I love a man madly, passionately, discreetly, modestly, frantically, vulgarly, and hopelessly. The man swallowed me completely, I do not want to think about him and love him, I want to forget forever, erase from my memory, I do not want to long for his hands, eyes, and even his voice I do not want to long for him.
Yes, I miss him, before I did not understand the meaning of the word, well, what does it mean to miss him, you can miss him, be sad, but miss him… And now my condition can be described by one word – longing. This madness to fall asleep with the thought of him and to wake up with the thought of him, it is some kind of obsession and probably already a mental disorder.
And this story started a long time ago, a long time ago, probably ten years ago. I was working as a teacher in a school and at that time I was working and a new gymnasium teacher came to us, he was five years younger than me and somehow it happened that he began to pay attention to me. I didn’t mind, even though I was married at the time, just as I am married now. We flirted so nicely, at the time it was like a game to me, and I did not take him seriously, everything was very sweet and innocent, some compliments, jokes.
Then he started dating our music teacher and they seemed to be very serious, but our relationship was still going on. I saw a sparkle in his eyes when I met him, I often sought meetings with him myself because I felt very comfortable around him, a strong energy of happiness, cheerfulness and interest in life came from him. So we continued to flirt, he sometimes, as if casually kissed me on the cheek, I hugged him, and there were no sexual overtones, at least on my part.
As time went by, my relationship with my husband was like a seesaw, now bad, now good, and then at one point, when things were bad, we were alone with my, yes exactly my, and no one else’s gym teacher in my office. And I so wanted intimacy with him, I wanted to feel another man. I remember approaching him and kissing him on the lips. What a tender, sensual, full of love kiss it was, but for some reason he did not take my initiative, although I know he saw, he understood what I wanted, he just made a joke, a friendly hug and left.
I can’t tell you what was going on in my soul! I was rejected, I cursed myself and pitied and hated him, eventually my pride won, and I began to behave as if everything was really a joke. We were still seeing each other, talking, seeing his girlfriend, and no, I wasn’t jealous, somehow I was even happy to think that he was happy, but at the same time I was sure of his love for me, as strange and incomprehensible as my love for him.
A year ago, in September, he didn’t show up for work, quit without telling me anything, didn’t even say goodbye, and it was awful. I was stunned by the news and his behavior, I was very hurt, it turned out I was nobody to him at all! Then I was even glad that I would not see him, which means that I would soon forget and turn over the page with this story of life. But how wrong I was! For two months I was completely calm, then began to look for him in social networks, then I tried to switch to a hobby, then he called me, wrote, said he missed me, and I pretended that I did not care. Then I wrote and wrote that I missed him and even offered to meet him, but he ignored my attempts again.
And so my mind I understand that I do not need him, I do not want to build any relationship with him, I want to see him with another girl, I want to see a happy, I want to stay married, but how I want to be with him! My soul yearns for him, I miss his voice and look, his smile and the warmth of his hands so much.
Can there really be a longing? He walks somewhere in the city streets, I even know in which school he works, but really, I do not know whether he has a girlfriend or not, since they quit together, and how I want to tear this lump of longing from my soul and leave it somewhere on a pebble, let it yearn without me.
