I met my husband six years ago. I took him into my own hands. We started dating quickly, I suggested moving in together, we rented an apartment. Offered to buy an apartment together. Bought. He didn’t ask me to marry him. And then I forced him to do it myself. How come, we live so much, we pay the mortgage, and who am I? A girlfriend? And then he agreed. We got married, made the repairs, moved in.
At that time we started to quarrel. Once very seriously, when he started grabbing me, I wanted to leave the house. It came to a fight (I went to live with my mother). But for some reason I returned to him after a while. Later on he would say, “You’ll run away from your mummy later.
We both worked, and for a while I earned more than he did. I’m the only one who can save, he doesn’t have money to spare. That’s why he paid the mortgage, I paid for the repairs, and all the more or less major needs. I’m always saving for something, even for emergencies, got my paycheck, put some aside, paid for what I need. He thinks that I have always hidden money, and just tell him, he will find where to spend immediately.
I didn’t have kids for a long time, then I got pregnant. I feel exhausted, he takes all my energy. I think he is an energy vampire. The baby was small, he would say, “you disturb my sleep, I have to get up at 5 in the morning!” And he was disturbed by the slightly faint light of a little nightlight hidden behind the closet, because the baby was supposed to wake up in 3-5 minutes for a feeding. “Can you make the baby not squeal, my head is splitting,” my husband pronounced in a disgruntled tone, not taking his eyes off the console.
Then a scandal broke out over nothing in correspondence, where he insulted me my mother, all my relatives. He wrote how bored he was with me. I packed up the child and quietly left to my mother. He came to sort it out and brought me home; he stole my things and left me without documents, my car, money, and my phone. He gave them back after two days and apologized.
Anything at all, immediately at high tones, a little wrong, insults, I put the child to bed for the night, I want to go to the bathroom to relax. My husband immediately shouted: “Go quickly wash up and go to sleep, staggering half the night you do not give sleep, the water is pouring, I have to get up at 5 am. And all the time this “me, me, me …”. I walk like a mouse, always quietly neat. And it’s a constant: “Who else will teach you life!”, “Your mother does not need you,” “you’re not collected, and all your life you suffer from it.
Without guilt, I feel so guilty, as I have never felt in my life. I’m so tired! My husband loves the baby, and it’s like he wants to drive me out. And the baby is miserable, the year is gone, and I have no strength. I do not know where the next time it will come from and why. I have never been a mean, boorish person, and now I realize that I am becoming one. I want to respond in the same way, I want to humiliate him in some way, to hurt him. I want to get back at him.
I can’t bring myself to finally leave. I spent so much time building this “happiness”, I put so much heart into it, so much time has passed. I always thought divorce wasn’t for me. The baby is small, loves him. I am just torn, but he eats me up, it seems to me very soon there will be nothing left of me. And I will be like my mother-in-law – beaten, miserable, but so loving mother-in-law. I think he did the same thing to her.
Am I ruining everything myself? I ask for an outsider’s perspective, I question my decision and actions. And I’m just afraid.
