Putting Life on Hold
Mum, can I have a chocolate from the tin? Just one, pleeease! Lucy peeked slyly around the kitchen drawer, where Sarah had stashed away the much-coveted chocolates.
No, darling! They’re for Christmas. If you eat them all now, there’ll be nothing left for the New Year, Sarah replied, giving her daughter that familiar look.
Lucy pouted. Honestly, what difference did it make when she ate a chocolate? She only wanted one, not the whole lot! Why did her mum always have to save the lovely things for a later date? If it was something tasty, it was always for later, and if it was a smart dress, then save it for best. Oh, how Lucy wished she could wear her new frockthe one Dad brought back from London on his business tripgo see her friend Lizzie, and eat a chocolate right now. Lizzies mum never seemed to mind her daughter wearing her new skirt to nursery. Mind you, Lucy once overheard her mum say Lizzies dresses were all homemade anyway. So what? Lizzie always looked the smartest in the class, and Lucy was stuck with a tired old polka dot dress she’d grown out of loving ages ago.
Back then, Lucy had no idea how hard it was for her parents to get their hands on fancy sweets or new clothes. Her mum worked at the local library, and her dad was an engineer. Ever since Lucy could remember, she grew up hearing the phrase to get hold of. That meant they were about to get something uncommon, not easily found in the shops. Her pretty shoes appeared like that, and her mums new boots too. Still, after buying them, they had to manage on pasta and potatoes for nearly a month, but her mum was so delighted with her new boots she didnt even wear them straight awayjust admired them every day. For some reason, Lucy remembered those boots so clearly, even as an adult, right down to every scuff and worn heel.
As the years rolled on, everything started to change. The shops filled up with all sorts, and getting clothes or sweets for Lucy was no longer a challenge. The real problem became money. Lucy was in Year 9 when her dad came home from work one evening, grinning ear to ear.
Theyve hired me! he said excitedly.
Lucy couldnt quite grasp why her parents were so ecstatic, but she knew it meant good news. As it turned out, Dad was starting at a new firm working in electronics, and it was the perfect opportunity for him. Lucy noticed the change in her dadalways distracted before, a bit grumpyhe was finally putting his talents to use, even discovering he was great at managing a team. Soon, his career really took off.
Life became easier. Her mum no longer spent evenings hunched over the accounts, trying to find extra pennies for Lucys growing wardrobe. The first pair of jeans appeared, then trendy trainers and all sorts. Lucy changed her mind about leaving school early to work and instead decided shed study at university. Her parents backed her all the way. She spent two solid years poring over books, skipping parties and nights out, and smashed her exams. She became a student, aiming high. But relaxing wasnt on Lucys list; first came studying and a good jobthen everything else. She achieved both, earning a First, and thanks to her dads contacts, landed an impressive role. It felt like life was finally hers for the taking. Maybe now she could focus on herself, possibly even start a family. But Lucy postponed that too. Career first! That way, shed never worry about what to wear or where she’d live again. And she smashed that goal as well. Her parents were over the moon. Smart, successfulshe bought her own flat, her own car and even travelled abroad on holidays. The only thing she was still on her own.
But Lucy didnt let it bother her. Shed never been the quiet type and never lacked admirersthough she wasnt in a rush for serious relationships. Why would she be? While she was still young, there was so much more to experience. Once you had children, all that would have to wait.
Her first serious relationship didnt come along for Lucy until she was thirty-five. She and Victor had worked together for years, offices side by side, only ever talking work. Lucy had never imagined Victor fancied herhe was everything she admired: smart, attractive, and sharp. Hed been too shy to say anything to the Ice Queen, as her colleagues dubbed her. But at a work do, after a few drinks, Lucy leant on Victors shoulder as they danced.
Marry me, Victor said suddenly, nervous but direct. Were both successful, neither of us is getting any younger. Its time to start a family. Ive liked you for ages Actually, I love you.
Lucy burst out laughing. Victor, dont be daft! Whats the rush? We’ve got plenty of time!
Still, the next morning, she found herself looking Victor in the eyes and, almost surprising herself, said, Alright, Ill marry you.
Their wedding was wonderful, Sarah shed tears of joy at gaining a son-in-law, and three years on, Lucy realised all her success was nothing compared to what shed been putting offwhat, in the end, turned out to be most important.
Theres no point My future is gone, Mum Lucy sat clinging to her test results. She couldnt even cry. Why was I so daft?
