My mother died, I don’t know how to go on living, I don’t know how to come to my senses. On September 28 she died of covid-19. Mom was in intensive care for 32 days and I knew she would come home and live, but unfortunately on September 29 I buried her.
I have a dad, I have two older sisters and a brother, they have families of their own. I, on the other hand, have no one at the moment except my dad, with whom we live together now.
It really hurts to see her things, to see her in my dreams at night and to wake up knowing it’s not a dream. That is, I open my eyes every morning and realize abruptly that I didn’t dream her death and at this point I don’t understand what’s going on around me, I don’t understand who these people around me are. I don’t want to communicate with anyone, and life has lost its meaning.
I don’t know what to hold on to. I have a job that I go into with my head, but I don’t see the point. I don’t understand what I’m living for or why at all, I feel like I should have left with her because we had a strong emotional connection. I am the youngest child in the family and I was always there for my mom.
My head is in some kind of turmoil, I can’t collect myself, my thoughts lose thread, even now I’m writing and I don’t know what I’m writing about. It feels like I can’t keep up with the conversation. What a pity we don’t know what’s there after death, what if it’s bad and my mother is suffering now. What if it’s good and she is, on the contrary, better there?
I do not understand and do not know what to hold and cling to. What if there is nothing after death, and mom just disappeared. I just want to know that she’s okay. I just want her to be there for me or me to be there for her. I don’t know how I’m going to get on with my life or what I’m going to do now. I’m not really afraid of death, I would leave if I knew I would get to her and we would be together, but I don’t know what’s out there after death. What if there’s nothing there, and it would be meaningless, and we’d never see each other again. And what if we really never see each other, it turns out it’s the end and it’s over and I won’t see her eyes, her hands, or smell her smell again.
How do I live with that for the rest of my life? When will I feel better, when will I let go of the pain?
