administered a sedative. Emily felt herself drifting, body heavy, thoughts swirling away like ink in water. Sleep blanketed hermore like darkness than any comfort.
When she came to, she wasnt in the hospital anymore. She recognised the curtains, the bookshelf, the little framed photograph by her bed. Her own room, but distant now, familiar yet foreignas though shed come back to a place she once knew but no longer felt at home in.
Looking around, Emily saw her brother, hunched on the battered little sofa, his eyes red and his chin stubbled. She heard his quiet voice as he whispered to their mum, whod come back from a work trip as soon as shed heard. Their mum looked so tired, shadows deep under her eyes, but spoke with a kind of solid strength.
Im really worried about her, James whispered, glancing towards Emilys bed, thinking she was asleep (though she wasnt). Shes been hung up on Sam since she was tiny, couldnt ever see anyone else. What now?
Time heals, their mum replied, but there was no real confidence there. She knew herself that those words were little comfortEmily had lived and breathed for Sam, every plan, every hope. Now there was only emptiness. Well look after her, she finished, showing a firmer front, as if trying to reassure them all.
Emily listened to every word, unable to even let them know she was awake. Inside, she felt like a hollow shell; like someone had scooped everything out of her. She kept her eyes shut, pretending to sleep, because she didnt know how to respond, or how to explain that the pain never let upit only hid beneath layer after layer of exhaustion.
James lingered a while, then slipped from the room ever so quietly. Their mum stayed, sitting by the bed now and then stroking Emilys hand, as if trying to will her own strength into her daughter. The whole room filled with silence, broken only by the ticking clock and Emilys ragged breath
******************************
Nine days. Forty days. Time dragged so slowly it felt as if she was moving through treacle. Emily barely moved from her perch on the window seat in her room, knees hugged to her chest, gaze pinned to the empty garden below.
Her eyes always drifted to the old wooden bench beneath the sprawling maple. That was where, years ago on a soft September evening, Samwith trembling handsfinally worked up the courage to propose. She remembered every detail: how he fumbled with the ring, stammered over his words, finally blurting it all out for fear hed chicken out otherwise. Shed laughed from pure happiness, cutting him off with a yes before he could even finish his speech.
Now, the bench felt like just another relic. The trees were bare, the garden bleakautumn had long since given way to winter, but Emily hardly noticed. For her, time had stopped the day Sam died.
Em, shall we try to eat something? Her mums gentle voice filtered through the fog.
She stood behind Emily, hand landing lightly on her shoulder. Her mums fingers felt icyshe hadnt been able to warm up for weeks, as though winter had crawled inside her too. There was such pain in her eyes, but she held back the tearsknowing she had to be a rock.
Im not hungry, Emily replied, not even looking round. Her tone was flat, bare of warmth or emotion.
You need to, her mum tried again, struggling for firmness but unable to mask the tremor in her voice. You didnt touch anything yesterday either. You have to keep your strength up, pet.
For what? Emily finally turned, but her eyes were still empty. I dont owe anyone anything.
Her mum stopped short at that, her daughters words hitting like a physical blow. She nearly spoke, then simply sighed and retreated towards the door. There was nothing more she could do
Outside, James stood silentlyone look was all it took to show hed heard everything.
Ive spoken to Dr. Hudson, his mum whispered, hands twisting anxiously at her apron. We really do need proper help. We cant do this all by ourselves.
James noddedhed known for ages, but saying it aloud made it harder to admit. Seeing his sister as this ghost was almost more than he could stand. He clenched his fists, pushing back his own anger at the unfairness of it all. They had to act.
Ill ring Doctor Hudson now, he said, pulling out his phone. She promised to help if things got worse.
Their mum just nodded, glancing back at the room where Emily sat, unmoving on the window seatthe only sign of life in a house stuck in suspended time.
That night, as Londons sky turned ghostly with the rising moon, Emily finally stirred from her spot. Just getting up was hardshed grown so weak that moving took real effort. Like in a dream, she made her way to bed, shucked off her dressing gown, pulled the covers up and lay still.
The house was quiet, broken only by the muted voices of her parents next door. Emily closed her eyes, hoping desperately just to sleepanything would be better than this. But her dreams werent kind.
In her sleep, she saw Sam. He was just as she remembered: warm smile, favourite grey jumper. This time, however, his expression was seriousalmost stern.
Emily, his voice cut through, as clear as if he stood beside her. Look at yourself. What are you doing?
She tried to reply, but her voice caught on the words. Sam just stepped closer, his tone firm:
Seriously, have you seen yourself lately? You need to pull yourself together. You cant do this.
