Complicated Happiness
“What do you mean, we’re getting a divorce? Denis, is this some sort of joke?”
Olivia stared at her husband in disbelief. Divorce? Theyd been together for nearly twenty-five years! Their anniversary was in just two weeksthey were supposed to celebrate or were they? Her thoughts were a tangle. What about the party, the guests? Invitations had already gone out everyone was coming. The whole family would gather. Friends kept calling, asking what to bring as a gift. Some, like her closest friend Julia, had already sent her presents. Shame she wouldnt be able to come, being six months pregnant and all. Flying was out of the question; better for Julia to stay at home. Theyd see each other later and celebrate again. After all, Julia was the one who had introduced Olivia to Denis back at university. Shed been the loudest at the wedding, shouting, Kiss, kiss! waving Olivias bouquetthe one Olivia didnt even toss but just handed straight over to her mate.
I cant understand whats taking Colin so long to propose. Hell regret letting you go!
Dont worry, Julia replied, fixing Olivias hair. All in good time, Liv. Hes just not ready to settle. Id rather wait than marry someone who still isnt grown up, only to divorce a couple years down the road. Then comes all the awkwardnessdividing the house, the pets, holiday arguments about whose turn it is. Id rather be patient for the right moment. Julia glanced at herself in the mirror, frowning as she reapplied her lipstick.
Two years is a long wait though! Olivia giggled, watching her friend with fondness.
I cant live by halves, Julia shrugged. If youre going to do it, do it right.
And kids? Want to have them right away?
Absolutely. I want twins! Get it all done at once. Both sides of our families have a history with twins, so why not try my luck?
Then you actually have to raise them, you know!
Much easier two at once than one after the other, Julia insisted.
Whys that? Olivia asked, intrigued by Julias logic. Julia had always been sharp and practicalnever got caught out in their childhood mischiefs, always planning misadventures so shrewdly she was above suspicion. If someone else thought they could do better, Julia simply sat back to see how they did with their parents ire.
Its simple, Liv. Sibling competitiongood-natured, well-structured. Built-in playmate, and you get Mum of the Year for handling two at once! Need more reasons? Julia grinned.
Thats plenty, Olivia laughed, fully expecting her friend to achieve whatever she set her heart on.
And so it all came to passbut with an extra twist. Destiny, it seemed, had a better sense of humour than Julia; instead of twins, she had triplets. As if fate wanted to see just how Julia would keep up.
Julia handled it with her usual aplomb. By that time, her husbands family had warmed to her stoic confidence. She spoke to everyone calmly, never needing to bow or flatter, but always the first to help out. Most of the help, it must be said, came courtesy of Julias persuasionher ability to get her husband to help relatives, even if he was never the hero type. Whenever a family crisis loomed, Julia would nudge her husband: One day, well need their help too, you know. Go fix your mums new wardrobe and say Ill help with the windows next weekend. Does wonders!
Unsurprisingly, when Julia needed help with three premature babies, her mother-in-law and the girls grandfather tagged in. With their help, Julia managed not only to raise her children but also to return to university.
Julia! Are you mad? How are you going to manage? Olivia had gasped at the news.
Whod dare fail a mother of triplets? Julia countered. Besides, my brain needs a workout during maternity leave, and afterwards Ill be both an accountant and a solicitor. What could be better?
Julia graduated, then landed a decent job by reassuring her bosses that her salary would just cover a nanny.
But that leaves you nothing extra, Julia.
First, the grandmas have it under controlmy employer doesnt need to know that, she winked. Most importantly, I need the experience. Certificates alone dont open doors. Ill struggle for a few years, but then Ill choose my next job under my own terms.”
Olivia admired her friends tenacity. How did she manage everything, never seeming worn out or stuck in a rutas Olivia so often did? Olivia had always found it tough to make decisions, even as a child torn between red or blue tights for nursery.
But when you decide, its always the right choice, Julia reassured her. Youre steady, Liv. Thats the best quality.
Steady right. Just the sort of steadiness Denis was apparently running from. But why? How could he? Hadnt they had a good life? Yes, they had no children, which complicated things, but theyd accepted it, resolving that if it wasnt meant to be, so be it. Olivia had for a while volunteered in childrens homes. But she realised she couldn’t bring herself to take in anothers childit wasnt about finances or stamina, but a fear she simply couldnt love as a mother ought. She didnt even know what enough love meant, but suspected there should be something extraordinary involved.
