Let them get on with it! Im not some sort of service. A 52-year-old Helens candid take on the men shes met after fifty
My friend Helen re-entered the dating world after a full decade away. She thought shed find someone intriguing, but instead, she got ten valuable lessons on the realities of mature relationships. Spoiler: its not quite as we had imagined.
The call came late, her voice weary but tinged with amusement:
You know, its either that I love being alone or these blokes really are living on another planet. I cant see any other explanation.
Weve known each other for over twenty years. Helen has always been the kind of woman who can laugh at life and never make a drama out of things. Our mates convinced her to give dating another go, saying the time was right, that she might get lucky. She agreed, and over six months she went on ten dates. Each one played out like a sitcom episodethough not always funny.
First impressions: Are you the one for me?
It started off normally enough. Café, menu, polite chit-chat. The chap studied the food options for ages, as if he was reading a tax return. He finally sighed and said:
You know, I just cant do without a proper Yorkshire pudding.
Helen smiled, thinking it must be a joke. But the conversation took a different turn. Turned out, his ex-wife had forgotten how to make the bed properly and now he needed a woman with good hands and a level head. Heavy emphasis on the hands.
Helen sat back, wondering when making the bed had become a topic for a first date.
A lecture on how a woman ought to behave
The next date started off pleasant but quickly became a monologue. The man explained, at great length, how a woman should act in a relationship: be supportive, make the house nice, be wise and patient. It sounded fair, until he got into specifics.
He lamented about his high blood pressure, produced a handful of printed meal plans, and asked if she knew how to make low-calorie soups. Youd think he was more in need of a nurse-cum-chef than a girlfriend. All to a schedule.
He talked about emotions the way youd read aloud vacuum cleaner instructions, Helen told me. Bullet points. No feeling.
No spark, needless to say.
Nonexistent wisdom
The third story began with a line Helen remembered all too well:
Just dont argue with me. At our age, women are meant to be wiser.
She couldnt hold back:
And how exactly does your wisdom show itself?
His reply was vague, but the message was clear: he craved peace. A sort of peace where the woman just nods along, agrees, creates cosiness and never asks awkward questions. Where there are no arguments and equality is not on the cards, but at least you know your place.
Helen realised: this man wasnt after a relationship. He wanted unconditional acquiescence.
Looking for a mum, not a partner
The fourth date didnt mince words:
I need care. You know, like when youre a kid? Someone to look after me, like my mum used to.
Then came all the details: favourite childhood puddings, exactly how his socks should be folded, which slippers he likes. All absolutely serious, no attempt at humour.
Helen thought: Hes not looking for a woman. He wants childhood comfort, home delivered.
A job interview, not a date
The fifth one felt just like a job interview. The man fired off questions:
Do you fall ill often?
Your family live nearby?
Is your salary steady?
Helen told me this with a wry smile, though I could hear the fatigue. Instead of Who are you, as a person? all she heard was, What can you do for me? These werent dates. She was being screened to fit a checklist.
Whats wrong with these men?
After ten dates, Helen phoned and simply said:
Theyre not after a relationship. They want a reliable butler system. Thats it.
This wasnt resentment. It was just the way it was.
Men of a certain age are terrified of ending up alone, but change frightens them even more. They want guaranteed comfort, someone who is carer, cook, psychologist and grateful for being chosenall rolled in one.
Whenever Helen asked:
And what do I get out of it?
There was never an answerjust a look of astonishment: What do you mean? Im a man! Isnt that enough?
Are they all like this? And is there hope?
Helen told me more than once:
I know not all men are like that. Some are smart, deep, good-hearted. But theyre already spoken for. Theyre taken.
She hasnt lost faith, though. Shes just shifted focus. She pays more attention to herself, her own boundaries.
Now she has a firm rule: no more servant roles. No compromise with self-respect. No trying to please at any cost.
She still chuckles about these gentlemen with sky-high expectations, but now her laughter has a steely edge. Shes finished living someone elses life for the sake of some sham closeness.
So, whats the takeaway?
Ten dates werent a disaster. Theyre lessons in how to choose. Above allhow to choose yourself.
Helens biggest realisation: the freedom to be yourself is worth more than any relationship built on one-way service.
Love doesnt follow a timetable. It turns up when youre sure you wont settle for less than respect, mutual interest, and genuine care.
Nows the time to choose differently. And never settle for a support rolewhatever your age.