Emily tried to reach for him but her hand sailed through empty aironly a memory.
I I cant go on without you, she managed, tears stinging her face.
Yes, you can, Sam insisted. Youve always been strong. You have to keep going, do you understand? Keep going.
He moved even closer, and just for a second, Emily felt as though his hand had cupped her cheekwith real warmth.
Theres so much youve still got to see. Therell be good days and bad. But you cant just stop. Ill always be here. Up among the stars. And if you need me, just look out for me. Ill help you.
Emily sobbed, wanting to hold him, but his image faded, drifting away to nothing.
Dont go! she cried. Please, just stay!
But all that was left was a soft whisper: Live, Emily. Promise me.
She woke with a start. Her own room. Same bed, weak moonlight spilling over the floor. Her pillow was soaked through, and a turmoil of feeling churned inside, each breath like fire in her chest.
Without thinking, she screameda long, wordless wail that shattered the middle-of-the-night stillness. Instantly, her parents and James were at her side.
Emmy, what is it? Her mum rushed to her, grasping her hands and searching her face.
Where does it hurt? James asked, looking for something, anything he could do.
Emily didnt answer. She curled up, shuddering with silent tears while Sams face hovered in her mind, his gaze both strict and loving, his final request lingering in her ears.
Promise me, it whispered.
Through all the pain and sobbing, she whispered back, I promise
Her mum hugged her, rocking her gently like she was still a child, while James put a comforting hand on her shoulder. None of them knew what to say. All they could do was stay close.
And as Emily pressed her face into her mums jumper, she wondered how she could possibly go on. How could she breathe, eat, walk, even smile, without him? But somewhere inside, the tiniest spark caughtif he believed in her, if hed asked this of hershe had to try.
If only for him.
******************************
One rainy evening, they sat together in the lounge. Her mum put out tea, but no one so much as lifted their cupnobody really tasted anything anymore. No words were needed to know something had to change.
I think we should move, James said quietly, looking at Emily. Every bit of this place is a memory for you. Every street, every gardenits all too much.
Emily curled herself into the armchair, knees up, saying nothing in return. She simply watched the rain chase down the windows, blurring the view of a town she once knew better than anything. Her face was pale, but the emptiness in her eyes had begun to fade.
Itll be easier somewhere new, her mum chimed in, squeezing Emilys hand. A fresh startnew places, new faces Perhaps itll help you find your feet again.
Emily turned her head slowly. Her voice was thin, but alive:
Where would we go?
Theres a spot in Oxford, James explained. My mate works there, says he can help find me something. We can rent for a bit, sort it out from there.
Her mum nodded, reassuringly: Therell be a college for you as well. Well sort it all out. Main thing is, youll feel better.
Emily thought for a while. Memories flickeredher and Sam, laughing by the bench, walking home hand in hand, him bringing her flowers outside the sixth form gates. Every patch of pavement, every blade of grassthe pain never lessened, only got sharper.
Alright, she said, eventually. Lets move.
It was a hard decision, full of sadness and the faintest glimmer of hope. But it was a decisiona real choice shed made, at last.
The next weeks were busy with packing. Emily was distant from it, watching as her family boxed up the house, dusted, sorted, and swept their old lives away. Sometimes shed pick up a keepsakea keyring from Sam, an old photo booth strip, the cinema ticket from their first dateand just hold it, letting memory ripple through before laying it in a box.
On moving day, Emily slipped onto the old balcony. One last look at the garden, the maple, the bench. Her heart ached, but she wouldnt let herself drown in it this time. I can do this, she told herself, I have to.
Oxford brought rain and bustle and strangers. Their flat was light, airy, odd and echoey and new. Shed stand at her new bedrooms window, peering out at the roads, the crowds, the unfamiliar trees. Everything was strangebut, oddly, that gave her a breath of relief. No ghosts here, just a clean page waiting for a new story.
Those first days were rough. Emily woke each morning feeling lost. She missed the comfort of home, missed her friends. At night, shed sometimes dream of Samhed smile, murmur soft hope-filled things, and she would wake, face streaked with tears.
But little changes started to creep in. The first tulips in the nearby park. The barista at the corner café who grinned and remembered her order the second time she came in.
Small steps, but they mattered. Emily realised she was never going to forget Samnever could. But moving forward, living on, wasnt betraying him. It was keeping his memory, honouring his last wish.
She started college courses, helped her mum around their new place, went for long walks with James through the strange but lovely Oxford lanes. Each day was a challenge, but each brought something newnot instead of the past, but alongside it.
And somewhere deep inside, she was surehe was watching her.
And he was proud.
Because she was still holding on.
Because she was still living.
