Yesterday, I popped over to my neighbour Andrews flat to borrow a drill. He answered the door in his joggers and a t-shirt.
Come in, Ive just finished dinner, he said.
I stepped inside. The place was spotless, and the kitchen was full of the smell of roast chicken. There was a laptop on the table, next to a glass of red wine.
Andrew is fifty-one. Hes been divorced for twelve years, living on his own. He works as an engineer, earning about £2,800 a month. Ive known him for five years, ever since I moved into the building. In all that time, Ive never seen him with a womannot once, not even as a guest.
He handed me the drill, poured some whisky into two glasses.
Sit down, since youre here, he said. Its been a while.
We sat in his kitchen, having a drink.
I asked, Andrew, why do you live alone? Arent you looking for someone?
He smirked. Not intentionally, no. You know what, Peter? Ive had twelve years on my own now, and Ive realised Im actually happier this way.
Why?
He poured us both another splash, then leant back in his chair. Ill tell you. Six reasons. Proper reasons. All lessons Ive learned the hard way.
First reason risking ruin in divorce
Andrew began, I divorced twelve years ago. Id been married to Rachel for eighteen years. Weve got a daughtertwenty-eight now, lives on her own.
He took a sip.
We split up because of her cheating. I caught her with a colleague. Filed for divorce.
What happened?
The court split the house fifty-fifty. Didnt matter that I paid most of the mortgage. We sold the place, split the equity, and I bought this one-bed flat.
He looked at me.
Peter, I lost half my property because of her affair. And thats perfectly legal. See what I mean? I worked for that home, paid the bills, she strayedand still got half.
Well, thats divorce for you
Exactly. So why run that risk again? Suppose I meet someone. We move in. Live together a few years. Get married. Maybe buy a car or something else big. She decides to leave, Im back at square one. Why would I gamble everything again?
I didnt have an answer. He went on.
Second reason lack of support for mens dreams
You know, Peter, I have a dream. I want to buy an old motorbike, do it up, take it out for a ride on weekends.
Sounds brilliant.
Yeah, been saving for a year. Just a few months more and Ill find a 1970s Triumph. I want to do the restoration myself.
He sipped some water.
Back when I was married, I had dreams too. Wanted to learn guitar. Bought one, booked lessons. Rachel said, Why bother? Youre forty, not Paul McCartney. I gave up. I wanted to go canoeing in the Lake District. She said, Have you lost your mind? Weve got a mortgage and you want to act like a teenager? So I never went.
He gazed out the window.
Women dont take mens dreams seriously. They call them foolish. Living alone, I can do as I please. When I buy the motorbike, no onell call me an idiot.
Third reason women with inflated expectations
Andrew carried on, Three years ago, I tried online dating. Did the profile honestly: age, job, hobbies.
Howd that go?
Chatted with a few. There was oneCarla, forty-six, manages a hair salon, earns around £850 a month. She messaged, You seem a nice man, but Im after someone making at least £4,000 a month.
He laughed.
So I asked, And how much do you earn yourself? She blocked me straight away.
Really?
Absolutely real, Peter. Most women I spoke to thought they were princesses. Earning less than a grand a month, living in rented flats, but insisting their man has to be on four grand, own a car, own their own place. And in exchange, all they offer is this so-called feminine energy.
He finished his whisky.
I make £2,800, own my flat, drive a car. Many would still think Im a loserjust because Im not a millionaire. Why should I bother with someone who doesnt value me?
Fourth reason running a home is easy by yourself
I asked, But what about home life? Dont you miss sharing chores, having someone cook?
Andrew chuckled. Take a look around. Is it clean? I tidy up once a week, takes an hour. I cook. Made that chicken and veg tonighthalf an hour, tops. I do my own laundry. The machine does most of it, I just push the buttons.
He pointed around the kitchen.
I dont need a woman to keep my home ticking over. I manage fine. And do you know how many women nowadays cant cook at all? About half, I reckon. They order takeaways, eat ready meals.
But there are some who are still homemakers…
Now and thenvery rarely. And honestly, if a womans only going to be the homemaker but expects me to fund her whole life in return, Ill just carry on doing it myself.
Fifth reason fear of lies and mind games
Andrew poured us both another measure.
Peter, after my divorce, I dated two women. Both lied.
How?
The firstSarahsaid she was divorced. After a month, I found out she was still married, just after someone to fill what her husband wouldnt provide.
He drank.
The secondFionasaid she didnt have kids. After two months, found out she had two. Shed hidden it so I wouldnt run away.
Thats rough
Exactly. Im sick of deceit. It seems normal now for women to hide things or fib a bit, just to catch a blokes attention. Then they act shocked when we dont trust them.
Sixth reason punished for making the first move
Andrew leant back.
Last time I tried to meet someone was a year ago, in Waterstones. There was a woman, mid-forties, picking out a classic.
And?
I said, Hi. I see you like classicscan I recommend something good? She looked at me like I was a nutter. Coldly replied, No thanks, I can manage. Then walked off.
He smirked.
Peter, these days any hint of interest from a bloke comes off as creepy. Try to start a conversationcreep. Message on Facebookstalker. Suggest coffeegold-digger.
But theyre not all like that
No, but most are. Im tired of rejections and cold looks. I dont make the first move now. If someones interested, she can show me herself. Im not lowering myself anymore.
My thoughts afterward
Andrew finished his drink and looked at me.
Peter, Im not saying all women are bad. There are good ones. But finding them is like searching for a needle in a haystack. The cost of a mistake is hugemoney, nerves, time.
He stood up.
Im fifty-one. Got a good job, my own place, a car, hobbies, mates. Im happy single. Why would I risk this happiness for a relationship thats likely to end in another divorce and financial ruin?
I went home, lay in bed, and thought about what hed said.
Im forty-nine, married twenty-three years. Things are fine with my wife. But if I were singlewould I do what Andrew does?
Probably, yes.
Is a man right to stay single for twelve years out of fear of loss, or is he just afraid of intimacy?
Is it true that divorce upends a mans life, even if the wife was unfaithful? Or is that blown out of proportion?
Is it reasonable for men over fifty to avoid relationships because the cost of a mistake is too high? Or is that just selfishness and fear?
Do women really dismiss mens dreams as foolishor are men simply choosing the wrong partners?
