I consider myself a romantic and amorous person. From the age of 15 I was looking for attention in the eyes of the opposite s#x, I wanted to care, relationships, to feel what it is when you are loved.
I want to tell a little bit about my childhood. I lived with my mom and dad until I was 8 years old, then my parents divorced, which I am glad about, because my father was a tyrant, humiliated and beat me and my mom. He always told me that I was nothing and no one wanted me or anything like that (I made that remark because I think that is one of the important reasons for my problem).
And then, as I got older, what happened was that I would fall in love and wait a very long time for reciprocity, so I could wait 3-5 years for a man. There were several such crushes, I studied people (interests, character), I did not impose myself in any way, everything went as it went, but it was as if no one saw me. And so every guy I liked met a couple, started a relationship, I saw it all and quietly cried after work in my room, never shared it with anyone. School love chose another girl, at university I fell in love with a boy and he never noticed me, married someone else, and so on all the time.
I’ve never had a relationship. I don’t even know what it is, talking to a boy, sitting at the same table, etc. It was always not me that was chosen, and it goes on and on. Why? I look good, at least a lot of people say so, and I try to look after myself as much as possible – gym, beautician, normal things. I work and study full time, at university. I always wanted a relationship, but life doesn’t give me that.
A year ago I liked a guy, very shy, shy, I think he liked me too, but he is so silent and reserved that I can’t expect any action from him, once, however, he came up and asked: “Can I give you a hug?” And that was it. It’s been a year.
What’s wrong with me? I don’t understand. Love is very important to me. And I’m pulling everything myself, I’m so tired, I lack support. I also want to say that I have a kind of fear and apprehension in communicating with guys, I’m afraid to talk, my skin immediately burns, I blush and my hands sweat.
I don’t want to be alone for life. I want a family. Thank you for reading, I am relieved. Good luck to you all.