You just havent met your child yet, Mrs. Chamberlain, the head of the childrens home Olivias company supported, gently told her. Youll know. No trouble or challenge will stop you then.
And what if I never do? Olivia asked, quietly arranging presents on the table.
Then its not meant to be. Better that than making a promise you cant keep. Then its not just you who suffers, but the child too. Ive seen so much of it here. See Michael? Hes been sent back twice already.
My goodness! Hes so young! Five?
About to turn six. Two years with the first family, one with the second.
Why, Mrs. Chamberlain? How could they?
The first time, they had a birth child after adopting him. Happens more often than youd think, sadly.
And the second?
They misjudged what they could cope withalready had two children and three adopted. Michael became the fourth, and there wasnt enough love to go around. He stopped eating. He actually asked to come back here. Said no one loved him. The psychologist worked with him for months, but it didnt help. He was returned. But truthfully, Olivia Better they had left him be. Hes become so old and mistrustful, I doubt hell ever truly believe in a home again.
The story pushed Olivia so close to the edge that she barely refrained from starting adoption paperwork for Michael herself. But Julias sharp, honest voice held her back.
Are you sure youve got that sort of love, Liv? And if you havent? Its not charity these children need, but commitment. Otherwise youll just become one more person who let him down. Is that what you wantfor him, for you? Want to borrow one of mine for a week to see if you want the job?
Olivia politely declined, deciding to help from a distance, but Michaels story haunted her. He became a guiding star: a reminder to live life without adding pain to another. Olivia learned that well.
The chill in the house seemed sharper now. Autumn, but the heating was already on. Should she help Denis pack? What would he need? Warm jumpers? Autumn in Manchester was fleeting and warmth was never long-lasting how she missed her mothers home in Brighton, where winters seemed just a rumour and she could wear a leather jacket all year round. Really, all she wanted was to run away with her mum into the South Downs for a few days. But Mum was gone. And soon Denis would be too.
But she didn’t want freedom. What she wanted was her husband. The little routines: coffee at breakfast and in the small hours when sleep wouldnt come. Late-night chats. Spontaneous trips to the theatre or countryside. They were hopeless at planningsome of the best days were unplanned, impulsive. Denis would call out of the blue:
“Liv, what are you up to?”
“Absolutely swampedtwo interviews and a trip to the bank.”
“Forget it. Come out with me. Lets wander for a while.”
And Olivia would drop it all, and in an hour, theyd be wandering the woods together, sometimes talking nonsense, sometimes silent, always content…
Now, that happiness was behind her. Shed remember, but he probably wouldnthe had a new life ahead, with a new woman expecting his child. Was that the reason? Or was their marriage all pretense, beginning to end? She could almost accept the first, but not the second. That would mean shed failed to make him happy or needed, that she wasnothing.
Olivia stood in the kitchen, knees pressed against the radiator. She listened to Denis moving aboutdrawers opening, doors slamming. Her hands shook so badly the ceramic pot with Julias old houseplant nearly toppled from the windowsill. When the front door finally slammed, Olivia unclenched her fists, digging her fingers into the sill as if to break it. Then, standing upright, she swiped the flowerpot to the floor and screamed.
It didnt help. Earth, shards, and mess scattered across the kitchen floor and somehow, snapping her out of her fog. Yes, everything was black now. There was no light. Hed just left her, and now shed have to grope her way forward without any sense of direction.
Except one.
Olivia left the warmth of the radiator, barefoot over the broken ceramic, the pain in her foot sharp and real, and picked up her phone from the bedroom.
“Julia…”
The sound she made wasnt quite a sobit was almost an animal howl, the cry of someone in real pain. And Julia didnt need any more explanation.
“Has Denis left?”
“Yes…”
“Right. Ill see you tomorrow.”
“Dont be ridiculous,” Olivia snapped to, the familiar bossy tone working wonders. “No! I wont let you. I couldnt forgive myself if something happened to you or the baby… Wait. Did you know?”
“Not exactly, but I sensed it. Last time you both visited, Denis wouldnt look me in the eye. It all clicks now. Livits for the best.”
