I understand that thought is material. I try to think positively. But I really hate myself for the fact that my relatives are suffering with me. I got a higher education (bachelor’s and master’s). Now I’m studying law school by correspondence. I worry that I don’t understand everything in the program. I’m afraid I’m not living up to expectations and justified means.
I’m 27 years old. What have I accomplished in life? I work in the cultural sphere, organizing events. I get pennies, my mother supports me, not my husband. I have no real friends. I have girlfriends and acquaintances who don’t need my problems.
I married a schizophrenic and forced a man to marry me. He seems to say that he loves me, but he is slowly going crazy, and every year he lies in a mental hospital for 2 months, sometimes twice a month. I live in his grandfather’s apartment, which I clean up after every other day so they don’t kick him out. I have nowhere to go. I am so helpless and useless that I will not be able to pay the rent. I sleep two hours a night, I do not understand everything in my studies. I don’t want to have children, because I will not be able to feed and bring up only the morally handicapped.
I am good-looking and not fat, I can maintain communication, but in relationships I was suffering. My psyche is broken, I want to go to a monastery, but I don’t belong there either. I used to want to do good for people, write a book, publish poetry. But now I understand that I had a lot of vanity.
Many times I confessed the sin of despondency and took communion. Suicide is afraid to commit suicide, because I believe in the afterlife. And how to go on living, I do not know. Every day I wish I would get sick, so that I would find peace sooner. I am a human being without properties, qualities, and desires. I don’t exist. There is only flesh and that’s it. In 2015 I was in a car accident (I miraculously survived). Since the age of 12 I was fond of fortune telling, then demons began to come in my dreams, I saw horns in the mirror. I married a former schizophrenic witch doctor.
My aunt does not care about me, my grandmother is almost 80 years old, my mother is sick all over. They think I’m a big problem. They keep telling me that I married a mentally ill person, that I will become one myself. My own father does not communicate with me. No brothers or sisters. Sometimes when I look at couples walking around town, it makes me wistful, because living together with the person I love, working through the difficulties, growing in the relationship, loving, supporting, must be bliss. I wish I could have known that.
I’m not complaining. Just lost to myself, to the world, to society. I have to get up every day, don’t be late for work, do manipulations, clean up, in order not to sink completely. Sometimes I have a strong craving for a drink. But I know I’m not supposed to drink. I’ll drink myself to death. I’m not afraid to die. I’m empty and cold and lonely. The worst thing is that I can’t love anymore. Inside instead of my heart there is a void and a scorched wasteland, a hole. I do not know how to build normal relationships, I am afraid of normal successful men, because I am unable to give them anything. I am used to living in constant squabbles in the course of my family life. And I am not used to live any other way.
I am 27 years old, and I feel like a sick, irritable old woman. I wish my mother had had an abortion. I am, after all, not for this life and age.
