I want some advice or insight into myself and my relationship with my mother.
Mom has lived her whole life for her children. She did everything for me and my brother, who is now my brother. My brother is 40 years old, married, works with my mom, helps her with the garden, takes her around on her errands. In general, lives mom’s life. Dad died 4 years ago. Now it turns out, his functions are performed by his brother, who is absolutely not independent, in all matters runs to mom. Mom is very bossy, she likes to command. Everything has to be as she says, and that’s it. We have no right to think differently.
I am 33 years old. Married. Have a daughter. Now pregnant at an early stage. Thank God I live in another city, though it’s an hour away. And my brother is next door from my mom. Speaking of my life: I went to school, where my mother said, I graduated, and insanely wanted to work in one of the law enforcement agencies. Mom has connections, she sort of negotiated, but nothing came out. It’s been 10 years, and I still don’t know why. She decided that I would also go to work for her. This, considering that I was already living in another city after graduation.
Naturally, they bought me an apartment and a car. And so I had either to live there, and I strongly did not want to go back there, after university I got used to live in a big city, my whole life is here, or to migrate every day to work. It went on like that for three years. I went to my mother’s place of work every day and dreamed of leaving it. Three years later I got lucky. I was hired at a great job in the city I wanted to live in. I escaped and was immensely happy. I got an interesting job with a good salary, and most importantly, I could manage my own earnings. My mother paid my salary, but always asked where I was going to spend it, and warned me not to spend it on stupid things. It humiliated me so much. And I was already 22-23 years old.
But happiness was short-lived. My mother forced me to take time off from my main job to work for her while she and my father went on vacation. Dad was still alive then. It was just a condition that I had to, that’s all. I had an apartment and a car, I was provided for. She didn’t care how my boss would take it or if she would let me go. They already had the tickets. And that’s the way it’s always been. As a result, two weeks of vacation a year I worked for my mom, and the other two weeks I was allowed to go somewhere.
Then my mom decided that I needed to urgently get a second degree. I couldn’t say no. In the end, then I took time off to work at my mom, and the second part of the session. Of course I worked in this company not for a long time, about three years. By the way I commend its boss, not everyone would agree with such a deed.
It so happened, that I met my future husband at work. Thank God my mom didn’t interfere. We got married. But again trouble: the groom has neither an axe nor a yard, as they say. She doesn’t show her displeasure openly, but I can see everything. But that’s not the point. My daughter was born. My husband and I moved into a new apartment. Everything’s fine. My daughter started kindergarten. And then again: “you have to come to work, I help you, you have to and that’s it. At least a couple of times a week.” There’s a lot of work to do. And when I get there, my mom can just drink tea and call me to come with me, or go to the store somewhere. I say that I came to work, and she says, “You’ll make it. So she just misses me.
I do not understand, she just wants her two children are not independent and sat next to her skirt? All summer long I went and helped out. But now it’s slushy, I’m pregnant, my husband is against it, and I’m tired myself. I don’t want to, and I never wanted to work with her. I love her very much, but as they say, the farther away, the more familiar she is. I am stifled by her notes of the commander. She is 67 years old and cannot be changed. Because of the nature of her job, she can work until she is 75. She sleeps and sees that she will hand her business over to me because she sees that her brother is not self-sufficient. I could do it, but first of all, I don’t want to, and secondly, it’s impossible due to circumstances. Only when I gave birth did they leave me alone with the obligation to work. For about a year.
By the way, a few years ago I broke my leg, so they made me come and help on crutches. I’m so tired, and I can’t say no. Yes, she provided everything, yes I am insanely grateful to her. The garden does not leave my husband and me alone either. We have to come to help, there is a lot of work, in fact we drag chairs or other furniture from place to place. And if we go to visit and can not come to the garden, begin to say that we lead an idle life and all that sort of thing.
I am glad that over the years I have started to put my mother in her place at some points. But she still wants complete control over my brother and me. Dad was very good, but of course Mom was in charge of all the household chores and finances and everything. Dad was the boss of the house. He had no say in the house and also lived Mom’s life exclusively, he had no friends, only Mom’s friends with their husbands. Now mom cries every day without him. And in general she is perpetually depressed. It seems to me that he died early because he couldn’t stand those commanding notes anymore. Thank God I’m not far away, but I live apart.
So tell me after reading my confession – am I an ungrateful daughter and should help my mom or is my mom a toxic person and tries to control my life and I need to get away from her and live my own family?