“For the best? Ive lost everything. Everything! What am I supposed to do?”
“Buy yourself a dress.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Buy the dress you always wanted but never bought because it was too expensive. Go now. And then show me. Dont just sit around and wallow. Change somethingyoull feel better. Then get on the next train to Brighton. The countrysides fresh air will do you good. So what if Im about to give birth? I need it as much as you do. Dont make a pregnant woman anxious!”
Julia hung up, leaving Olivia staring at her mobile. What now?
The answer was there. Olivia strode to the mirror. There she wasevery year of her life visible on her face now. No longer a girl, but not old yet, either. There was a future. Julia was right: she wouldnt let herself be buried in pain.
Straightening her hair, dabbing away the last of her tears, Olivia summoned her resolve. She cancelled plans by text, phoned the venue and the caterers. Then, as if on autopilot, she grabbed a broom and made short work of the kitchen (ignoring her perfectly adequate vacuum cleaner). Shed buy a new plant pot another time.
The dress fit like a dreambright red, fierce and alive, so different from her usual muted tones. Julia had always carried off bright clothes with flair and never cared what anyone thought. Olivia had always been content as the observer.
But tonight, she wanted something else. No, she wasn’t invisibleshe was still someone worth noticing.
Her reflection was still upset, tired, but not defeated. There was something left, and no one could take that from her. Maybe she couldnt find rage for Denisperhaps she understood all too well why hed left, knew the struggle in giving up a friendship rooted in decades. Leaving a friend always hurt most. So why did you go, Denis?
Her journey was full of delays, missed connections, but Olivia was unbothered. Distraction was good.
Their trip to the countryside was a turning point. She and Julia roamed every trail near the hotel, talking and falling silent, never afraid of the quiet. Olivia started to feel lighter. Julia had an uncanny knack for making what felt important yesterday seem trivial, and vice versa.
Why not move back down here, Liv? Theres plenty of demand for childrens centres. Your dad would love having you closer. Why not?
Olivia thought it over. By the end of their impromptu break, she decided Julia was right.
Divorce, selling the flat and car, paperwork for the business shed poured decades intoall of it was painful, but nothing compared to losing herself. She met Denis a couple times, keeping things civil, then deleted his number. She determined to forget.
Brighton greeted her with springapple blossoms, sunshine, new beginnings. Olivia rented a flat not far from her father, not wishing to intrude, especially after noticing the warmth between him and a kindly neighbour, Mrs. Lovegood, who Olivia immediately accepted as a friend, not a rival. She was just glad her dad had a reason to keep smiling after all these years.
If you ask me, Mrs. Lovegood chuckled as they made tea, your dad is quite the catch, Olivia. If he can find happiness this late in life, maybe you can, too.
The hope stuck with Olivia. If her dad had found someone, perhaps shed meet her person one day, too.
A year vanished like nothing. Olivias two new childrens centres thrived; there was plenty to keep her busy. She changed almost everythingher style, her hairand finally got the dog shed always wanted. Still, some evenings, loneliness crept in and she thought how shed give anything to hear Denis flick the light switch and ask, Alright, Liv? Shall I make you tea? She knew it was wrong to cling, that endings must be final, but Denis lingered in her heart.
A batch of tax paperwork forced her to return to Manchester, and she welcomed the distraction. The issue was simple to resolve, and she found herself with a free afternoon before the train home. She wandered around her old neighbourhoodwas she searching for happiness, or closure? Perhaps both.
One of her old centres had shut down, but the other was still busy with new faces. She watched through the window as a young teacher roared like a bear, delighting the children. That was the keyenergy and care made all the difference.
Her old flat, the playground shed dreamt of visiting with her own children, the park where she and Denis used to while away Sunday afternoonsshe found herself drawn to the familiar route, marvelling at the fresh benches and mended fountain.
Sitting by the fountain was Denis, pale-haired now, awkwardly leaning on the bench as he pushed a pram to and fro. Olivia barely recognised him at first. Something fundamental had alteredhe looked almost shrunken with pain.
She approached, her heart pounding.
Denis
He started, keeping his eyes fixed on the pavement.
Hello, Liv.
She sat beside him. How are you?
Not good, Liv. Im on my own now. Ive lost everythingthats the truth. A silly mistake cost me everything I had.
