For several years now I have been in contact with a friend who suffers from depression. We both have the same incurable genetic disease, which has nothing to do with depression. We met in the hospital when we were both undergoing another course of treatment.
I am a positive person and love life. Yes, my illness is difficult, with organ damage, pain and many physical limitations. But I still try to enjoy my life. I always have some plans for the future, ideas, desires. I do not always manage to fulfill them, but I am always used to strive for something, work on myself and my life.
My friend has been suffering from depression practically since childhood. Now he is a mature man. His genetic illness is different: he has practically no pain or problems with his organs. But he is very tired of it. It’s also aggravated by depression. He’s been through a lot of bad things. He has a lot of psychological trauma from the past, and I sincerely sympathize with him. He has had plenty of psychologists in his life, but so far he hasn’t gotten any help.
I sincerely love him as a brother and sympathize with him very much. I don’t want to leave him alone at all. But lately there has been a strong desire to distance myself a little and to limit our communication to some kind of framework. The problem is that after talking to my friend I feel disgusted. It’s like we both hit rock bottom. And this state of gloom and decay doesn’t leave me for days after our conversation. He is very embittered at the world and people, and reacts strongly to everything. He even often tries to hurt me. Most likely subconsciously. Because he thinks I am luckier and happier.
I am not mad at him for this and never respond to his jabs with rudeness. I’m just a little tired. I feel like a squeezed lemon that keeps getting squeezed regularly in the hope that there’s still something left inside. My heart and soul do feel really nasty after our conversations. Because when we talk, it’s as if a torrent of negativity comes crashing down on me, pressing you to the ground so hard that you can’t get up and get on with your life normally for days afterwards. Attempts to move the conversation in a more positive or neutral direction end in nothing. It’s impossible to distract him with anything else. And I’m tired.
Yesterday we talked a lot again. And today I feel devastated and very tired. It’s like he’s an emotional vampire who never has enough. No matter how much positivity he drains from the person he talks to, he is still gloomy and angry. His regular attempts to hurt me are also very aggravating. He often tries to mock my worldview, my plans for life. I have already stopped sharing my treatment successes with him, because they seem to irritate him.
When I ask him to go out, he always refuses. He says he doesn’t want anything. When I ask him what he would like, he answers similarly. He wants virtually nothing. I understand that these are symptoms of depression that cannot be beaten without treatment. All of his “don’t want” could be tolerated if it weren’t for his constant attacks on me.
I will always continue to feel sorry for him, to empathize with him. If he asks for help, I will definitely help. But I don’t want to let my friend into my soul anymore. Because it’s as if I don’t live my life when I communicate with him. I don’t feel like a person and a person. I turn into his puppet, which he uses at his discretion.
Have you ever had a similar experience with him?