Sweetheart, hold on. Thats only one clinicmedicine moves fast. It might not be the end.
When?! Lucy flung the papers across the living room, scattering them everywhere.
The flat was much like how it had been when Lucy was a child. Her parents refused to let her pay for redecoration or new furniture, even though Dad was ill and her mum rarely left his side. Lucy ignored their protests and made small improvements as she could, making sure their fridge was always full of the same groceries she bought for herself. The battered old armchairs got reupholstered. Proper vintage, she thought. The flat did have a proper makeover ten years ago, but now, staring at the wallpaper, Lucy thought the room needed a freshen upand maybe the parquet could do with a polish. The mind works in odd waysfixating on silly things when your whole life feels like its collapsing.
Mum, dont you see? Im out of time
The two of them sat together until dusk crept round the room, ignoring the phone ringing. Lucy wept, calmed a little, then lapsed into silence, not wanting to discuss what was already a lost cause. Eventually, she finally spoke.
Thanks, Mum.
For what, love?
For letting me talk. Theres no one else I can turn to. Who even needs me now?
What a thing to say! Sarah wrapped her hand tenderly across Lucys lips. I need you. Your dad needs you. Victor, too.
Not Victor, not anymore.
Why, Lucy?
Because, this is my problem, not his. Hes not got time either but maybe one day, with someone else, hell have kids.
Lucy stood up, hugged her mum quickly, and before Sarah could argue, got ready to leave.
Ill be alright, Mum. Dont worry. Lucy blew her a kiss from the hallway, closing the door behind her. Sarah sat down heavily, asking the heavens why this had to happen to her daughter.
Lucy drove away but couldnt face going home. Instead, she parked down at the riverside. Round this time of year, it was damp and drearynot the best for a stroll. Just the odd dog walker or an old couple, hurrying along, collars pulled up against the autumn chill.
Lucy watched them, until, out of nowhere, she was sobbing again. Once, shed imagined a future like thatgrowing old together, knowing each other inside out, sharing everything But that wasnt going to happen now. It struck herall this time, Lucy had loved Victor. Shed kept those feelings locked away for laterjust another thing she’d put off.
Staring at the cold, dark Thames, Lucy remembered walking along here as a child with her parents, postponing the only treat shed get that dayan ice cream, rain or shine. Funny, she never once got a sore throat from eating it in winter Shed never get to do that with her own children.
She shook herself, determined not to wallow. None of this would change anything, not if she just sat feeling sorry for herself. She had to find something that would help her move forward. Her career, all her achievementsthey meant nothing in this moment. So what was left? She didnt know. But there was something she needed to do straight away. If her time was hers now, Victors time… wasnt.
Heading back to her car, she froze. A small group of teenage boys were hanging around by her car. Lucy glanced aroundit was deserted. She felt an odd mix of apathy and defiance. Did it even matter what happened to her now?
She stuck her hands in her coat pockets, walked up, and asked, Whats going on here?
The boys, all about sixteen, spun round.
Is this your car, miss?
Yep, all mine.
Theres something under the bonnet! Can you open it? Please?
Confused, Lucy said, Wait, slow down. What do you mean?
After some shuffling, the smallest lad, clearly the de facto leader, stepped forward.
Theres a kitten under the bonnet. We saw it crawl in, and now its stuck. Gotta get it out, or itll get hurt.
Lucy raised an eyebrow. Are you sure?
Definitely, miss. When its cold, they climb into cars for warmth.
Lucy hit the button to unlock the doors and popped the bonnet.
Oh, blimey! she exclaimed as the lads pulled out a scrappy, jet-black kitten, hissing and scratching for dear life.
Nippy little thing! the leader laughed, handing the kitten to her. Here, hold on to him!
Me? But Ive never had a cat in my life
Youll figure it out, miss! Just feed him well.
The boys laughed, waved, and began to move on, but Lucy stopped them.
Hold on! She found a fiver in her pocket and handed it over. You cant help an animal without a bit of luck moneymy mum always said that.
They grinned, thanked her, and wandered off into the rainy evening.
Lucy slid into her car, staring at her new companion.
What am I supposed to do with you?
The kitten purred, making himself right at home in her lap, kneading his muddy paws across her clean coat.
Brilliant. Me, middle-aged, and suddenly with a cat. Just as it should be. Rightlets go home, then.
She put off the difficult conversation with Victor until morning, instead spending the evening dealing with the kitten.
Where on earth did you pick up all these fleas? Look at you! How did I get myself into this? She washed the kitten in the bath while Victor fetched a towel.