You say that, Olivia countered, but you have more than you think. A daughter. She nodded to the pram. A son or daughter?
Daughter. Eva.
A new child, a fresh startwhat more could you need?
No wife. Emily she didnt make it after the birth.
The news winded Olivia. Strangely, she didnt feel angry at the woman whod ended her marriagejust great sorrow, for a young woman swept away by accident, chance, life. Denis pushed the pram, watching Evas tiny face with quiet fear that she might wake crying.
They sat for a long time in silence. When words returned, they poured out in a rushyears worth of things unsaid. By the time Eva stirred awake, the sun was low and the first stars blinked in the blue of dusk.
Standing to look at the sleeping girl, Olivia felt something newa sense of peace.
Six months later, Mrs. Chamberlain led a dark-haired serious boy into her office and left Olivia alone with him.
Michael, do you know why Im here?
For me.
Do you want to live with me?
Don’t know. I don’t think youll want to keep me.
He regarded her without much interest. A flicker of hope appeared when Olivia showed him family photos, but faded as swiftly as it came.
That your husband?
Yes.
And your daughter?
No, Olivia smiled. Not yet.
The flicker reappeared, and Olivia would not let it fade this time.
Shes not my child yet, Michael, but I want to be her mum. And yours, if youll let me.
Youll send me back. Everyone does.
Not me. Do you know why?
No.
Because I know what its like to lose everything and feel unloved. Its terrible.
I know
Do you know what a mum is, Michael?
No.
Shes someone who makes sure her child never feels that way again.
Do you pity me?
Olivia looked him steadily in the eye. No. I dont want to feel sorry for you. I want to love you; I want you to be happy. And I want Eva to have an older brother wholl look after her. Will you help me?
Michael gazed at hershe looked tired, beautiful, determined, the sleeve of her red dress vivid in the sunlight. Slowly, he touched the fabric, as if making sure this was real.
Do you like it?
Very much.
So do I. I bought it when I thought I couldnt go on, but things got better. Red became my favourite colour.
I like it, too, Michael said, gently running his fingers along the silk. Id like to try.
No trying, Michael. Just being. Well do our besttogether. I promise not to let you go. I hope youll help me too. Im still learning to be a mum. For you, and for Eva. If youll let me.
He nodded, and Olivia finally exhaled.
A couple of years later, a small family walked in single file along a winding footpath, under the broad sky. The dark-haired boy watched over his younger sister, who darted ahead, determined to explore every twist in the trail.
Eva, mind the wolves! They hide in the wood.
No, they dont!
They doand bears too! Hungry ones.
Dont their mums make them porridge?
No, their mums cant cook.
Ours can!
Yes.
We should ask Mum to make porridge for the bears. Then they wont be hungry.
Mum! Eva says you ought to cook for the bears.
Manna porridge? Olivia asked, a little breathless, catching up.
Mum! Eva protested, distracted from the hedgerow. You cant even make proper porridge. Bears dont like the lumps!
Oh, you little rogue! Olivia scooped her daughter up, planting a kiss on her nose. You might not like it, but I bet the bears would.
Here, give them mine tomorrow! Eva wrapped her arms around Olivias neck. And the honey, too!
No way! I love it myself. Now, are you going to walk or stay on my hip all day?
Walk!
Then off you go to Daddy! Olivia handed Eva over to Denis, then tousled Michaels hair. Well, Michael, what about you? Can you fend off the bears?
Mum, Im not ready to go home. Theres too much to see. And if Eva starts feeding wildlife, well never leave the hotel. Maybe we leave the bears hungry for now?
Olivia laughed, looking back at the trail. Alright, Eva, well feed the bears another timewhen Ive learned to cook it just right.
Deal! Eva agreed, so promptly that Olivia and Michael exchanged glances.
Oh my! Michael pulled a face at his sister.
Oh indeed! Olivia agreed. Eyes on that one, or well be adopting a yeti before you know itshes got a heart big enough for every wild thing we meet.
Laughter echoed down the green hillside, ringing off stone and sky. A gentle day was unfoldingone full of sunlight and new hopes, teaching Olivia that endings really are beginnings, if only you keep your heart open. Because happiness, complicated as it is, always finds its way backsometimes in the most unexpected forms.
