I am 30 years old. I grew up in a model family: loving parents, an older sister-friend, family values, love and peace in the family, average income without being spoiled, achieving goals only through my own efforts.
I dreamed of traveling, of having a second half, of being the star in any company like a true soul mate. My eyes lit up, literally. I was a model student with a touch of cute rebelliousness, a loving and beloved daughter, a successful student, the youngest professional at work.
I had principles: no lying, no cheating, no hurting. I am attractive with natural beauty. I have sensual lips, a chic figure, thick, naturally long hair, feline green eyes. People fell in love with me, but I waited for the one I really loved, and I never took the guys who fell in love with me by the nose. And on top of that, I sharply and vigorously condemned adultery, besieging married men, who for some reason were always coming on to me like bees to honey.
At the age of 24, I married my first and only young man and man. I was happy, for his sake I changed my life by 180 degrees, I moved to a small town, started a new business.
After it turned out that he had cheated on me before the marriage. I wanted to leave, he begged and swore, but it was like everything in me died. I gave him a second chance, truly believing that I would forgive him and be able to feel something again. After all, it was my dream! And forgave, or rather, fell out of love. At some point the burning resentment turned into indifference. I woo my husband, we spend time together, I admire him as a man, praise him, but in reality I am indifferent. He doesn’t stumble anymore, he’s a good man, a wonderful lover and a strong man. We have a child, and we are together.
I’m a completely different person now. Perhaps this dark side has been sitting in me for a long time and has been awakened with age. It seems to me that a loving wife, a model woman, and a man true to his principles was someone else. Now I am a loving mother, and that is where all my positive roles end. Now I am a weak person without special goals, I am lost in communication with people, I do not love my husband, I lie at every step and, most importantly, I am a mistress. And not just a mistress, but a married woman hopelessly mired in her passion. Mom. There is no love for my lover, but he replaces my whole world, he is smart, witty, passionate, admires me, and, of course, long and deeply married to the beloved woman, whom he will not leave (and I do not need).
All my principles crumbled on nothing. Not from great love, not from an unhappy life. At some point I became dependent on my lover, and now I can’t wean myself off him. And he just lets himself be loved, as they say (though it’s not about love here). When we saw each other last week, he said: “I’ve been meaning to say for a long time, for some reason your eyes don’t light up anymore.” Of course, he puzzled over this question out of his masculine desire to be an ace in bed, but it has a different meaning for me.
I don’t dream anymore. I lie. I run after a married man for his approval, even though I don’t want a future with him (and he sees that and behaves horribly). But for some reason I can’t do it without him.
Where, where have I lost myself?