Weird
What?
Most cats hate water, but he seems alright. Purring away like a little engine.
Wrapped in the towel, the kitten looked half its size. Right, time for a feed.
Later, when the kitten was curled up beside Lucy on the sofa, Victor finally spoke up.
So, how did it go at the hospital?
Lucy sighed deeply. Shed have preferred to wait, but what was the point delaying?
Were getting a divorce, Victor.
Thats a bit of news! And whys that?
Because I cant have children, and its my fault. You can. Theres still time for yousomeone else would love to be a mum to your kids.
Victor stared like he was seeing her for the first time.
So, just like that? You think Im some kind of machine? Swap you for another? Is that what you think of us? Did it never occur to you that I love you? Having children was never the most important thing. You are. But you dont carebecause youve made up your mind already.
He picked up the now-sleepy kitten and stormed out:
Ill sleep in the spare room. Goodnight, Lucy!
Lucy nodded silently, waited until he left, then quietly sobbed. How pathetic Still, the little voice of doubt gnawed at her. Sure, he was saying that now, but what about a few years down the line?
Her mind spun all night. She retraced her life with Victor, thinking through every angle, but always ended up back at her decision. People are noble in the moment, but what about years of regret? Victor would never tell her if he resented her; he was too good.
She finally slept at dawn, curled small on the armchair, unaware as Victor left for work, fed the kitten, and slipped out. She woke near midday, warm under a blanket. On the coffee table, a note read: Back tonightlets talk. Dont even think about leaving me. Im not letting you go. I love you.
The kitten fixed her with bright green eyes.
What? Lucy muttered, stretching. Her body groaned into life. I could do with a coffee. Fancy some?
It was the first proper smile shed had in days, seeing how quickly the kitten dashed for the kitchen.
Youre making yourself at home, arent you?
As she made her coffee, Lucy realised she felt lighter than yesterday. Was it the note? Or was time finally healing her? She couldnt say. She just knew she wasnt hurting quite as fiercely. It wasnt hope, exactly, but something was shiftingand that was enough.
Lucy phoned work, feigned illness, and took the day off. She booked a haircut and a manicure, got dressed, and left the flat.
The city was sopping wet, the rain relentless. Cars floated along, and Lucy was soaked within minutesshed forgotten her umbrella. Climbing into her car, she dismissed the thought of turning back. No, shed move forward. No more tears.
The salon was busy due to the weather. Lucy waited with a random magazineparenting and childhood tips, adverts for baby stuff. Seeing the cover, Lucy almost laughed at the irony: out of all the glossy tat, shed picked exactly this. She idly flicked through, then froze. A small boy with big green eyes stared out from a feature. For a second, Lucy felt shed known him forever, there was somethingindescribableabout him. She read the short caption below the photo.
Her stylist found her seat empty, her name uncalled and magazine missing from the table, but Lucy was gone.
Victor was startled when Lucy burst through his office door, magazine in hand.
Look! She shoved the magazine at him, pointing at a small photograph.
Whos this? he asked.
No idea. Just a name and age. But look! Lucy gripped his shoulders, gently steering him toward the glass wall dividing their offices. She put the photo in his hand, lined him up with the reflection.
Remind you of anyone?
Victor stared at the boy in the photo, then his own imagesame striking green eyes, just decades older.
Incredible Victor breathed. He read the text beneath the photo, surprised again. Are you sure?
Im not sure about anything. The magazines from last springhe might already have parents. But what I see its not possible And Im done, Victor. I’m done putting things off!
Six months later, they brought Samuel home from the foster agency. Two years after that, Lucy found another magazine with a picture of a little girlnow their daughter, Maisie. Maisie had no memory of another mum; Lucy was everything to her. Five years further on, Lucy found out she was pregnant, after dismissing the symptoms as early menopause.
When Julia arrived, bang on time, the whole family was surprised and delighted.
Sarah lived to see her youngest granddaughter. She passed away a year later, illness finally catching up with her, but not before devoting every spare moment to her grandchildren.
Youre my joy you are my life she would say.
After Sarahs passing, Lucy was sorting through her parents’ flat, readying her dad to move in with her, when she found a box tucked away in the wardrobe. Opening it, she gasped and burst into tears, frightening the kids who were playing nearby.
Mum! Whats wrong? Samuel rushed over, bewildered.
Lucy pulled out her mums old boots, hugging them tight as she wept openly, the pain finally spilling out. Shed kept it together at the funeral, but now, alone, she couldnt hold it in.
