I am writing an anonymous confession, because I cannot tell my story to anyone else, only to you, only to those who don’t know me.
My mother had a man. An adult man, the same age as her. As you can imagine, usually girls my age (I am 19) do not fall in love with such men. And for me my feelings were a shock, in fact they terrified me, that is why I am writing here. I do not know how to be.
It all started gradually. At first I was cautious with Ivan, looked closely at him, because I was worried about my mother and did not want her heart to be broken. I wish he’d turned out bad. So at least I would have hated him, would have been angry, jealous. But he turned out to be completely positive, in every way: handsome, athletic, modern, with money. He would go to the gym with me, and then with my mother to the theater, the next day we both went shopping, a week later with my friends to a rap concert. In general, the personality is as versatile as possible, and this is shocking and enjoyable.
At first I was glad about my feelings, because I took them for my daughter’s feelings for her father. I never had a birth father, he left me and my mother a long time ago, and here is such an example. But then I started noticing how I was reaching for his touch. That in the evenings, when we’re watching TV, my mom sits on one side and I on the other, and he hugs us both. And I’m not fascinated by the movie, but by his warmth, by his smell, by the way his breath runs through my hair when he laughs at a scene. I listen to him with my mouth open. I ask his advice on every occasion, but, worst of all, I can’t sleep at night thinking about him. I’m jealous, imagining what he and my mom might be doing behind the wall. I get angry because it’s my mom, she loves him, and he loves her. And I have no right to have these naughty and horrible thoughts, especially since my mom has found her womanly happiness for the first time in years.
A couple of weeks ago, I told my mom that I want to move out. Like, it’s time for me to go, I’m a grown-up, and I do not want to embarrass them. She shouted and cried, said that I was too young, that it was too early for me to move out, when I would have a boy with whom I wanted to build a family, then I would move out. Ivan supported her.
I feel worse every day. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep well. I try to go home as late as possible so I don’t have to deal with him, but nothing helps.
