Yesterday afternoon, I popped next door to ask my neighbour, Edward, if I could borrow his drill. He answered in jogging bottoms and an old t-shirt, rubbing his hands on a tea towel.
Come in if you like, Ive just finished dinner, he said.
I stepped into his flat, struck at once by its tidy order. The faint aroma of roast chicken hung in the kitchen and, on the small table, a laptop sat next to a half-full glass of red wine.
Edward is fifty-one. He divorced twelve years ago and has lived alone ever since. Works as an engineer and brings in around £2,300 a month.
Ive known him for five years, since I moved into this building. In all that time, Ive never seen a woman at his, not even a friend.
He handed me the drill, then poured us each some whisky. Sit down a moment, since youre here. Havent caught up in ages.
We sat at his kitchen table, quietly drinking. I soon blurted out, Edward, why have you never settled down again? You never even date, do you?
A wry smile flickered at the corner of his mouth. Not on purpose, at least. You know, Peter, Ive been on my own for twelve years now and, honestly, I prefer it this way.
Whys that? I asked, genuinely curious.
He topped up our glasses, leaning back.
Ill tell you. Six solid reasons. Hard-earned ones, I assure you.
Reason one risk of ruin in divorce
He started, Twelve years ago, I divorced Lydia after eighteen years together. We have a daughter, Emilyshes twenty-eight now, lives on her own.
She cheated on me with someone from work. I caught her in the act and filed for divorce.
And? I gently prodded.
The court split the house evenly between us, despite the fact Id paid most of the mortgage for years. Ended up selling, splitting the proceeds. Thats how I could just about manage to buy this little one-bedroom flat.
He looked at me, brows knitted.
Peter, I lost half of everything because she was unfaithful. And the law says thats fair. Can you believe it? I worked, paid the bills, and she betrayed meyet walked away with half.
Thats divorce, isnt it I said quietly.
Exactly. So tell me, why would I gamble all that again? Say I meet someone, she moves in, we buy a car, build a life, and three years on, she lets me go. Why should I take that risk?
I nodded, unable to argue.
Reason two women dont support mens dreams
You know, Edward went on, Ive always wanted to buy an old motorbike and restore it. Just potter in the garage, ride out on weekends. Ive nearly saved enough to get a 70s Triumph. Ill tinker with it myself.
When I was married, I had dreams too, he continued. Thought Id learn guitarbought one, signed up for lessons. Lydia told me, Whats the point? Youre not Paul McCartney. Gave it up. I wanted to go camping in the LakesYoure forty, not fourteen. Think about the mortgage, she said. Never went.
Women dont support the dreams we have. They see them as whims, nonsense. Now, living alone, I do as I please. When I finally buy that motorbike, nobody will call me an idiot.
Reason three excessive self-worth
Three years ago, I tried online dating, he continued. Wrote a proper profile: age, job, salary, hobbies.
I chatted with a few women. One, Sarah, forty-six, a receptionist, earning about £700 a month. She messaged, You seem nice, but Im only interested in men earning over £3,000 a month.
I replied, But what do you earn? She blocked me, took offence!
Most of the women I met online describe themselves as queens but live in tiny rented flats, making demandsmust own a house, a new car, six-figure salary all while they contribute little except feminine charm.
He downed his whisky.
I have a good salary, my own flat, a carstill, Im considered a loser by some. Why should I bother with anyone who doesnt appreciate me?
Reason four they cant manage a home
I asked, Do you miss the comfort? Home cooking, a cosy atmosphere?
Edward laughed, Have a look around you, mate. Is it messy? No. I clean once a week, takes just an hour. I cookchicken and vegetables tonight, half an hour. Washing? The machine practically does it for me.
He gestured to the tidy kitchen.
I dont need a woman to run the household. In fact, so many women I know cant even cook, rely on takeaways and supermarket meals.
Some are homemakers, surebut they expect to be entirely looked after financially. Id rather cook for myself, thanks.
Reason five fear of deceit and manipulation
He poured more whisky for us both.
After the divorce, I dated two women. Both lied to me.
One, Caroline, said she was divorced. After a month I found out she had a husbandshe just wanted someone else because he wasnt making enough.
The second, Helen, claimed she had no children. Two months later, her two teenagers turned up at my door. She hid them from me, said she didnt want to scare me off.
I shook my head, appalled.
Exactly. Im exhausted by the games and deceit. Some women will say anything to hook a man, then wonder why we dont trust them.
Reason six punished for taking initiative
Edward sank back into his chair.
Last year, I tried to chat with a woman in Waterstones. Mid-forties, browsing in the classics sectionlooked like someone I could talk to.
I said, Afternoon. You look like you love the classics. May I recommend something? She glared at me as though I were a creep. No, thanks. I can choose myself, she sniffed and walked off.
Peter, these days, any man who shows initiative is branded a bother. You say hellocreep. Send a messagestalker. Invite for coffeegold digger. Im tired of cold faces and rejection. If a woman fancies me, let her make the move. I wont humiliate myself anymore.
Why this conversation got to me
Edward finished his whisky, searching my face.
Im not saying all women are awful. There are good ones out therebut finding them is like searching for a needle in a haystack. And if you get it wrongitll cost you everything: money, peace of mind, even years of your life.
Im fifty-one. I have a decent job, my own place, my car, my hobbies, good friends. Im happy solo. Why should I risk all this for a relationship thatll likely end with heartbreak and ruin?
I walked home quietly, lay awake mulling over his words.
Im forty-nine, been married twenty-three years. My wife and I are fine, but if I found myself alone would I do as he has done?
Maybe I would.
Is Edward right to live alone these twelve years, guarding himself from lossor is he just afraid of closeness?
Is it true that divorce can so thoroughly devastate a man, even if his wife betrays him?
Is it reasonable for a man of fifty-something to shun relationships because the risks too highor is he just afraid of living fully?
Do women fail to encourage mens dreams, or do we men sometimes pick the wrong women?