Mum, why are you crying? Maisie crouched down and tried to look into Lucys eyes, ending up wrapping her arms around her neck and sobbing, too.
Julia, not to miss out, joined in. When Victor arrived from the kitchen and caught Samuels glance, he broke the spell.
Alright, enough now! Lucy, whats happened?
The girls quietened and turned towards their dad, now sure Mum would be alright.
Oh, Victor She kept them, can you believe it? All that time
Lucy placed the boots aside and peered into the wardrobe again. On the shelves, everything was neatly put awayher trousseau. Lucy had always refused to take it when she got married, claiming it wouldnt fit the flat. Now, unpacking those treasures, Lucy realised her mum had saved everything for her, packed with lovelittle linen bags of lavender still giving off a faint scent. There was even the fancy bed set Sarah had bought for herself and never used. The lace was yellowed, the embroidery faded a little.
Victor, seeing her lost in thought, watched silently as Lucy turned to him.
How does it happen? Mums gone, but the things are still here. Why do we always save things for later? Why dont we take what life offersright now? We wait for the perfect moment, and it might never come. That’s just not right.
Victor simply pulled her into a hug. Sometimes theres nothing more to say.
Julia, hanging round her mums legs, looked up with those green eyes she shared with her brother and dad.
Mummy!
Lucy froze, hardly believing what she heard. Victor smiled and nodded; Lucy bent to the floor.
Say it again, darling?
Mummy! Julia toddled into Lucys arms. Mummy
Samuel and Maisie clapped and cheered.
She finally said mummy, Samuel winked at Victor. Youre on for the zoo trip, Dad!
When, though? Maisie asked, bouncing. This weekend?
Why wait for the weekend? Lucy laughed, kissing Maisies button nose. No need to put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Come onlets go!
She glanced at the half-packed things on the floor. That could definitely wait till later. She was certain of that now.
Driving with the children laughing in the back, Lucy wondered if shed ever figure out how to make sure her kids were absolutely happy. Maybe nobody ever really knows, but at least she could teach them thisnever save life for later. Later is such a slippery thing. When you think the right moment is just there, life changesand you may never get it at all.
What about ice cream? Samuel piped up.
Now? Lucy teased. But we havent had lunch yet!
Well manage, wont we? So, what do you say?
Yes! the kids cheered, and Victor chuckled.
Spoiling them, are you, Mum?
How could I not, Dad? If not now, when?Lucy rolled down the windows, letting the damp spring air swirl inside. The citys sadness seemed distant nowjust slick pavements and neon reflections slipping by. Maisie shrieked as the wind tousled her hair, Julia sang out a babble, and Samuel pointed at a rainbow arching over the rooftops.
As they pulled into the car park, Victor reached for Lucys hand. He squeezed once, silent reassurance; she squeezed back. Together, they shepherded the children out, laughter mixing with the cold air and the faint scent of vanilla drifting from the riverfront kiosk.
Lucy knelt, eye to eye with her brood. Whos first for a double scoop?
They cheered, choices tumbling out: chocolate, lemon, strawberry, mint. She watched as they made messy decisions, her heart steady, her mind quiet. Victor caught her eye again, that old, gentle question in his lookare you happy? She nodded.
As cones dripped and faces smudged with sweetness, Lucy thought about her mothers boots safe at home, the trousseau left folded, waiting for a day that never came. She wasnt sure if shed ever sort through it allmaybe shed keep a few things tucked away, not for best, but for comfort, for memory, for love.
Some things, she realized, you didnt need to save. Some things, you must wear out, taste now, use up with joy, and share. The laughter of her children, the warmth of Victors shoulder, the gloss of rain on city streetsthese, shed claim, today and every uncertain tomorrow.
Lucy grinned as ice cream melted over her hands, sticky and cold, and licked her fingers. She joined in the laughter, letting herself be as present and imperfect as the moment.
Maybe that was happiness: not waiting for the future, or mourning for the past, but taking the sweetness givenhere, now, before it vanished.
And as the sun slipped through the clouds and the family leaned in togetherLucys heart at the very centershe finally understood: life wasnt meant to be carefully set aside, stored, or postponed. It was meant to be lived, messily and bravely, with every flavor you dared to choose.
Lucy smiled, wide and genuine, and called, Come on, one last bite before it melts!
They laughed, a chorus ringing out into the day, and Lucy, for the first time, truly tasted everything.
